Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Stranger (Working title)

   
Author Topic: Stranger (Working title)
RobED
Member
Member # 9720

 - posted      Profile for RobED           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Under the hot morning sun and the feeling of unseen eyes, Maral adjusted his coat and loosened his cowl, releasing a droplet of sweat that itched a path down his spine. In some ways, the concealing attire was attracting more attention than doing without, but as long as no one recognized him, he didn't care. He would have worn a hood too, but it was the law in all Order States that eyes had to be visible. Maral stood outside a rickety looking house, built of algae-stained planks, like most of the buildings in Scumslum, a riverside section of Ghott.

The house where Maral waited belonged to Stranger, a Nayan man storied to be able to find anything and anyone, but only at an extraordinary price. No one could tell Maral any name for him other than Stranger. All they seemed to know was that he'd come from somewhere else, at some time, but couldn't remember exactly when.

[edit, fixed the last line that you had trouble with]

[ December 31, 2011, 12:36 AM: Message edited by: RobED ]

Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lloyd Tackitt
Member
Member # 9714

 - posted      Profile for Lloyd Tackitt   Email Lloyd Tackitt         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Good work! I find the last sentence to be a bit awkward.
Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pdblake
Member
Member # 9218

 - posted      Profile for pdblake   Email pdblake         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The only thing I don't like about this is the name Scumslum. It sounds like something from a Marvel comic.

As a hook it works though and draws you in well enough. I would read on.

Posts: 723 | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RobED
Member
Member # 9720

 - posted      Profile for RobED           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
On scumslum: most of the names of places are placeholders for me. Trying to come up with fantastic names is so time consuming!

[ January 01, 2012, 12:12 AM: Message edited by: RobED ]

Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LeetahWest
Member
Member # 9402

 - posted      Profile for LeetahWest   Email LeetahWest         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The part that I found to be the "hook" for me was "He would have worn a hood too, but it was the law in all Order States that eyes had to be visible." This let me know that we aren't on Earth as we know it and it isn't just another fantasy/sci-fi with your typical backdrop. Very nice! I would keep reading.
Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Klimpaloon
New Member
Member # 9740

 - posted      Profile for Klimpaloon   Email Klimpaloon         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I, for one, would like to keep reading. A few nit-picky things, though:

"Was attracting" should be in active voice instead of passive voice.
"Rickety looking" should be hyphenated and the rest of that sentence could stand to lose a couple commas.
"Storied" sounds like an awkward verb to me; unless it's plot relevant, "said" would be preferable.
"At some time" just sounds weird to me; not sure how to fix that one.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
stutson
Member
Member # 8884

 - posted      Profile for stutson   Email stutson         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Flow of words and thoughts is good.

I'm having trouble with the "...he didn't care." followed by wearing a hood as if he did.

I liked the "storied". It indicated to me that he picked up his information indirectly, not asking direct questions, or at least not getting direct answers.

Last sentence: "at some time" seems not needed.

Posts: 60 | Registered: Nov 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Matthew Jonathan Wilcken
Member
Member # 9744

 - posted      Profile for Matthew Jonathan Wilcken   Email Matthew Jonathan Wilcken         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Good. I'm debating whether a more character-driven in medias res might be more engaging. Try switching the clauses of the first sentence around: "adjusting the coat" with "the morning sun."

Something just tells me that might be better.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tryndakai
Member
Member # 9427

 - posted      Profile for Tryndakai   Email Tryndakai         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I like. [Big Grin]

My one and only nit is that, in my mind at least, I more or less equate "cowl" with "hood." Particularly with the "concealing attire" and "no one recognised him" comments--I imagine him to be skulking about all conspicuously hooded. Had to actually look up the word to find it also means priestly robes . . . though even then Wiki says it traditionally means "a hooded garment" . . . And then, what's he got both coat and cowl for? Basically, I've little idea what you mean by cowl, there. [Razz]

Apart from that, I'm totally hooked already. [Big Grin] I'm right in there with the character, the world is fleshing itself out at a nice pace, and the use of unfamiliar words/names and such is just right: creating the feel of the setting without bogging down the intro with meaningless syllables. Good rhythm to the writing, too. And the fact that he's essentially seeking out a mystical/mysterious Private Eye for some reason . . . got the plot all hinted at already, too. Good hook, overall. Props. [Smile]

Posts: 110 | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
RobED
Member
Member # 9720

 - posted      Profile for RobED           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
a cowl garment is like a scarf where both ends connect. it isn't a hood. covers the lower part of the head.

http://flowerpotdesgins.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/millie_cowl1.jpg

that is a general example. Some do have hoods.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tryndakai
Member
Member # 9427

 - posted      Profile for Tryndakai   Email Tryndakai         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Ah-ha, I see. [Smile] Learn something new every day.

Batman's mask is also called a cowl . . . probably because it also covers his neck and shoulders. [Wink]

Anywho, now that you've addressed my one "complaint," I guess I've nothing more to say. Except that I'm totally willing to read more . . . [Wink]

Posts: 110 | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Lloyd Tackitt
Member
Member # 9714

 - posted      Profile for Lloyd Tackitt   Email Lloyd Tackitt         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I like it!
Posts: 64 | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jess
Member
Member # 9742

 - posted      Profile for Jess           Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
oh that sounds cool. you describe things very well and it sounds like the plot is great too. my only nitpick. If he can't wear a hood because it covers his eyes, wouldn't a cowl block them too. maybe not as much as a hood, but would it be enough to be illegal?
Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2