I'm looking for someone to go through my recently finished novella and do a professional job of reviewing. Call yourself a beta reader if you want but I did say reviewing, not taking the story apart out of sheer malice. That being said, I'm not interested in being pampered either. I'm sure there's a limit between these two places but I haven't figured it out so just give me an honest opinion of what you think of it.
I'm posting 13 lines (or as closest as I can make it) and want to hear from those who want to give the whole story a read.
Clockworks Warrior Chapter 1 – Arrival
The coach finally stopped and Carrus had to strain himself not to open the door and jump out. At last he had arrived to Koriantal, the seat of the Hegemony. In truth, the Capitol itself didn’t interest him. His full attention belonged to the cliff that towered above him. This was the steep face of High Hill and on top of it awaited the Hegemonic University. Carrus had burned to come here for a decade. Now he could finally begin fulfilling his dream. ‘It will not be easy’, the old Scholar had warned him, ‘but with hard work you could achieve many wonders’. Carrus had only one wonder on his mind. A true marvel, simple in thought, nigh impossible to achieve. He wanted to learn to fly. It had been his dream since it happened and the Metaphysics Research department of Hegemonic University would help him reach it.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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My critique neglected to mention something: on page fifty you used the word deserts instead of desserts. I meant to highlight that, but failed to do so.
Again, thank you for letting me read your story.
Posts: 94 | Registered: Jul 2012
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So by "reviewing" you mean a reader-oriented essay on the piece, or are you looking for developmental edits?
Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2010
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My critique neglected to mention something: on page fifty you used the word deserts instead of desserts. I meant to highlight that, but failed to do so.
Again, thank you for letting me read your story.
JoBird, I'm wondering if Martin used "deserts" as part of the term "just deserts." If he did, then "deserts" is correct (see http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/just_deserts ), because it means "what is deserved" not what is served at the end of a meal.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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It was a typo since I've never heard of "just deserts". And you would be surprised how many times I write "or" instead of "of".
Thank you for your efforts, Jonathan. I'm a bit bummed about the "deus ex machina" you found because that's my own problem, not the story's.
This novella was suppose to be my try at short stories and I ended up using a character from a different story arc. I have two different viewpoints of the same event and until I write the other one, the first one will seem a bit weird by itself. I overdevelop my stories which makes it really hard to write down.
@MattLeo: I'm simply looking for a reader's opinion. Anything you find worth to write down, I would be willing to read.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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I wouldn't be too bummed about the problem, after all, it's a chance to fix it.
I had the opportunity to meet Patrick Rothfuss (author of Name of the Wind, and Wise Man's Fear) at a convention where he spoke about writing. He had some interesting things to say about the creation of a novel.
Basically, he likened the process to that of a sausage factory. His point was that sausage tastes good while you're eating it, but you don't necessarily want to know how sausage is made. Because once you learn the intimate, dirty details you're less inclined to want to eat it.
Books are that way. People love to read them, but not everyone wants to know how they're made. They are not delivered whole cloth from God. The creation of such things tend to be grueling and tiresome work. Revision is a nearly endless process, plot holes can tax even the most dedicated writer.
I also like what Orson Scott Card has to say in his article about -- and entitled -- Beginnings. Therein, he presents us with four openings to his novel about Bean. Three of his openings were, essentially, failures that didn't work for the novel. But none of them were failures in the sense that they each led him closer to something that did work, and that's where the value of trial and effort has to be found.
At any rate, I don't think you should be bummed. I truly believe that you're one step closer to having a great story, and that that's more than a lot of folks can say with a straight face.
I'm looking forward to any revisions you put together. Please, by all means, keep me in mind as a future reader.
Posts: 94 | Registered: Jul 2012
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Good thought, but no. It was used in the case of desserts being served during a feast. Unless I missed some serious subtext, that is.
It was just one of those small, annoying typos that fly under the spell check radar.
Thanks for being so gracious about my busybodying, JoBird. I couldn't resist, I guess, and I figured even if my guess was wrong, it could serve a a mini-learning experience for someone.
English homonyms are the bane of English writers' existences and spell checkers are absolutely no help at all with them. I admire your willingness to write in English in spite of such obstacles, MartinV. Keep up the good work.
Posts: 8826 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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Thanks for your support, Kathleen. The biggest step is to think in English; if I didn't, I couldn't form concise sentences.
When it comes to revising stories, I'm following Dean Wesley Smith's advice: learn from the finished works, use that in your next story but don't go back into another cycle of revision to please a single reader. That said, I do have another story in mind that will use that "deus ex machina" as a connector. After that is done, I'm thinking of joining these two stories into a single novel. It would certainly be interesting how this affects the experience of the story.
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