Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Will and the nurse.....

   
Author Topic: Will and the nurse.....
R. W. Spangler
Member
Member # 9961

 - posted      Profile for R. W. Spangler   Email R. W. Spangler         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Some say humor is bad in SF... I'd like some input on the fragment below where one of my main characters is in a hospital. A plague has hit and many are dying... yeah, familiar plot but not my main story. Will is an older guy who has adopted a who give a damn attitude and retreats into classic rock. He REALLY hates songs being interrupted! Anyway, what do you think about the interaction? Is it realistic? Workable? Does it give some insight to my character?

Thanks!

********************

The music's sudden stop ripps Will from his bliss... he opens his eyes to nurse OHNOYOUREALLYDIDNOTDOTHATBITCH!!

“Time for your pill” she said tersely.

“Why do you always interrupt me in the middle of a song… you know I hate that.”

“Because I really get a kick out of it” came the sarcastic reply.

Bonnie Jenkins learned to be quick and thorough in order to make her rounds. So many streamed into the ward and left almost as fast on morgue gurneys. Will was different though and she actually saw him as a symbol of hope since he had survived well beyond the others. When the plague hit, few even made it to the hospitals let alone a day. Will, and now two women, twins had

[ October 22, 2012, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Kathleen Dalton Woodbury ]

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mobewan
Member
Member # 9749

 - posted      Profile for mobewan   Email mobewan         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
humour is part of life (or at least my life and the lives I write about), and unless your SF book makes a point out of humour not being present in your setting, then IMHO it should be included wherever it's natural and in character. And it seems in character in this piece.

Liked the section, got a real feel for both characters. Immediately got a view of Will as an old grumpy guy, seen a lot, dissatisfied with a lot. Bonnie came across as some one using humour to keep herself sane, as a defence mechanism against some of the realities she faced. Comments would be -
The OHNOYOUREALLYDIDNOTDOTHATBITCH internalised thought didn't quite match up with the '...you know I hate that' spoken comment. Not sure if thats what you were going for, but they seemed distinctly different 'voices'.
'Will, and now two women, twins had gone beyond a day' - sentence seemed clunky had to read a couple of times and still not sure if the two women are the twins...
Why did bonnie say the first line tersely? was she reacting to a look on Wills face based on what he was thinking in his head, or is it a follow on from previous lines? Bit picky, but the word seemed more relevant to Will than Bonnie.

Would happily read more about Will and Bonnie ;-) Good luck!

Posts: 12 | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
R. W. Spangler
Member
Member # 9961

 - posted      Profile for R. W. Spangler   Email R. W. Spangler         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Awesome... thanks so much for the feedback! I took your advice and it did indeed make the scene better.

Being new, I'm not quite sure about how the reading works. Any idea?

Thanks again...

Roger

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wetwilly
Member
Member # 1818

 - posted      Profile for wetwilly   Email wetwilly         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
“Because I really get a kick out of it” came the sarcastic reply.

I can already tell the reply is sarcastic based purely on the words she says; you don't need to tell me it's sarcastic.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
R. W. Spangler
Member
Member # 9961

 - posted      Profile for R. W. Spangler   Email R. W. Spangler         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks Willy, good point. Did you like the rest or not?

Would you be willing to suffer through the review of a couple of chapters for me?

Regards,

Roger

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
wetwilly
Member
Member # 1818

 - posted      Profile for wetwilly   Email wetwilly         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I didn't dislike the rest. I don't think 13 lines is really enough to know if I really love it. All I can really come up with for these 13 line crits is there's nothing here that turns me away. Unfortunately, I don't have time to read chapters right now. I'm a high school English/Drama teacher and this is play season. Normally, I would love to.
Posts: 1062 | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2