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Author Topic: Natural Police: Chapter 2 - Down
Denevius
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[ March 21, 2014, 12:08 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
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Denevius
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This is a speculative fiction/urban horror novel I'm currently writing. Comments on this 13 are welcomed, as well as a read of the first two chapters (approximately 6000 words), or just this chapter (approximately 3000 words).
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SASpencer
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I'm glad this is Chapter 2. I had a good sense of the atmosphere and liked it overall. Making it tighter would improve it, for example:

The bus she rode jerked

I don't think you need "she rode" because I knew she was on the bus.

There's a few passive sentences. If you make them active you will juice it up.

Sandy
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Denevius
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Hey Sandy, thanks for the comments.
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Denevius
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*edited above

[ May 01, 2013, 07:21 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]
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Denevius
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A bit of a revision of the first lines of this chapter.
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SASpencer
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Hi, you'd better put your rewrite into your first post, or post it on another thread and delete this one. People aren't happy when they read the first one, crit it and then scroll and see the second. [Smile]
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Denevius
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groovy
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