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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » 1st 13(s): The Meat House

   
Author Topic: 1st 13(s): The Meat House
wetwilly
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Back by popular demand! (One guy asked me to post it...isn't that popular demand?) 1st 13 of my novel, The Meat House. For a quick synopsis, see my book blurb thread.

The bus to Baranwal International Penitentiary was the most disgusting thing Leonard had ever seen. Freaks and retards everywhere. They made him sick. There was a kid with a missing arm, crammed in next to a guy with a growth on his neck that was half the size of his head. It forced his head to the side, so he always looked like his neck was broken. A lady with a gaping hole where one of her eyes should have been kept twitching like she was being electrocuted. One boy looked like a skeleton, skin stretched tight over his bones, and his head was covered in bald patches.
No matter where Leonard looked, this filth was all he could see. Half-people. They were crammed into the bus like so much garbage. Leonard felt sick.

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arriki
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Your sentence
A lady with a gaping hole where one of her eyes should have been kept twitching like she was being electrocuted.

Needs a comma to make it read more clearly

A lady, with a gaping hole where one of her eyes should have been, kept twitching like she was being electrocuted.

Maybe like so

May I assume that "No matter..." IS the beginning of a new paragraph?

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wetwilly
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Yes, "no matter" is a new paragraph. Formatting didn't copy.
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arriki
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Yeah. I've decided you have to leave a purposefully blank line in order to get a space mimicking the end of a paragraph
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extrinsic
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  Blank lines are not included in Ms. Dalton Woodbury's line count. A line break signaling a paragraph break is the online style standard instead of indenting first lines. Word processor tabbed indents and other indenting codes do not display on BulletinBoard pages.
  Though if a writer wants to . . .
  Pasting in a couple em-spaces, as these paragraphs have leading them, will serve.
  The syntax for an em-space, if you have a clip file of character entities for convenience, as I do, is the punctuation symbols and numbers: ampersand hashmark 8195 semicolon, no spaces, like so  

[ August 02, 2013, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: extrinsic ]

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