posted
I have been playing with this idea for a long time. I am not sure about the first 13 lines though. Any help will be most welcome.
Larry Wade is cold. It has been snowing hard for the past six days, and at last check, is not showing signs that it is going to let up anytime soon. Larry is not from snow country, being born and raised where the Four Seasons are laughingly called Earthquake, Fire, Flood and Riots. Yet, until this storm came up, he loved winter, looking forward to training for races by running the streets, county roads, and trails in the cold. He loved the looks he got from motorists as he ran with ice hanging off his hat and beard, his running clothes covered in frost as the wicking material moved his sweat to the outside keeping him warm. Now however, he is worried, his dad raised him on
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The mechanical style of this opening is clean, makes for reading and comprehension ease, which is ideal. The title Surviving National Suicide is appealing and strong. The line "where the Four Seasons are laughingly called Earthquake, Fire, Flood and Riots." is delightful except for the word "laughingly."
"Laughingly" I think tells too much of the meaning of the remainder in front of its suprising and delightful meaning. In other words, "laughingly" blunts the impact of "where the Four Sseasons are called Earthquake, Fire, Flood and Riots." Another adverb, ironical instead of explanatory, might be more appealing, For example, fondly, which, patently, earthquakes, fires, floods, and riots are not fondly called seasons. Using an ironical adverb instead of an explanatory one expresses an emotional attitude of the character Larry personally, instead of the narrator's attitude. The narrative distance feels close to Larry; however, that word is in narrator voice when it would be stronger and closer in narrative distance from character voice.
Negation statements like "is not showing signs that it is going to let up anytime soon. Larry is not from snow country," tend to be more confusing and harder to follow than positive statements, since negation statements require one more slight degree of comprehension than positive statements. Negation statements work most strongly in judicious and timely use for emphasis as ironical statements. "Larry is not from snow country." is almost a litotes: A form of irony in an understated negation statement that affirms the positive opposite of it. But since the positive meaning of "not from snow country" isn't elliptically strongly and clearly implied, it feels like an incomplete litotes to me. Consider instead recasting as positive statements or developing the irony of them. Examples below.
The time flow is also backed up and stalls momentarily from the verb tense of "has been" in this second sentence: "Larry Wade is cold. It 'has been' snowing hard for the past six days". Consider recasting for present tense.
Examples, not for projection nor especially suggesting changing voice or tense but for guidance:
//Larry Wade is cold. Six days snow lumped on the ground and days more threatening--Larry is not from snow country; he was born where the Four Seasons are fondly named Earthquake, Fire, Flood, and Riot.//
Those above are largely voice area features for consideration, a little bit of craft too. Craft specifically, though, this opening is pure backstory introduction of Larry Wade. The setting is touched upon to a degree. The dramatic complication implied by the title National Suicide isn't developed much, some from the Four Seasons line. I'm most curious about that latter, National Suicide.
As this opening is, it depicts a somewhat routine scene of Larry training for track races. He's self-involved, reflexive in this scene. I'm not interested in Larry yet, not enough to care about who he is or what he thinks about snow country. I'm most interested in seeing the promise of the problems and wants implied by the title's import National Suicide develop for Larry personally, all the while developing Larry as the central character and the setting more uniquely.
posted
I do not like my set up either, and it has been driving me nuts for some time. Larry is the main character, but in this case starting with him may be a mistake. Think Pat Frank's Alas Babylon, however the strike is not worldwide, but limited to the US and Great Britain by Middle East Terrorist. 32 are set off in the US and Larry just missed being a victim of the one set off in Indianapolis. The EMP has him on foot and the low pressure from the detonation caused the snowstorm. Larry is stuck where he is until the snow lets up enough for him to find his way. Larry could be me, I picked the location because I know the area and understand what Larry needs to do to survive. And some of the equipment he carries in his vehicle I do too simply because it was required of me where I was stationed guarding nukes as it happens. My use of tenses is in need of work. The narrator is telling the story as it happens and keeps that point of view in the flash backs dealing with how the nukes got here in the first place. Would this be a better first 13?: Pedro Hermosa Gonzales is approaching the border-crossing checkpoint, although he has made the crossing hundreds of times he is always apprehensive. He has never been stopped or searched in detail, so he feels a little silly. He English is impeccable with just the right amount of Spanish accent, which on the surface seems normal for someone whose living is making deliveries north of the border. His semi is clean and well kept, the refrigeration trailer clean and shiny, scrubbed down before each tip north to ensure that no hint of contraband is present. Pedro wants no problems making his deliveries. His story for the defunct refrigeration trailer is that he got it cheaper allowing him to own it outright. His documentation is flawless; it says he was born far to the south not far from Tapachula near the border with Guatemala. If I start with that it may be a better hook, but getting to Larry in that snowstorm is going to be a lot of work.
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Neither of these openings do much to compel me to read further, and they both are written in a passive voice delivering copious amounts of backstory. If you wanted to make it more active,the first line would probably read something like:
'Pedro Hermosa Gonzales approached the border-crossing checkpoint.'
As written now, both openings are telling us what might be more interesting shown.
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National suicide implies a different scenario than a nuclear attack from outside. More of a homicide. I'm more interested in the suicide scenario than a homicide one.
Count how many sentences have to be verbs is, was, has been, has made, etc. The voice of the second opening is somewhat passive at times, as Denevius notes, but mostly static voice from using state of being verbs. The reflexive nature of state of being tends to be heavily self-involved, trying for close narrative distance but alienating instead from its heavily introspective internalization.
The second opening is also largely backstory tell, narrator summarizing and explaining the action.
I like the first opening more for its degree less introspection and its mystique. If you're set on making this a nuclear post apocalypse, that can be portrayed by hints about the unusual weather, for example. Atmospheric radioactive particles may be nucleation sites for snowflake formation. Maybe Larry has some kind of radiation detection or protection equipment.
I think the nuclear homicide can still work and be national suicide, maybe from a complex degradaton of Western vigilance that terrorists take advantage of. Maybe nuclear weapons are used by hotheads to prevent a separatist movement from using theirs first? Part of the national fear of immigrants comes from worries immigrants may usurp regional government power, for example.
Consider, though, opening with a scene where Larry accompanies someone so Larry isn't so heavily introspective from being alone. But give them a goal or purpose, a want complicated by a problem opposing satisfying the want. And portray more of the external features, the setting, including Larry's companion as part of a problem as it emotionally impacts Larry. External stimulus causes emotional responses. Stimulus first then response, which can be external or internal. See, these openings both portray the effects of some unknown causes.
posted
Lots of food for thought. Thanks all of you. I spend most of the night laying awake working through it on my head. I should have gotten up and wrote it out. I am bringing in Larry's wife into the picture early, as within the 13 lines. Most of what I have is notes that I am working to make a story out of so bear with me. And again thanks for the help.
Extrinsic, the general idea is much as you said above. "Degradation Western vigilance" More to the fact that the current political situation is using it more to buy votes than to protect our nation. The voters are to blame in the end and this story is about Larry and other paying the price.
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