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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Chapter 12 - Ring

   
Author Topic: Chapter 12 - Ring
Denevius
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Revised below.

[ January 02, 2014, 04:30 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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Denevius
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As always, thanks for any comments!
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wetwilly
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"Without a heart, can the dead love?" While this is an interesting question, this feels like the narrator intruding and trying way too hard to sound deep. (That's an "it takes one to know one" comment; I am often guilty of this literary sin). Maybe if he looks at the heart pendant first, and then the question can be framed as his thought instead of coming at me as a narrator address.

"The downed nuclear plants frayed nerves as well as raised temperatures." I am confused. Don't know what that's about or why the downed plants frayed nerves. Also, is eating patbingsu and sipping coffee intended to be a response to having frayed nerves? It's not clear to me why it would be. It actually creates kind of a relaxed, laid back picture in my mind.

"walking slowly past humans living human lives" cool concept, bulky wording.

The lively girlfriend with hidden cancer is very interesting.

I look forward to seeing the finished product of this book some day (hopefully on a shelf at a book store). I've seen a lot of interesting stuff going on in it so far.

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Denevius
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Hey, thanks for the comments! I'm midway through the novel now. I suppose I'll be done the first draft in three months.
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jerich100
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I thought the first sentence was okay.

Consider changing, "He moved off from the jewelry store" to "He left the jewelry store". Perhaps it sounds cleaner/swifter; the "less is more" principle.

In the last paragraph you use the words "humans" and "human". Is this because Bu Chang Jin isn't? That's how I read it.

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Denevius
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Hey, thanks for the comment!
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Denevius
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Bu Chang Jin wanted to feel human. He wanted to sweat, he wanted his cotton shirt to cling to his body. He wanted to step inside a Tom n Toms and order a tall glass of sour lemonade because he was thirsty, not because he was pretending to be alive. But the summer heat didn’t touch him. His brow remained dry, his skin cool. Dark clouds above In-je threatened rain, but the night would only be hotter afterwards. Bright lights spilled out from shops lining the neighborhood’s busy streets, and doors stood open to let in humid air that did little to cool off sweating patrons.
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