posted
You wrote: "Almost having her arm ripped off..." Consider: "Having her arm nearly ripped off..." (more direct)
You wrote: "put a new damper on life." Consider: showing more, describing what the character is going through; also isn't "damper on life" a saying (a.k.a., cliche?)
The rest of your excerpt is very descriptive and interesting, imo.
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posted
Overall, a vivid scene opening. The sensory stimuli strongly creates an illusion of reality in the moment of the scene.
I feel like the first paragraph is a transition follow-through from the previous chapter ending's action. Not having read that prior part, I don't know, maybe the transition isn't as fully realized as might be ideal. An opening transition follow-through to my thinking ought to step up the action to come as well as revisit the prior action; in other words, amplify.
The language of the paragraph isn't as strong as that of the second paragraph, creating a hiccup that might give reason to pause reading before the chapter has begun in earnest.
jerich100 notes the tentativeness of "almost." Though "nearly," as suggested, is firmer due mainly to syntax adjustment, placing the adverb in verb modifiying position. I think a more direct approach, again syntactically, might be stronger and clearer, firmer, say, A stone golum violently wrenching her arm . . .
The cliché "damper" jerich100 notes, too, is on the lackluster side. Again, a direct approach rather than a metaphorical one would be stronger and clearer. "Damper" as an idiom could be character voice; however, the meaning connotatively is deadening or dulling. "New damper on life" implies a new dulling or deadening effect. The net inference I make is Jung Hyun welcomes the dulling effect, where I infer the intent is more along the lines of a new perspective, "new lease on life," that idiom and cliché, so to speak. Or not. I don't know, when I feel I should clearly know the intent and meaning.
Second paragraph, first sentence, negation statement. Negation statements tend to demand slightly more processing than positive statements, and can be confused with irony types. Irony is artful, though. This one is on the understated side, hence, a litotes-like expression. Its figurative meaning is unclear, partly from whether or not the expression is the narrator's or Jung Hyun's. That kind of ambiguity, vagueness, could be cleared up by making it a direct positive statement--narrator's, or calling due attention to its irony through a stronger emphasis. "Didn't even know" is the crucible of the statement's shortcoming due to its everyday conversational nature. A challenge of creative writing's prosody is to make reading as easy as listening to everyday conversation but artfully expressive.
Further, the prefatory restrictive dependent clause " A year ago" could be more seamlessly deployed. //She just could not have imagined a year ago the Gwanylo even existed.// For example. Though from my voice, smoother syntax and diction again.
That sentence doesn't connect to the following context, though. It stands apart from the scene's now moment and the prior paragraph's context, though closer to the previous paragraph's context.
The second sentence's sentence adverb "Now" repeats the prior sentence's syntax hiccup of a prefatory restrictive dependent clause. The repetition lacks what I would expect of the rhetorical triplet repetition, substitution, and amplification in the amplification department.
"As" too, meaning while, is vague from its everyday conversational use as a syntactically abused conjunction. A matter of nonparallel parallelism I feel. "A year ago," "now, as" implies correlation between then and now, a post hoc; ergo, propter hoc fallacy. And a cum hoc; ergo, propter hoc fallacy from its placement at the beginning of the paragraph and transition from the before time into the now moment.
That second sentence is ripe with sensory details that artfully authenticate the narrative, being wonderful details that develop the scene's illusion of reality. However, I don't see the main idea of it. The first sentence and second sentence prefatory conjunction clause sets up an expectation that a revelation of how Jung Hyun learned of the Gwanlyo will be revisited with amplification, maybe through attitude commentary. But after all is said and done in the paragraph, the sole context and texture I get is Jung Hyun is nauseous. That second sentence and the third are run-on sentences too, joining several main ideas that get lost in their wholes.
Coordination and parallelism areas for concern, too, in those second and third sentences of the second paragraph. "Pungent" has a denotative meaning of sharp and unpleasant smells or tastes. It is one of those uncommon words with duelling meanings. "Pungent" has pleasant connotations. "Sharp garlic" doesn't express whether the smell is unpleasant or pleasant. Likewise, "sweeter smell of toothpaste" doesn't express whether it is sensed as pleasant or unpleasant by Jung Hyun.
Then Jung Hyun grips the commuter strap tighter and feels nauseous from the abrupt stops and starts of the bus. At last, this is what the smells means but they are not coordinated with nor connected in parallel to her nausea.
Then vertigo waves assail her as [while] sounds assail her, and she resists flight to escape the sensory bombardment and when an ajuma's elbow jabs her stomach as [while] she pushes toward the exit. Lots of nonsimultaneous actions posed concurrently there.
The sensory stimuli are strong but I feel cluttered by diction and syntax hiccups. Also, the dramatic import of the scene opening seems to me intended to create that illusion of reality and not much else. For this to matter, some other point of setup for the upcoming action I think is called for. I might guess and I might guess wrong about the chapter's main action being Jung Hyun's learning about the Gwanlyo's existence. I think I'd be wrong. I might project she's on her way to meet with a superior and report on prior actions. I need a reason to remember this nausea scene later on so that it matters to the action that came before, that happens now, and the action to come.
The strong qualities for me are the sensory descriptions, although I'm guessing what they mean while they unfold. On the shortcoming side, I don't see this opening moving the plot. Jung Hyun is in motion but not per se in dramatic motion. This sets up for a mood using a nauseating sensory experience but why does it matter for the overall plot? This is like using a weather report to symbolize an emotional state, say dark clouds and thunderclaps. But if no relevant dramatic movement takes place, the scene can as easily be excised, or it might be skipped over by readers.
posted
Hey Extrinsic, as always, thanks for the comments!
quote:On the shortcoming side, I don't see this opening moving the plot.
This is about midway through the novel now, so it's more of a challenge to create a hook that stands alone in the opening lines. As a character, one of the dramatic conflicts Jung Hyun has struggled with is the amplification of her senses. This amplification is one of the novel's antagonists for most of the characters. The idea of this chapter, and it's opening, is that she had thought she was getting a grip on her new reality when something unexpected has happened to change her paradigm: the golem almost killing her, something she did not think was possible (both a golem existing, and almost being killed by it).
So, the line which followed this, which I thought might be too long an opening for the rules of the site, was: 'Jung Hyun struggled not to be swept away by the tide of sensations, fought for an anchor to keep her moored in the chaos of her surroundings.'
So yeah, the first two lines recap the ending of a chapter 9 (relatively speaking, the chapter numbers are in flux at the moment, as this will probably be chapter 15 or so), the first line of the second paragraph speaks to her mind state, which the sensory lines expound upon to be concluded by a summation of her overall present perspective: she feels newly adrift in the waves of reality around her.
I'll work on the language of the opening, though. Thanks again!
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