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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Conclusion - Sunrise Peak

   
Author Topic: Conclusion - Sunrise Peak
Denevius
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Revised below.


***

Thanks to all who have commented on these openings! This first draft is basically done, and seems like it will be about 86,000 words.

[ March 01, 2014, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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kmsf
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Congratulations on completing your first draft! No small accomplishment my friend. I'm inspired to complete mine [Smile]

I can't speak too much to the story because I haven't followed it all the way through, but I can say the parts I have read intrigue me. I hope to see your work in one of the markets one day in the near future.

Ok, so down to the mechanics and stuff.

Kim Jung Hyun wore the handcuffs like an accessory, one loop connected to her belt. She sat behind the wheel of a silver Hyundai, her first car since joining the company.

These two sentences follow the same cadence, so they just thud. I think it would flow better with some variation in the constructs.

The last two sentences of the first paragraph could be swapped, I think, to better effect. The idea in the last sentence, how she actually got the money for the car, would flow better were it to immediately follow the second sentence.

She saw the headlights of a car entering the parking lot and coming towards where she’d parked.

Feels awkward with the -ings.

She wished she could remember why’d she brought them, and only dimly knew that it had something to do with the meeting tonight.

I'm confused why she wouldn't remember. I assume a reader familiar with the details of the character thus far would understand. But just in case, I thought I would mention it.

The Gwanlyo employees on Jeju Island had been loathe to reveal themselves to each other, but under the extraordinary circumstances, they had no choice.

This feels like a POV shift to third-person omniscient. If that isn't your intent, maybe with a little more emphasis on her opinion or thoughts, it would be obviously her POV.

Again, very excited for you!

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Denevius
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Hey, thanks for the insightful comments, Kmsf! You hit a lot of my concerns as I read over it before posting it here.

I'll have to work on it. Thanks again!

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jerich100
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The end of the third sentence, "for now on." Did you mean to write "for now" or "from now on"?

I agree with kmsf's comments; I realize that's not helpful, so I'll try really hard to comment on your lines.

In the second line the first three sentences begin with "she". That's something I try to avoid, although it's difficult to.

Is Kim one of the Gwanlyo employees? If not, then there might need some explaining. And if so, then "they had no choice" is cumbersome because the paragraph goes from "she" to "they". Will the reader be able to follow along? I guess this goes along with kmsf's last comment.

But it's smartly written. Keep at it.

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Denevius
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Thanks for the reply!

quote:
Did you mean to write "for now" or "from now on"?
Is the saying, 'from now on'? I thought it was 'for now on'.

"For now on I'm going to Shop And Save."

"From now on I'm going to Shop and Save."

I have awful phonic skills, so words like that tend to confuse me. They kind of sound the same to my ear.

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jerich100
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I believe it's "from". You can ask around, I believe people will confirm.
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wetwilly
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From.
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Denevius
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[ April 05, 2014, 02:29 AM: Message edited by: Denevius ]

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