Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Books » Untitled Space Opera

   
Author Topic: Untitled Space Opera
JadedKit
New Member
Member # 10302

 - posted      Profile for JadedKit   Email JadedKit         Edit/Delete Post 
Plasma fire lit up the darkness. Haolin heard the screams of his laboratory assistant, research partners and fellow scientists. Even through the thick walls of the bio storage unit he heard them. He hid behind one of the racks, crouched with his arms wrapped around Allinne. Haolin’s ragged breathing matched her own, the mask of his hazard suit fogged over. But he still saw the shadows of the uniformed men pass the observatory ports, in groups of two or three. It had only been perhaps thirty minutes since the labship, Azuras, had gone dark. They had been storing maturing samples from their research post on the planet’s surface, when emergency alarms blared. Then the magnetic pulse hit, and left them drifting uselessly in orbit as the unmarked vessel force docked.

-----------------------
I hope this is thirteen lines, it fit into my text box as per instructions, if it isn't I'll edit post haste! This is the rough beginning for my space opera novel. 50,000+ words now. I haven't had anyone but friends and family read it and thought I could benefit from some other critique. Thanks!

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Denevius
Member
Member # 9682

 - posted      Profile for Denevius   Email Denevius         Edit/Delete Post 
The writing is clean enough, so I'd read on. There's nothing particularly interesting in this opening, but trying to cram a hook in this line space might be unwise.

But yeah, I'd probably read the first two or so pages of this before deciding if I'd continue or not.

Posts: 1216 | Registered: Nov 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JSchuler
Member
Member # 8970

 - posted      Profile for JSchuler   Email JSchuler         Edit/Delete Post 
The opening is flat for my tastes.

Consider the second sentence: "Haolin heard the screams of his laboratory assistant, research partners and fellow scientists." Does he hear them all at once, or one at a time? Can he pick out who is who from their scream alone, is he watching them, or is he just extrapolating from where the screams are coming from? Do they scream only once? Are the screams "mercifully" short, or prolonged? Does he cringe at each one?

Consider Allinne. What's the relationship between the two? Perhaps Haolin is trying to avoid recognizing his own fear by focusing on her. He's holding her; is she in front, an unwitting human(?) shield? Or is his body covering hers? Is he trying to calm her, avert her eyes, silence her so she doesn't give away their hiding spot?

"It had only been..." We aren't even past the first thirteen, and we're already getting backstory. This is a sign that you might have started your story too late. And why? The situation described seems like it could support an engaging chapter or two, and it would give us the chance to get to know these faceless individuals who were slain in the first couple sentences.

I will put emphasis on Denevius's warning against cramming. You have crammed a good deal of information on the setting and situation, but it's all spread too thin. Don't try to hard for a hook. Instead, try for compelling writing. Make the scene feel alive, get us knowing the characters. The introduction to your story is on your back cover: this is the introduction to your writing.

Posts: 388 | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TaleSpinner
Member
Member # 5638

 - posted      Profile for TaleSpinner   Email TaleSpinner         Edit/Delete Post 
Welcome to Hatrack, JadedKit.

I fear you're making a mistake that many of us make as new writers, of telling much and showing little. (New writers are often advised to "show not tell" and while some like to debate whether it's good advice or not, I think it's relevant here.)

This surely ought to be a dramatic scene. I want to be in there with Haolin and Allinne, scared for our colleagues and ourselves, trying to survive and maybe fight back. But it reads almost like a report. The screams are out of sight and we don't really know who's screaming or why, so it's hard to get excited about those people. All we know about the invaders is they're in uniform, came in space ships and crippled the lab ship with a magnetic pulse.

You could probably get a chapter or more just with this opening action, I'm guessing, if you showed it to us in several scenes - gathering samples, space fleet approaching, mag pulse, invasion, people being hit by plasma fire, etc. If the rest of the novel skims along at this high level, it's not going to be very engaging, I fear.

I think part of the trick of writing stories, long or short, is in leaving only some of it to the reader's imagination; this piece leaves too much, at least for me.

I love space opera so I'll take a look at the first two or three chapters if you would like.

Hope this helps
Pat

Posts: 1796 | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JadedKit
New Member
Member # 10302

 - posted      Profile for JadedKit   Email JadedKit         Edit/Delete Post 
Wow, thanks guys! I actually wrote two beginnings, though the word count only includes the most complete one. The other one begins a few minutes before the attack but to be honest I was afraid if I didn't start right off the bat with action, it would be dull. Though I prefer the other beginning because I let myself establish more of the relationship with Haolin and Allinne, which is a huge part of the story.

I liked the idea of this scene but I still felt it was missing something apparently it's missing a lot [Smile] , so the critiques help a lot. Hmm, I also wrote this after a good portion of the story was written so I can see how it'd be difficult to get engaged with the characters, I already know and love them so I didn't take into consideration that they'd need more of a set up because obviously the reader doesn't know anything about them.

Defiantly be looking to start this earlier, and start at a walk instead of sprint per say.

TaleSpinner - Wow, sure! I'd love that. Though I don't write in sequence, and due to a plot decision made later on the book, I had to rewrite my beginning but because I didn't want to get caught in rewriting loop so early on, I just wrote a few pages. But you're welcome to look at it. If you don't mind a few explanatory notes in the figurative margins.

Posts: 5 | Registered: Sep 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
extrinsic
Member
Member # 8019

 - posted      Profile for extrinsic   Email extrinsic         Edit/Delete Post 
This fragment rushes through events using summary and explanation of events, some the immediate now moment, some past events. The event of substance the fragment develops is an attack on the labship in which Haolin and Alline peacefully work.

As an event, an attack is impersonal event at first, personally a crisis, though impersonal from a lack of personal viewpoint agonist wants. A want for safety from the attack as a problem foremost sets up a dramatic conflict, one of life or death or other impacts on personal safety. However, readers must care about agonists first. Haolin could as easily be a villain as a hero. A minor touch of sympathy develops from his protection of Allinne, maybe, though stakes-wise not how their relationship is. Lovers? Coworkers? Superior-subordinate? Peer to peer? Noble acts do signal an agonist is empathy-worthy, though impersonal noble acts are unclear and weak.

Some of the language is also unclear, unclear whether Haolin and Alinne are male or female, unclear whether one shields the other, unclear whether "Azuras" is the labship's name, mission, or place name, unclear the attack is from another ship, number of ships, infantry, or other attack force unit, unclear time, place, and situation "_Then_ the magnetic pulse hit, and left them drifting uselessly in orbit _as_ the unmarked _vessel force_ _docked_." Docked then what? Boarded? Perhaps grappled first?

Seeveral punctuation and syntax glitches cause a portion of the confusion and vagueness and impersonalness.

In all though, for me, the summary and explanation nature of the fragment leaves me least interested and curious. An example, "Haolin _heard_ the screams of his laboratory assistant, research partners and fellow scientists." Show, or reality imitation portrays aural sensations, doesn't describe--tell--the aural sensation action: heard. Other issues with the sentence include "the screams," definite article used for an indefinite situation; a serial list of who screams, nonspecfic to the sound of the screams and the persons' different screams. Use of viewpoint agonist Haolin's name signals writer hand on the tiller, overt narrator too, when the intent appears to be only to introduce his name.

An example recast for illustration: //Atmosphere leaked out punctured airlocks. His laboratory assistant, research partners, and fellow scientists, and Alinne screamed as one with air screeches and Haolin, through the thick walls of the bio storage freezer shrieks penetrated to him.//

Begin, though, with more, stronger, clearer personal reaction and development to "Plasma fire lit up the darkness." Presumably weapons, though not clear if a plasma fire burns or is fired weapons.

Impersonalness fails to engage my emotional investment and participation in a narrative. I would not read on.

Posts: 6037 | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2