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This is the opening of a trilogy that I thought was well done. See if you agree.
“Hssst! Nest!” His voice cut through the cottony layers of her sleep with the sharpness of a cat’s claw. Her head jerked off the pillow and her sleep-fogged eyes snapped open. “Pick?” “Wake up, girl!” The sylvan’s voice squeaked with urgency. “The feeders are at it again! I need you!” Nest Freemark pushed the sheet away and forced herself into an upright position, legs dangling off the side of the bed. The night air was hot and sticky in spite of the efforts of the big floor fan that sat just inside her doorway. She rubbed at her eyes to clear them and swallowed against the dryness in her throat. Outside, she could hear the steady buzz of the locusts in the trees. “Who is it this time?” she asked, yawning. “The little Scott girl.”
posted
I'm pretty sure I read that book, but no, these 13 lines are not a hook. As it is a novel, and particularly as it is a trilogy, I certainly continued reading for a while. But I find openings like this to be lacking in many respects. First of all, it is your basic waking up opening. I wrote those a lot when I was just starting out in my writing career, but I rarely resort to them any longer. They do not start the action, they start the day. Second, there is a dialogue opening before I know any characters so I do not know who's talking. Finally, while the dialogue is supposed to seem urgent, the descriptive paragraph makes me feel as if Nest is not in much of a rush. She is slow to get out of bed, and it detracts from any urgency or danger that might otherwise have been a hook.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I totally agree. Anyway, I like openings to pique my interest, and not to try to bludgeon things into me with a lack of subtlety.
Posts: 121 | Registered: May 2002
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posted
Although there is no reach-out-and-grab-you-by-the-throat hook, this draws me. First because of the "Hssst." This may be odd, but I've never seen this sound written this way. I've usually seen it "Pssst," though they are admittedly two different sounds with possibly two different uses. (I'll have to give it some thought. )
"Hssst" is so perfect, though. (Don't know why I never thought of it myself. Is it plaigarism if you use someone's sound that is a true sound? ) And coupled with the alliteration of the name, "Nest," well, I was hooked right there.
The quick wordplay of "cottony layers" and "cat's claw" was a catchy follow-up, and that she "jerked" and "snapped" out of a "sleep fog" helped the scene stand out even though it is a waking scene. I think this is a case of an author breaking a rule with cautious forethought and making it work.
True, there's no urgency on Nest's part, but that plays to the foil of Pick's urgency, and gives us some background on Nest -- that she's been through whatever problem this is before and probably before and before.
With "the little Scott girl," I'm further drawn by the possible distress of a child.
All in all, the writing alone draws me in here, so I'll stand with TruHero on this one and give it a Hook.
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) 
) And coupled with the alliteration of the name, "Nest," well, I was hooked right there.
