posted
Okay, to start things off with the discussion of published hooks I'm posting these 13 lines from the Realms of Fantasy Dec 2007 issue (since it happens to be right next to my desk).
Hot Water by Richard Parks The first thing I did upon waking was reach for my sake cask. it wasn't there. Kenji was. "Good morning, Lord Yamada." The second thing I did was reach for my sword. It wasn't there, either. Kenji, the reprobate priest kept out of reach by the doorway as I struggled to make my eyes focus. Once my surroundings were more than a blur, I realized that I wasn't in my rooms at the Widow Tamahara's establishment. If anything, these quarters were even more spare, though, I had to admit, cleaner. "Kenji-san, what is the meaning of this?" "You've been kidnapped on Prince Kanemore's orders. For your own good, of course." My friends sometimes had a strange way of showing their ==
My thoughts:
Meh. I suppose the draw for some is that it's based on Japanese culture. Being happa, I wasn't that pulled in by it. Underneath that mask, it's the old "MC wakes up in strange surroundings not knowing how he got there" bit. I think what might save it is that we know right away that he was kidnapped by friends, that he still has his memory intact (and thank goodness his clothes!)
On the plus side, the context is clear, there's no confusion about where he is. The speculative element is not yet apparent, though.
Ultimately, I'm not sure where the hook is on this one. I probably would have passed on it. It sounds to me like an intervention.
Underneath the Japanese stuff, there's not much of a hook to buoy this story within the first 13. Guy wakes up, realizes he's in unfamiliar surroundings and doesn't have his sword - that could be 2, 3 lines, and make way for the character's reaction to his circumstance, and some characterization. I don't know who Lord Yamada is in this story, nor can I get a sense of Kenji. No atmospheric immersion either.
I wasn't drawn in, and was in fact put off by the Japanese names and the token sake cask and sword - they seem like a thin veneer of popular 'Asian flavor' without rooted substance to really make good on it. I could be being overly critical of that since it is a short story (correct?), but nonetheless, it didn't offer me any genuine allure.
I would have passed on it, too.
[This message has been edited by Marzo (edited November 29, 2007).]
posted
Agree, feels a little flat to me, though technically good (though I thought there was a dropped comma in one place and an excessive number of them in another sentence, but I'm really not the one to complain about comma usage. LOL)
I wonder why the Lord is using the -san to refer to a Priest. I'm not particularly fluent in Japanese culture, but I thought that indicated a subservient relationship, no? Anyone know? A priest and a lord I would expect would have roughly equal footing. Of course it could be that the word "reprobate" would tell me something, but I've never heard the word before so I'm not sure.
posted
I wonder why the Lord is using the -san to refer to a Priest. I'm not particularly fluent in Japanese culture, but I thought that indicated a subservient relationship, no? Anyone know?
I think that in this instance, the -san is most like an English "Mr.", denoting a sort of respect, but not of a subservient variety. There needs to be some suffix there, because calling someone by name alone has a different cultural connotation entirely.
A priest and a lord I would expect would have roughly equal footing.
The Lord is higher than the priest, unless I'm forgetting something. Interesting how the author decided to go with Lord Yamada instead of Yamada-sama, but didn't omit or try to translate the -san.
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