posted
Ok, here's a new challenge for you guys. Based on the "characterization" thread I started in the open discussion, I would like to see everyone think up a character and show them to us. The challenge: don't resort to blatant description. In a few words (let's say a round 100 as the upper limit), try to get us to feel like we know your character, even what they look like though you don't tell us. As the person who started this mess, I should probably try first. I'd also like to see some honest feedback here about whether or not our descriptions were effective.
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Bill gazed at Jessica with lovesick eyes. "Hello," he said in barely a whisper. She walked by without a second glance.
Bill started to turn back to his work when he heard Jessica’s lofty voice coming from the next cubicle. “Is that your girlfriend, Greg? She’s so pretty.”
She’d flirt with him when he already had a girlfriend? But that gave Bill an idea.
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as feedback, it may be useful to take a guess as to what the characters look like and are like. I can think of no better way to let the authors know if they were effective.
posted
Bill is shy, at least when it comes to pretty women. This works because it is a problem many men have. The flirting part I didn't get, since the dialog could be read as just a comment from Jessica. I had to read it twice to understand what you were implying. Maybe if there was a visual of Jessica putting her hand on the other guy's sholder...or some other act that would imply she was showing more than just an interest in a picture on a desk. (A picture on the other guy's desk is what came to my mind)
There is also the implication that Bill is willing to be devious to get her attention.
posted
With only this little snippet, you've forced me to rely on stereotypes. I picture Bill as a skinny fellow, probably quite homely, glasses- a nerdy type that has trouble getting any woman to look once at him, much less twice. I see Jessica as beautiful, if not drop-dead gorgeous; probably blonde and definitely stuck-up.
How could I get all that from your short passage? As I said, stereotypes. There is really very little in your snippet to paint any of that. The strongest suggestion is that Jessica is indeed stuck-up, since you describe her voice as "lofty", and she walks by Bill without even responding to him in a polite fashion.
Based solely on your passage, Jessica could as easily be ugly and stuck-up, while Bill could be a handsome hunk who is simply, as LDS said, very shy. Or perhaps Jessica is also shy, but chooses to try and hide it by appearing arrogant? So many ways it could be interpreted if I choose to step outside of stereotypes. But stereotyping is easier, after all. That's why it works.
posted
In a snippet like this, in particular, I did rely heavily upon stereotypes and I imagined that the reader would fill in the gaps. I wonder, though, if it would be ok to reveal a smaller part of a person's personality without stereotypes, something more meaningful and therefore more empathetic.
Any other victims, I mean volunteers, want to give this a try?
posted
I'll try it. ----------- Young Bertie Green was like many teenaged lads his age, always out looking for some sort of trouble to get into. Setting his hound loose in the neighbour’s chicken coup, locking one of the smaller boys in the school outhouse, or whatever other mischief happened to take his fancy on a particular day.
Oh, Bertie didn’t mean any real harm; he was just a boy being a boy.
posted
For RH's example: I didn't get a real clear picture of Bertie's character. He's a teenager getting into mischief, and boy-being-a-boy, which is what the piece said straight up. But given the examples, I'm not sure if he's being mean, or if just playing. I don't know whether to take the narrator at face value or try to read more into it (partially a fault of the short passage length). I also don't have a real clear picture of why he might be doing these things, which would tell me more about Bertie.
Neither Christine's or RH's examples has given me much of a mental physical picture, but that isn't a huge focuse of characterization for fiction necessarily anyway.
*********** My "Victim" piece:
Carla sat in the old rocker, listening to the radio in the darkness. She liked the quiet hiss of the speakers, the crazy voices and comments of the show’s call in guests, the silly commercials. They were funny, not like those brash and psychedelic things they put on television . She never had understood why her brother had been so enthralled with the television when it came out. Nothing on that flickering box had ever captured her imagination like a good radio drama. But then her brother had always been one who thought what they had was never good enough, that something new was better because it was bigger, better, and new. Like that fancy house he lived in now, or that huge car he had bought.
[This message has been edited by GZ (edited December 22, 2004).]
Yours set up the time period more than the character. The character did fit the backwoods boy of the 20's or 30's...could be earlier than that. Mischivious yes, and the narator finds his behaviour acceptable. So beyond the stereotype, the snippet does a better job of giving a feel for where and when.
GZ's snippet sets the time period as well, but also shows that Carla doesn't care for change. New doesn't appeal to her. I would imagine her in a little cozy house that hasn't changed in a decade.
Jasmine Bear gasped as the darkness of the shipping box gave way to bright lights and open space.
“Where are we?” she whispered, her eyes wide.
“In a store, of course”, sniffed Rose Bear. “This is where our children will find us.”
Gentle hands lifted Jas high above the box, onto the waiting space on the shelf, right next to Ivy Bear. Ivy brushed a piece of lint off of her green and white jumpsuit and smiled.
Jasmine glanced down, smoothing out her own flowered dress. “I can’t wait for my little girl.”
Ivy’s green eyes twinkled. “I wouldn’t even mind a little boy! You don’t think I look too prissy, do you?”
***
There are a number of things I think you can extrapolate from the passage above, but I'll wait and see what kind of comments this gets before I mention anything.
"My, my Doctore, what an unseemly request! Go to the marketplace? I think not!"
"If WE don't, that... merchant will." snapped the elder mage in return.
Arturo grinned.
"How about a wager, then? Five silver on ‘His Pomposity’ arriving before Tabard does? Two more that accounts are made and silver crosses hands? Then, ONE more if we find ourselves denying that we were involved?"
A snort answered him.
"But we are not involved in this one, are we. Not this time, hmmm?"
Now under the reproving gaze of his elderly companion, the younger mage threw back his hands in exasperation and collapsed into his chair.
quote:Bill gazed at Jessica with lovesick eyes. "Hello," he said in barely a whisper. She walked by without a second glance.
Bill started to turn back to his work when he heard Jessica’s lofty voice coming from the next cubicle. “Is that your girlfriend, Greg? She’s so pretty.”
She’d flirt with him when he already had a girlfriend? But that gave Bill an idea.
Well, the nice thing about having us come up with a reaction based on a fragment, is that it really emphasizes the power of stereotypes in the reader's imagination.
What are my stereotypes about Bill? Firstly, he's young, no more than middle 20s, if that old. Secondly, he is average in build and coloring. Nothing to make him stand out, nothing to give him secret pride and confidence. As a result he has been forced to resort to manipulation to gain the attention he craves.
Three reasons for Bill being so young: he is lovesick, he whispered, and he's puzzled about why she would flirt with him when he already had a girlfriend.
Hah! Women are more likely to flirt when you already have a girlfriend or wife. They're often competitive, so if you've actually got a girlfriend, some (not all) are assessing how hard it wold be to peel you away from 'her' whether they have a real interest or not. You are safe, because you have a girlfriend. You have passed at least one 'girl test' and thus won't drool whilst pawing at her in response to a simple question. And, finally, women are drawn to confidence. Whispering a greeting generally doesn't build confidence. A simple nod and slight smile would have been more effective.
Please! Remember I'm using stereotypes here before you kick me. I'm very male, so I grunt, sweat a lot, and depend upon stereotypical thinking to make my crucial decisions! Unless my wife makes them for me.
quote:Young Bertie Green was like many teenaged lads his age, always out looking for some sort of trouble to get into. Setting his hound loose in the neighbour’s chicken coup, locking one of the smaller boys in the school outhouse, or whatever other mischief happened to take his fancy on a particular day.
Oh, Bertie didn’t mean any real harm; he was just a boy being a boy.
I know 'Bertie' so well (either of my 2 boys) that I was left expecting more. I suspect that you have a vivid person in mind, but got sidetracked by describing him by his actions rather than showing us his personality.
"Young Bertie Green was like many teenaged lads his age, always out looking for some sort of trouble to get into."
This set the stage.
"Setting his hound loose in the neighbour’s chicken coup, locking one of the smaller boys in the school outhouse, or whatever other mischief happened to take his fancy on a particular day."
But this just repeated the theme. That's why I think you got sidetracked.
My $0.02, for what it is worth.
[This message has been edited by mikemunsil (edited December 26, 2004).]
quote:Carla sat in the old rocker, listening to the radio in the darkness. She liked the quiet hiss of the speakers, the crazy voices and comments of the show’s call in guests, the silly commercials. They were funny, not like those brash and psychedelic things they put on television . She never had understood why her brother had been so enthralled with the television when it came out. Nothing on that flickering box had ever captured her imagination like a good radio drama. But then her brother had always been one who thought what they had was never good enough, that something new was better because it was bigger, better, and new. Like that fancy house he lived in now, or that huge car he had bought.
Nice piece, GZ.
Who is she? Well. firstly, she isold enough to have listened to radio only during her formative years, But I suspect that even if she were a young lass, she would be conservative. Other than that, I don't have a mental picture of her.
My only quibble is in the repeat of 'new' in the next to last line. If, as I suspect, you meant to emphasize the word, then I would have expected to see it in italics, caps or something. BUT, I can't make italics work in Hatrack.
quote:Jasmine Bear gasped as the darkness of the shipping box gave way to bright lights and open space.
“Where are we?” she whispered, her eyes wide.
“In a store, of course”, sniffed Rose Bear. “This is where our children will find us.”
Gentle hands lifted Jas high above the box, onto the waiting space on the shelf, right next to Ivy Bear. Ivy brushed a piece of lint off of her green and white jumpsuit and smiled.
Jasmine glanced down, smoothing out her own flowered dress. “I can’t wait for my little girl.”
Ivy’s green eyes twinkled. “I wouldn’t even mind a little boy! You don’t think I look too prissy, do you?”
So, they're live toys? Cool. I cried when I buried my last toy friend (my wife just sighed that heavy, long-suffering sigh).
Jasmine comes across as timid, and Ivy has more spark. Other than that, well they seem a bit one-dimensional. But if this is a child's story, well, they should be, shouldn't they?
They are toys, all of which seem anxious to find their child owners. Rose might be a bit snooty, Jasmine might be a bit nervous, and Ivy a bit more confident. But none of their personalities are very distinct.
********
Impressions from Mike's Piece:
The mages are friends with a history together, as indicated by their banter. Arturo, the younger one, is more daring of conventions. The older mage is more conservative. Arturo gets fed up with that aspect of his friend (or possibly mentor) from time to time.
posted
Okay, I'll give this a try -- but first: I think I like Christine's the best so far. Not very 'descriptive', per se, but isn't that what she was after. In spite of it all, I had a very clear picture in my mind of the two characters.
In fact...I think I AM Bill sometimes!
Okay, here goes:
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Please don't pick me, Tre thought. Everyone always picks Tre first. Idiots. All that anticipation, all that pressure because they assumed he was a guaranteed 2-points every time his team has the ball.
Problem was, there was no such guarantee. Quite the opposite, in fact. Oh, just stand under the basket and drop the ball in, they'd tell him. But they didn't understand. In a few minutes he'd be jogging from one end of the court to the other, arms and legs stretching into random directions, grasping at nothingness, all a prelude to the inevitable ball bouncing off his head.
posted
This thread got away from me over Christmas but I'm going to try to comment on each and every response.
Robyn_Hood: You also seemed to use stereotyping and even more, time period, to help get character across. My only thought is that this is a descriptive paragraph. We are being told about a character rather than being shown who he is. Perhaps it might be fun to show him in a bit of that harmless mischief so we can judge for ourselves what kidn of lad he is.
GZ: I liked this very much. Even though it amounts to a character reminiscing and therefore telling us about her brother, we are really being shown who SHE is. First, by her environment: rocking and listening to the radio. Second, through differentiation. I think that latter tool is an excellent one that I have used before myself to try to draw pictures of people and things.
shadowynd: Very fun and imaginative. Once again, I felt there was a reliance upon steretypes here. I've never herad of a consciouss toy who didn't want a child. But that's ok, especially in a short paragraph.
mikemunsil: I have to be honest. I don't know what's going on here, not really. I think you may be relying upon a steretypical situation that I'm not familiar with. But I have no idea who the speakers are nor do I understand about whom they may be speaking.
rjzeller: My favorite. There were other good ones, but this was just wonderful. First, it was a REVERSE stereotype! The first one to be picked is supposed to be the one whose all cool and steely. I loved the reversal. I also loved the inner dialogue here. Not only did I gleam who this person really was on the inside, but I have a good idea of what he looks like on the outside AND you had me feeling nervous right along with him.
posted
rjzeller's piece works really well. I'm really getting a sense of how this character thinks, as well as seeing how he is reacting to his life and what is going on in it. I really feel like I know something about this character as an individual. Posts: 652 | Registered: Feb 2002
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One lone goose peeled off from a vee formation of wild geese as they flew across a purt-near perfect September sky. Crouching in his deer blind, Travis looked up and felt right sorry for the goose. The rest of the geese flew on south, as unconcerned with the lone goose as if he was a possum, beneath their notice. Travis slid a hand under his cap and scratched his scalp. How come that goose left the others? Probably for a gander. It was always ganders that got you in the end.
posted
For Mary's This hunter is a bit contemplative. You would think he felt guilty, but he seems fautless, with a "that's just how it is" attitude, reflected by the mention of the "gander."
Posts: 5 | Registered: Oct 2006
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posted
I get the idea from Mary's piece that the hunter had troubles with a gander (or girl) himself at some point, and that might be the focal point of this character.
But wait. Aren't ganders male geese? Well, there goes that theory...
Here's my attempt at this: ---- Alexias Tareht leaned casually against the wall, looking on impassively as her two thieves argued. One wanted to keep waiting for their confederate to unlock the door from within; the other favored picking the lock and risk setting off the alarms. The argument escalated as quickly as her impatience until she broke in with a brisk, "Outta my way."
She strode forward and kicked the door down -- BOOM. Argument settled. "There you go, gentlemen," she said scornfully.
She entered first, of course. "Come quickly," she ordered, looking around warily. "I don't feel like wasting my time here." -----
posted
I got the image of a really butch Samantha Carter(from Stargate, dunno if you've seen it). Basically combat boots, long blonde hair, and camo. Of course, a huge gun at her side and lots of lean muscle. I got the feeling that she follows the 'Big Stick' policy.
Here's my go: Gene and Grace sat together on the couch. He was older, she was younger, and her head was resting on his shoulder. His shiny new cane was lying on the coffee table, where Graces feet were, and he was flipping between AMC and Prime Ministers Questions on the television. Nothing was said, but the odd way that Graces hands were folded in her lap, and how Genes arm wasnt wrapped around her, divulged a storm that had yet to be forgotten.
[This message has been edited by Faye (edited October 31, 2006).]
Kilna stood outside the shop window and stared at the young woman buying a bolt of colorful cloth. He dug the toe of his boot into the dirt on the road, he sighed heavily as she wandered from table to table. He pressed his angular face against the cold window, and he smield. Kilna became lost in thought as he watched her. Subconsciously twirling his long blonde curled hair, a gift from his Mommy dearest. The store's bell rung and Kilna was snapped back to reality. The young woman looked at Kilna and smiled, her dark eyes full of mischeif and love. Kilna's heart skipped a beat and his face reddened, "H-Hi Jewlia, I'm a big ape - beautiful?" Jewlia's laugh was melodic to Kilna, the fact that she said hello to him was enough..
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