Title: Our Lady's Own Devil

Title: The Hero of Huatenco

Title: Psorcerer

“Him,” I nodded to Juarez. He grinned and sauntered away to stand a few feet behind the man, pretending to be interested in the timetable. The target chose himself when he had kicked a kid hawking smokes—bastardo. He sat and read a newspaper while waiting for a train at Chabacano Station--expensive suit, shades--ideal.
I shut my eyes and slid into the man's mind; it was like penetrating a nest of snakes. The moment I could see the newspaper through his eyes, I severed the link. It was more than enough.
As I opened my eyes, my head throbbed, but Juarez was already on the move. The dazed man sagged in the chair. The newspaper fell from his hand and the wind of a passing train plucked its

Title: The Nimble Hand and The Snake

Sitting atop a garbage can, Sebastian looked down the block to see if Juarez was in place. Juarez knelt in front of a store wall, rolling dice. Sebastian hopped down and got behind the sharp dressed businessman, melding into his footsteps. He often wondered if he actually became invisible when his mind became one with is target’s. As casually as if he were removing his own wallet, the businessman’s became his. He stopped and knelt beside Juarez and rolled the dice.
“Can you see me when I follow?” asked Sebastian.
“Yeah. What you think you invisible now?” Juarez laughed then stopped abruptly. “El Lyre. They watchin us.” Sebastian looked up to see two of the gang cross the street, comming right to them. Day runners were inconspicuous, wearing khakis and white

Disappointed that more didn't participate, but WotF and other contest deadlines probably kept potential participants busy.

Here's what I think of all four.

Our Lady's Own Devil

Best title of the four. Made it hooky all be itself. I am not a fan of using reminiscing to tell a story.

if all she saw was our Saviour, all my friend saw was an empty cupboard and hungry little sisters.

I liked this line a lot. Summond up Sabastian's motives quite well.

The Hero of Huatenco

Too much spanish. The POV was a little wishy-washy as well.
Of the four, this one invested the most on the victim

Psorcerer

Second favorite title. The best prose of the four. I do not like the first person POV for this story. Too bad the submission got edited. i would have liked to read the rest of the line.

The Nimble Hand and The Snake

I liked this approach the best. I really liked how Sabastian thinks he is invisible as he follows in his victims footsteps, it really shows his age.
But of the four, it is the one I would pick apart the most.

Sitting atop a garbage can

I did not like this opening. I would have preferred it cut. This 13 line submission also crammed the most into it, which made it seem clumsy. Never the less, I almost picked it. With a little bit of tweeking, it would have been the best.

Therefore I chose Number one. The best title and best line.
But I could have picked one out of the hat. They were all that close in my opinion.

So,whoever wrote Our Lady's Own Devil is my choice of Captain Hook for the week.

Intro2- The use of Spanish was flawed and overused. The scene seemed to start in the right place, but there was no indication of the specified ability the MC posesses.

Intro3- I didn't like the first person POV in this as much as the first intro. The use of the ability seemed less realistic than it could have. The scene didn't seem very clear to me.

Intro4- Title is good. Grammar was a big issue here, more so than the rest. The dialect was too subtle to be effective. The scene seemed right, perhaps too much information.

Intro 1: Seems like some magical realism might be going on, which is fun. The mother’s blindness is a great image, but actually tangential to the plot.

Intro 2: The line of dialogue at the end of this section worked well and came at just the right point in the piece. The white suit is a great image. I agree other reviewers -- too much Spanish, which really doesn't add much. I couldn’t picture the magic-assisted crime working as described here – too obvious in a crowd.

Intro 3: The magic was most believable here, to me. I was most grounded in this scene with its good sensory details, and the “nest of snakes” is a great image for the victim-bad guy's mind.

Intro 4: Moves into the gang confrontation quickly, so it will focus more on the main confrontation of the plot. I thought the kids' “invisibility thinking” was a good characterization.

I thought all the entries were good quality.

1) I thought this was the most engaging. It was interestingly done from Juarez's POV. Hookiest in my opinion.

2) I thought there was too much spanish in this one. It was well done though. I would have to say it lost points because the story ended at the end of the 13 lines. The victim was made to look like he deserved it.

4) This one had a lot jammed into it. Certain actions seemed blurry to me. It was good all the same.

I would give the others 7/10 but the first one 8/10. Have to leave room for improvement.

Since all participants have now commented I may as well reveal who did what:

Also don't forget to cut and paste a copy of the rules when you post so newbies have them to hand.

Anyway, in order of preference (which, of course, is purely subjective):

1) Our Lady's Own Devil
Evocative. Gives an excellent sense of character and place. The narrative uses a bit of a dialect (I assume it’s an old Mexican man speaking), which in this short bit is not too obtrusive. But after a few thousand more words, it might become annoying. I would hope it would settle down a bit as the story progressed. It’s poetic and I like stuff like that, so I’d keep reading.

3) Psorcerer
I’m having difficulty picturing what’s happening. I had to read it a couple of times to be sure of exactly who was doing what. I really like the line about “penetrating a nest of snakes”. That is probably what it’s like to enter someone’s mind. But apart from the scenery/choreography issues, my interest has been raised. I’d continue reading. The title suggests it may be a Young Adult story (which may or may not be what you were going for).

2) The Hero of Huatenco
Too many Spanish words. I can see a character who’s first language is not English using the occasional Spanish word in their dialogue. But in the narrative, they’re distracting. Adds a “fake ethnicity” to the piece. Otherwise, content is good - a straightforward portrayal of a situation. I’d probably continue, as long as the Spanish words didn’t start making me loco.

Title: Our Lady's Own Devil
I like the set up suggested by the title, the moniker "El Diablo" and the friendly acquaintance the narrator has to this Sebastian character. However, I wasn't quite drawn in here--it felt a little too removed. Partly because you spend a lot of time (proportionate for 13 lines) on his mother, which doesn't seem all that important to me. It seems tangential to your telling us what sorts of miracles he can perform.

My main problem is it feels too easy. Two guys against one victim. My expectation is that they will succeed, so even if there's conflict (i.e. the encroaching robbery) there's no real tension. Hence the hook seems to rely on the alluded-to-but-as-yet-unrevealed powers of Sebastion. I'm actually not sure that's enough to keep me reading.

Title: The Hero of Huatenco

Yeah, the Spanish didn't work for me. It felt like a gimmicky way to create atmosphere. I like the vigilante premise. However, like the previous one, there's conflict, but not a lot of tension. Two against one, again. There is no element of speculation in this piece either.

Title: Psorcerer

This had the strongest speculative element. I like that it's introduced right away. However, again, too easy. The headache hints at some possible cost to these powers, but not much more. I don't know where this story is going. So far, the two seem entirely successful in their objective. I like the vivid writing here, though. (By the way, I didn't look at the authorship before reading, but this one had "skadder" all over it!)

Title: The Nimble Hand and The Snake

Some of the writing was a little awkward here. However, the one thing this one had that the others didn't is an immediate cost to the success of the robbery. They are successful, but they immediately have something else to contend with, something that threatens them. I would turn the page here. This one gets my vote (though obviously it's too late to be counted).

Hope this is of interest. Very cool to see how people handled this.

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited March 28, 2008).]

The lines that were edited out had Juarez pick up the guys fallen paper and put back on the guys lap while he pinched the guy's wallet. The intro then ended with the guy grabbing Juarez's wrist...

So, no it wasn't going to be straight forward until She Who Wields The Book of Rules With an Even Hand cut me down to size. Surely as the moderator I should have been allowed an extra sentence or two?

Although I am interested by your comment that '...this had Skadder written all over it...' What do I do that is noticeable?

First person, for starters--I noticed a lot of your stories are in first person.

The predatory feel--even if the others had something similar, the quality of this one really made me suspect it was yours.

The nest of snakes metaphor, I don't know, sounds very skadder-esque.

And for some reason this sequence:

The moment I could see the newspaper through his eyes, I severed the link. It was more than enough.
As I opened my eyes, my head throbbed, but Juarez was already on the move.

quote:

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Surely as the moderator I should have been allowed an extra sentence or two?

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And how am I supposed to know which post is the moderator's?

I figure these 13 lines are under the same protection and rules as any other 13 lines.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2008).]

I really do appreciate it when people try to put up only 13 lines, and I'm pleased when someone puts up more than that and others support the rule by giving feedback on what they think is the 13 lines. Sometimes I agree with their cut-offs, and other times, I don't (and I don't find out until I read the rest of the topic).

As I say, all I can go by is the reply box my computer shows. It may seem arbitrary at times, but it's what I use for everyone.