Dogen shielded his eyes from the bright sun and watched the katrice wheel in the afternoon sky. The adolescent birds flew in perfect diamond formation—good--he grinned.
“Wannu. “ He turned to the older handler, “Release the swarm.”
Wannu heaved the lid off the barrel and fist-sized raptor insects swarmed out with a howl. The swarm was an ideal target for the fledgling katrices. Dogen focused on his lead-bird and pushed an image of the rising swarm into its human-attuned avian mind—then he told it what to do. The response was instant; the birds split into four groups and dived towards the black insect cloud. The 'katrices then began hitting the insects with fatal ultra-sonic pulses.
"Your birds are good, lad," Wannu said, "but will they be ready for the Swarming?”
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 28, 2008).]
Dogen had never seen a dead body before, and his mother said there was nothing to fear. He was eight turns old, nearly a man, and a true Cheek handler. His dead friend's whitish skin and rotten looking eyes shouldn't scare him. The living do not fear the dead, he recited mentally. Dogen swallowed hard and tried not to tremble, saying: "I shall try to honor him, mother, when the swarm comes." She smiled at him, and tousled his hair. "My brave little man, you don't deserve this, but I am so proud of your courage," she said, turning to leave the stone sick house. "I should like to stay a little longer-- to say goodbye," said Dogen. "You may, but not too long, the swarm does not rest, so we dare not" mother said. She sounded sad.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 28, 2008).]
Dogen knew he would never be a real handler after this. What was this, his seventh mock battle? No, that's right, it was his eighth. He mustn't forget number five, when he walked into a trap as soon as the bell rang and spent the rest of the fight watching his fighters unravel. His fingernails dug into his palms as he recalled the sight of his 250-pound fighters fluttering and diving like panicked chickens in a hen yard. As usual, he'd thought of a perfect regroup formation in bed that night, but, again as usual, it was useless to him the next day, when they'd been routed again. He walked faster, tripping over roots and stones. He didn't notice this stumbling any more than his lacerated palms. He wished for the thousandth time that he had been born a girl.
Dogen ran when the Guardian horn sounded. Wannu stood on the large boulder perched in the center square. He held the Bolsterram horn and pointed at the hill over looking the pasture. His dominate Cheekatrice had its feathers flared and clucked its own version of a growl. Jun, the lead handler, came to the call. Wannu pointed, “Saberwolves.” A dozen of Trist’s most dangerous predators trotted toward the tribe’s cattle. The native canine-like creatures were as large as a loin and had a taste for red blood. Jun whistled and twirled a hand. His Cheeks crouched and darted in the rows of corn. Wannu howled and shoved his arms out. His ten Cheeks assembled in a V wedge, squawked a challenge, and ran to face the pack.
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“You’ll never control them all,” Jun sneered from over the low, stone fence. “Their thoughts will scramble your simple mind when they start to hunt.” Dogen paid the older boy no heed. He sat their admiring his clutch—seventeen wobbly Cheekatrices. He knew his responsibility. The eggs had cost his village two daughters, but he was no longer afraid. They gave him courage. He would lead his warriors against the coming swarms. He snatched his hand from the clumsy, wide serrated mouth of the feisty one. Their minds connected for the first time. He felt its primal inheritance; this one will be a fiercest guardian of the harvest. His Cheeks huddled close to him; the bond was successful.
posted
I forgot to mention- Please do not start comments until the competition closes on Wednesday. Please do not post your own lines either.
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Wannu's last cheek soared over the gathered tribe. Every pair of eyes followed the bird. “The others died last week.” Dogen spun and looked away from his lead bird, Gwal, and at Jun, who stood close behind him. “Yes, thank you, Jun. You received one after his death as well, didn't you?” Dogen smiled into the evening sun, catching a hold of Gwal in his mind, the last bird that had been Wannu's. “Regrettably, the night I received it, it was killed by the Scrapers out near the woods.” Jun cringed as Wannu laughed. “It died before he did! What great work, Jun.” At the moment Dogen said that, Gwal slipped away. It became a scraper.
Jun tasted blood in his mouth and he rubbed his cheek, staring at his mother’s back as she walked away. He should have seen it coming, should have known better than to speak so freely of his frustration in her presence, but now he added the slap to the list of wrongs he placed firmly at Dogen’s feet.
One of his Cheekatrices launched itself into the air, flapping lazily away across the barren lands that surrounded the tribe’s fields, searching for its dinner. Here they live, Jun and his Cheekatrices, on the very edge of the tribe both literally and figuratively.
The Cheekatrices were tools not pets. Stupid Dogen naming each of his. Didn’t Dogen understand? Tools, not pets. Just like Jun and Dogen, tools not beloved sons.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 29, 2008).]
Dogen waited by the corral all day, torn between duty to Wannu and duty to his flock. The cheekatrices were edgy--squawking when the wind changed and fighting over fat larval grubs. The boy clucked at them quietly, but his mind was in his mentor's sod hut. Live! I'm not ready. But Wannu had no strength, obvious as his flock died one by one. When the women filed out of the hut, Wannu's last cheekatrice tucked its head under its wing, cooed, and was still. The boy stroked the ruffled feathers of the hatchling cheekatrice in his lap. "Easy, girl. It's fine." He smashed a green larval grub crawling along the fence beside him and fed it to the bird. "Taste it, Sheeba. That's your enemy." He wiped the tears running down his checks on her neck's soft pinfeathers.
Balanced on the windmill's trestle, Dogen scanned the horizon, straining to see in the dawn light. The Mothers had said it would be at least another month before the swarms came. The colony's wheat fields had only just developed heads. Still, a dread Dogen could not voice compelled him to search for signs of the silver-winged Cleops. He would not be caught off guard. Not after last season.
Below, one of his Cheekatrices clucked. "Quiet, Sneaky," he called down to her. The creature craned her neck up, flapped her wings, and chirped. Soon the others began to cluck. Dogen tried to muster anger at their mutiny but relented with a grin. The birds were still young but already adept at catching Cleops. By next season, they would be his tribe's best defenders. The Mothers
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 30, 2008).]
Dogen watched the raptors play. Their long claws, which churned up the fallow fields, would easily rend an eight-cycle-old lad to shreds--no matter how much armour-foam he wore. The cheekatrices leapt upon each other and buried their sharp beaks in their opponents' downy necks, tumbled and tussled and rolled about with claw and beak flailing. They were truly magnificent creatures. After two years living with them, Dogen understood the primitive language that their squawks and caws made. Soon, their final molting would usher them into Cheekatrice adulthood. He heard a sound like a rocks snapping into a wooden wall, and turned toward the barn atop the hill. Sunlight reached long, thick fingers through holes in the walls. New Holes.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 29, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 30, 2008).]
Jun had lied. Dogen gazed into the warm hatchery at his Golden orbs. Each shimmered and pulsed as the Cheekatrice grew within. Dogen was charged with seventeen new Cheecks. Jun told him half would die before hatching, so Dogen chose twice the number to train than he felt able. Was Jun trying to kill him? More handlers died by their Cheecks than by the Dragars, who could kill his village in one bloody night, if the handlers failed to protect them. Was He staring into the face of his death? Near the top an egg started to break. Dogen took a deep breath as a slimy mass of purple feathers peaked her head through. She made a small growl, then hiccuped. Dogen smiled and walked to warm her.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 29, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 30, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 30, 2008).]
Chirrup. It was a sad sound that had been radiating through the Cheek House for nearly a week now. Today it was broken by the intermittent hiss from Dogen's clutch as they watched Jun drilling his own.
"We might be young," he said, "but that doesn't mean we aren't talented." A loud squawk came from somewhere near the back of his clutch. "Focus, dedication, and determination." Another squawk. He could see eyes lingering on Jun's drill. "Wannu won't be here to help us today either, but we've all learned a lot from him. Now let's get out there and show Jun what we can do!" He waved for the Cheeks to move out onto the practice field. I just hope we learned enough.
Blood dripped down the glass.I’m too late. Dogen turned his back on the domed pen, and slid to the ground. With the handler’s death, the reptilian birds had gone feral, killing all the caretakers inside. He looked to the heavens for answers, tears filling his eyes; the second sun was reaching its apex, the third tracking in its wake. The fertile season was fully upon them, and the swarms wouldn’t be far behind.“Didn’t make it, did ya?”Dogen glared at the older boy. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why wait til now? The cheek may’ve accepted me Jun, Wanu did. I might’ve saved them!”“There’s your answer child.”
Dogen punched the stone wall. The pain immediately made him regret the momentary loss of self control. This was no time to be reckless. The last of Wannu's Cheeks had just died. Although Dogen was young and strong, his body ached from his inexperienced struggle to keep the creature alive. A wave of nausea swept through him when he wondered how was going to raise his own Cheeks without Wannu's guidance. He heard a snort and turned to see someone watching him.
"Lose another one, boy?" said Jun. The young man stood in the doorway, arms crossed, with a smile that held no humor.
"I'm managing," said Dogen. He suspected Jun wanted him to fail, to put the tribe at risk for his own political motives. I should've punched that bastard's smug face, he thought
The morning winds carried the sickly-sweet scent of oil and rain, one burned in the memory of the entire colony each spring. Coming as the portend of the trial ahead, the thick aroma traveled far on a good east breeze, and ahead of a storm, as today, it would stretch for miles. Dogen simply allowed himself to stare into the distance. They were coming. Again. Any other spring, the fettering chatter of his clutch would bring comfort; but this spring, it brought only the sting of salt in his eyes. Wannu was gone. Nothing would change that, nor would the coming season wait for Dogen’s grief to pass. So Dogen just stared as the morning fog rolled in, and prayed
posted
Well, I haven't recieved a post since yesterday morning So I decided to open the comments early. So let them fly. Let's try to keep it organized since there are so many participants this week. I had a really fun time doing this. We will see who the New Captain hook is Saturday, unless the Champ takes the booty again this week.
I would like to propose a format like this:
Best Title:
First Pick:
Second Pick:
Third Pick:
To make the tallying easier. Feel free to comment on as many as you will below that.
posted
Presumably you are not allowed to vote for yourself.
Best Title ~ Stones in the Tide
1st Pick: Sickle Star Rising: This has a nice feel and and a nice attention to detail, but it seems a little rushed towards the end, trying to squeeze in added info. I quite like the slow start and the dawn morning...as I like those in real life. It gives it a sense of the calm before the storm.
2nd Pick: Flock of Warriors: This one plunges me in the action. The prose is pretty clean. Sabre wolves sound cool; also the birds seem to be ground runners which is an interesting take. I have to assume that the sabre wolves aren't after the harvest--unless they are vegetarians. (would have been my first pick had it mentioned the protag a bit more.)
3rd Pick: Oil and Rain: I like the feel of this and the prose, but I feel like what 'they' are is being withheld, though. I don't agree that withholding makes a good hook.
Of the four or five front runners I had difficulty separating them and saying which was best etc. So I would also like to give HM's to:
Stones in the Tide Guardians of the Harvest Face of Death
Well done to all who entered.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 02, 2008).]
posted
Some observations, 10-started with a name 7- started ‘Dogen’ 6- began after Wannu’s death I couldn’t help but to notice that a third of the stories show the handlers having a psychic connection with their Cheeks.
I narrowed down to six to choose from.
Entry 3 Untitled
I loved this line He wished for the thousandth time that he had been born a girl. This one shown a lot of conflict in it. The lack of a title gives it minus points.
Entry 5 Title:Guardians of the Harvest
The best prose of the bunch. I liked how the tribe had to trade daughters for a clutch, that made it hooky by itself. Liked the title as well.
Entry 7 Untitled
An excellent approach. Loved that it was done in Jun’s POV. Loved how it shown a young males state of mind in a matriarchal society. I loved the last line. Just like Jun and Dogen, tools not beloved sons. Lack of a title gave it minus points.
Entry 6 Title:Wannu's Last Cheek
I loved the idea of a Cheek becoming a scraper after its handler died. Adds a dimension to the Cheeks.
Entry 8 Title:Taste the Enemy
A nice idea. A great title. I get the feeling this story would be written about Wannu’s last Cheek and Dogen’s relationship. My second favorite title
Entry 12 Title:Flight of the Cheekatrice
This one used the same approach as many others. Dogen sounds more like a coach in this one. The author did a splendid job showing this.
Here's my choices
Best title Guardian of the Harvest
Best Entry 7 (untitled)
2nd Entry 5 Guardian of the Harvest
3rd Entry 3 (untitled)
A great job done by all. It was really tough picking a winner. I needed to read all 15 a few times before I could make any decision.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited April 02, 2008).]
Entry 1 Title: The Devouring Wind Best title.Great starting place. I liked this scene very much. The action of the training was really good and interesting. The prose and structure was very sound.
Entry 3 Title:Stones in the Tide This was a very interesting intro, but this story is about the interactions between Dogen and his Cheekatrices, not so much his mother. If I had not read—well written the prompt, I would turn the page on this one. Great work.
Entry 3 Untitled I liked the inner conflict of Dogen doubting himself, but the chicken reference through me. I do not like to be led with descriptions “ it looks like something I know” I would rather have the words paint the picture and make up my own mind what it is or looks like. It could be that since I wrote the outline I had no intention of their ever being a chicken on this planet, but it would still be up to the creativity of the writer.
Entry 4 Title:Flock of Warriors I liked the reference to the horns sounding. It really set the mood. I also like that the writer took the approach that the gigantic birds did not fly. The Saberwolves seemed to break from the outline, but could be justified. I also didn’t like the “large as a loin” it made me go huh? The action was really good here.
Entry 5 Title:Guardians of the Harvest Good title. There were some spelling and grammar issues. I liked the starting point. It seems only right to start with him bonding with the cheeks. I also liked the subtle beginnings of the tension between Dogen and Jun. The references to the mind link were good, but “He felt its primal inheritance” did not flow and needs to be reworded.
Entry 6 Title:Wannu's Last Cheek This would have been very good, but the opening dialogue had no tag and I could not tell who said it. There was also a reference to Wannu laughing after he died. I think it was an oversight, and the writer meant Dogen, but it threw me nonetheless. Entry 7 Untitled My only gripe with this was that it seemed very telling and was in the antagonists POV Entry 8 Title:Taste the Enemy Great! I don’t have any gripes with this. I really enjoyed it.
Entry 9 Title:Sickle Star Rising You can tell this was really well thought out. The prose was great. This is my first pick.
Entry 10 Title:The Butcher's Bill Nice prose. Good images. One of my top picks.
Entry 11:Title:Face of Death Another top pick. The eggs are a strong anchor to me. My only gripe is my own. I didn’t feel that he had a choice about how many eggs he had.
Entry 12: Flight of the Cheeckatrice Not enough description of the Cheeks. I didn’t see the Main element of the title. I couldn’t visualize them.
Entry 13: Dogens Death Other than an error in the character in the title9 (Wannu’ Death), this was good, but again the mention of the heeks and no description of them.
Entry 14: Learning to Fly One of the Top picks. Great feel. I really like the interaction of the Pro and the AN.
Entry 15: Oil and Rain Definitely one of the top picks.Beautiful scene nice prose and subtle information.
Second Pick-Entry 5 Title: Guardians of the Harvest
Third Pick-Entry 11 TITLE: Face of Death
I picked these because I felt they were the best openings for the story as outlined. Several others were as good, or even better written, but didn't give enough info, or sent it in a direction different than intended.
Great work everyone though. It was great having so many choices. ~Sheena p.s. thanks Skadder
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited April 03, 2008).]
posted
entry 1 -- Good description of how he handles the birds, the situation. The conflict, however, is birds vs bugs -- not too engaging for me.
entry 2 -- Deep emotional moment and good place to begin story. Tripped over "rotten looking eyes". This death doesn't seem related to the swarm, and the conflict is boy/mother vs the swarm.
entry 3 -- Well done internal monologue. Lots of information about the birds as well as Dogen characterization -- shows vulnerability. The line "wished he was born a girl" good hook. conflict -- boy vs himself. Needs minor copy editing.
entry 4 -- Very well written, sounds professional, good action descriptions. Conflict -- birds vs wolves. But, why do we care about these guys or these birds?
entry 5 -- Dialogue is a good start and the baby birds are interesting. conflict -- Jun and Wannu, but it's unfocused -- is Jun hostile or just doubtful? and what is the conflict over?
entry 6 -- Loved the dialogue, but couldn't figure out "scrapers". reason for Jun and Dogen's conflict unclear.
entry 7 -- Good characterization of Jun and we learn his specific reasons for conflict with Dogen. "tools, not beloved sons" great hook. "both literal and figurative" could go -- trust the reader to understand that.
posted
Entry 8 -- Liked the swarm as catepillars at this point in the season, but the conflict's a little vague.
Entry 9 -- Well written; info about the birds through their actions. Nice scene with the birds. "dread Dogen could not voice" a bit over the top. The conflict, Dogen vs. Cleops (sorry, I can't read my writing) seems too far down the road for immediate tension.
Entry 10 -- Liked showing the birds and their behavior. Sunlight through holes in the wall a great image. Didn't feel any conflict in the scene. Why does reader care that something is making holes in the wall?
Entry 11 -- Has danger, tension, but a little too much explanation. Is rheatorical. Jun-Dogen conflict, but not direct, just suspicions.
Entry 12 -- The dialogue has a fun, manga feel to it (or maybe I'm getting tired ) Perhap you're also an anime artist. Unclear antecedent for "he".
Entry 13 -- Starts at a critical moment. The sequence of events is a little confusing, and I think the multiple suns could be held for later. It establishes an alien world, but it doesn't matter at this point -- you want to get us interested in the boy and his problem.
Entry 14 -- Again, a good instinct for the moment at which to start. A few phrases didn't ring true -- "momentary loss of control" and "political motives."
Entry 15 -- Starting with a sensory detail is a good idea, although sickly-sweet is kinda vague description. Your writing will be stronger without qualifiers like "simply" and "just" . This scene has tension, but no conflict.
Whew! A round of applause for all entries. --- K---
posted
Gosh, I have to say, everyone who entered deserves a huge pat on the back. These are all quite excellent, and I really had to nit pick to select. Well done, all!
I also found it challenging to select because I already knew the premise of the story. It was too easy to read what I knew should be there into the text. I might have gone overboard in trying to remove that knowledge. It's also difficult to know how hooky something is if I already know what it's forshadowing, if that makes sense.
On that note:
Best Title: Stones in the Tide
First Pick: Entry 2 Stones in the Tide
Second Pick: Entry 1 The Devouring Wind
Third Pick: Entry 5 Guardians of the Harvest The deep bond between cheek and Dogen, together with the difficulties in controlling them seem to set up an interesting premise for conflict.
Whew! Judging is almost harder than writing the 13! I'm very curious to hear comments from folks who haven't read the premise. In fact, I encourage people who haven't participated but want to comment to not read the premise until afterward.
Entry 1 Title: The Devouring Wind Nice. Don't have a lot to say here. I though it worked well. The writing is very clean.
Entry 2 Title:Stones in the Tide I thought this one did the best job of showing Dogen's age. I like how he's trying to be brave, and yet is clearly creeped out by the corpse. There's good set up here.
Entry 3 Untitled I'm not sure what his fighters are. There's reference to them diving like panicked chickens but that could just be a simile. I'm not sure I'd necessarily pick up on the fluttering and diving to indicate they are, in fact, bird-like creatures. I'd also like a better sense of what, and more importantly, why these fights are being staged. I'm not into cock fights etc, which is what seems to be happening here. The part about being born a girl I thought to be interesting.
Entry 4 Title:Flock of Warriors Very action packed. I was thrown off with some of the terms. Some spelling errors/ word oddities (a bolder perching, a dominate--dominant?--Cheekatrice, loin (lion??) etc.) are strikes against it. It was a little too action packed for me. I feel like I needed to know more about the characters and the set up. Otherwise, the promise of the story seems to be just a face off between cheeks and saberwolves, without a lot of opportunity for character complexity or development.
Entry 5 Title:Guardians of the Harvest
I like this one because its got the added complexity of a psychic link with the cheeks--adds another element of suspense and tension. "Primal inheritance" I thought a bit over the top. I also thought this one could benefit from slowing down--I'd really enjoy seeing the bond develop between boy and Cheek. Right now, it feels too easy.
Entry 6 Title:Wannu's Last Cheek I'm not sure what's going on here. Wannu's last cheek soars, there's reference to Wannu's death, and then Wannu laughs? Nor do I understand what a scraper is. Maybe a renegade Cheek? It might help if you slowed down a little bit and provided some more information.
Entry 7 Untitled I like that this starts in Jun's perspective, but in my opinion it doesn't succeed for the same reason I rejected this idea--Jun is simply not a very likable character. While having him abused and pressured by his mother is a good way to start, the end part, where he insists the birds are just tools, not pets, turns me off.
I did think this was one of the tops in terms of the writing. Very engaging, very clear and well rooted in POV. Nice conflict. Probably a runner up.
Entry 8 Title:Taste the Enemy(I edited out the text except where the comments directly address in the interest of keeping the post short) Live! I'm not ready. This internal thought was a little jarring But Wannu had no strength, obvious as his flock died one by one. When the women filed out of the hut, Wannu's last cheekatrice tucked its head under its wing, cooed, and was still. The boy stroked the ruffled feathers of the hatchling cheekatrice in his lap. I'm getting confused with the time here. Its written as if this is all happening in sequence, but I'm not sure that's how its supposed to be read. Is he sitting there with the hatchling while the women file out and Wannu's cheek dies? I think this one could be slowed down.
Entry 9 Title:Sickle Star Rising I like the subtle references to the matriarchy as well as the sense of impending badness. However, I think this story is starting way too early. It;s a little slow, not a lot of action. Subtle tension, but maybe too subtle and suggestive. Esp for a short story.
Entry 10 Title:The Butcher's Bill Soon, their final molting would usher them into Cheekatrice adulthood. The whole opening sounds a bit like a nature show here, in that its info dumpy. He heard a sound like a rocks snapping into a wooden wall Not sure how rocks snap anywhere., and turned toward the barn atop the hill. Not quite sure what the hook here is. I suppose it comes right after the reference to the holes. I'd probably turn the page.
Entry 11:Title:Face of Death Jun had lied. I like the opening line quite a bit. Great way to set up immediate conflict and tension.
Was He staring into the face of his death? This sort of broke the spell for me. I generally dislike when the author directs a question at me. How am I supposed to know? In this case, its pointing out something overly obvious. The sense of being bonked on the head with this concept is compounded by the fact that it's reflected in the title. If there's symbolism at work let the reader pick up on it.
Entry 12 Title:Flight of the Cheekatrice
Chirrup. It was a sad sound that had been radiating through the Cheek House for nearly a week now. Today it was broken by the intermittent hiss from Dogen's clutch as they watched Jun drilling his own.Confusing opening. I have the luxury of knowing the premise; if I hadn't, I'm not sure how much sense this would have made. "We might be young," he said Not clear the speaker is Dogen--last subject was "they", last person referred to is Jun., "but that doesn't mean we aren't talented." A loud squawk came from somewhere near the back of his clutch. "Focus, dedication, and determination." Another squawk. He could see eyes lingering on Jun's drill. "Wannu won't be here to help us today either, but we've all learned a lot from him. Now let's get out there and show Jun what we can do!" He waved for the Cheeks to move out onto the practice field. I just hope we learned enough. Internal thought is abrupt.
Cute. I like how he talks to the cheeks.
Entry 13 Title ogen's Death <==LOL--accidental smilie face there. I'm gonna keep it. This one didn't quite come together for me, though I do like the conflict at the end. I thought the information was a little hard to put together in the beginning.
Blood dripped down the glass.I'm too late. Late for what?Dogen turned his back on the domed pen, and slid to the ground. With the handler's death, the reptilian birds had gone feral, killing all the caretakers inside. He looked to the heavens for answers, tears filling his eyes; the second sun was reaching its apex, the third tracking in its wake. The fertile season was fully upon them, and the swarms wouldn't be far behind Moving a little too fast here--we just established the caretakers are all dead. I feel I haven't had time to digest all that or understand the implications, and this swarm business feels a bit of a tangent, though relevant. Entry 14 TitleLearning to Fly Good, but a little too dry for me. A little too much explanation, I guess. The sentences are just a little wordier than they need to be (like I said, it came down to nit-picky things). Also, I almost want to back up a little bit and start earlier. This feels more like the excerpt from a book.
15 TITLE: Oil and Rain Very dramatic beginning. I thought the prose in the first few lines was a little thick and inaccessible. There's reference to a portend, a trial ahead, something repeating, and "they" coming--all good foreshadowing, but a bit vague. By the third reference I was ready for more specifics and tiring of the drama. I like the image of Dogen just sitting in the fog and praying.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited April 03, 2008).]
posted
Dude this was hard, real harder, took longer than writing my 13. Probably shouldnt have said that.
Best title- Entry 1: The Devouring Wind - I found in haunting, violent.
First Pick-Entry 6: Wannu's Last Chick - I felt it hit the age of 12 great. Dogen gloating over Jun's cheek dying, then his own bites the dust a second later.
Second Pick-Entry 4: Flock of Warriors - You had me with "Saberwolves". I am a violence man, and you got to the promise of it fast.
Third Pick-Entry- Entry 7: untitled - The last line did it all for me. "Tools, not pets" then moving it the sons issue.
For me the wierd thing was my favorite 3 were all picked for different reasons.
posted
The whole judging thing is going slow. 17 entries and only a hnadful of results and the next competition starts tomorrow...
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
I'm confused. The new challenge starts on Saturday, I thought it was discussed to start it on Friday. Or was that just to post the plot summary? Either way, I'm in. Today is Friday right?
posted
Your right. The competition is meant to start tonight. I guess the moderator closes the voting and we tally up tonight.
If people are tactically not voting...well that's unfair on those who do. Perhaps list the non-voters (name and shame). It makes it unfair as they may get a vote but then don't give one to someone else.
I think if you commit to enter you need to commit to vote. You don't have to crit--but you should be obliged at least to list your top 3 and best title.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 04, 2008).]
posted
We can leave the voting up until Saturday night. The Forum has been mighty slow this week. Perhaps if we give a weekend day to catch up, we will get a better yield.
The New Mod can still post the new challenge today.
posted
Yes, I agree. No reason the two can't over lap, right? Maybe we should add a line in the instructions--if you enter, you're expected to vote. I thought it would be obvious but maybe not.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Patience, everyone. Let the rest unwind from that long hard week so they relax and make their decision.
In the mean time heres a tally.
Best title
Two are tied at two votes
The Devouring Wind and Stones in the Tide
three others have one vote
First place votes
Sickle Star Rising has three while the untitled Entry 7 has two. Two others have one vote as well.
Most total votes
Four entries have three votes, while ten of the 15 entries have received a vote. Which is a reflection on how tough the judging is and how well everyone did in this competition.
So to all the rest, please vote. We eagerly await to pass the pirate hat.
posted
How are we doing the scoring? 3 points for first place, two points for second...etc. and then tally up?
Or are we just going to go on who got the most first place votes, who got the second-most first place votes...etc? Should really have clarified before voting.
posted
Apologies for the tardiness... 'tis been a busy week.
My votes/comments are below. It appears I am next in line for the coveted Moderator job, and coincidently enough, I have a story outline almost complete. I will post the new challenge, if not later tonight, then definitely by first thing tomorrow morning (in which case, I'd probably allow submissions up to Thursday morning).
On with the show:
Best Title: 1 The Devouring Wind
First Pick: 9 Sickle Star Rising
Second Pick: 15 Oil and Rain
Third Pick: 7 Untitled. Although I should take demerit points for no title
My specific comments:
Entry 1 Title: The Devouring Wind: My favourite title. It flows very well. Doesn’t tell me a lot about the character(s) but the action is interesting enough to keep me reading.
Entry 2 Title: Stones in the Tide: Having read the summary, I was biased towards expecting a different angle than portrayed here. Not that there’s anything wrong with this – in fact it’s descriptive and gives a good sense of character. There’s a hint of conflict (mention of the swarm), but I didn’t feel enough tension to necessarily compel me to continue.
Entry 3 Untitled: Too casual/conversational in tone for me. This approach would be fine if it were a comedic story, but that doesn’t come across here. A good insight into the character’s tortured mind, but feels like too much to dump on the reader too soon.
Entry 4 Title: Flock of Warriors: There’s a lot going on and it seems exciting, but I find it difficult to figure out what’s happening. Could zoom in a bit more and focus on the MC.
Entry 5 Title: Guardians of the Harvest: Except for the unforgivable sin of ‘their’ instead of ‘there’ , a good effort at developing the external conflict. But I’d like to see more of Dogen’s internal conflict. Reads a bit choppy (a lot of short sentences).
Entry 6 Title: Wannu's Last Cheek: Lots of names thrown around before the basics of who and where are established. A little bit of this approach is okay, but this felt like too much. I had to read it a couple of times to understand what was happening.
Entry 7 Untitled: From having read the premise, this is a bit jarring in that I expected it to be Dogen’s story. But ignoring that bias, I really enjoyed this one. Clearly portrays the character of Jun and his conflict with Dogen.
Entry 8 Title: Taste the Enemy: Almost sounds like the end of a story. As I read it, I had the feeling I had missed important events. The descriptions are vivid, but maybe too low-key to be a hooky beginning.
Entry 9 Title: Sickle Star Rising: Builds anticipation well. Enough details are provided to set the scene, but enough details are withheld to build tension. Good balance.
Entry 10 Title: The Butcher's Bill: A fine description of predatory birds playing. But the characters and/or setting haven’t been developed to make me care enough to really get into the story.
Entry 11 Title: Face of Death: Some grammar and sentence structure problems. A good place to start -- hatching of the eggs is a dramatic moment that definitely hooks the character into his fate. But I think the inclusion of Jun dilutes the tension. This could’ve been tightened up by focusing on Dogen’s internal conflict about the eggs first before introducing Jun.
Entry 12 Title: Flight of the Cheekatrice: I’m not clear as to what’s happening in the first paragraph. What’s the sound? Who are “they”? What is Jun drilling? Who is “he” in the second paragraph? Some good ideas, but feels a bit rushed.
Entry 13 Title: Dogen's Death: Similar to #8, this feels like the end of the story. I usually like happy endings, but having the hero fail might make for a nice twist. Unfortunately, at the beginning of a story, we don’t yet know anything about Dogen, so his death doesn’t have any impact. The prose is good – evocative but not overdone, but I was confused by the line “There’s your answer child”.
Entry 14 Title: Learning to Fly: A good attempt to develop the character and his conflicts both with himself and with Jun, but feels distant. Get inside his head and make me believe the things he’s feeling.
Entry 15 Title: Oil and Rain: Creates a very distinctive feel. One gets a real sense of place and of Dogen’s state of mind. Not much tension or conflict, but I find it intriguing enough to continue reading.
Pick One: Entry 10 - The Butcher's Bill I found the bond displayed between the creatures of trainers more feasible within this entry. I'm not a fan of telepathic bonds, but moreso the master-and-pet bond that forms such as between a man and a wolf.
Pick Two: Entry 7 I enjoyed this one. Told of a heavy before conflict, and uses a lot of poetic allusion that I find intriguing. I prefer the Hemmingway fashion of descibing objects and events by not describing them at all, and this entry seems to follow that standard a bit.
Pick Three: Entry 4 - Flock of Warriors Saberwolves. Oh yes... Good description of the action, and I can almost hear the battle drums as I read.
As far as the voting goes, I do like the 3 points for first and 2 and 1 for second and third. I do not have a problem with just sticking with counting the first place ones. If we are voting on how to vote, I move to have 3 points for first, etc... If we cannot come to an agreement, I say we make BT make the decision.
posted
I like the point system too, then we can get a table going and see if we move up it on following weeks.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
I will go for it. We will have to go back through the last two to make it fair for Tournament points.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Not sure what you mean. I just mean a table for this week. e.g.
1st Place: Entry 24: Blushing Cheeks by I.M. Good: 13 points 2nd Place: Entry 19: Oh, What a Cheek by Prose'R'Us: 11 points
etc.
If you add up scores over each week together then if you win on a week when there are lots of entrants, and therefore lots of votes, you will get a high score compared to winning on a week where there are only a few entrants.
My thoughts were that people could say last week I got no votes but this week I got 4 points or something, or I came 2/3rd of the way up this time.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 04, 2008).]
posted
Yeah, but a complete b*st*rd to update, especially if people dip in and out. I t will be biased towards those who participate most and may put off people who merely want the odd go.
Posts: 2995 | Registered: Oct 2007
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) Perhap you're also an anime artist. Unclear antecedent for "he". 
ogen's Death <==LOL--accidental smilie face there. I'm gonna keep it.
, a good effort at developing the external conflict. But I’d like to see more of Dogen’s internal conflict. Reads a bit choppy (a lot of short sentences).
