Nick reached the apartment door, holding his hip because that made it hurt a little less. He knocked with his free hand and before he had even returned it to his side Diane had opened the door. “Daddy I am so glad you came.” “That’s fine, those this business seems awfully stupid. Back when we had you, we just had you,” Nick said, walking into Diane’s tiny living room. Diane looked at the window. “That is why sunlight doesn’t make it down to the sixteenth floor any more.” She looked back at him. “They needed to cap the population and this is the fairest way.” “Well go on then,” Nick said, flopping into the couch. Diane opened the envelope and took out the little card inside.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 08, 2008).]
posted
Intro 2: Title:Waking Up on the Wrong Side of The Universe
Nick could find nothing to help him escape. The Cruise brochure hadn’t said anything about waking up in a cage. Where is Dianne? He worried she had found a similar fate. He looked out into what appeared to be a lab, but the design was not human; the highest surface was about two feet off the ground. Everything was miniature, and he strained to see that he could not read the strange characters on a display screen. A door opened and a squatty looking creature walked through. Two large membrane wings folded behind its wiry, four-armed frame. A wide eyeless head cocked sideways on its long neck as if looking at Nick. Images of procedures came into his mind as if broadcast to him by his bizarre alien captor. He saw himself being operated on. Had that really happened?
He could feel that something was wrong as soon as Nick felt the world slowly peel back from the numbing emptiness that was nanosleep. The pinching of nerves bled from his neck straight down his spine. Lava flowed deep inside his lungs and poison trickled into his veins. This was not a normal awakening. “Di...?” The cold, steely floor burned to the touch as waking fever sent his body’s temperature skyrocketing. Voices swirled around him, all of them ghastly unfamiliar. “Diane, answer... me.” His own voice burned in his throat. As he slowly opened his mucus-encrusted eyes and laid sight to the prison, Nick felt his soul plunge.
Nick skittered back as an alien shuffled into the pool of light just outside the cage. It watched him for a moment with unblinking eyes; older than the previous one, its yellow skin hung in folds and the edges of its wing membranes were frayed. “Where’s my daughter?” Nick screamed, his heart pounding. The alien jerked away at the sudden sound. “If you’ve harmed her--” He convulsed as pain surged through him from his restraint collar. As quick as it started, it stopped and he dropped to the ground gasping. The old alien clicked its toothy beak and shook its wing. Nick got the message--behave—but he’d taken more punishment in the ring against androids. "First chance I get," he promised, "I am going to rip off your wings and stuff them down your throat, you f*cking pterodactyl."
Posts: 159 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Nick gave the bars a shake. “Hey, Birdbrain! Yeah you, after you’re done figuring out the Colonel’s secret recipe you mind springing me out of here so I can find my daughter?” The strange aliens found him intriguing when he first spoke but now ignored him. They seemed content to keep him imprisoned in an oversized parrot cage. Feathers; the last thing Nick expected on an intelligent species. The toddler sized aliens had simian type of facial features that put Nick in mind of flying monkeys in some old nameless movie. “Hey, Polly, how about a cracker?” he said pointing to his open mouth. One of the bird-monkeys threw some grain-like stuff his way. Nick threw his head back and laughed. “Thanks for the chicken feed.”
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"Hey, Doctor Bird Brain!" Nick called to the old harpy peaking away at a keyboard. The lab's main vid screen went black, then displayed ERROR CODE 371. "You forgot to feed me." He was more thirsty than hungry, but Bird Brain's neglect had an up side. The dope in his food and water was starting to clear his system; he could finally think. "I tell you what, that stuff you've been given me, it's got ouzo beat. I feel like a mule kicked me." He looked around the lab. His cage was pushed into a far corner, as if Bird Brain were done with him. Diane? He saw no other cages. Baby girl - Where'd they-- The vid screen lit up with a color image of the Comet Express and a smarmy voice welcomed Bird Brain to the main menu. "Ah, ****!" Nick said. "They'll find Earth."
[edited to fix formatting]
[also, the forum software appears to apply auto censoring. The word in ****, as submitted, was "s-h-i-t"]
[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited April 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited April 07, 2008).]
The bird-woman chirped and pointed a claw at Nick’s right arm. He did not understand her, but he knew better than to ask for clarification. When she chirped again, this time drawing out each syllable, he thought, "Now the guards will come," and braced himself for their punishing beaks. They didn't come, and he began to relax, gripping the examination table to stay upright. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept.
He heard, “Pease. Road up seed," and fumbled at his sleeve for a moment before surprise jerked him awake. He had understood.
He had to make her tell him about Diana before he forgot again.
Posts: 159 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
Intro 8: Title: Blows to the Head: On Fatherhood
Nick knew he was predictable--simple even--thanks to countless blows to the head in the boxing ring. There was only one person in the wide universe that could make him unpredictable, and right now he had no idea where his daughter was. His rescuers couldn't possibly know this, but he blamed them anyway. The bird-like creatures--he mentally referred to them as Cheenta--hopped awkwardly beside him through yet another dimly lit hallway. He suspected he was cramping their escape plan with his pesky featherless arms. Despite the breakneck pace, they kept nudging him and making the cheen-cheen sounds that made up their entire vocabulary. It was enough, Nick decided, stopping and flashing a murderous grin at the bird-men, "First," he raised a finger, "stop
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 10, 2008).]
Nick lay still, feigning unconsciousness, listening to the screams of pain surrounding him. He had no idea where he was, or who held him. But if he wanted free, it had to be now, while he still had the strength and the will to live.
He was down, flat on his back. He had been down before though, and you never stood on the three count, never. No, you waited, bought your time, came to your knees on seven, the ropes at eight, and pushed off on nine. You milked every second for what it was worth, every breathe a godsend. You waited, braced yourself, then, you exploded.
Footsteps sounded and something cold touched his bare chest. My turn. Electricity shot through him, then stopped, and Nick “The Storm” Antoniadis came up swinging.
[edited to fix formatting]
[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited April 09, 2008).]
Ten paces wide and six across, Nick had paced the cage a dozen times in the last ten minutes. He flung himself at the bars and watched as his captors hopped back. Heads bobbing they chirped and squawked at each other. Nick rubbed his temples to try to rid himself of a growing headache. These aberrations looked like birds, moved like birds but with claw like appendages. They cocked their heads and look at him with dead black eyes.
"Where's my daughter?" He yelled.
The clamor inside his head escalated. He staggered back to the corner and curled up in the nest. The ambient rumble his hum created blocked the chaos of his thoughts.
posted
Intro 11: Title: Unusual Punishment to the Face
“Dad, this will be wonderful. I can even tan while we are sleeping.” Diane held the ticket out to Nick. “Just think, after a nice long nap, I'll be ready for the beach and pool that they have inside the ship.” Nick rubbed his eyes, waking up from the dream. His first sight was an old man with a straw in his nose and a cup held underneath it. “It's just a nose bleed, but every time I take the straw out of my nose or move the cup, one of those alien fellows comes in and smacks me with a fish! It's the same one every time!” The old man laughed, shooting the straw into the cup. The door to the room opened, and Nick cringed. It was fish. “Oh s-h-i-t.” The old man said, grabbing for the straw.
Immortality hurts like hell. On the long space voyages, they sedate you to cover the pain. After you're asleep, they inject you full of nanomachines that keep you the same biological age for the whole trip. They call it "maintenance mode." All the racing around and repairing and splicing and whatever else those machines do hurts like a son of a bitch, every second of every day they're in there. That's why I'm supposed to be sleeping. But I'm not asleep. I've been awake for two days, and I can feel every one of those little bastards tearing at my insides. When it gets to be too much, I look at the gnarly, flattened knuckles crowning my fists, and remind myself that I'm used to pain. I'm more worried about the other two pieces of bad news I learned when I woke up. My daughter is gone. And I'm a prisoner.
Feint, and jab. It was the move that saved Nick Antoniadis hundreds of times back in the old boxing ring. He hoped it would be enough to save his life now.
He heard the grating, clinking sound of the Cheeta as it scraped its way into the hot, moist room where he'd languished for the past weeks--months? Years? He wiggled against the muscular cocoon that trapped him and drained his blood away. Much longer, and he'd be dead. God, the Cheenta that creeped toward him might be the one that would finish him off. He was surprised to note he found relief in that thought.
"Feint and jab," he whispered. No time for doubt. The oily smell hit him before he heard its whirring mandibles. He pressed his eyes closed, playing, when his mind parsed words, broken by clicks but
Nick wasn’t the sort of fellow to complain, but the probe was beginning to pinch a little in places that Nick would rather not have any sort of pinching. He smiled and waited for the little round man with the very long probe to finish looking where little round men shouldn’t look. The room was sparsely occupied by equipment that both dangled from shiny rods and lay at random on the wall opposite the door. Nick didn’t remember this being in the vacation brochure but he didn’t want to disturb the little round man with questions. The door slid open and a second little round man stepped into the room. “Hello. My name is Dr. Mucks”, he said, “I am an alien, we kidnapped you and could I interest you in a Latte?”
First Pick: No. 12 The Everlast Man I really liked the voice on this one. The author writes with great authority and confidence. That's probably the main reason I'm drawn in by it.
Second Pick: No. 9 Resurrecting the Storm The writing is very lean and clean, nothing fancy, just the basics. It doesn't feel like it's pushing the action too much I love the last line.
Third Pick: No 1 Why I Hate Cherries I like that this focuses on the relationship between father and daughter. The writing, again, is pretty lean and not too pushy. I'm a little confused by the title since it has first person in it, but the story is clearly written in third. Also, this intro would be more appropriate for a book, IMO. It's going to be hard to move the story forward so far in a short.
Comments:
No 2 Waking up... The first line of internal dialogue pulled me right out of the story. It's amusing, but it felt too unwieldy and involved to be a thought. Then, the "Where is Dianne" thought seems completely disjointed.
No 3 This opening didn't really work for me. It didn't give me enough from the waking up cliche to really grab me. "Nick felt his soul plunge" I found oddly humorous--I guess it made me think of plunging a toilet and hence flushing his soul away... On the other hand, the writing is quite good and clear. I like the transgression of the first few lines.
No 4 This opening didn't work for me. Nick just seems too far gone for me to really get excited about reading his story. I like the description of the alinens, though.
No 5 The first line made me laugh! I like Nick's humor. I like the birds with the simian faces. However, the opening didn't particularly grip me. I'm not entirely sure why... I think, like the one above, it's a tad aggressive. Also, the internal dialogue "feathers' felt unnatural.
No 6 Hm... I had to read this several times before I figured out what was going on. Did they bring the computer into their lab? At first I thought the Cheenta were trying to type on their own keyboards. Also, I couldn't quite believe that this would be the first time he noticed Dianne wasn't there. Also, thoughts spoken aloud "Ah, ****, they'll find earth!" always feel forced to me.
No 7 Not sure what "Pease. Road up seed" means. This entry felt kind of rushed to me. But I like that it starts with a somewhat friendlier interaction between Nick and the aliens. Creates interesting possibilities.
No 8 Don't get what he's blaming his captors for. What does "this" refer to? His not knowing where his daughter is? Or that only person in the universe could make him unpredictable? Also, his attitude surprises me--why would he be so hindering to his own escape? I think there's not quite enough info here to make this work. I like the first two sentences though.
No. 9 (reviewed above)
No. 10 Hm... syntax error in the first line. The way it's written, Nick is ten paces wide and six across. A simple opening, I think it works. To be grabbier I think it needs a hint of something about to change.
No. 11 This one was... weird. Funny, but weird. I like the memory in the beginning--sets a nice stage. But I'm not really sure hat to make of what follows.
No 12 (reviewed above)
No 13 Hm... grating clinking doesn't sound very avian. Also, How would he know to call them Cheenta? Nice atmosphere, though.
No 14. Interesting... but didn't quite work for me. First, took a long time to say he got probed anally. Seemed like a lot of beating around the bush. Second, the last line felt a touch gimmicky. I like how Nick thinks of the little round man, however.
posted
1) Title seems fairly random and unrelated.If it was a whole short story it may end up related, but here I feel it should to some degree reflect the story--and I can't see that.
The intro itself seems OK but has flaws. I am not hooked by the situation; the dialogue seems artificial and there are some spelling errors. I am not sure about the sunlight comment.
With a little work this could be tidied up, but the hook is what she takes out of the envelope--it isn't enough.
2)Interesting Title. I have the feeling the authour is unsure about the creatures; one moment the are squat (squatty?) the next they have a long neck. A creature may a squat body and a long neck but then would it as a whole be squat? Not in my mind. The actual prose is OK but I feel fairly removed from what Nick is feeling especially the last line. Mildly hooked.
3)Title--OK. Waking--cliche. This doesn't hook me at all. He opens an eye and immediately knows he is in a prison? It all seems a little artificial.
4)Title -- Sci-fi-ish, but what does it mean? Exo-skeleton? The prose is OK but it all feels a little sudden, as though plunged into a burining fire before we have a chance to see or care aboout what/who is burning. Too much happening. Conflict is there. Mildly hooked.
5)Good short story title--gives me clues about the story. I like the reference to the colonel! Funny. Seems to lack conflict like Nick doesn't really care that much about his daughter. But funny though--and that hooks me.
6)Title--Not good. Like calling your story 'Boring Story about Nothing'. It may be about something but give the choice between this title and 'Retirement? No way, Mr. Alien--Eat This!' I would read the second. The prose is OK; some bits don't make sense. The birds forgot to feed him--but then that is the first time he thinks about his daughter? The last line is hook--and a good one. If the prose were a touch better...
7) Title--OK. Prose...could be improved. The story is not hooky. Seems rushed.
8) Title: Not hooked; prose is OK but seems poorly put together, by that I mean there are better ways of including the information so it is slipped in almost invisibly into the text rather than explicitly told.
9)Good Title. There were things about this intro I like a lot and other things I don't. I don't buy someone waking and identifying what was going on around him and coming up with a plan with his eyes shut. He would expect to wake on a luxury cruiser, if there was screaming you would look not suspect aliens etc. Also how does he know he isn't free, if he hasn't opened his eyes? He also takes a bolt of electricty without a blink. I do like the whole Nick the Storm bit and the what to do if you are knocked out in the ring bit. Good.
10)Title--so-so. Intro.Prose is OK but am not hooked.
11) Interesting title. Good prose, clear. Comedy story, mildly hooked.
12)Good Title. The whole intro is telling--mildly hooked--if the same prose put me in his actual situation more it would have been a clear winner. The prose is good.
13)Cliched Title--seems I have heard this one before. The first part of the intro seems pretty good, but then your hook seems to fade. I wan't to hear some more about the jab...is it coming?
14)Unrelated (see intro 1's comment). Not hooked--needs refinement. "I am an alien..??" Artificial.
Edited to apologise:
I have read some of my comments and I am not trying to be harsh-- I just jotted down the thoughts that occurred to me when I read each intro--so they are kind of uncensored thoughts--it was quicker than phrasing it carefully for delicate egos! So, apologies and don't take it to heart.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 10, 2008).]
I must say that my choices seemed to coincide with the intro's I felt had stronger prose, whether or not they were hookiest. Basically my mind said to me I can give this writer more time because I like the way he/she writes. The may have been hookier ones--but the style of prose put me off.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 10, 2008).]
I would also like to nominate: Intro 5- Hatching a Plan for the screenplay award. I could see Nicolas Cage playing this--seriously I can see it vividly. I really thought this was great. I think I know who wrote it.
The most engaging entries established a character to care about, conflict, and an interesting story question. Some of the entries launched right to Nick's peril, but when the reader doesn't know him, doesn't care about him, it was too much, almost too intense. In general, I was more inclined to read on with a funny entry, rather than a serious one, but that's just me. K--
Very nice prose and the overpopulation angle is interesting. It doesn’t really hook me though. The title doesn’t inspire me either. The opening has little promise of an action packed piece the synopsis suggested.
Intro 2: Waking Up on the Wrong Side of The Universe
Liked the title. I loved the ‘Cruise brochure’ line. That hooked me. I liked the description of the aliens as well. I didn’t like psychic angle. Some of it was telling. I really didn’t like
he strained to see that he could not read the strange characters on a display screen
it read odd to me.
Intro 3: A Lost Awakening
Waking up hardly ever works. I needed to read this a couple of times to grasp what was going on. The Lava flowed deep inside his lungs line through me for a loop. I’m not sure if this analogy works. I can say this didn’t work me.
Intro 4: Exo-Skies
I like this opening. Especially this line
Nick got the message--behave—but he’d taken more punishment in the ring against androids.
This one hooked me. I didn’t like the title though. Just what is an Exo-sky? Minus points for that.
Intro 5: Hatching a Plan
Interesting title, interesting take. Nick seems like a smart-alec. I wonder if the entire story would continue on this tone?
Intro 6: A Nice, Quiet Retirement
A little too much was crammed into this one. It’s written as if Nick is in an Alien Lab but the ERROR CODE 371 message suggested otherwise. It confused me.
Intro 7: The Alien's Daughter
This didn’t seem like an opening but more like page 15 of the story. A lot of effort went into two species trying to communicate. Not very hooky for an opening.
Intro 8: Blows to the Head: On Fatherhood
The title sounds like a self help book that Oprah would push. This opening looks like the center of the story, way too much to catch up on. Either the author discarded it or plans a series of flashbacks. I am not a big fan of flashbacks they should be used sparingly.
Intro 9: Title: Resurrecting the Storm
I am not sure about…
listening to the screams of pain surrounding him
It doesn’t fit the synopsis, but the rest is dynamite. Action right at the start. Nice job.
Intro 10: The Birds and Beings
Ten paces wide and six across
should have been italicized. Not a bad opening, I am judging that the birds are using something to give him that headache.
Intro 11: Unusual Punishment to the Face
This one made me go, huh? The first two lines were fine then it became bizzarro world.
Intro 12: The Everlast Man
Loved this title. The author sure does know his/her boxing. Everlast is what you see on the waist belt. These were 13 great lines. A very nice job.
Intro 13: The Blood Wars
I get this one. I took a second reading but this is the opening of an escape attempt. Pretty good.
Intro 14 Horses Can’t Swim In Space
This deviated from the synopsis. The aliens don’t look like birds and they’re not supposed to be able to communicate. This looked like a Douglas Adams story.
Best title ]Waking Up on the Wrong Side of The Universe (it was a toss up between that and The Everlast Man)
posted
Title – Resurrecting the Storm. It tied in nicely to the theme of waking from suspended animation and the nickname.
First – Intro 1 - Why I Cherries This intro had two draws for me; first a glimpse at the relationship between the father and daughter and second it was one of the few that did not start with Nick in the cage. I was as guilty as the others.
Second – Intro 5 - Hatching a Plan. Enjoyed the humor.
Third – Intro 12 - The Everlast Man The idea that the nanos would hurt was an intriguing idea.
posted
Title – A Lost Awakening Yes I know its cliche and all. But I couldnt help myself. Obivously a personal taste as it wasnt the hookiest for me, but the one I liked the best. I could see it as a part 2 title dividing a book.
First – Intro 5 - Hatching a Plan I was rolling. And the books I read, don't do this. I would read more, from the first line about the KFC. Although I would think the MC must have retired at a young age as he was a smart-ass.
Second – Intro 1 - Why I Hate Cherries To early to start, would have to be a novel, a prolouge probally as most of the story takes place after his awkening. But, I liked it, father, daughter moment, probally pulls my heart strings.
Third – Intro 12 - The Everlast Man The first line, "Immortality hurts like hell." Killer! Why it kept me reading, I didnt fully connect.
Interesting this week. For me the obvious starting point was waking up, but tis cliche and all, like it stopped me. The next choice for me was boarding the ship. I thought it was too early. But yet entry 1) I Hate Cherries held it together with their prose., Good Job. And last starting with the rescue, I thought it would be too late, yet some still some found ways to make it work.
First Pick: No 9 (Resurrecting the Storm) Nick¡¦s reflections on boxing make both his character and his situation clear. Sometimes I get turned off by opening action scenes because I don¡¦t feel like I know the character enough to take sides, but this one made me care about him immediately. Like Annepin said, the prose was simple, but effective.
Second Pick: No 12 (The Everlast Man) Nick came through as an old-fashioned, aggressive guy you¡¦d want as your C.O. in a crisis. The prose matched the character perfectly, and I was immediately drawn into the action. Third Pick: No 14 (Horses Can¡¦t Swim In Space) This one has some issues, but I think it has potential. At first I was thrown off by the light tone and vagueness of physical detail, but I think that may have much to do with having already read the synopsis and imagined a more concrete, serious opening.
Comments:
It was again hard to choose my favorites among so many good openings! I'm used to critiquing essays and business writing, so please forgive me for focusing on my reactions rather than the prose. I'll get more specific after a bit more practice.
No 1 I loved that it began by establishing Nick's relationship with his daughter. The population-control idea was also interesting. The title didn¡¦t work for me, but I may have missed a symbol that connected it to the story.
No 2 This one confused me when it jumped from physical description to what felt like a flashback. I liked that the aliens weren't physically imposing, though, which could set up interesting contradictions.
No 3 This one had great drama, but somehow I couldn't get involved in it. The last line in particular felt overly dramatic to me; maybe I wasn¡¦t ready for that level of emotional involvement with Nick at this point in the story.
No 4 I enjoyed this one but was put off by Nick "skittering," which to me indicated a more insect-like movement. The description was good, and I liked the line about behaving. For me, this was a tie for number 3.
No 5 This was smooth and seemed to have the effect the author was working for, but I wasn't ready for Nick¡¦s attitude. This may be because I had read the synopsis and decided that he was an older, more serious man. The reference to the nameless movie kind of threw me out of the text ¡V I immediately thought of The Wizard of Oz.
No 6 I got lost on this one when we transitioned to the Cheentas' typing to the possibility of their finding Earth.
No 7 This one was a bit drab and cryptic. I think I just edited it too many times; after a while, everything seemed redundant or flowery enough to take out. My entry last week was better, as were most of the entries this week. I¡¦m learning, though.
No 8 Nick's apparent scorn for the whole species doesn't seem fair or reasonable to me here, maybe because I'm not deep enough into his character to feel his desperation and excuse him for his faults. I like how it started during his escape attempt.
No 9 Already reviewed.
No 10 - I liked the title and description except for the confusing "Ten paces" phrase. I was intrigued by the problem with Nick's head at the end, so I found it to be a confusing, but effective, hook. The nest he sleeps in is a nice touch; the aliens seem clueless here as well as menacing.
No 11 This one started out by grabbing me, but the dream sequence and facial abuse didn't bridge very well. The idea of using physical comedy here is intriguing, though.
No 12 A Already reviewed.
No 13 Great mood and setting here, but somehow the "feint and jab" part doesn't match his physical debility; is it a metaphor for strategy?
Edited to correct formatting
No 14 ¡V Already reviewed.
[This message has been edited by Oblomova (edited April 11, 2008).]
posted
Best Title: Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Universe
1st pick: 9 2nd pick: 1 3rd pick: 13
Why I Hate Cherries: This was a nice opening, although it would have benefited greatly from editing prior to submission. The introduction of the idea of a child bearing lottery sets a subtle hook, but probably a strong enough one to keep the reader reading. Concepts like overpopulation were worked in well, without infodumpitis.
Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Universe This one feels rushed and overdense to me—it tries to do too much to fast. On the plus side, the action and tension of the situation provides an immediate hook. On the negative side, it’s hard to go from 0 to 100 that quickly as a reader. The hook is too big for at least this reader’s mouth. On the technical side, stronger verbs and more straightforward sentence constructions would help the prose flow better.
A Lost Awakening The pros: lots of vivid description. The cons: the density of description takes away from the hook and the prose. The introduction almost does too good of a job of making me feel as confused as Nick.
Exo-Skies This introduction pushes me into my relationship with Nick too quickly. It’s hard to like a character who, at the first introduction, is in a towering rage for reasons that I as the reader don’t completely understand. Nick also comes across as less mature and more prone to empty threats than an older man would be.
Hatching a Plan Some people might like reading a story where the main character is an elderly man with this level of in-your-face, Ramboesque machismo. I probably wouldn’t be among them. The prose is solid, and the writing voice does a good job of conveying an attitude of contempt and defiance, but the character portrayed by that voice isn’t one I’d be particularly interested in learning more about.
A Nice Quiet Retirement See various comments above relating to “too much too soon” and overly macho portrayals of the protagonist.
The Alien’s Daughter This one had some interesting ideas, but it was kind of jarring. It felt much more like something 30 pages in than the opening.
Blows to the Head I have a policy against liking protagonists that flash murderous grins at anyone before they’ve done me the courtesy of introducing themselves a little bit. It presumes on the relationship too much.
Resurrecting the Storm This one had good, clean prose—prose that gained power from its straightforwardness and simplicity. The idea was neat, and the presentation compelling. My problem with this one is that it seems more like a climax (or a dust cover blurb) than a true opening. He comes up swinging . . . and then what? If he fails, the buildup that makes the narrative interesting serves no purpose; if he succeeds the story goes off the tracks of the outline.
The Birds and the Beings Nick as “angry and confused” in this piece came off a lot more successfully than the Nick as just angry in others. If the prose were tightened up a bit, this would have been an easy choice.
Unusual Punishment to the Face The prose was sloppy, it didn’t establish any character, conflict, or thematic points, and there was no hook that I could detect. Creative idea with the fish, but I’m not a fan of randomness for its own sake.
The Everlast Man Solid prose, creative idea, good characterization.
The Blood Wars The prose is good; it would have been excellent if a little cleaner and not so reliant on adjectives. The idea is sound. The major flaw here is that it introduces too much weird new stuff too quickly.
Horses Can’t Swim in Space More randomness for its own sake. For the first twelve lines, I thought that the dry humor was a well-written reflection of the POV character’s temperament. But “Mr. Ducks . . . latte” let me know that I was, unfortunately, mistaken.
posted
Best Title: Waking Up on the Wrong Side of the Universe
First Pick: 3 "A Lost Awakening"
Second Pick: 14 "Horses Can’t Swim In Space"
Third Pick: 11 "Unusual Punishment to the Face"
Comments on why:
Firstly, it was very hard this week because unfortunately many were very similar. I had to read them and then see which one's I could actually remember 24 hours later. But I now feel the pain of any publisher who has read hundreds of Tolkien ripoffs. I am not saying you guys are not being good at being original, but the same starting point made it harder than last week.
No. 3
Powerfully writing, really made me feel it. Like most started with waking up (interestingly this tendency didn't bother me, only really thought about because I have a tab opened to a discussion of bad ways to start stories) but this is definately 'doing it right' the magic secret to using this start.
No. 14
This amused me, but I didn't like the title, seems like a bad attempt to try to catch my attention as there are no signs of horses.
No. 11
Like No. 14 this one amused me, though it may have gone a bit too far. No. 14 and No. 11 were very close in my mind.
Grant
PS After the voting closes anyone who wants a comment about their work other than these three feel free to let me know. I haven't comment on the others because I don't want to make up a comment for my own.
posted
Best Title - Waking up on the Other Side of the Universe
1st Pick - Resurrecting the Storm (9) 2nd Pick - Horses Can't Swim In Space (14) 3rd Pick - Hatching a Plan (5)
I agree with Grant here that most of these started at the same point, with the same character. The smiley face in the story synopsis must have been why.
posted
The cliche is actually about the moment of waking or the coming to terms with the world around you--most people tried to avoid it by having their stories start shortly after waking--anything from a few minutes to a few hours (or so it seemed).
I think the reason most people started at some point after he woke was because according to the outline there is no real plot conflict until after he wakes--the moment he wakes he finds his world has changed and his daughter is gone. So the cliche is actually a pivotal part of the structure of this particular outline.
Were it my outline, I think I would have had him wake when there was the emergency on the ship--then he would have been awake when the aliens captured the ship...
Also, it is implied within the outline that Nick is the MC; so the story should be from his POV or else later (if you actually wrote the story) you struggle with achieving the rest of the plot development.
I considered starting with an alien POV; but it felt wrong, as I wouldn't be able to actually carry it through from start to finish (inc. back story) without a serious struggle or possibly not at all. After all, we don't needlessly make writing a story difficult--I tend to chose the most logical way of doing it--not the hardest.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 12, 2008).]
posted
Since I was away for the last results, I thought I'd participate (though not in presenting a 13) in this one. And to be completely unbiased, I didn't read the symapsis. My opinions will be on these 13 lines (and titles) alone.
1) Why I Hate Cherries: Nothing much happening, or promising to happen.
2) Waking Up on the Wrong Side of The Universe: This only got interesting after the "A door opened..." Though the first line could be a hook, the second and third sentences were too comedic to have the intensity assigned to the opening sentence. The first two sentences of the second paragraph stopped me. I though he was looking for a way to escape, and suddenly he's roaming freely.
3) A Lost Awakening: The first sentence was so poetic that it was distracting and I had to read it twice to know what was going on in it.The next two sentences follow the same style. The line: "The cold, steely floor burned to the touch as waking fever sent his body’s temperature skyrocketing." seemed inauthentic. Fevers generally make everything alse seem colder. If it had begun with "As he slowly opened his mucus-encrusted eyes and laid sight to the prison, Nick felt his soul plunge." I would have been hooked.
4) Exo-Skies: The second line seems to switch PoV: "It watched him for a moment with unblinking eyes; older than the previous one, its yellow skin hung in folds and the edges of its wing membranes were frayed." I had a problem with the cliche "restraint collar", and the "teeth" being in a beak.
5) Hatching a Plan: "Hey, Birdbrain!" - made me literally shake my head. Not only is "birdbrain" cliche, it's archaic. (Straight out of a Comics Code, 60s "Robin"'s mouth: "Holy Birdbrain, Batman!") From then on, I read it as a spoof. And "...flying monkeys in some old nameless movie." is an avoidance of what we all know. Just say The Wizard of Oz, you won't get sued.
6) A Nice, Quiet Retirement: (You should be spanked for that title.) And--as if to prove my point about cliche: "'Hey, Doctor Bird Brain!'" I'm not sure what the harpy was doing at the keyboard, but it certainly wasn't pecking. But, maybe : "The dope in his food and water was starting to clear his system..." could explain some of it.
7) The Alien's Daughter: My first problem was: "They didn't come, and he began to relax, gripping the examination table to stay upright." I couldn't relax on an alien's examination table. (and that screams cliche.) After that, I was lost.
8) Blows to the Head: On Fatherhood: The opening line makes itself inauthentic. If he had so many blows to the head that he's simple, would he be reflecting on that? The second sentence seems like two separate thoughts join by a comma and an "and". There was only one person in the wide universe that could make him unpredictable. Huh? Who? How? And : Right now, he had no idea where his daughter was This disjointed effect just seems to snowball.
9) Resurrecting the Storm: The title is fitting for the thirteen, but seems shallow if it's alluded to at the beginning of the story. I'm torn on the second paragraph. Though I see the validity of its build up, not only doesn't it ring true for boxing as much as wrestling, but I think it could be shortened and have more impact.
10) The Birds and Beings: (Blah title.) "Ten paces wide and six across, Nick..." is a valid complaint. Worse, this opening is better off wihtout it. Nick should fling himself at the bars, as the opening line. Opening line aside, this has my vote for #1.
11) Unusual Punishment to the Face: (This has my vote for title. It elicited a laugh, which marks it as the only title to really afect me at all. And it seems to allude to boxing--as an afterthought--too.) The opening dream/flashback gave me pause, and I stumbled all over the sudden switch to slapstick.
12) The Everlast Man: The first five sentences felt like info-dump. It's unclear what's happening to him, and the last two senteces seem thrown in. Also, it seems he knows who/what "they" are, but I don't.
13) The Blood Wars: (A bit cliche of a title, almost like "all-purpose genre title".) "Cheenta"--which, I take it is the correct spelling--is misspelled the first time it's used. I can't see how a cocoon could dain blood. The extra sense (smell) is well conceived, but used in abiguity. What does oily smell like?
14) Horses Can’t Swim In Space: (Title has Douglas Adams written all over it.) Unfortunately, in trying so hard for laughs, it falls a little flat. It seems like an attempt at writing an Adams story.
Title: Unjusual Punishment to the Face
#1 Pick - The Birds and Beings #2 Pick - Resurrecting the Storm #3 Pick - The Everlast Man
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 12, 2008).]
posted
Best Title: Waking Up on the Wrong Side of The Universe
1st pick: 9: Resurrecting the Storm 2nd pick: 12: The Everlast Man 3rd pick: 7: The Alien's Daughter
Intro 1: Title: Why I Hate Cherries Seems like it would be a different (or much longer) story than suggested by the synopsis, but it would be a story I want to read. Well written (although would benefit from proofreading!), and I get a sense of Nick’s character. The hook is there – I’m interested to find out what happens to these people.
Intro 2: Title:Waking Up on the Wrong Side of The Universe Good ideas and a good setting, but suffers from excess wordiness and awkward sentences. Could be improved with heavy-duting editing to make it more concise and readable. That would give you more room to show us Nick’s feelings and make us care about him.
Intro 3: Title: A Lost Awakening Atmospheric, but the heavy description makes it move too slowly. The whole 13 lines is taken up by a description of him awakening. That act alone is not too dramatic. I’d me much more interested to find out what happens to him after he wakes up.
Intro 4: Title: Exo-Skies Love the first two lines. The simple phrase “Nick screamed, his heart pounding” quickly gives us a clear idea of his state of mind. But the last line makes Nick look more confident than it feels he should be, given the situation described and his initial reaction. A good hook, but I’m not exactly sure why I’m not strongly hooked. Maybe it’s too intense?
Intro 5: Title: Hatching a Plan A POV shift in the 2nd paragraph. I love flying monkeys! I’m not strongly hooked because there’s no tension – and by tension, I don’t mean “serious drama”. You can have it light and comedic, but with some “edge” that makes you wonder what’s going to happen next. I don’t get that feeling here. The dialogue was a bit too cliche ("birdbrain", "polly want a cracker")
Intro 6: Title: A Nice, Quiet Retirement It’s unlikely Nick could read or understand an alien species’ language. That alone, for me, takes this into the “comic book” realm. I get the “comic book” comment a lot when people who don’t like fantasy read some of my fantasy stories. It bugs the hell out of me, but in many cases, I can see where their objection comes from. It’s something that’s just too unbelievable. This intro gave me that feeling. Apart from the use of "bird brain" (see above) I did like Nick’s dialogue – good intro to his character.
Intro 7: Title: The Alien's Daughter I liked this. Simple and to the point, and has potential. I like the “drawing out each syllable” – I bet even aliens have the conceit that anyone can understand their language if they just talk sloooower . I had to read the last line a couple of times. It was phrased awkwardly.
Intro 8: Title: Blows to the Head: On Fatherhood This suffers from the same problem my work is often afflicted with – too much tell, not enough show. You need to create more atmosphere – place, character, tension.
Intro 9: Title: Resurrecting the Storm The boxing metaphor works brilliantly and really sets this apart. In one paragraph, we know about and care about Nick. I find this similar to last week’s winner in that there are just enough of the right details omitted to create intrigue. Where is he? What’s happening to him? I’m now interested in him, and want to continue reading to find out.
Intro 10: Title: The Birds and Beings The first paragraph was strong and had me hooked, but I didn’t like the last paragraph. I’m not sure what “ambient rumble his hum created” means. Rather than telling us his thoughts were in chaos”, it would be preferable to show us the situation that caused his thoughts to be in chaos. I'm not getting that.
Intro 11: Title: Unusual Punishment to the Face This is so out there, I’m intrigued. I like wacky stuff, so I’d keep reading to find out what happens. BUT if it didn’t settle down into something more cohesive within another paragraph or two, I’d give up. It’s not easy walking the fine line between absurd and reasonable. The cliché of waking up from a dream is lost amongst the weirdness.
Intro 12: Title: The Everlast Man Great opening line. Good insight into the human aspects of sci-fi technology. I’m interested and want to read more of this. I think the artificiality of writing a “fake” 13-line opening can leads to introducing a contrived “cliff hanger” on Line 13. While the last two sentences here create a lot of tension, I wonder if this had been an actual story, whether revealing this information would’ve been better done more subtlety.
Intro 13: Title: The Blood Wars Again, I like the boxing metaphors. To me, it’s just enough out of the ordinary to make the character seem more interesting. Good use of the senses. In the last sentence, should that be “praying” instead of “playing”? And I’m trying and failing to picture a “muscular cocoon”.
Intro 13 Title: Horses Can’t Swim In Space I thought this was okay - I could see where you were going with it. A light-comedy story is perfectly fine, but you have to be careful it doesn’t get too dull. Great line about “didn’t remember this being in the brochure” – I love deadpan humour. More of that kind of thing, and less of “where little round men shouldn’t look” (this humour feels forced) would make this stronger.
posted
Just a reminder that voting closes in a couple of hours. So if you haven't voted yet, now would be the time. Posts: 159 | Registered: Feb 2008
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I’ve seen a lot of comments in the F&F about how the “waking up” beginning is a cliche to be avoided. I thought it would be interesting to have a situation where the character wakes up in peril, and see whether people “take the bait”, so to speak, and start with this or whether they could find some more creative approach. This group is certainly up for a challenge, because the responses showed a lot of creativity. Unfortunately, I had so much going on the past week, I wasn’t able to participate, but I learned a lot by reading the various approaches. Thanks!
Congratulations to this week’s Captain Hook, Tiergan for Resurrecting the Storm.
The top three this week:
Gold medal: Resurrecting the Storm, by Tiergan
Silver medal: The Everlast Man, by J
Bronze medal: Hatching a Plan, by Snapper
Best Title: a tie!
Waking up on the Wrong Side of the Universe, by Bent Tree
Resurrecting the Storm, by Tiergan
We had 17 people vote. Complete results (points awarded based on 3 for 1st pick, 2 for 2nd pick and 1 for 3rd pick):
code:
Points Title Votes 9 Resurrecting the Storm Tiergan 30 5 12 The Everlast Man J 22 1 5 Hatching a Plan Snapper 10 1 Why I Hate Cherries Grant John 9 1 10 The Birds and Beings sephina 7 11 Unusual Punishment to the Face JustInProse 6 1 14 Horses Can’t Swim In Space Grex42 5 3 3 A Lost Awakening Rhaythe 3 1 13 The Blood Wars Annepin 2 4 Exo-Skies Skadder 1 7 The Alien's Daughter Oblomova 1 2 Waking Up on the Wrong Side... Bent Tree 0 5 6 A Nice, Quiet Retirement kathyton 0 8 Blows to the Head: On Fatherhood Alliedfive 0
[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited April 13, 2008).]
posted
I guess I am back to being a stowaway, oh well :-) Congratulations to the winners.
I have to say (hopefully without offending anyone, as that is not my intent) by looking at the leader boards for the last two weeks, it is really anyone's game each week. I think that should be encouraging to everyone.
Hope to see you all in next weeks comp.
Grant
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited April 13, 2008).]
posted
JustInProse, reading your earlier comment about the Everlast Man, I was interested to note that you referred to the then-unknown author as "him." I am, in fact, a "him", but what made you assume the author was male?
Posts: 683 | Registered: Oct 2004
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Firstly, Anne and Kathyton had already voted, and I didn't think those others who I knew to be girls had either entered or not voted for it. The chances are it was a male over a female.
Secondly, the descriptions. I know that everyone here is learning to write from whichever race, gender, social status, etc. but writing still gives clues to who someone can be. The "gnarly, flattened knuckles" and "I'm used to pain" are more masculine things, although it was, of course, from a man's POV.
I abhore saying him/her repletively, so I most often say the gender that is most likely. I had been spending a while going over the intro, trying to figure out who's it was (thus the reason for the post).
I likewise find it oddly interesting that you picked up on my single gender use while describing the then unknown-author, even though you are a man. That is not to say men don't notice as often, but it is more noticable when the gender is not your own.
Sorry if I offened, I'm not good at being PC. (Some of you know this first hand by now).
posted
I thought about trying to change things up and try an angle that I know is frowned upon by this community. Obviously the waking cliché is more hated around here than I thought. Posts: 487 | Registered: Mar 2008
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From last to first, I like it, but I feel like the the rider in the yellow jacket in the Tour de France, I have something to live up to. Should probaly quit while I am the Captain, but what fun would that be.
I do have question though. 13 lines, if you seperate paragraphs by a line, does that blank line count as one?
posted
Jeff, are you going to add the winners and tally the scoreboard points for the roll of honour?
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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Is it our intention to keep a running total of points? I have the results in an Excel spreadsheet, so I just added the Week 2 and Week 3 points to come up with the current running totals. Because we've only got a couple of scores, its still relatively easy enough to keep track of. But as time goes on, and different people participate in each week's challenge, it may get more difficult to keep track of things.
I could forward my spreadsheet on to the next moderator, who can update it at the end of their Challenge, and then they can forward it to the next moderator. Is this reasonable, or is it too much work?
[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited April 15, 2008).]
posted
Sounds good to me. As long as the starting total is passed on to the next mod, it should be not that much trouble.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
The cumulative totals are the points in Bent Tree's week 2 summary plus the points for 1st, 2nd and 3rd votes for week 3. They do not include any points for title votes.
I saw title votes as kind of a separate category. You get a pat on the back for a good title, but what really counts is the 13 lines. But that's just me. I can change it if people want to include title votes.
By a show of hands, who wants a vote for best title to count as 1 point in your overall total???
Printer-friendly view of this topic
The next choice for me was boarding the ship. I thought it was too early. But yet entry 1) I Hate Cherries held it together with their prose., Good Job. And last starting with the rescue, I thought it would be too late, yet some still some found ways to make it work.
