It is said there are two kinds of people in this world. The first are the kind that live out their lives in a normal fashion until the day they die. The second are the kind that kill their sisters for defecting from a family run brothel. It occured to Harold that he was the latter. A sense of satisfaction poured over him as he watched the alligators quarrel for the last few scraps of his sister. He knew having an alligator pit installed in his basement would be a good idea. "Ha! It's exactly as old man Jother used to say , 'Never double cross a man with an alligator pit,'" he told the mounted bear head. The stuffed head nodded motionlessly in agreement. "That's what I like about you ol' pal, you always know what to say..." Armed with a variety of wicked ideas and a
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Harold stood in the hallway of the Dancing Falcon, a Hong Kong club for naked dancers. Next to him was his sister, a vampire turned lesbian. Or was it a lesbian turned vampire? He could never keep anything straight. No pun intended.
"Mary," Harold said. "Will you go back to ENgalnd with me, and quit all of this silly vampire business?"
"Yes," Mary said without hesitation. "Yes, I will." She did.
Arriving in London, their Zeppelin landed on top of Big Ben, "It looks like you're late," Ben seemed to be saying as they fell from the sky. Luckily they landed safely, but this narrator won't bore you with those boring details. But then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the strangest thing happened.
"Holy ****ing ****!" Harold said. "Holy, ****ing ****!"
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The wild look in Mary’s eyes confirmed what William already knew. He pressed his hand on her back. The pounding of her heart under his palm excited him.
Mary pushed gently on his chest. “It wouldn’t be prudent for a single woman as myself to be found alone with a man, Mr. Farthing.”
He could see her inhibitions crumbling. She tilted her head away, his eyes widen while he gazed at her exquisite neck. William moved in, placing his tongue under her ear. She groaned as he ran it down her neck, tracing her jugular. He could feel the blood pulse under his tongue.
“What harm is a little nibble?” He asked. He opened his mouth, exposing the elongated incisors. He grabbed her hair, yanked her head back, and sunk his teeth in.
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Harold tightened his grip. His knuckles turned white, the color draining from his flesh. A cross. The missionaries had given him a cross. He unclenched his fist and let the holy relic slide from his grasp, to hang, dangling by its chain.
“That will do you no good.”
Harold turned towards the voice. “You’re not a man of faith, George?”
The man took a gun from inside his jacket. “Lets just say, I place my faith elsewhere.” He checked the chamber for a load, then holstered it. “As should you.”
Harold watched his every move. “Why?”
“Because even if your life doesn’t depend upon it, your sister’s does. And, crosses only irritate the undead.”
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Harold Yeh leaned on the polished wooden rail and pulled a crinkled envelope from his jacket pocket. Beneath his feet, the steamship shuddered as it trudged towards its berth, exhausted after the month-long journey from London. Harold unfolded the letter and squinted in the fading light to read his sister's delicate handwriting. Though he had memorized every word by now, he still felt an itch at the edge of his consciousness as he read. Looking up, he watched the setting sun bathe the buildings clustered around the harbour with a blood red light. Harold turned the envelope over and read the return address yet again. He drew a deep breath. Despite the baking heat, he shivered as the heavy air slid down his throat.
A well-dressed man bumped into Draxter as he stepped towards the train. The man nodded apologetically, claiming to be someone named William. Draxter didn't give him a second thought, he was running late for the wedding.
Two hours later Draxter watched as Benis stepped outside the chapel into the crimson flare of the setting sun. His black tuxedo was crisp and his shoes gleamed with polish. At his side was his tender bride, drowning in brilliant white. The crowd clapped as they stepped towards their car, a black royce. Benis helped her climb inside and moved for the other door. Draxter watched his friends with a smile and some tears. Benis closed the door and started the engine.
The car exploded in a giant fireball. Draxter smiled.
I breathe in the air, and it’s poison. Sweet and seductive, clinging to your tongue; consuming the hope you cling to and drowning all protest in shadow. There was a day when I fought it, when I was certain that I would rather die than believe the beautiful lie. It is beyond the powers of the human mind to resist. In lonely isolation, the mind lies to itself -- and then, when they lie to you, you find you do not mind it so much.
This is the second time I have stood in this cell, deep underground. The drip of chilled water, the soft rustling of rats; they are my companions. They are far less vile than the horrors of my mind. My fanged masters let me free a little too soon, before. For a time, my vision was clouded by the illusion
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 01, 2008).]
Careful to court only the best omens, Harold stepped into the twilit streets of Hong Kong left foot first. The doors of the Hotel Anglaise swung closed behind him, the small porcelain bell tinkling as they thumped closed. Harold scanned the sky, looking first east, then west. Not a bird could be seen; another auspicious omen. Leading with his left foot again, he stepped down onto the narrow sidewalk and turned, heading towards the setting sun, and the sea, where he was expected.
Hong Kong spread out before him, gently sprawling to touch the fringes of the ocean. The tight warren of streets and mismatched buildings drew his eyes downhill until they found his destination. The Golden Pavilion glowed in the last light
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The makeshift cell smelled of stale air and unwashed bodies. Harry brushed his fingers across his sister's pale cheek. The slash of purple under each eye testified of past deprivation from the sleep she had fallen into so deeply. It hurt to see the shackles around her ankles and wrists but the memory of his beloved Mary trying to rip his throat out with her teeth consoled him to her bondage. George,her captor, was convinced of Mary's personal involved with the blood-sucking Prince of Darkness.
"This is the twenty-first century, not the Middle Ages." Harry had scoffed.
Harry stroked Mary's hair as he hummed a childhood lullaby. He pushed the hair back from her neck. A jolt shot through him as
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The young Eurasian man stumbled through the Golden Pavilion's doors, right on time. The boy smelled of sweat and sorrow. And, interestingly enough, rage. At a glance from William, the maitre d' led the boy to his table.
"Mr. Yeh, please sit." William indicated a chair. "This club serves the best Gin Rickey in Hong Kong."
Yeh glowered at William over tortoise-rimmed glasses, which slide down his nose.
"Or perhaps something more familiar? Whisky?" He turned to the waiter. "Glenlivit." The server bowed low, his long pigtail sweeping the floor.
"Mary," Yeh croaked at last.
"Realize this." William pulled a petal from the rose
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Harry Yeh took up his suitcase in one hand clutched his sister's letter in the other, and walked onto the dock. He tried to ignore the dismay gripping his heart--how was he ever going to find Mary in this chaos? Before he could get his bearings an old man popped out of the crowd and started jabbering away in Cantonese.
"Come again?" Harry replied in English.
"Where you go?"
Harry fumbled with the letter--his only lead to Mary's whereabouts. "An address in Chater Gardens. Do you know it?"
"Hongkong Club? No no, don't go there. Gwai lo live there."
Harry's jaw tensed. He'd heard that term in London, too. "Where I come from we call them English gentlemen."
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“That’s it, no more!” Crewmen pushed against the crowd queued for the last ship in the harbor.
Harry leaned into the wheeled chair and continued with his sister up the cleated gang board.
“We made it, sister,” he said. This near to her the smell of fresh turned earth was heavy, even over the smoke in the air. Mary drew her shawl tighter about her.
“Hurry up then, you,” someone cursed behind Harry. Rough hands shoved him and Mary upwards and on to the deck. Nervous faces greeted them between flashes of running sailors.
A weak ray of sunlight broke through the black shroud of smoke above the burning city. Mary shuddered.
“Let’s get you below decks, sister. You seem to have a chill.”
Mary Wan-Li felt unsure of her footing in the moonless night, but William held her hand, maneuvering her effortlessly through the rocky path up Victoria Peak. She could see nothing in the black, but the sweet scent of jasmine was a signpost that William's home was near. With each step forward, the perfume thickened, weighing heavy in her lungs.
"Are you sure?" William said, while squeezing her hand.
Living as an outcast was all that she knew. In the eyes of the Hong Kong residents, she wasn't considered Chinese or British. Becoming a vampire was logical. She would finally fit in a world, but more importantly, her transformation was the right thing to do. She would save lives. So why did her words cling to her throat, like a strange viscous substance?
Harold sat in the fireplace. He liked the way the heat felt against his skin, and the padding of the red plastic chair felt nice against his rump. It was a relaxing way to sit. Too relaxing...
"Something's not right here," he said to himself. The chair wobbled as it continued melting. The hot oozing plastic hurt, it hurt bad. "Ohhh that's the stuff!" He said.
He looked down again at the letter his sister had sent him. Tossing it into the fireplace, which, it was already in. "If I had this to do all over again," he said introspectively, "I probably would have read it before I got in the fireplace."
And then the most crazy ass thing in the world happened.
The puncture wounds my fangs left on the side of Mary Wan-Li's slender neck glistened in the lamplight from the desk. Her raven hair fell in a silken curtain over her left shoulder. She tilted her head and leaned on her left elbow as she wrote. The taste of her blood still fresh on my tongue, I glided up behind her and slid my hands over her shoulders. She set the pen down and turned her head to look up at me. Her smile was gorgeous. Not only was she the perfect addition to my harem, but if I could bring her brother into the fold, I'd have the perfect means to smuggle heroin into London.
I kissed Mary lightly on her wound. Her scent was intoxicating. I whispered, "Write your letter, my sweet."
If you don't see your entry here email me ASAP! I think I got every one...
I edited format only to bold titles and crop to the proper length, where needed. Kathleen, I apologize in advance for any improperly cropped entries. I use Firefox and sometimes, try as I might, I can't seem to get the proper length, even accounting for the extra line. Any censoring is Hatrack's.
Okay, good luck to all!
And handing off the moderator's whip... IB, it's all you, baby.
This is the end of the story. Maybe the author plans a flashback for the rest of the piece, but I hate being told the ending. Not hooked, sorry.
Entry 2 HOLY ****ING ****
This is an entire story, not just the first 13 lines. Even with the censor, it isn’t hard figuring out the title. I don’t like it at all. Not hooked.
Entry 3 Blood Ties
Not entirely sure what was going on. This appears more sexual than horror. As far as the hook ????
Entry 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water
Loved the title, liked the prose even more. The dialog hooks me. However, this reads like the second or third page and not the first 13.
Entry 5 Hong Kong Club
Good title. Extra points because it reads like a true first 13 lines for this synopsis. It didn’t excite me, however. Did it hook me ?????
Entry 6 Harold's Hitlist
Interesting. I don’t remember a Draxter or a Benis in the synopsis. The last sentence Draxter smiled took any hook that had me away.
Entry 7 Tears of Shadow
Nice title. I wish I knew who was narrating. I wanted to rearrange some of the wording but I must confess, I liked it. Hooked.
Entry 8 The Empress of Hong Kong
Great title. Nice scene setting. It’s taking a little long to reel me in though. Am I hooked? Yes but not by much.
Entry 9 Step into Outer Darkness
Decent title and I liked the scene. Minus points for placing this in the wrong century. I’m hooked.
Entry 10 Pawn Checks King
Great title, I love clever chess ones, especially when they’re relevant to the story line. I wish it didn’t get chopped, I wanted to see what William had to say. I am hooked.
Entry 11 Like a Veil Barely Seen
Nice prose, interesting start. I’m hooked enough to read on.
Entry 12 “You’re Safe Now, Mary”
Like some of the others, this one appears to be in the center of the story, halfway mark or further. As it is, the sunlight on her sister intrigued me but it didn’t quite hook me.
Entry 13 Blood Caste
Good title and nice prose. It looks like the author did a little research on Hong Kong as well. The last part like a strange viscous substance, blew it for me. It lost the hook you had for me.
Entry 14 Changing His Plans
This was odd. I think the author went for humor but it didn’t work for me.
Entry 15 A Taste of Hong Kong
Very good title, it has a nice double meaning. The prose was good and the opening fine but it wasn’t good enough for my top three.
My choices…
Best Title Entry 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water
First Entry 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water
Second Entry 7 Tears of Shadow
Third Entry 10 Pawn Checks King
Excellent job by Annepin this week. Great job by everyone else.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited May 01, 2008).]
posted
A late entry... this person might appreciate comments, even if he or she isn't in the voting.
Untitled
After memorizing the return address, Harold Yeh placed his sister’s letter in his breast pocket, stepped off the train, and into Tsim Sha Tsui terminal. The sun had set hours ago, yet the urban streets of Kowloon were bustling with travelers, merchants, and reckless youth. Harold pulled open a map of the city. He had to find her.
He saw that he was only a couple of blocks from her apartment and began to fold the map. He weaved through the crowd and was nearly knocked down by a passerby. He glared back at his perpetrator, and was greeted with a smile. The moonlight glistened off his teeth, revealing fangs, sharp enough to tear flesh. Harold blinked just as the man wheeled his cloak around and continued down the street.
posted
Another good week.... this will be harder to gauge between different people's writing than last week, since last week was more obviously humorous and this weeks is a lot more open to interpretation. That being said....
1. I find fratricide (or sororicide, in this particular case) to be generally unpalatable, particularly in the callous way this one is dealt with. You lost me before I finished digesting the first thirteen.
2. I think you might have been in a bit of a confused state - this goal this week wasn't to imagine Harold and Kumar Visit Turn-of-the-Century Hong Kong to Rescue a Vamipre, much as this thirteen would argue to the opposite. That being said, there is nothing here that would make me care to read further.
3. I'm a bit confused by the stage-direction going in here. She's facing away from him, but pushed against his chest? It's a little too overtly erotic for an opening, in my opinion. Between the eroticism and the confusion, I'm kind of turned off (which likely wasn't the response you were hoping to elicit).
4. This is good, and I'd probably read further. The prose is solid and clear, the dialogue active and engaging. The only problem I'm having is, having read the outline, I thought this was a situation that had a lot more subtlety in it, rather than the straight-forward Van Helsing approach you've taken. That's all style though, and this is good.
5. A little too much describing going on here for me. It feels like every object has an associated adjective, like "exhausted steamship", "baking heat", "crinkled envelope", and "delicate handwriting".
6. I keep reading Hitler in the title. Must just be my wonky eyes. That said, I feel like this isn't even close to the same story we were outlined. It is reasonably successful at what it attempts to do (create a James Bond-esque feel) but, as the goal of this weeks challenge isn't but passingly mentioned, I think it fails to meet the criteria of success.
7. This is strong writing - the strongest yet in this weeks competition. The voice is strong (though the identity of the speaker is somewhat needlessly withheld) and the images stark and powerful. However, I don't know that this is how to start this story. Once I'm into your story, once I've bought into a page or two you can take me on flights of semi-poetic prose, but to open with it feels almost like too much of a shock, like a bare leap into frigid waters. Some few will continue to swim. Many will either balk at the sight of it, or hop out as quick as they hopped in. Still, I like it.
8. I think here we've finally gotten the best look at Harold's character so far, and he seems at once more quirky and more interesting than I'd expect. Still, there's not much going on here. I think things will pick up in the next 13-26 lines, though, so I'd probably keep reading.
9. There seems to be a logic flaw here: if he's recalling a moment where she almost ripped his throat out, why is he so calmly remaining close to her. If I was Harry, I'd be keeping my distance and regretting what happened to my sister form across the room. Still, a solid entry - I'd read on.
10. I feel an awful lot like Mr. Yeh - my patience with the pompous William has grown short. Something feels contrives about the dialogue too, and I feel like I should be watching this on TV or in a movie. Plus, I know nothing about anything at this point in the story, so I think I'd skip this.
11. Here is this weeks winner. Harry's dialogue doesn't sound english enough to me, and the idea of the old man popping in and out of the crowd reminds me of whack-a-mole, but this first thirteen has two very solid hooks: Harry's sister; and, the Hong Kong Club. I not only would read on, but I currently want to read on. Bravo.
12. After reading number eleven, this simply bores me. I'm sorry. We seem to have missed all of the interesting happenings in Hong Kong - why not start back there? The writing is solid enough, but the story it's telling... *yawn*
13. The first paragraph feels over-written, and the third a bit of an info-dump, and telling to boot. Not terrible, but not terribly exciting either.
14. I don't think this piece deserves a serious critique, since it was not written in any seriousness itself. In my opinion.
15. A little too much telling here, and a little too much describing. The prose is well done, and the describing is somewhat skillfully handled, but the whole first paragraph feels contrived, like it was constructed to contain exactly the hook that the author intended the reader to get, and he wanted to make sure that no one missed it so he told us what it is. Sorry... in a week with other strong contenders, this just doesn't cut it.
My votes...
First - Entry 11: Like a Veil Barely Seen Second - Entry 7: Tears of Shadow Third - Entry 4: Blood is Thicker than Holy Water
Title - Like a Veil Barely Seen. It's emotive, evocative of asian decadence and the mysteries of the far east, and subtle enough to contain a plethora of meaning.
Good work everyone, and you too annepin for moderating this week.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited May 01, 2008).]
First Pick: Entry 8 - The Empress of Hong Kong Second Pick: Entry 13 - Blood Caste Third Pick: Entry 7 - Tears of Shadow
Best Title: Entry 15 - A Taste of Hong Kong
Entry 1 Advice from Jother Hmmmm… could be a farce, except it’s not funny. Over-the-top is fine if it’s bizarrely creepy or humorous. This is neither.
Entry 2 HOLY ****ING **** Silly
Entry 3 Blood Ties Well, it’s clearly a vampire story, isn’t it? I might prefer more of an introduction, character development, setting etc. before we get to the blood sucking. But the writing is good.
Entry 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water I like it. Simple and effective. But it feels like it starts too late in the synopsis. You’re going to have to provide a lot of flashbacks to tell us who these characters are and what they’re doing in this place together.
Entry 5 Hong Kong Club Atmospheric, but would benefit from more ‘story’.
Entry 6 Harold's Hitlist It’s good. It’s hooky. It’s well written. But the purpose of this exercise is to write an opening based on the synopsis. This feels like a whole 'nother story.
Entry 7 Tears of Shadow Poetic. There’s a hook and I am interested in continuing. But I would hope that once the ‘action’ started, it would become a little less poetic. A whole story in this style can become exhausting.
Entry 8 The Empress of Hong Kong Solid. Develops a real sense of place and time, and builds anticipation well (i.e. hook).
Entry 9 Step into Outer Darkness Good, but doesn’t grab me. Isn’t 1921 in the 20th century?
Entry 10 Pawn Checks King Not crazy about the word ‘Eurasian’. The POV is unclear and the slow pacing doesn’t establish a solid hook.
Entry 11 Like a Veil Barely Seen Good. A little old Chinese man feels a bit cliché. But it flows well and does establish a hook.
Entry 12 “You’re Safe Now, Mary” It’s supposed to be the FIRST 13 lines, not the LAST 13. This is the end of a story.
Entry 13 Blood Caste Good and hooky. But I would actually prefer that you didn’t reveal Mary is a vampire this early in the story. Build a little more anticipation/tension first.
Entry 14 Changing His Plans Feels like an attempt to create a ‘bad’ story. Like #1, this might be a farce, but it’s not funny enough.
Entry 15 A Taste of Hong Kong Like #3, there’s no question we’re in for a vampire story. But there’s the hint of more story going on behind the vampire stuff. Good hook.
posted
I think the key word in that rule is start.
After reading the outline, you decide at which point the story should begin.
In order to compare and judge the entries side-by-side, we have to assume they all purport to do the same thing: i.e. open the story. The point at which you choose to start is itself almost as much of a hook as what you write.
posted
Voting is a very difficult task! I had four I liked almost equally well.
#1 Entry 8 #2 Entry 11 #3 Entry 4 Favorite title # 11 Like a Veil Barely Seen
entry 1 --Nice sense of scene and I liked the initial voice. Opening shocking, then silly, but MC's problem unclear. Where's the conflict?
entry 2 -- Wacky vamp story. Sounds fun, but . . . no hook for me.
entry 3 -- Pretty hot, but doesn't feel like an opening. Who are these people? Why should we enter into this intimate moment? No problem for MC or conflict.
entry 4 -- Open focused on iconic object -- the crucifix. Dialogue good. Presents problem. Characters conflict over ways to deal with vamps. Good one.
entry 5 -- nice description and atmosphere. The letter is intriguing. I might read on -- his long trip and obsessive reading of the letter imply a serious concern.
entry 6 -- Good descriptions, but I'm confused as to their identity, relationships, and what's going on. No conflict.
entry 7 -- Second paragraph has concrete description and good detail. The first paragraph, I don't understand at all. The antecendant of "it" is "air", as best I can tell. The MC has a problem-- captivity -- I might read on.
entry 8 -- The superstition is a wonderful characterization. Subtle indications that Harold has an important mission. I'd definitely read on.
entry 9 -- Sensory detail effective. Establishes a character we want to root for, and his problem. This feels too intense, though, for an opening. I might read on.
entry 11 -- sucessful at getting us into the action and identifying with the MC. His problem is obvious, and we wonder how he'll solve it. A small point -- "jabbering" makes Harry seem culturally insensitive, and maybe he is, but this doesn't add to our sympathy for him. I'd read on.
entry 12 -- Really like the super-close-3rd POV. Sense of smell used effectively. I'd read on.
entry 13 -- Good prose and description. Compelling problem presented and a hint of conflict. doesn't feel like the beginnng, though. I'd probably read on.
entry 14. Speaking of crazy . . . Odd situation, well described. But, no problem, no conflict.
entry 15. Sets up the MC goals and plans well. A little "over described" -- Will the reader identify with this MC?
quote: Message I think the key word in that rule is start.
After reading the outline, you decide at which point the story should begin.
In order to compare and judge the entries side-by-side, we have to assume they all purport to do the same thing: i.e. open the story. The point at which you choose to start is itself almost as much of a hook as what you write.
Rule 1: "Start anywhere in the story you like." Keyword being anywhere- Beginning, middle, or end. Rule 4: "Ensure it is only 13 lines." It does not specify "first 13"
I'd appreciate it if future competitions clarify this- its frustrating to have my entry dismissed offhand after having waiting for feedback.
Sorry about the confusion. Yes, the 13 lines challenge is actually "the first 13 line challenge", with each writer choosing his/her starting point in the synopsis. With that said, a person could write a flash piece detailing the death of a vampire as their starting point. And thats what makes judging so hard-do you judge on the merit of the 13 alone, or, who interpeted the synopsis the best, or a combination of both.
Anyways, I hope this doesn't stop you from coming weeks challenges. We like all the participation we can get.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited May 02, 2008).]
posted
Indeed, Mrmccoy, I, too, apologize for the confusion. We should edit our instructions to make that clear. The contest sort of emerged with a group of us, and so we were all clear on what the instructions were. We didn't quite stop to think how they might be interpreted by people not part of the generation process.
posted
Entry 1) Was a little baffled by the ‘nodded motionlessly’. Definitely achieved the feeling of menace.
Entry 2) Had the feeling someone was thumbing their nose at us.
Entry 3) Pretty standard Vampire seduction.
Entry 4) I thought the first line of dialogue was a little weak. I love the last line very snappy.
Entry 5) Very much scene setting.
Entry 6) I was confused by why a casual brush with someone would illicit an intro. Could probably leave off the first paragraph and start at the explosion. From the title we assume Harold is somehow responsible maybe we could get a clue of how.
Entry 7) Changed out of first person mid sentence kind of threw me.
Entry 8) Not much happening here but Harold stepping out on to the street. Liked the idea of the omens.
Entry 9) Flash back dialogue pulled me out of the story could have left that out.
Entry 10) I can feel Yen’s angst and William’s cool hauteur.
Entry 11) Good dialogue. Sets up tension well.
Entry 12) Interesting place to begin. It set me wondering if those people on the boat were doomed with Mary on board.
Entry 13) Feeling her conflict.
Entry 14) Okay let me guess he wakes up from his dream, his apartment is on fire and his polyester pajamas are melting to his back end.
Entry 15) Very seductive, good set up. Would read on.
Late Entry) Sorry the last line was a little cheesy.
Here’s my votes: Title: Like a Veil Barely Seen
1st – Entry 10 - Pawn Checks King 2nd – Entry 12 – You’re Safe Now, Mary 3rd – Entry 15 – A Taste of Hong Kong
posted
Interesting group here. I deliberately left the characters ambiguous to be up to the writer's interpretation. I like the mix of motives people came up with.
Entry 1 I like the twist in making Harry the bad guy. However, I'm not sure I would read this story--he's just a bit too evil for me.
Entry 2 Hm... not sure what to make of this one. I'm not sure what's going on.
Entry 3 Very sensual. Maybe a bit too sensual for the opening of a story--kind of like starting with too much action for me. I'm not ready to get immersed in it until I know the characters better. The line "What harm is a little nibble?" broke the moment for me. A bit too cheesy.
Entry 4 Nice, active opening, highly emotionally charged. I like the dialogue and the scene quite a bit. However, it seems to me it's starting too late.
Entry 5 I like this opening. Very clean and smooth. Very well constructed.
Entry 6 I'm a bit confused. I'm not sure who these people are. An intriguing opening, but maybe not for this story?
Entry 7 Poetic and lyrical, but a bit too abstract for my taste. I'd like it to get a little more grounded in fact--who what when where why--sooner.
Entry 8 The voice is bit distant for my taste. I think it could dig just a little bit deeper into Harry's head. However, I like this take on him.
Entry 9 Nice touching moment with brother and sister. I felt it started too late--hence the need to sort of dump the info about George thinking her involved with the Prince of Darkness. That bit didn't quite work for me--I'd rather see information like that woven more subtly.
Entry 10 "Eurasian" really stands out here and works against the mood. I wasn't sure if he was saying "realize this" as in realize this rose petal, or if he were going to continue. I think proper punctuation could make it clear. Also, I like the scene, except I'm not rooted in any of the characters yet. Maybe starting too late?
Entry 11 The old man is a bit cliche. Harry seems like a complex fellow--I like that he's ill at ease with his surroundings. Feels rushed, though.
Entry 12 It's decently written. I think there's potential here for a good story, but I think it starts way too late for this one.
Entry 13 I like this--I like that Mary has her own odd motives for wanting to become a vamp. The last paragraph doesn't quite work for me--it puled me out of the story, esp the part about how being a vampire was logical.
Entry 14 Not sure where this is going... an odd beginning. Seems more sci fi than anything else.
Entry 15 I liked this--well written, interesting perspective. But I felt William to be a bit too predictable. This is how I'd expect a vamp to be. If he's going to be your MC, or even if he's not, I think you have to give him a twist or two.
Late entry It's not clear he has to find "her" as in his sister. It's definitely a solid piece. But why are they wearing cloaks? Not too common for this era.
My vote:
First place: Entry 13 Blood Caste Second place: Entry 5 Hong Kong Club Third place: Entry 8 The Empress of Hong Kong
Interesting that while the synopsis is pointing to either the vampires or George as the ultimate evil, this writer chooses to make both look tame by elevating Harold to a pinnacle of wickedness only surpassed by his mentor, Jother. While I have some curiosity about an old man who dispensed such bizarre advice as “never double cross a man with an alligator pit,” I can only suspect that this story will lead to more unsavory scenes. I’m not hooked—I’m repulsed.
Entry 2:
This entry shows a lively disdain for the theme and one can only wonder why the writer choose to enter at all. Not only is there no “hook,” the writer is not fishing nor any where near water.
Entry 3:
The writing is good here, but too much in the romantic vein (no pun intended) for me personally. I could see where it would have appeal for others, however.
Entry 4:
This felt like being plunged into the middle of the story rather than at the beginning. It has the enticing promise of good old fashion action. I would read more, although I admit I’d like to see Harold irritating the undead with his cross more than George plugging them with bullets. Good dialogue and a respect for the theme. Catchy play on words in the title.
Entry 5:
Not bad writing but it feels too slow and wordy for the theme. “…the heavy air slid down his throat” didn’t work for me. Or maybe it did as I kind of felt like I was suffocating, so hook? No. But the writer has talent.
Entry 6:
This is another entry with barely a hint of relation to the theme, and pungent with maniacal villany. Hooked? No. I have no reason to read further. Author shows talent, but is not using his (it couldn’t possibly be a she, could it?) powers for good.
Entry 7:
Many of these entries show a real flare for writing. This author has a nice way with words, pulling the reader in. But alas, it’s not enough for me. It feels rather depressing—I would need some hope to read on.
Entry 8:
Harold being expected at the sea at twilight is not a hook for me. The reference to omens is mildly intriguing. And while not blatantly flippant towards the theme, as other entries, apart from the character’s name and the setting, it does nothing to introduce it.
Entry 9:
I have a bit of trouble with this one. The wording is awkward and the writing doesn’t flow well. However, I liked the image of Harold stroking Mary’s hair and humming a childhood lullaby. I can only say I am hooked because I wonder what other gems the writer may let fall.
Entry 10:
Promising characters. I’d read more because I’d want to find out more about a man who could smell emotions, apparently commands some respect or power, and is very self composed. Pulling the petal from a rose is a nice touch indicating menace.
Entry 11:
This is not bad, but I would suggest the author indicate that Harry believes Mary is in some danger and that it is urgent he find her. Still, it held my interest until he tells us that “gwai lo” are English gentlemen. Almost, but not quite, a hook.
Entry 12:
No hooks here. The fact that the city is burning—an alarming event—is lost in the mild action of Harry getting his ailing sister aboard. Barely a suggestion of the theme, with Mary shuddering at the weak ray of sunlight.
Entry 13:
While I understand the importance of introducing the theme, “Becoming a vampire was logical” was much too blunt. For me, Mary comes off as a naïve simpleton. (Not my favorite type of heroine.)
Entry 14:
I fear for the author’s state of mind.
Entry 15:
This is another one that might have appeal for others but not for me. It’s written well enough, sensuous, but doesn’t promise much more than that
Best Title Entry 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water
First Entry 10 Pawn Checks King Second Entry 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water Third Entry 9 Step Into Outer Darkness
posted
This might not be the best place to post this information, but . . . For all us newbies who've found our entries inexplicably trimmed: When composing my entry, I took out paragraph breaks to jam as much type into the little post box as possible. After I had a full box of type, I broke the story intro into paragraphs. This is the wrong way to measure your space. I think moderator counts lines as they appear in the post or entry. So, a dialogue heavy piece will have fewer words than exposition. This is my hypothesis anyway.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
Full instructions on how to make sure it's only 13 lines are available here.
I apologize to anyone who feels their entries have been unfairly cropped. I did my best to ensure everyone fit the same number of lines according to my browser. As you can see, I wasn't correct all the time, as KDW had to crop quite a few more. My feeling is that it's an imperfect science, but as long as the same rules are applied consistently, I'm not sure how much it matters.
In the future I might just post them as I get them, and let KDW crop as needed. It seems like extra work for her that I was trying to avoid, but it would absolve the moderator from any blame.
posted
No unfairness meant to be implied (how's that for passive voice?) -- I think everyone just wants to understand the system, so they can edit themselves correctly.
Posts: 195 | Registered: Feb 2008
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2. Reads like cliffs notes for a whole story, rather than an intro.
3. Somewhat erotic, but doesn't tell me anything about the people beyond the superficial/sexual.
4. Good. I would drop the first sentence, and start with "Harold's knuckles (were turning) white" because it's more interesting. A rule I try to follow is to never end the first sentence of a short story without saying something that wouldn't happen within the average person's day.
5. Well enough written, but for some reason doesn't have me.
6. Time-lapse in the beginning of a story doesn't work for me.
8. I love it.
9. Grammar/Spelling/word use errors obscure what might otherwise be pretty decent. You sortof throw the reader into the dialog, it doesn't quite flow from the first paragraph.
10. Solid, but some awkward word choices.
11. Decent. Not good as a beginning; feels like it's later in the story. Doesn't tell me enough about the characters.
12. If it's the end or near it, it's ok, though a little rough around the edges. Not a good beginning.
13. Good. You have me.
14. Too strange and too illogical.
15. Doesn't tell me anything about the characters that's not superficial. Not a good beginning.
posted
First Pick: Tears of Shadow Second Pick: The Empress of Hong Kong Third Pick: Hong Kong Club
Best title: Blood Ties
------ Comments -------
Entry 1. Mounted bear heads that agree with the MC is a creative bit of writing. Solid writing, but to morbid to hook my attention.
Entry 2. Traveling in the Zeppelin was the highlight of this entry. If this were to be expanded into a full length piece, it would benefit from some “build up” before launching into the comedic atmosphere.
Entry 3. Nice use of description in the physical contact between characters. Would benefit from at least a hint of their surroundings.
Entry 4. Clever title which matches tone of entry. Nice dialog. Would also benefit from some description of surroundings.
Entry 5. Entry effectively uses description to transport reader to scene and foreshadow interesting events ahead.
Entry 6. Nice description and sense of dynamic setting. Giving William’s name was distracting and added nothing to the scene. Rather than using Benis’ name, given we don’t know who he is, is less effective that saying “the groom”.
Entry 7. Nice description and effective use of first person POV. Effectively hooked.
Entry 8. Great description and interesting quirky MC.
Entry 9. Good physical description and immediacy. The sentence beginning: “George, her captor” is disruptive to the flow.
Entry 10. Nice title and smooth dialog that would keep me reading a bit more to see where it was headed.
Entry 11. Would benefit from telling the location prior to the old man appearing from the crowd. With a little work the first paragraph would reach its potential as a vibrant hook.
Entry 12. An ending of the story--would need to rewritten to hook readers.
Entry 13. Good atmosphere. Consider naming the “strange viscous substance”, instead of using “like a.” A swollen slug… or bloated maggot comes to mind.
Entry 14. Twisted and interesting. I’d keep reading to see where it was headed. Entry 15. Nice title. The information regarding the plans to smuggle drugs comes in to quickly. It would benefit from insinuation rather that being stated out right.
posted
I'm going to extend the voting until Wednesday morning to allow time for more folks to vote.(Sorry IB, I know this infringes on the next section but I don't want to have to disqualify anyone).
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Sorry that I didn’t vote sooner. I was hesitant because I didn’t see new members voting.
Best title: Like a Veil Barely Seen 1st Hong Kong Club 2nd Like a Veil Barely Seen 3rd A Taste of Hong Kong
Entry 1 Advice from Jother I would have liked a little more of the story before getting to this point.
Entry 2 HOLY ****ING **** I was wondering why she gave in so easily.
Entry 3 Blood Ties It was very descriptive, but I had a hard time with the dialogue.
Entry 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water I would read on, but I wondered what kind of gun would kill the undead.
Entry 5 Hong Kong Club I really liked the description and I like that we can see Harold’s concern for his sister.
Entry 6 Harold's Hitlist I’m not sure that a man would take the time to mention his name if he simply bumps into another man at the train station. I would like to have seen the exchange between William and Draxter, if it’s important to the story.
Entry 7 Tears of Shadow I would like to have seen the second paragraph come first and I could almost see the first paragraph later in the story, after I knew more about the character.
Entry 8 The Empress of Hong Kong I was interested in Harold’s quirks.
Entry 9 Step into Outer Darkness I was interested, but I had to read some of the sentences twice.
Entry 10 Pawn Checks King I like the use of scent. I would read on.
Entry 11 Like a Veil Barely Seen I like that Harry’s mission and his feelings are clear from the beginning.
Entry 12 “You’re Safe Now, Mary” I would read on, but I wanted Harold to call Mary, by her name. (I’m not sure why calling her “sister”, doesn’t appeal to me. I guess it’s a personal thing)
Entry 13 Blood Caste Maybe her feeling or logic about becoming a vampire could have been shown at a later time instead of being told so directly.
Entry 14 Changing His Plans I’m not sure what’s going on.
Entry 15 A Taste of Hong Kong I’m interested in the story.
posted
Yay! And voting is closed, ladies and gents! First off, congrats to all of you. Thanks for participating. It was great fun seeing what you did with my synopsis.
Non-voters must now walk the plank: SaucyJim, Casey, Doctor, and Ender.
So here goes:
Two entries share first place with 11 votes: No. 8 The Empress of Hong Kong by Wolfe_boy No. 13 Blood Caste by AnnaN
Arrr!
Second goes to Like a Veil Barely Seen by me with 10 votes. (I swear I had nothing to do with the last vote!)
Third place goes to kathyton's Pawn Checks King with 9 votes.
Best title with four votes: Entry 11 Like a Veil Barely Seen by yours truly.
Three folks tied for runner-up best titles: No. 3 Blood Ties by Snapper No. 4 Blood is Thicker than Holy Water by Tiergan No. 13 Blood Caste by AnnaN
The rundown: 1. SaucyJim Advice from Jother 2. Casey HOLY ****ING **** 3. Snapper Blood Ties 2 title votes 4. Tiergan Blood is Thicker than Holy Water 2 title, 7 total 5. Jeff M Hong Kong Club 6 total 6. Doctor Harold]s Hitlist 7. Rheniel Tears of Shadow 8 total 8. Wolfe_boy The Empress of Hong Kong 11 total 9. sephina A Step into Outer Darkness 1 total 10. kathyton Pawn Checks King 9 total 11. annepin Like a Veil Barely Seen 4 title votes, 10 total 12. mrmccoy "You're Safe Now, Mary" 5 total 13. AnnaN Blood Caste 2 title, 11 total 14. Ender Changing his Plans 15. Inarticulate Babbler A Taste of Hong Kong 1 title vote, 3 total
And oh boy do I hope I got the totals right! I added it up, like, four times before I got the same numbers.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 07, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 07, 2008).]
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(how's that for passive voice?) -- I think everyone just wants to understand the system, so they can edit themselves correctly.
