posted
Ok, here they are, although long over due. I only have a few so far, and I'm accepting until late thursday night (or possibly friday morning if I don't get up very early).
The scraping sounded like claws, now moving closer. Kevin reached under his bed and withdrew his sword. He traced the cold edge, feeling warm droplets slide down his hand.
Something rapped against the door. He steadied himself. A moment later wind brushed him and the door slammed into the wall. He took his stance as whatever-it-was charged toward him, a monster?
Now! He threw himself into his swing, slicing easily until he struck bone.
"Ouch, dammit! What are you doing!" It was the wizard Merzin.
"Oh, sorry," Kevin said, "I thought you were a monster." His excuse sounded lame, even to him. "Well, I am blind you know," he added hastily. Then asked "Where'd I get you?"
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 15, 2008).]
Three days before the end of the world the beasts had come. Kevin would never forget the fine details of that day, despite being deaf, mute, and blind. He recalled the vibrations as tens of thousands were killed and scattered. He was so tuned into his physical world through touch that he barely missed the other senses. And when touch could not guide him, his nose could. He'd spent years mastering the scents of left and right, forward and backward, male and female, breakfast and dinner, etc.
But now he'd awoken where his powers could not help him. A motionless, anti-physical, scentless void where he was trapped. And only one person knew how to escape the magical vortex. And it wasn't Kevin. It was you. Will you help him?
[This message has been edited by JustInProse (edited May 15, 2008).]
Only seventeen years. Kevin had never imagined Mara would come looking for him so soon. He kept his door shut tight against the shrieks of the hounds. Bad enough that he would be blind…and OLD without being temporarily deaf when she found him. At the time, his eyesight had seemed like a small price to pay for acceptance in this community, but the years had not been kind to a blind man with no useful skills. Why couldn’t he have died?
The shrieks of the hounds were replaced by the screams of dying men. Humans were dying out there, and they had no idea why, or how to make it stop. But the gods would not expect him to take up arms against his own army. Would they? He heard a sound behind him. The familiar high pitched voice of the captain of the hounds sent a wave of homesickness washing over him.
"Grandpa, guess what we found," Miheal and Colm ran up the porch steps and pounded across the plank floor. "A bird's nest?" Old Kevin said. "No, you're too excited for that. I can hear the devil in your voice! A snake, perhaps? Tell me the color and let me feel his scales--I'll tell you his story." "No, no. Much better," Miheal said. "We followed the creek into the woods, just a little ways. We found these carved stones, big and small, all in a row. There's hundreds--" "More than that," his brother interrupted. He placed their prize in his grandfather's hands. The stone was cold. It radiated cold, as if the sun hadn't seen it in a long time. Kevin ran his finger through deep grooves--
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 30, 2008).]
“Constantine,” Kevin called to the raven as he fumbled with the straps of his sword. He heard the wing beats and felt a waft of air as the bird landed on his shoulder. The fighting outside the hut became louder--someone screamed--he had to hurry.
“Now we shall see if the old man was a fraud.” He lifted the small bottle of potion to his lips and drank a single drop as the old healer had instructed—when the time comes, you will know it. Pain erupted and he dropped to his knees. He was distantly aware of the raven leaping onto his head, its wings arcing round to grip his face and cover his empty eye sockets; its head rested on top of his own. Then the pain stopped and colours and shapes blossomed in his mind—it worked--he could see through the raven’s eyes. With a pounding heart he drew his sword
The blind do not see visions. I suppose I was fortunate in that aspect. All in the township suffered from them, except for me and the Minotaurs. Even before the arrows began to rain from the forest around midday, the townsmen screamed in agony. The lamented having seen their own deaths play out before them in the visions cast from the spectral minions deep within the forest.
The screams are what haunted me,both from the beasts that sprang from the forest, and those from the men they devoured. Trembling beneath my table, I prayed for the screams to stop and clenched my sword. Slowly they did, only to be replaces by
Kevin placed the blade to his flesh. The beasts were coming. Their shrieking attack, would take away one of his senses, leaving him deaf. He would counter, and take away two of theirs. Smell. Blood dripped from his arm to the rug on the floor. He donned a lion skin, and climbed to the rafters above.
They came through the door, on all fours, horrid beasts, with spikes on their underbellies. Drawn to the sent of blood they closed. The rug gave way to a spiked pit, as Kevin reached down and slammed the door, casting all into his familiar darkness. He waited until their pathetic shrieks died. Only two remained. He dropped the bag he had been kneading in his hands. Sight. The bag exploded, flaring in a blinding light.
This batch of recruits to the militia was like all the rest. No respect for a blind man. “Hellert! Step forward!” The young half-giant made it known he wouldn’t be pushed around by a hindered human. Kevin followed his heavy footsteps and muffled grumbles. When the seven-foot tall lad was a few feet away Kevin tossed his bamboo pole to him. “Knock me down and you can go home, course completed.”
Hellert never hesitated. Kevin heard the pebbles shift under his feet and the air whistled from the bamboo pole. In a motion as smooth as a dancer, Kevin ducked, swept a leg under Hellert’s feet and snatched the pole from his grasp as he fell.
“Werewolves attack at night and rely on smell to find you. Mages employ fog to mask an advance. Witches will use
[This message has been edited by JustInProse (edited May 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 15, 2008).]
I remember when I stopped being scared of the dark. As a child, I was frightened by the night. Later, when darkness became my life and forced me out of the militia, even my days were filled with terror. But I clearly remember that day, ten years ago, when the sentinel's horn summoned our village's motley army together.
That day, I was at home, making lunch and feeling utterly sorry for myself. As usual. People say when you lose a sense, your other senses become heightened. Before my accident, I would've told you that was bulls-h-i-t. But I know I heard an urgency in the horn's wail that told me, this time, it was no training exercise. I shivered. Could it be the Screamers, coming back to finish the job?
1) The first two sentences are unclear. Where is it ‘scraping’, under his bed, on the roof--he should be able to tell if he can swing a sword so well.The ‘droplets’ I presume are blood, but there is no mention of pain so it could just be a wet sword. He steadied himself (because he was really on boat) or he readied himself? He cut to the bone and the wizard merely went ‘ouch’? Seems a little restrained. The dialogue about being blind seems unnatural. However the prose itself is good. Funny ending.
2) The first paragraph is telling. I am mystified by the ending...who is the narrator talking to?
3) Not really hooked by this. Some telling and slightly confusing.
4) This is good. Hooked by the unnaturally cold stone. Dialog is good.
5) Quite like this...interesting premise.
6) First person, so it could be a powerful POV, yet it feels like an old man telling a story looking back on events—loses some immediacy which could be gained after the 13 lines. Good though.
7) Does Kevin see the flaring light? I thought he was blind? Does he permanently have this elaborate trap set up? Also no explanation, or hint, is given regarding his ability to sense despite being blind—it isn’t obvious he is blind—‘familiar darkness’ isn’t enough. Pretty good.
8) Good. Well written, clear and concise.
9) First paragraph is telling. Writing is clunky...needs cleaning up, e.g,
People say when you lose a sense, (your-cut) others (senses-cut) become heightened.
Use of ‘bullsh*t’ seems out of place. Also reads as somebody remembering (which is implied in 1st person past) events rather than experiencing them—still possible in first person past if you dispense with the ‘I remember...’ and get on with the action. Currently it loses some immediacy.
Votes:
Best Title: Having Heard the Forest Weep
Pick One: Entry #8: Blind Mans Bluff Pick Two: Entry #4: The Guardians Pick Three: Entry #6: Having Heard the Forest Weep
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 16, 2008).]
#8 --- opens with a scene, and shows the reader stuff about Kevin: his attitude, his job, his fighting style. It tells us about the world: half-giants, werewolves, mages, and witches. The scene has action. The reader gets to know Kevin well enough to care about the rest of his story. #5 -- Again, opens with an active scene, and has a great image of a living raven-helm of a thing! I'm hooked, and my only complaint is too much too soon -- a fight, a magic potion, an old man, a raven helm, a drawn sword-- in these few sentences. (This may purely be a personal preference) #3 -- I liked this one because it introduced several important elements about Kevin and gave a hint about the motivation for the attack on the village. I'd suggest making it scene, though -- place the reader in that cabin with Kevin. Also, I think opening the story with intense emotion, as is done here, will make the climax difficult to write (but, we're not doing that, are we?)
Since we have small number of entries , I'll share my thoughts on the rest of the entries after the tally. (to maintain the spirit of de-identified submissions)
This I found odd. The prose was good but the change of pace through me for a loop. It had the feeling of a Piers Anthony type of story.
Entry #2 Blind Men Never Lie
This would have been fine if it wasn’t for the ending. It became one of those ‘You chose what happens’ type of stories.
Entry #3 Blackmail
This wasn’t bad. I’m kind of hooked. It isn’t as exciting at first glance but it’s written well enough that I would read on.
Entry #4 The Guardians
I liked the cold stone. I found it intriguing enough to read on.
Entry #5 The Obsidian Prism
This was a curious one. Kevin could see through the ravens eyes. I found it to be a novel idea but it didn’t feel like it belong as the opening. I’m thinking this should be the next scene.
Entry #6 Having Heard the Forest Weep
Not bad but a little to poetic for me. I did like that first line though.
Entry #7 See No Evil, Hear No Evil
I liked this action packed opening. Maybe it didn’t belong as a start but it hooked me. I liked the title as well.
Entry #8 Blind Mans Bluff
A fantasy version of a boot camp. The first paragraph looks like it should be two. I think ‘No respect for a blind man’ should have been italicized.
Entry #9 Sound and Fury
The first person didn’t quite work for me. I am not having a lot of sympathy for this MC at this point.
I did like all of these. The prose was quite sound. Good job everybody!
posted
Yes, it is my dad who is supposed to do it. I'm sorry about both of our delays. Right now, as I type this, is he mudding (drywall) our bathroom. We have everything from our kitchen and bathrooms moved into the living room, and I have to brush my teeth in the kitchen sink
He just said to my mother, which I thought was funny, "Just so you know...by 1 I'll be drinking!"
He's been working all morning
I know he has something he is working on, so I might post it for him. As of know I'm off to help paint one of the other bathrooms
Sorry to everyone about the delay, and it is probably what is slowing down the writing challenge. Have Hope! I don't know why...but it's a good thing to say right?
posted
1—I liked this, except for the last sentence. I had to read it several times before I understood what it meant.
2—What is the scent of left and right? Forward and backward? I didn't get that. Otherwise, I liked the first paragraph.
3—This hooked me. I would like to know what happened next.
4—I felt like we just missed the hook—it probably would have come in the next sentence. The dialogue was great, the characterization was nice.
5—Good hook, nice use of the synopsis
6—A couple of typos, but otherwise a tight first 13. I would like to know more.
7—Interesting plot ideas. I was thrown off by the blinding flash of light—it felt like it was out of Kevin’s POV. Maybe it wasn’t. I guess there are differing shades of blindness, but it still jarred me.
8—Very nicely done. The only thing I didn’t like was the second sentence. It seemed out of place for some reason. The best I could do at an edit was eliminating it completely and changing the next sentence like this: “Kevin followed the heavy footsteps and muffled grumbles of the young half giant.”
9—I like the characterization, but it’s too much telling. You need some kind of action.
Good job everyone! I had a hard time picking, and an even harder time critiquing. It’s intimidating to critique people who obviously know so much more than I do. My votes:
# 1: (Entry 8) Blind Man’s Bluff # 2: (Entry 6) Having Heard the Forest Weep # 3: (Entry 4) The Guardians
BEST TITLE: (Entry 4) The Guardians
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited May 18, 2008).]
I found this quite effective and was very drawn in (although admittedly somewhat confused as to why Kevin felt the need to cut himself) up until the dialog starts and the story changes to something entirely different.
I have a certain amount of respect and admiration for the writer who scoffs at convention and “rules” of writing to express himself freely and give full range to his talent. Nevertheless, the writer who begins a story in a particular way in essence promises his readers that it will continue in that fashion. Here is a writer who is breaking his promise. He cannot be trusted. Such a writer is not likely to hold a reader long.
Having rather a weakness for the farcical fantasy genre, however, the temptation is here to read further.
Entry #2 Blind Men Never Lie
Very good first paragraph but the entry appears to be following a running theme evident in the last two Challenges of giving a cursory nod to the theme and dismissing it with a flourish in the next. It is as if the writer is saying “Here, I’ll toss in a token bit of writing on the theme, then let me get on with what I want to tell.” Or perhaps he merely wants to prove that he can start with any theme or synopsis and twist it to fit his own objective.
Clearly there is talent shown in the first paragraph and he is obviously capable of better work. I can’t help but wonder what the author is playing at? Is he serious, but in need of guidance or is this a literary “mooning” of the First 13 Challenge?
Entry #3 Blackmail
The first paragraph is confusing. I gather from the second paragraph that Kevin was once a part of the “army” of hounds? Did he sacrifice his sight to become human and live in their community? The men didn’t know how to “make it stop”, but an old blind man could by taking up arms? Hmm… no, I’m sorry. It’s too jumbled for me. Perhaps if it were a little better thought out and ordered it would hold some appeal.
Entry #4 The Guardians
Jumps right in, doesn’t it? The author is restricted by the length of the entry, I know, so while I would like description of the setting, I can overlook it. The excitement of the children is captured well and calls to the adventurous child in us all. Grandpa manifests effectively as the “wise, old blind man.” But the real point of interest is the odd stone that radiates cold. My compliments to the writer: I would definitely want to read more.
Entry #5 The Obsidian Prism
The main intrigue for me here is the moment that is portrayed: a blind man taking an experimental potion and gaining his sight. It is well done. Unfortunately, the image of a man in mortal combat with a bird on his head is more humorous than interesting. No hook for me.
Entry #6 Having Heard the Forest Weep
An entire town that sees visions? It’s a wonder there aren’t more blind people! Since these visions come from “spectral minions” of the forest, why do the townspeople stay?
I’ll give the author points for a unique imagination. Perhaps he will develop his writing skills and provide a refreshing departure from the pulp fare so copiously served up in the industry.
Entry #7 See No Evil, Hear No Evil
The title is rather trite. I’m impressed by the preparation the main character has taken in receiving his foe. He must have known they were coming for quite some time—or perhaps he keeps a pit handy for unwelcome visitors? He is a resourceful warrior, clearly, but no more than that is suggested in his character.
This lost me when Kevin closed the door “casting all in his familiar darkness” which would seem to deprive the creatures of their sight without having to blind them with some sort of light bomb.
The author’s love of action is evident in his writing. He does it well and it is an enviable skill, but it will take more than action to draw in this reader.
Entry #8 Blind Man’s Bluff
I like this very well. It needs a bit of work, though, as we are given the main character point of view and that character is blind, how does he know the height of the recruit? I would replace “course” with “training” myself. But these are small matters.
The action is described well and easy to follow. . I find a blind warrior who is training and interacting with other characters of far more interest than the lone fighter portrayed in most of these entries. I’d keep reading to find out what our sightless sergeant does find challenging in an opponent—or a recruit, for that matter.
Entry #9 Sound and Fury
Hmm, this one loses me with “lunch” which I (debatably unfairly) read as an anachronism. It conjures up a blind man dejectedly assembling a bologna sandwich. “Bulls-h-i-t” is just jarring. I do like “I heard the urgency in the horn’s wail,” however. Not enough to keep me, and quite enough to put me off.
posted
Still no synopsis for week 9. The weeks are going to blur together as week ten synopsis is due in only four days...
It is no good saying you are going to moderate if you are unable to meet the requirements for doing it. People will lose interest if all the dates etc. become confusing from week to week and the competition will fall into ruin--which would be a shame.
I only state the above as that is how I feel regarding entering this week. I am also confused now about when the week ten moderator will post his synopsis. The whole thing has been worked out to give people a weekend to write in and a weekend to vote in. We need to make it easy for entrants to encourage participation not to complicate it.
I would suggest we restart on Friday with the synopsis for week 10 posted on time and dump this weeks competition.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 19, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 19, 2008).]
posted
Entry #1 Far Cry for the Blind This was funny, and I would read on, a short sory anyway. But, I felt Kevin was dim witted. That might be a strong word, but I had hoped Kevin would no the difference between a wizard and a beasty.
Entry #2 Blind Men Never Lie I personally don't like starting with a sumamry, so it didnt work for me.
Entry #3 Blackmail Interesting. I am a little confused. Might be too much for me to take on in 13 lines.
Entry #4 The Guardians I liked this one. The last paragraph killed it for me though. Cold was used three times, to reptitive. But loved the beginning, characterization of Kevin.
Entry #5 The Obsidian Prism Hey, the Beastmaster 13. No just kidding. I liked this one a lot. A different twist.
Entry #6 Having Heard the Forest Weep I love the title. I like the writing, I just felt too far removed from it.
Entry #7 See No Evil, Hear No Evil I like the prose and action. Familiar darkness, wasnt sure it was enough of a hint as to Kevin's blindness.
Entry #8 Blind Mans Bluff One of my favorites. The only true nit, would be Kevin knowing the lad was 7 feet tall. And his though should be in italics.
Entry #9 Sound and Fury Flash backs! I have a thing against flashbacks.
posted
That is fine with me skadder. I apologize for my father. He is under a lot of stress right now. I'll still make sure I smack him, or worse, remove a couple of his last remaining hairs.
I also apologize to everyone in the competition for having my synopsis in late.
posted
No problem. It's really inconvenient the way life keeps happening even when you want to do something else, isn't it? We've all been there. Hope your house gets back to normal soon.
Posts: 938 | Registered: May 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I understand about life (and hope your Dad feels less stressed).
I guess in future if moderators feel that they will be unable to fulfill their role they should email at the earliest opportunity the next mod and ask them to step up.
So who is week ten moderator? Is he/she ready to post on Friday (or earlier given the circumstances)?
posted
I thought Justin's Dad wasn't going to do it--I mistakenly thought he was the next moderator (week 10)--a mistake on my part.
In guess what I want is some clarity about who is going to post the synopsis on Friday for definite. I don't really care who it does it--I just want to make sure someone will.
Justin, is your Dad going to do it or do we skip to the next moderator?
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 19, 2008).]
posted
For the record, I am the week 10 moderator... Grex is Week 9, and Justin is Week 8. I'm fine with just skiping a week and letting Grex jump in this coming friday. If he's unable to do that (due to time constraints, meatspace commitments, or whatnot) then I'm prepared to go with my outline for this coming friday.
posted
My vote is to let Jason pick up this week if he is up to it. Let Grex deal with his emergency. First things first. Of course a simple announcement on his part would be helpful. I understand the dilema. Just let us know.
I am having a hard time voting due to the fact that I have grown too accustommed to the writing styles of the combatants. I am sure I know who posted my two top picks and I want to remain partial.
posted
If you'd like me to make a PRONOUNCEMENT, I will.
Justin's dad has enough on his plate.
Justin should be congratulated for coming through in spite of all they are struggling with right now.
Grex can moderate some other week, and everyone can take a short break.
Wolfe_boy, go ahead and start week 10 this Friday.
In the meantime, entrants can be making lists of things they've learned from these writing challenges. They are welcome to post their lists in one of the topics for the writing challenges in the Open Discussions about Writing area. Maybe this one.
End of PRONOUNCEMENT.
quote:I am having a hard time voting due to the fact that I have grown too accustommed to the writing styles of the combatants. I am sure I know who posted my two top picks and I want to remain partial.
This is always a danger when the group of participants isn't very big. May I suggest that each of you try to write your next entry in the style of some author (other than, say, OSC) that you admire. Or the moderator could pick an author for everyone to try to write in the style of.
posted
1. Funny. Cute. Might be better if we knew more specifically what might be on the other side of that door. Otherwise, I’m not sure where the story is going. Seems more like an intro to a book.
2. Feels a bit sensationalist, a bit overwritten. And I don’t get why we’re being addressed. Is this a choose your own adventure? I guess I’m cool with that. I might turn the page just to see what the deal was with the second person.
3. Wow. A lot packed into the first paragraph. Maybe too much. My head’s awhirlin’. How is Mara related to the hounds? I like that there’s a twist--he sympathizes with the hounds, but I’m not sure I understand enough of what’s going on (despite the intense first para) to fully appreciate it.
4. I actually like this one the best. I like the way Kevin is portrayed. I like the stone that he gets. The dialogue might be a bit cliched. I can’t remember _when_ the story was supposed to be set--this feels like modern times.
5. Cool, but…. Dunno. Personal preference I guess. Not drawn in by the action when I don’t know who the characters are.
6. Nice. It feels a little forced in first person, too distant. It’s all happened in the past, and yet I feel the author isn’t taking full advantage of the first person narrative.
7. It took me three reads to figure out what the deal was with the rug and the bag. I’m still not sure when the bag comes in, when he’s kneading it, etc. His hands seemed pretty well occupied with other things in the previous lines. Not sure how “sight” is coming into the picture. Again, I’m not too compelled to read. The title… not too original. Depending on what resonance it has in the story it could be good.
8. Interesting. I’d probably read on. I’d like some indication of what Kevin’s deal is, though.
9. I like the title. “I remember” stops me cold. I don’t want to remember. I want to be, to feel, to exist.
Votes: Title: Entry 6 Having Heard the Forest Weep
First: 4 The Guardians Second: 6 Having Heard the Forest Weep Third: 8 Blind Man’s Bluff
posted
First Pick: Entry #4 The Guardians Second Pick: Entry #1 Far Cry for the Blind Third Pick: Entry #6 Having Heard the Forest Weep
Best Title: Entry #6 Having Heard the Forest Weep
My thoughts as I read...
Entry #1 Far Cry for the Blind I LOL'd. For real. Mostly decent writing and promises a humorous story.
Entry #2 Blind Men Never Lie Creative. No hook, but good to see someone having fun with the concept.
Entry #3 Blackmail Too many ideas tossed at the reader makes me more confused than hooked.
Entry #4 The Guardians Interesting. I'd keep reading.
Entry #5 The Obsidian Prism Frustrated, because it feels like I've missed a lot. This is an excellent middle part of the story, but doesn't work as a beginning.
Entry #6 Having Heard the Forest Weep It's fine. Doesn't feel like a strong hook, but there's nothing technically wrong and I'd likely keep reading.
Entry #7 See No Evil, Hear No Evil Too much, too soon. I don't want to be dumped into the middle of all this violence without some idea of character and setting. Build the tension.
Entry #8 Blind Mans Bluff I dislike the title, but the writing is excellent and clear. Is there a hook here? Maybe not for me, as I'm not intersted in this fantasy training camp. But there's nothing wrong with this.
Entry #9 Sound and Fury I like the character, but could be tightened up a bit (less laid back).
[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited May 20, 2008).]
posted
1st Entry #4 The Guardians 2nd Entry #8 Blind Mans Bluff 3rd Entry #1 Far Cry for the Blind Title Far Cry for the Blind
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
I like the idea of Bling Man's Bluff. Someone in a blindfold following the jangling of the jewellery... Posts: 64 | Registered: Jun 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
I presume voting must be closed...when will the results be posted or shall we just declare individually who wrote what? I know Justin has a lot on his plate.
What do others think--shall we wrap this week up ourselves?
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 21, 2008).]
posted
When someone chooses a 1st place and a 2nd place do they receive differet weighted values? Or do they each just count as a tally-mark of equal value? I think the first idea is better, but if that's the case I'd love to know what mechanism would both clear and simple.
posted
The mechanism has been changing, and my biggest fear was that I didn't know which to use. As I was counting up the votes, I was afraid that my choice would determine the winner, (example - If Kathyton had gotten 11 votes 20 points). If I chose votes, Kathyton would win, if I chose points, Snapper would win.
I was VERY happy to find that she one either way. Took a load off my mind. (I hate seeming bias).
I judged using number of votes. Points, (3 for first place, 2 for second place, 1 for third place) were used to break ties.
Others can use different methods, as they have varied throughout the competition, but I thought that way worked nicely.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
I'm hooked, and my only complaint is too much too soon -- a fight, a magic potion, an old man, a raven helm, a drawn sword-- in these few sentences. (This may purely be a personal preference)
