Jase stood stoically overlooking the lake. He removed his Beverly Hills Football t-shirt and tossed it onto the sandy shore. He looked at his friends innocently swimming in the lake. He ran down the wooden deck and lurched into the air.
“Cannonball!” Jace crashed into the water, just a couple of feet from Abe, sending a wave of water into his face. He coughed as the water choked him.
“Funny guy -- you're a real riot,” said Abe, as he wrapped his arm around Jace, sending him once again underwater. Realizing that Dawn was watching them, Jase wrestled with Abe. His attempts at male dominance were futile as she shifted her focus to the horizon. An orange ball of fire raced across the sky, leaving a thick, black trail of smoke.
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited June 25, 2008).]
Title: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an Airhead!
Dawn admired her ‘uniform’. They had decided to be behind the scenes, but then Jase had brought this round, all he had asked was that she tried it on, took a couple of photos and then MMS them to him.
She took three, then sent them to him.
She liked Jase, but was that because of his power or because of him? She wasn’t sure, how can you tell with someone who can become irresistibly ‘hot’?
Suddenly she saw Eric in the mirror. She turned, “What are you doing in here?”
“Sorry, I leant against the wall.”
Dawn looked at the huge hole in her bedroom wall, then sighed. It had torn her Zac Efron poster.
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited June 25, 2008).]
The fog was so thick Eric couldn’t find his friends. He stumbled through the trees. “Hey guys, where are you?” he shouted for the fifth time. Where had the fog come from?
“We’re over here,” Jase’s voice drifted on the wind.
He breathed a sigh of relief. The fog thinned in the breeze. His three friends stood looking across the lake.
“Did you guys feel the quake?” Eric asked, but they didn't answer; they just watched the lake as though in a daze. Eric turned just as the last wisps of fog cleared. The lake was empty—trillions of gallons just gone in few moments--fear coiled around his bowels. In the centre of the lake was a massive black sphere. “What the hell is that?”
There was a loud crack and the sphere ruptured spraying fluids
Eric Stafford was dead. Something had blocked out the sun and crushed him. His mind drifted now, disembodied in some cold, dark place. He waited. Regrets began to swim before his minds eye as the finality of his situation set in. He knew his family would mourn him; his mom would cry and his dad would comfort her. But it was her that he would miss most. He was a coward for not telling her everything.
After a time, the blackness receded. He tried to move and was surprised to feel that his body--though cold and numb--was still... physical. Reflex made him breath. Icy lake-water rushed into his lungs, searing them with cold. Panicking, he tried to swim, certain he would drown. Then he breathed again, and again; feeling the water slip in and out of his lungs. It felt... good.
Flames drowned in the downpour Jase called from the sky. “All this over a $20 homecoming crown, Dawn?” Jase demanded.
Dawn sneered, a flame burst to life above her palm like a burning tiara.
“What about Eric, Dawn?” Jase pleaded.
“You know nothing!” Eric’s young voice rang from above them. Jase’s ears popped as the air became violent, knocking him back to the ground.
“Now they’ll understand, huh, Sis!” Eric shouted. Air and fire began to course around the siblings in a fierce whirlwind.
“I’d say she’s dumped you man.” Abe smirked as he lifted a hand. Rodeo Drive rose at his gesture, creating a defensive barrier as he helped Jase to his feet.
Eric treaded water and eyed Jaze and Abe ogling his sister. He felt a mixture of angry at his two friends and disgust at his sister. Dumb twat thinks she’s smart. It was obvious to him that everything they found interesting about her lay south of her neck.
“…and I was like, come on daddy, the Lexis is an old persons car. I deserve a Porsche.” She simultaneously rolled and batted her eyes. “They don’t know how hard it is to get a passing grade in school. It’s not like I didn’t try or something.”
Eric saw the flaming fireball a second before it crashed in the lake. One moment he was in the water, the next he found himself twirling in the air. Below a plume of
Eric leaned back against the damp tiles of the girls’ shower and waited. Steam gathered, enshrouding him in its thick mist, as the hot water ran. He was the judge, the jury…
Brett’s voice drew Eric in. “I always knew that no meant yes, Dawn, but I didn’t think you were this kinky, in the locker room with ten minutes to half-time.”
Eric willed himself into the water spreading on the shower floor. There was no turning back now. He fell to his knees, his legs turning to liquid beneath him. He fought down the urge to scream, and lowered himself into the inch deep pool.
Brett removed his clothes and stepped into the shower. A tendril of water wrapped around his leg. “What the hell?” He kicked it off, but another returned to take its place.
posted
Entry # 1 - “Stoically” felt awkward. Actually the whole first part is a little adverb-heavy. Accurate teenage activity. Not sure I’m hooked.
Entry # 2 - Not sure I could find a hook in this one. I had to read the Eric part a couple times to understand what had happened there. I liked the poster part.
Entry: # 3 - I like what’s happening here, as a scene. The prose could use some work. “coiled around his bowels” and “as though in a daze” were awkward.
Entry # 5 - I think this one is cool. Good action, though I had to read it a couple times to understand what exactly was happening.
Entry # 6 - Good hook, good teenage drama. I like it.
Entry # 7 - Nice. Good job building drama in such a short time. I would read on.
posted
wow, this is going to be interesting since I didn't read the synopsis.
Entry 1 The Elements of Betrayal The inconsistent spelling of the character's first name makes me suspect this entry was hastily done. I'm not drawn in here. The adverb "stoically" doesn't quite make sense to me here. The scene setting, I thought, was a little rough and jumpy. First he's looking over the lake. It's only after he pulls off his shirt that we're told his friends are swimming "innocently" (and I'm not sure what to make of that adverb). I like the potential complexity between the two boys, but there was a bit of a POV lurch--first from Jase, then loosely into Dawn's. I think the author could have slowed down a bit. On the other hand, i see pretty clearly what the story is. This feels like a horror.
Entry 2 Is it... etc. MMS? That's a verb now? Dawn seems like a pretty typical, hormone-driven teenage girl. I'd like more details on what this "uniform" is, and why is it in quotes. At the end, not sure ho the huge hole fits in here. Sid it just appear? Oh, I see, Eric punched through the wall by accident? Wouldn't she have heard that? Not sure what the story is here. By a title I'm guessing this is a humor piece, but there's a porno element to it, too, I fear (snooping brother, playing dress-up, sending pictures).
Entry 3 Help me with my homework, superman?
Hm, three entries, so far in three different POVs. I'm curious how and why people picked what they did. Wow, this story starts off with a bang. I'm not sold on the writing, but I'd probably turn the page. I can't quite believe Eric would have been oblivious to all that was going on at the lake, save for an earthquake. Sounds? Pressure changes? By the title I'm guessing this is a humor piece.
Entry 4 The Elements of Summer
Interesting take here. I like how different this is from the others. Not quite sure where this is going, but I'd probably read on. I'm a bit wary of dead people in stories doing and feeling things, though.
Entry 5 Elements of Vengeance Was there something in the synopsis that suggested the world Elements as a title pick? Curious. I'm not sure what's going on here. There's a break up? Someone's POed? Not sure this opening worked for me. Speculative element is strong--these kids obviously have powers but I don't really like them that much. I feel like a walked into an argument, and I'm going to hastily make for the exit.
Entry 6 Spoiled Rotten Superhero's Argh! Superfluous apostrophe in the title! My pet peeve. There are some typos here that are bugging me... "angry" for instance, in the place of anger. I think the thing that old keep me reading here is Eric's potentially complex relationship with his sister. The other characters... well, I might read on to see them get their comeuppance, perhaps. I generally have to like characters to want to read about them.
Entry 7 Liquid Dreams Interesting speculative element. I like the complexity of Eric and his power, that it causes him pain and he doesn't like it but he does it anyway when he has to. But I d don't understand what's going on with Dawn. She's about to get raped? But why is she in the locker room, and why is Brett going to just take a shower then? Where did she go? And what's Eric doing there?
Title pick: THe Elements of Betrayal There were three "elements of..." but I thought this one was the most compelling, and the most lyrical.
First story: Entry 7 Liquid dreams Despite the logistical confusion I had with Dawn, I thought this was the most compelling story. I think it would be better if we knew Dawn was his sister (which I'm guessing was in the synopsis based on the previous entries)
Second story: Entry 4 The Elements of Summer. Prosewise, I thought this was the best put together, flowed logically, and made the most sense. But for some reason it just doesn't compel me that much. A dead guy discovers he has superpowers... what I see is a feel good story where he tries to make up for neglecting Dawn, etc. Maybe he could turn evil.
Stoically---hmmm? First four sentences begin with 'Jase stood...' , 'He removed..., 'He looked...', 'He ran...'--you need to vary your sentence structures or it gives it a repetitive feel.
I think you missed out on creating a bigger hook. Your last line 'An orange ball of fire raced across the sky, leaving a thick, black trail of smoke...' could have included the fact that it was racing towards them and he felt the his knees go weak or something. It sounds as though it's gonna strike in the next state as it stands--from the description and muted reaction.
Entry # 2
Title: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an Airhead!
Who are 'they'. Feels a bit like witholding rather than hooking. She took a couple of photos and then MMSed them to him--the next sentence is redundant, and repetitive.
'Hot'--you don't need the ''--your prose should be able to say that without the author intrusion.
Leaned is better than leant.
'It' had torn her poster? No, her brother had torn her poster.
No hook for me.
Entry: # 3
Title: Help Me with my Homework, Superman?
The first sentence is telling and redundant as the next few sentences cover the facts.
This doesn't reflect the synopsis. The writing feels thin and lacking in substance and I am barely involved with it. There is a situational hook, though.
Entry #4
Title: The Elements of Summer
Not particularly hooky, but hooky still. Smacks a bit of a waking scene, but it is well done all the same. Gets a vote.
Entry # 5
Title: Elements of Vengeance
This story is too busy for me at the begining. It starts int he middle of a spat amongst teenage superheroes--3 names introduced, 3 superpowers, plus violent happenings. Too much.
Entry: 6
Title:Spoiled Rotten Superhero’s
This is hooky. A bit of telling, but good still. Gets a vote.
Entry # 7
Title: Liquid Dreams
The best entry--good prose, interesting premise. Sex and superpowers, *faints*--what a heady mix! Top vote plus title vote.
posted
Entry 1 - Needs work on the flow. He did this, he did that... Last line needs work. Jase/Jace spelled two different ways. Entry 2 - The quotes around uniform is a bit odd. What does MMS mean? The word leant is old-fashioned. The writing isn't too bad, but I wasn't hooked. Entry 3 -Writing was clear. Semi-hooked. Entry 4 -I liked this one. The hook element was there. Nice job. Entry 5 - This one was just okay for me. The hook element wasn't that strong and a lot of dialogue attribution (he demanded, he pleaded, etc.). Entry 6 - I was immediately turned off by the language in the second sentence. Call me a prude, but just one reader's opinion. Aside from that, the writing was decent and I was semi-hooked. Entry 7 - I had to read this a couple times to get where you were going with it, but in all, not too bad. I would edit the second sentence, it helped me as a reader understand what was going on, but it seemed to be lacking.
My Votes: 1. Entry 4: The Elements of Summer 2. Entry 3: Help me with... 3. Entry 7: Liquid Dreams
Best Title: Elements of Vengeance.
Additional Note - This wasn't my favorite week for submissions. In particular, I found mine absolutely pathetic after reading it. Maybe I'm just in just one of those moods, so please excuse if any of my above critiques seem too direct.
I liked Entry 5, but it seemed too far through to be a First 13 and I probably wouldn't read the story because everything I need to know is in the first 13.
The biggest problem I see with this is the POV shift. A little telling as well. I think the author could have reworded this and caught a couple more lines to work with.
Entry # 2 Title: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an Airhead!
The first paragraph read odd to me. The rest of it doesn’t quite grab me as well.
Entry: # 3 Title: Help Me with my Homework, Superman?
I’ve seen it before but I never liked the line fear coiled around his bowels. The premises is a little interesting but I’m not quite hooked.
Entry #4 Title: The Elements of Summer
The contemplation of his own death doesn’t work for me but the last paragraph did. Somewhat hooked.
Entry # 5 Title: Elements of Vengeance
This was interesting, only because I read the synopsis. I would have no idea what was going on if I were to read this without that knowledge. This looks like it belongs in the last half of the story.
Entry: 6 Title: Spoiled Rotten Superhero’s
Could the author spend a minute or two on editing? Misused punctuation marks, misspelled words, come on now.
Entry # 7 Title: Liquid Dreams
This one hooked me. One of the four using his superhero powers. I’m not sure, but I believe the girl may be in trouble. I liked how the water wrapped around Brett’s leg.
posted
I personally have a problem with Spoiled Rotten Suphero's because it's one of my major peeves to have a possessive used improperly. Superhero's what?
1) The Elements of Betrayal - I had plausibility issues from the get-go. Would four rich kids swim in a lake? I don't see it. It'd either be a private beach on the ocean (since they're in California) or a pool. The other problem I had was, if I didn't read the synopsis I wouldn't know what the orange fireball was.
2) Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an Airhead! - Again, this relies on who has read the synopsis. And... '“Sorry, I leant against the wall.”' ...makes no sense. Also, the title implies humor, and there was none.
3) Help Me with my Homework, Superman? - Lame title, nice hook!
4) The Elements of Summer - Interesting, but I'm not sure how this relates to the synopsis.
5) Elements of Vengeance - Good title, vengeance always sells. Nice hook. While it's true that most of the elements of the synopsis are in this, that only convinces me that the arc must get more intense and doesn't rely on the whodunnit aspect. And it starts in medias res. Nice.
6) Spoiled Rotten Superhero’s - Covered my irk about the title. Very telling--though, you succeeded in making me dislike Eric. The car is a Lexus, and "old persons car" should be a possessive "Old Person's car".
7) Liquid Dreams - Title automatically made me think of Pink Floyd and Dream Theater. Interesting concept.
Observations:
Three people used "The Elements of" in their titles.
Those that chosee Eric to fall from grace had it over his sister.
Both lead me to believe Bruce Holland Rogers theory on making sure it's original: write down the first twenty thing you can think of as fast as you can and don't use them; those are the ones everyone else thing of.
Without further adieu, my votes are:
Title: #5 Elements of Vengeance
#1 Hook: Story #7 Liquid Dreams #2 Hook: Story #3 Help Me with my Homework, Superman? #3 Hook: Story #5 Elements of Vengeance
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 29, 2008).]
posted
Entry 1 The Elements of Betrayal Very simple. Good beginning. Sentences seemed very short and choppy and start with too many single identifiers (first paragraph). It was very good at drawing me into the moment.
Entry 2 Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's an Airhead! Legally Blonde all over again? Perhaps, but where is the hook? I need more. Was Jase tricking her into getting "personal" pictures of her to post on his web page? I also grew up with five sisters and they would have reacted with a lot more anger and if they had super powers, heaven help me. Especially if I tore Zac's picture (oh no).
Entry 3 Help Me with my Homework, Superman? I liked it until Eric found everyone. I liked the hook but had difficulty suspending my disbelief. His reactions are also distracting and don't feel right in the story. Feeling fear in his bowels?
Entry 4 The Elements of Summer Very good visuals and thought process. I like the last sentence.
Entry 5 Elements of Vengeance Too much dialogue. If this is the beginning of the story how are you going to amp up the rest? Good visuals and interaction.
Entry 6 Spoiled Rotten Superheroes I don't like the jump from the situation to the hook. Are the first two paragraphs necessary? Would have started with the third and tied in the relationships later.
Entry 7 Liquid Dreams Second sentence lost me. Needs to be tightened. Isn't Eric drawing Brett in. I'm assuming Eric has fooled Brett into coming into the shower so he can "do him in"? I'm hooked by Eric's driving force, the why, even if I didn't know that he was Dawn's brother. Is he protecting her? Is he jealous? Don't know if I like tendril.
Favorite Title- Entry #7 Liquid Dreams
First Place #4 Elements of Summer
Second Place #1 The Elements of Betrayal
Third Place #3 Help me with my Homework, Superman?
posted
Third time a charm. My first 2 previous attempts to post this have failed this morning. I don't know why. Going to try again, sorry though, I don't have the patience to do my thoughts a third time, just the votes.
First entry-#3-Help Me with y Homework, Superman? Second entry-#6-Spoiled Rotten Superhero's Thrid entry-#2-Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an Airhead!
Best Title-Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an Airhead!
#1 -- conflict between the boys. Varying the sentence structure will make it read more smoothly #2 -- Is it a real uniform? Who are they? What did Jace bring around? Needs to set up situation. Nice characterization for Dawn. #3 -- Characters confront an interesting problem. feels like we need a little more set up as to who these guys are and why are they in the fog. #4 -- unique and intriguing, well written. I like the description of the underwater breathing. compelling. #5 -- I like seeing them play with their super powers, but feel confused about the situation. #6 -- typos distracted me. great line for Dawn, nailed the character. #7. guy with cool super power confronts a problem, although I don t quit know why Dawn is his business. the line about wanting to scream as he changes state is great --- brings some unique insight into the costs of super powers.
The thing I learned this week is how tricky unsympathetic characters are -- an uphill battle to gain the reader's interest.
[This message has been edited by kathyton (edited June 30, 2008).]
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