"I'm the luckiest girl in the world", you think to yourself, as you walk away from the restaurant. "He loves me, and now we're going to get married."
Your senses are alive. You can smell the sweetness of the oranges as you walk by the fruit stand, mixed with the exhaust of the cars passing by. Your hair plays with the wind, a light corona surrounding your head. Each step you take feels like it is brimming with tomorrow's possibilities.
Your phone rings. It's him, and you just left him a few minutes ago. You answer. "Hey honey. I love you." You hear him chuckle.
The blast of a horn sounds. You look up, and see the car.
A wet crunch and a splat. You're flying, then another splat. As your world darkens, you hear him ask... "What was that?"
SpacePort Master Smith radioed Lewis. "Your ship just came in," he said. "She's worse than rudderless. No Captain, no crew. Derelict." "Have the rats deserted her? What are you waiting for? Find the Captain's log and read the last entry to me." "Okay, Mister Lewis. Wait while we find it." "Hurry up, man. I haven't got all orbit," said Lewis. "What do I pay you for? It's not like abandoned spaceships visit your miserable port every day. Run a tight ship, dammit." "We found the log. The last entry says, 'We discovered a virgin planet. We wiped the ship's memory. Neither ship nor you will ever find us. At last we are free.' " Smith paused. "It's signed, Captain, Retired, Lewis Jr.' "
The scientist placed the probe in the incapacitated creature. “If you want something done right,” he said to his assistant. “It’s not our fault every tracker malfunctions in less than day,” answered the tech. “Maybe it’s disabling it.” “Nonsense. It can’t feel it and it is disguised. It will look like a natural part of its body. Now go put it back in it’s den, nest, or whatever that thing is you found it in.” *** Paul stumbled into the bathroom and found Carol. “I had another one of those weird dreams. I feel like I’ve gone through a full body cavity examine.” Carol’s face twisted, “Yew, you got another zit. You’re not going to pop it are you?” “Best way to get rid of it.” Squish.
I killed her and I am not proud of it. It was a fine day and the sun was shining. She looked so healthy, so full of life—it was then I knew for certain. She had to die. My heart began to thump in my chest and I rubbed off the sweat forming on my palms. I tried to whistle casually as I walked towards her. She looked at me suspiciously, and backed away--she knew. I didn’t like to see the fear in her eyes, but I lunged. I had my hands around her fine neck and began to squeeze her life away... "Daddy?" A voice said behind me. It was Jasmine, my daughter. I froze. "Yes, honey?" "What are you doing to Daisy?" I looked at Daisy, who pecked at my hand. "You know you have to break eggs if you want an omlette? Same goes for chicken curry."
The IRS auditor showed his credentials to the restauraunt owner, peering through the kichen at the very robust chef. "We recieved an anonomous tip. Does he speak english? I have to implant a caloric intake spectrometer. He obviously isn't paying his k-cal tax." The auditor spoke in a flat monotone. The owner began laughing hysterically and rattled incomprehesible French. The auditor gave him a questioned look. "What is so funny? Everyone must pay k-cal tax." "Monsieur, My chef is a custom android." He managed to squeeze from his laughter. "A hundred and seventy-five kilometer android?" The auditor was puzzled. "Image is everything. You can never trust a skinny chef."
“Sometimes being a Mom is like being pecked to death by chickens,” Sheena muttered as she typed a short story into her obsolete computer. She turned away from the computer to face the crashing sound coming from her three-year-old son’s room. Give him an inch, and he will take a mile she thought as she walked towards his open closet. Ian sat on the top of a pile of Legos and baby clothes with a half eaten Popsicle streaming down his hand. Sheena takes the sticky mess and sends him back to bed with a look. “Is it a bummer?” He asks with eyes smiling. Sheena mumbles to herself with head shaking as she heads out of Ian’s room. “Go to bed” She whispers. Ian’s left foot creeps over the edge of his bed and brushes the floor.
The calm settled over the town like a tarp. There was not much town left after the storm. She liked that. A few twists of metal creaking in the breeze, a torn roof in the street. The boy sat in the middle of the wet pavement. His small fist was in his mouth stifling his screams. Bits of debris lay over his dirty legs. She looked at him. A boy that small, there should be a mother around, but there wasn’t. She smiled. “Hello boy. Where’s your momma?” She slipped closer to the boy. He sobbed and leaned back. Encouraged, she slipped in a bit more. He inched away, quieting. His eyes widened, taking in her slender form. Her eyes locked with his, he stilled. Quietly, gently she coiled around him.
posted
Nice job everybody. Write a complete story in 13 lines, with a theme, is not easy. All the entries had a beginning, ending, and plot. Well done!
Here are my thoughts.
The Luckiest Girl
I did not like the narration. Almost all the sentences start with 'you' or 'your'. It slowed the piece down. Change it and it would do well.
Return to Sender
Got a few idioms in there. I'm impressed. The ending felt like a punch line that went flat.
Taking one for the Team
Nice bait and switch. It worked on me.
Never Trust a Skinny Chef
A nice sci-fi story all in 13 lines. I'm amused.
Ignorance is Bliss
Cute. Is this a day in the life of the author?
The Calm
Creepy. I really liked it. I think the POV character is some sort of snake/person. Not knowing may effect my choice.
Very difficult decision. I am going to judge these as if I can only chose one for my magazine.
First The Calm
I like the image and felt fear for the lad. Wish I knew more but how much can be accomplished in 13 lines?
Second Taking one for the Team
I really liked how you made us think one thing then showed us something else. Great job.
Third Never Trust a Skinny Chef
The idiom fit the best and the story was complete.
I went back and forth trying to place my top three. The rest were derserving as well. Great job everyone!
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 31, 2008).]
Sad concept but engagingly written--except for the second person POV. I kept thinking, "I'm not a girl, and anyway, I would not do that." I'd have preferred 3rd person narrative.
Tagged
Made me chuckle--but I think "examine" should be "examination" and "it's den" should be "its den".
Taking one for the Team
Well written, but I could not completely engage in the story because I don't like being in the mind of a killer.
Never Trust a Skinny Chef
Starting a story with "The IRS auditor ..." is brave! Amusing but flat, because I thought mistaking the robot for a person was an error an auditor would not make. And, should be "received", "English" and "questioning look".
Ignorance is Bliss
An amusing glimpse of life familiar to all parents, except I didn't really understand why Ian asked, "Is it a bummer?". But it slips from past into present tense. I suspect present throughout would have worked better. I love his final gesture of defiance.
The Calm
Brilliant. Evokes clear images of the calm after a storm, the frightened boy, and the horror yet to come. I enjoyed it despite a strong dislike for horror stories--the snake must have mesmerised me too!
They're all good, and my vote is:
Third - Ignorance is Bliss Second - Tagged First - The Calm
posted
Good job all around. It was fun reading these! My comments below: Leslie
Crits The Luckiest Girl The “you’s” detract from the story. It might read better if you removed them.
Return to Sender I could use some background in the dialog. I may be a bit slow, but it took me a couple of readings to catch that it was his son, (It was, right?). I like the idea, though.
Tagged. Loved the idea.
Taking one for the team. This is funny, but the serious tone at the beginning didn’t match the funny tone at then end. It might have worked better if he were trying to hide the killing from the un-named daughter at the beginning...
Never trust a skinny chef I like this, a lot.
Ignorance is bliss I think you change tense in the middle. It makes this sound awkward. I have troubles tense too, and find that if I read everything out loud to someone else I can catch many of these problems. (Oh, and sometimes that someone else is my iPod voice recorder and me listening a hour or so later….8)
I gotta add that I was a bit flipped out when I realized that I was going to post my creepy snake-thing-stalks-a-baby right after your really nice story about a Mom. I waited to see if anyone else was going to post.....
First-- Never trust a skinny chef Second--Tagged Third-- Ignorance is bliss
First: Never Trust a Skinny Chef -- Nice, clear winner.
Second: The Calm --nice feel to it.
Third: Tagged -- Amusing, some errors, but funny.
The Luckiest Girl: I liked this one, I just liked others a bit more.
Return to Sender: This one confused me, I fail to understand precisely the point.
Ignorance is Bliss--its well written. Is the last line a POV violation? It seems to be Sheena's POV. I liked the writing but found the subject a little too day-to-day to pique my interest.
posted
I've got a question concerning Luckiest Girl. If you didn't like it, was the problem that it was written in the second person, or that there issues with the prose?
I realized that writing it in second person was a bit of a risk, but felt that it was effective in involving the reader. In talking with Snapper, I got that he didn't think that the prose wasn't tight enough. I can definitely see that point. There were too many "you"s.
I'd just like to know what aspect of it that people didn't care for. I'm not disputing anyone's vote at all. I'd just like to hone my craft. I like writing in the second person for small works, and want to learn to do it better.
posted
Yeah, sorry, I forgot to add up the scores.
Same scoring as for the 13 line competition.
The Calm -23 points
Never Trust a Skinny Chef - 17 points
Tagged - 14 points
Taking One for The Team - 7 points
Ignorance is Bliss - 6 points
Return to Sender - 5 points
The Luckiest Girl - O points
Well done all. Since we can't assume that the poster wrote the entry, perhaps people could declare who wrote what. If you are as lazy as me you probably posted it yourself.
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