Bill Randolph’s thirty-eighth birthday present to himself, was, once again, mocking him. The seventeen foot runabout coughed a final time before giving up completely. Bill sighed, but he had long since learned calling the fuel-guzzling beast names only made his throat sore. So he swallowed back a few choice words and pulled out his cell phone. This time the words came without warning. He let go with one of what his ex-wife had called an ultimate curse, and slapped his phone shut. No reception. Bill didn’t even bother checking his CB. He and his half empty bottle of Jose had rigged the thing up without directions, and it hadn’t worked since. Bill tried not to kick anything. Instead, he closed his eyes and waited out a full ten-count. When Bill opened them
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 21, 2008).]
Bill was proud of himself for a few brief seconds--sliding across the loose gravel with some semblance of balance--before he hit the front end of the car and tumbled onto the hood. It caved in beneath his weight. Dylan screamed something that sounded obscene at him through the booming eruption of the volcano, but he couldn’t be sure.
“Hey, at least I missed the windshield!” he yelled through the cacophony, and rolled off towards the passenger-side door. Bill stood up and saw Dylan’s face contort into a look of momentary confusion before he lost his footing and fell to the ground, sliding down the steep embankment. He disappeared behind the other side of the car, while Bill tried the door handle. Locked. He glanced around for the fallen grad student but
I was cursed. I’ve known it since I was a small boy and I watched A Christmas Story. My only thought was, that boy had it easy. It seemed like some God or fate maybe, had it out for me. Some said it was just bad luck, but I knew it wasn’t. It didn’t help that I had a mind like a sieve. I forgot everything, like filling up the boat’s gas tank before heading out into the ocean. At least I remembered my life jacket. So there I was standing on the edge of my boat. It bobbed impotently. I was surrounded by unending blue in every direction I looked, except one. An island stuck out of the blue. It had palm trees and jungle, typical, except for the large volcano sticking out of the middle of it.
The first fin knifed through the water about an hour after Bill abandoned ship. Out of gas, his ass. He had filled it himself. Karma? No, he would have been dead years ago. The second shark came moments later, rising silently from the depths.
Bill took a deep breath, and slid beneath the crystal waters. Most shark attacks were a case of mistaken identity, the silhouette of a person in the sunlight. He would be damned if that would happen to him. Moments later he surfaced, allowed himself seven strokes above water, then dove once more below. So much for karma, the sandy beach was now only a hundred yards off. And only reef sharks? Surely, he was worthy of at least a Great White, if not two. Hell, the police had never even found his latest victim, only her head. Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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“I want you.” She smiled and stretched against the confines of the rock. She saw him straining against the boat at the shore as the others slipped away to the safety of the open ocean. She shrugged and the rock shuddered. They could leave, she didn’t want them. Eyes closed, she reached to him, tendrils of thoughts caressed his mind. “ I choose you.” She stamped her foot. The ground shook. Why didn’t he come? She felt his struggles, his desire to be free. He shoved again, nearly freeing the small boat. He was going to leave like the others. Why did they always try to leave? She wondered. She would love him forever, devote her existence to him. Give him anything, if he just stayed with her always. She sighed. Willing or not, he would stay.
"Maldito! Maldito!" the villagers shouted as they ran from the bus blocking the road. Bill, wearing only a wet pair of Speedo's, leaped from the passenger seat of a '76 VW Bug. He never would've imagined this situation an hour earlier, before his boat ran out of gas and he had to swim to this island. Now, lava spewed into the streets behind him, and he and a student named Dylan were being forced to make their escape on foot. Bill grimaced as his bare feet pounded against the harsh gravel surface. They came upon a young woman who had fallen in the road. Bill reached down to help her. "Maldito!" the woman cried, pointing at Bill. "What is she saying ?" Bill asked. "She says you are cursed," Dylan replied.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 23, 2008).]
“Dammit!” Bill kicked the gas can. He could have sworn he filled it up before he left. No fuel, the radio was busted, and the island he drifted toward wasn’t on his chart. He rubbed at the birthmark on his hand. Did I get gas on it? Bill didn’t see the sailboat until it pulled alongside. A well-tanned couple smiled. The man offered a line. “Necesita ayuda?” “If you’re asking if I need a tow, thanks.” Bill reached for the rope. The woman’s face went white and she screamed. “Vaya, vaya,” ordered the man. The couple struck the sails and sped away. “Thanks a lot,” shouted Bill. “Now what am I going to do?” The boat listed and he fell sideways. He lifted his head to see the island approach. His boat was riding sideways on a huge wave.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 24, 2008).]
posted
Fresh Meat. No one's voted yet. I guess since I will be gone for the week, I better get it done now. Here goes, normal warnings apply. I tend to say what comes to my mind.
1)Bill's Very Bad Boat - It read a little like, See Spot Run, Bill did this, Bill did that, also I stumbled on some of the sentences like "He let go with one of what his ex-wife had called an ultimate curse..." I liked where it started though and covered all the things one would do before swimming, the cell, the Cb and such.
2)Engaged to Changarath's daughter - No idea what the title had to do with story. But would later I suppose. "Cacaophony" you lost me there, no kidding, I had to look it up, thought it was a mgaphone or something. But I aint the brigtest so, it might not be a problem for someone else, but I would suggest, noise, calamity.
3)How My Luck Gets Even Worse - I liked the way this one read, although it seemed telling verus showing. In other words I didnt get the impression of an scene, more just looking at a picture. But it flowed well for me.
4)Payback's a Bitch - Really liked the first paragraph, but the second one was a little hard for me. The police never found his latest victim. I gather he is killer, and I don't know if I could root for a killer, unless its rooting for him to die. Which might be rather fun.
5)Island Girl - A litte variation from the synopsis, I thought all the villiagers took a bus onto the freeway, but I don't hold that against the story. I liked it, showed a twist, and a different POV which I liked. Although it seemed to long of a scene, for just a "goddess" having the hots for a man. Would have liked to see her toying with him.
6)A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god - A touch cliche. But I like cliche. Its just the idea of someone running around screaming "cursed" in another language has been done many times before. The first paragraph was a telling to me, but still read well.
7)Overdue Bill - I got a lot of those. I like this one. First sentence, great beat, bill kicking the can. Wasn't a fan of the italics "Did I get gas on it?" Know what you are going for, but just rubbing the birthmark was hint enough for me. The sailboat, I at first thought this was a great way of showing he didnt speak spanish. But was shocked he didnt see the sailboat coming, yes they are quiet, but not that quiet, sails flap, and generally you would have said something before pulling aside. I liked it still.
Best Title: Overdue Bill
First: 7 - Overdue Bill Second: 6 - A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god Third: 5 - Island girl
Anways, good job all, I love seeing all the different ways to start.
posted
Great job to all! I love these challenges. Leslie
Entry # 1: Title: Bill's Very Bad Boat Love the title, what can I say, I am a sucker for alliteration. Too bad you could not get berry in there... 8) This was a close tie for first, but I stumbled a bit in the second paragraph. The first line in the second paragraph confused me.
Entry # 2 Engaged to Changarath's daughter Lots of action, but I am having a hard time connecting. It would help to have a little more why in there.
Entry # 3 How My Luck Gets Even Worse This did not connect with me. It seemed like telling to me and that may be why.
Entry # 4 Title: “Payback’s a Bitch” I liked this one but you lost me when I read “out of gas his ass”. In my mind it would have been better as a quote. I wanted to reread the first again to see if I got it right.
Entry#: 5 Title: Island girl Doesn’t move quickly enough to grab me. She could do more to him in the hook.
Entry # 6 A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god I must be on a tense binge tonight...I think it should be ‘leapt from the passenger seat…'. I would also lose the reference to Dylan as a young student, just Dylan is good enough and punchier.
Entry # 7 Overdue Bill You grabbed me, I was looking for the next part.
First #7 Overdue Bill Second #1 Bills very Bad Boat third #6 Swimmer in the hands of an angry god best title Bills very Bad Boat
posted
Bill's very Bad Boat - I like his character, liked how this one went
Engaged to Changarath's Daughter - I like the action in this one, but I like getting a feel of the character first.
How My Luck Gets Even Worse - a bit too much telling
Payback's a Bitch - I like where this one is going. A murderer gets his due. He seems like a character I would like to hate.
Island girl - A different POV is nice, but there were a few parts that weren't clear to me. What rock was she struggling against and what was Bill doing with his boat, was it trapped?
A Swimmer in the Hands of An Angry God - Too much action too soon for me, but the action was good.
Overdue Bill - I liked the hook and the birthmark part.
Best Title - Payback's a Bitch
1 - Payback's a Bitch 2 - Bill's Very Bad Boat 3 - Overdue Bill
posted
Entry #1 Title: Bill's Very Bad Boat I, personally, like this one. The second paragraph is rocky.
Entry #2 Title: Engaged to Changarath's daughter This one promises that there will be a lot of Indiana Jonesish action and reparte.
Entry #3 Title: How My Luck Gets even Worse I love the writing style. I can't deal with first person very well for some silly reason. I'd prefer to watchi "Him" getting in the water with the sharks, than think of myself doing it, and first person always makes me feel that way. The actual story, aside from the point of view is pretty cool, though is good.
Entry #4 Title: Payback's a Bitch Cool. I dig the severed head. I like the shock value of first rooting for him to live, then realizing that he's a murderer. Oh my.
Entry #5 Title: Island girl Sorry. I don't do steamy, well -- especially when written by a man, it seems too fantastic, ya'mean? But, when we're talking about a volcano island godess... that's another matter. I'm amused and interested.
Entry #6 Title: A swimmer in the hands of an Angry God. I think this hit on all that was mentioned in the synopsis. However, I don't feel it fleshing it out much.
Entry #7 Title:Overdue Bill I agree the title rocks. Everyone loves a mysterious burning birthmark!
First: 4 Payback's a Bitch Second: I'm going to have to go with 1 here, Bill's Very Bad Boat Third: 5 Island Girl
posted
1 – Bill’s Very Bad Boat – I really liked this one. I especially enjoyed the narrator’s tongue-in-cheek tone. There were a couple of misplaced commas, but they didn’t distract me. The only thing I questioned was how the title relates to the synopsis.
2 – Engaged to Changarath’s daughter – It starts off with lots of action, but I initially had a hard time figuring out whether Dylan fell from an embankment above or below the car. I also didn’t feel much of a connection with either character. “Changarath” is a Hindi name I believe.
3 – How My Luck Gets Even Worse – I liked the writing style, but I would agree with others that I feel I’m being “told” instead of “showed.” I liked the imagery of “a mind like a sieve” and “bobbed impotently.” Unfortunately, the reference to A Christmas Story in the second sentence lost me, maybe A Christmas Carol?
4 – Payback’s a Bitch – Loved the opening sentence, and I liked the mood. I had the same problem with “his ass.” A minor issue was “mistaken identity, the silhouette of a person…” – should have left off “of a person” to make sense. The word “below” dives into infinity. I didn’t care for the last two sentences – they made me root for the sharks. I did like the title.
5 – Island Girl – I’m not sure if you can call it personification, being that the island is apparently alive, but I thought the POV was very original. Some of the events seemed out of sequence from the synopsis, including the absence of the buses. I find the story possibilities intriguing, but I question how the island’s voice could be maintained throughout the story.
6 – A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god – Lots of action, and a unique concept with the main character running around the island in his underwear. However, there’s too much happening in the first paragraph – could possibly have been better in first person, with him dangling over a volcano. The title is a nice pun, but too obscure, especially for the overseas crowd.
7 – Overdue Bill – I liked the hook, where the couple sees the birthmark and sails away. Minor issue – “kicked the gas can” that was empty, so how “Did I get gas on it?” Also, lowering the sails would take a minute or two and would not help them speed away unless they started their motor first. I liked the title.
Best Title: Overdue Bill
First: 1 – Bill’s Very Bad Boat Second: 5 – Island Girl Third: 4 – Payback’s a Bitch
The three commas in the first sentence made me feel like I was having an asthma attack. I also wanted to cut out the ‘Bill sighed, but’. It reads better without it. I loved the line… He and his half empty bottle of Jose had rigged the thing up without directions …says a lot of what type of character Bill is. A proper opening but not very hooky.
Entry # 2 [b[Engaged to Changarath's daughter[/b] I loved the visual of that first paragraph. Very vivid and exciting. The rest of the piece read like a ‘Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure’ script. Biggest issue is as an opening this scene came out of nowhere. This would be fine, a thousand words into the story.
Entry # 3 How My Luck Gets Even Worse
I think the title should be How My Luck Got Even Worse. Don’t know about the ‘A Christmas Story’ reference, and that kid did have it easy. Too much telling. The last two lines made this mildly hooky for me.
Entry # 4 “Payback’s a Bitch”
A interesting predicament but if I were reading this without the knowledge of the synopsis I would be wondering How and why is he in the water?. This opening sounded like the beginning of the next Jaws anthology
Entry#: 5 Island girl
Nice opening and interesting approach. I bet the POV will switch to Bill’s at this point. I like it.
Entry # 6 A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god
The first paragraph is an info dump, but I admit that the rest does hook me, some. I have an urge to cut words and rearrange the text.
Entry # 7 Overdue Bill
This read like someone went to great lengths to cram all the info he could in 13 lines. Adrift in the water, a burning birthmark, ditched by rescuers, and a mysterious wave. % paragraphs in 13 lines, did he even use margins?
Best Title Entry # 6 A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god First Entry#: 5 Island girl Second Entry # 6 A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god Third Entry # 3 How My Luck Gets Even Worse
posted
Close one this week, looks like we have a three way tie for first. Wait! Hold on there. It looks like Reagansgame voted for their own. Tsk, tsk. Well that throws things out of wack. That and WriterDan failed to vote. Hmmmm, Well RG's vote for her own is cancelled (sorry but it's in the rules). Let's see how we did.
Best Title #7 Overdue Bill
First tied #4 “Payback’s a Bitch”
#7 Overdue Bill
Third tied #5 Island girl
#6 A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god
Now here are the authors
1)Bill's Very Bad Boat by Reagan'sgame
2)Engaged to Changarath's daughter by WriterDan
3)How My Luck Gets Even Worse by Satate
4)“Payback’s a Bitch” by Tiergan
5)Island girl by LAJD
6)A Swimmer in the Hands of an Angry god by philocinemas
7)Overdue Bill by Snapper
In case you didn't know how the scoring went, it is 5 for first, 4 for second, and 3 for third. Now me and Teirgan have to share Captain Hook's hat. I get on the even days and since your so odd, you get it the rest.
posted
Ah, must have misread the rules. Thought I couldn't vote, that other people were doing that. Not just that I couldn't vote for my own. My bad. Will change that up next round. lol. So, question though: Can I just not vote for my story in first place, or vote for my story at all? Just trying to clarify. Posts: 599 | Registered: Sep 2007
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posted
Nope, you can't vote for your own at all. So writing a crit for your own is always fun, just to throw others off.
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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