posted
I'll give it a go, Skadder. Let me know if this is what you had in mind. I'm not sure I understood everything. But I think you wanted to see what would happen if people wrote without the big picture? Kinda trying to make a big picture from a snapshot sort of thing? Hey, if no one else enters, does that make me a winner!? I hope so. I like being winner.
Title: Erin
Erin waited for her cab. Behind her, a boy not much younger than her squeegeed the windows of the cafe. She could feel his eyes crawling all over her back. The sckreeoooch sound seemed to be staying with the same pane and not attending to the others. She wouldn't turn around. Let him look. This was America, land of the free, and that included the right to a free ogle. The cabbie said twenty minutes, but those minutes had ticked on into an hour, now and Erin was starting to lose her nerve. She paced, putting the thing that had to be done far from her mind's grasp. Across the street, a cagey rattle drew her eyes. Erin saw a heap of a woman dressed in layered browns, pushing a shopping cart full of cans. Erin watched the woman come upon a
[This message has been edited by Reagansgame (edited August 28, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 29, 2008).]
Scathe watched the boy over the rim of his drink. The cafe’s other customers seemed oblivious to the boy struggling with his leg; perhaps it was a common sight on Somalian streets. Scathe frowned and wiped the sweat from his forehead. Cursed land mines--the boy couldn’t be more than eight years old. Sitting on the cafe's low wall, the boy gripped the artificial leg with his right hand, while trying to shove the dusty trainer on the false foot with the scarred remains of his left hand. Scathe thought to help, but the grim determination in the boy’s eyes stayed him. The ship’s med-unit could’ve regenerated the boy's limbs over night, but he couldn’t interfere with local humans. Then the trainer slid onto the plastic foot and the boy grinned. It is a good omen for the mission, Scathe nodded.
I hate taking the bus. I hate the jostling of strangers and the foreign smells; the transfers on, the transfers off; having to keep that little paper transfer ticket; the way the stupid ticket machine won’t accept it the first time you stick it in because you’ve bent the hell out of the damn thing in your pocket and you hold up the line of people behind you. The waiting is what I hate the most; especially here at the station. I wait with a herd of lower-middle class commoners in the morning cold, like the young guy next to me with the ten speed and goofy looking hemp hat - saving the environment one miserable person at a time. I hope that fad ends soon, its annoying as f**k.
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited August 28, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 29, 2008).]
Cindy leaned on the gray brick siding of the gas station's store. She breathed in deep to replace the recycled air of her friend's car with the possibly fresher night air of Nowhere, Kansas. How Lizzy had seen the exit to this lonely place, a mile from the freeway along a dirt road, she couldn't guess. She has better eyes than me, Cindy thought.
While Lizzy rummaged inside for snacks or coffee, Cindy watched the two other patrons. An elderly couple in black leather and bandanas, with separate Harley's and enough wrinkles for Cindy to notice at her distance, embrace under a light pole. Cindy smiled at the sight. Apparently, this little patch of nowhere held magic for some people.
*Note on Edit: Changed a punctuation mark.*
[This message has been edited by aspirit (edited August 29, 2008).]
posted
OK, not sure if this is what you were looking for, but here goes!
Title: Evermore
I close my eyes and lean back, my dusty boots thrust into the road. The wall is hot on my back. It burns my skin through the holes in my shirt. The smell of hot stucco and acrid dust hits permeates the air. Even with eyes closed I can see the dust kicked up from the dirt road. The swish of the housemaid’s broom across the street tickles like a feather at mind’s edge and adds to the dusty air. I’ve been waiting forever. Waiting, saving my strength, listening, watching. The broom’s woosh snaps me into an earlier time when brush skirted girls played along a pink shore and a sea breeze lifted the hair off my neck. I snap my eyes open, no time now for used-to-be’s. The time is now, they come and I must be here to warn the others.
Oh wait..I forgot blah blah blah...LOL
[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited August 29, 2008).]
John Fontanna sat on the front stoop of his building watching the people go by. More than few had their heads down searching every crack and trashcan as they walked. A middle-aged man, wearing a ball cap backward, dropped to his knees and plucked a number two pencil from behind his ear. He ran the pencil down the crack and stopped mid-way, prying at an object buried within. With delicate care he pulled a faded cigarette but, smashed on one end. The man held up the discarded but and smiled, it had enough tobacco for a half a drag. A month ago a vagrant would have turned his nose up at that decomposing but, but to millions of people suffering nicotine withdrawals brought on by a plant virus, that musty remnant of a camel looked as good as ice water to a man lost in the desert.
It was twilight in mid autumn, and Zedekiah Jones draped the roadside bench with his sagging frame and his poorly fitted clothing. Leaves stirred around his feet, and he lifted his dentures up and down with his tongue, making unnerving clicking noises as he waited. His eyes, resting in hammocks, followed three children walking on the other side of the street along the edge of a gray wooden fence. He watched them stop at the weathered gate he knew so well. Beyond that, there was the crumbled sidewalk leading up to his childhood home. His presence there was no mystery; he was a fixture on this bench, always staring up at that old dilapidated house. However, today was different. He was expecting these three children, adorned in the caricatures of innocence. Any moment
posted
1) Erin - I quite liked the feel of this piece but there elements where editing was required. The hook is very light and you seem to have focussed on two subjects for the intro which I feel has diluted the impact of it.
2) Beach of a Thaousand Stars - Again somne editing required. The boy is mentioned but then the focus drifts away. I would prefer the first part of the second paragraph to come after the first sentence of the first paragraph.
3)Commoner - 1st person gives this piece an advantage in terms of characterisation over the 3rd person pieces. Not sure I like the guy he seems to hate everything. You could have balanced it partly with something he liked, something that made him seem sympathetic and less snobby. The prose is good.
4)Travelling with Strangers - Some POV issues, slight but evident:
While Lizzy rummaged inside for snacks or coffee, Cindy watched the two other patrons.
Cindy may have heard Lizzy rummaging, but how did she know it was for snacks? It could be cleared up easily, and it could be argued that it isn't a violation but it sprang out.
5)Evermore - This is too flowery for my taste. Everything over-described, leaving nothing for my imagination to do. This could be pared down without losing anything and would give added space for further prose. The last paragraph is the best.
6) Cold Turkey - I liked this one. The last paragraph seems a little info-dumpy and could have been done with a little more finesse.
7) All Saints Beware - This had too many descriptive elements where I had to re-read the sentence to get the meaning:
...Zedekiah Jones draped the roadside bench with his sagging frame and his poorly fitted clothing.
When I first read this I pictured a guy draping something over a park bench..I then I had to re-jigg my mental picture when I realised it was his sagging frame. I didn't like his eyes resting in hammocks as I had trouble picturing this.
Votes:
1) Cold Turkey. 2) Commoner. 3) Evermore
Best title: Travelling with Strangers.
Well done everyone. I quite enjoyed working within boundaries--no dialogue etc. Perhaps elements (boundaries, e.g. no adjectives) of this could be incorporated within the usual 13 lines challenge--perhaps changing the rule each cycle.
posted
Erin: Commas are obviously this author's kryptonite.
Beach of a Thousand Stars: Writing is good, but too real for me personally. I don't like kids with blown off limbs. I try to ignore them every chance I get.
Commoner: Fast-paced, read without stumbling. A very broad experience we can probably all relate to.
Traveling with Strangers: This is sweet. Granny and Grandpa on their harleys still in love -- makes me all warm inside.
Evermore: I didn't get totally hooked by this one until M/C brings up warning the others. But then, I did want to know "warn them about what?" by the end.
Cold Turkey: Orig idea. I'm a Big fan of end of the world-ish stories and I know too many folks that the scenario would be the equiv. of end of the world. What's next, caffeine?
All Saints Beware: Great. I loved this one all the way around. I think its the writing. Really captures with the scene painted.
1st: All Saints Beware 2nd: Traveling with Strangers 3rd: Cold Turkey
posted
Sorry im at work, dont really have time to comment.
1st : All Saints Beware - Great characterization. I loved it - One of the best 13 I've seen on here that really makes me want to read ont.
2nd :Beach of a Thousand Stars - I thought Scathe's obseravtion of the boy was great. His thoughts going to the med-unit translates that he does care, even though he can't interefere.
3rd : Cold Turkey - Nicotine withdrawals from a plant virus, UNREAL! I wanna read more.. why isnt john effected? Me rikey!
first--> Beach of a thousand stars second--> Cold Turkey third--> The Commoner title--> Beach of a thousand stars
Erin I liked the first paragraph, but then became hung up on the first line of the second. After that you lost me. I did like the image of the window cleaner though. “the thing that had to be done” also made me pause and roll the words.
Beach of a thousand shores You got me, I’m hooked. I was right next to you on that street. Where’s the rest?
The commoner I liked this one too. However, I had a mental gasp at the end of the first sentence. However, I have a personal bias toward short sentences. The hook is there for me but not as strong as I would like.
Traveling with strangers I liked the first line, but it would take more for me to keep reading.
Cold Turkey I liked the idea a lot. What would happen if there were no cigarettes? However, it seemed like there was a POV issue between John and the vagrant. It bugged me.
All saints beware I think this needed a bit more action. I can see the scene, but I am not really sure what is going on.
[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited September 04, 2008).]
Erin I really liked the imagery, especially at the beginning – I could feel the window cleaner watching her. I suppose the hook was “the thing that had to be done.” However, going straight into watching the homeless woman distracted me. There were a couple of minor grammar issues, but nothing unforgivable.
Beach of a Thousand Stars I liked the title and the protagonist’s name. I liked the scene in general, and the allusion to him being an alien interested me in why he was there. The first sentence of the second paragraph was a little hard to follow, and I wasn’t sure what a trainer was at first. I also didn’t understand why this was “a good omen.”
Commoner I like this. Sure, the protagonist seems to be a pretentious jerk and thinks in very long sentences, but it’s great character development. I wasn’t sure whether the “hemp hat” kid was saving the environment a “person at a time” by having a “live” hemp hat or by breathing out carbon dioxide in a CO2 deficient world.
Traveling with Strangers I liked the writing and the imagery. I understood Lizzy’s rummaging to be inside the car – not sure. I liked the elderly bikers. However, I wasn’t sure what the hook was – the mention of “magic” maybe?
Evermore Again, I liked both the writing and imagery – I saw one mistake with “hits permeates,” which confused me at first, but didn’t affect my opinion. However, the last sentence didn’t seem to reflect the mood of the rest of the paragraph.
Cold Turkey A few minor issues – it drives me crazy when I see sentences ending in prepositions; “but” has an extra “t” like an “as” has an extra “s”; and Camel. All that aside, I loved this (the title and the story) – I used to work with teens and have seen them actually do this – YUCK! I’d really want to keep reading.
All Saints Beware I really liked this – I’d like to keep reading or something like that. Unfortunately, the writer can’t follow directions very well. After this critiquer reread them several times, he realized that the watchees were not supposed to have anything to do with the watcher’s story. However, it might still have potential.
Best Title – Cold Turkey
1st – Cold Turkey 2nd – Commoner 3rd – Beach of a Thousand Stars
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited September 05, 2008).]
This one followed the guidelines to a tee (plus points) but it was boring (sorry). I can honestly say that this didn’t hook me. Minor note: sckreeoooch would look better if italicized.
Beach of a Thousand Stars
Hmmmm, an alien on a clandestine peace corp type of mission? Not bad, I’m midly hooked.
Commoner
I liked this a lot, although it may not have stayed true with the spirit of the contest. I am intrigued with this pompous, annoyed person. Nice way to open.
Traveling with Strangers
I suspect this is not my type of story but I do like it. Especially how Cindy show a little jealousy at a strangers eyes.
Evermore
I liked the blah, blah, blah part, very articulate. Okay, this was midly hooky but I think the first paragraph doesn’t follow the guidelines.
All Saints Beware
The problem with this is I don’t know who the MC is at this point to determine if this is a guideline violation. I am sort of hooked though.
This is a lot harder that I thought it was going to be. Tough choices.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
