The first step is this:

Please post your first thirteen in this thread by December 8th, using the following format:

Title:
Word count:
Genre:
First thirteen:

Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread entitled “Ready for Market--December”.

I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary.
For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle:
On the 1st day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s.

We give ourselves a week or so to do that. This is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognising that we can't all get to things immediately.

During the week after entries close, we
- grade first 13s
- request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly)

By the last day of the month we
- grade at least one manuscript
- grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)

The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.

Vlad urged his horse forward along the dirt path that wound through the smoldering village. The peasant trotting at his side threw his arms wide to gesture all around them. “You see, my prince? You see? It swooped in on great wings. They blotted out the full moon, so wide they were. It had no mercy! The fiend burned fields, beasts, and barns with one great breath. The wind – ”
The young prince tugged the reins and held up one hand. Ceasing his litany of woes, the peasant dropped to the ground. The air was thick with smoke and keening, the smell of burnt flesh almost overpowering them. The horse pranced and nickered in the shifting wind, so Vlad leaned forward to pat its neck and whisper, “Easy, Lazlo. Remember who you are.” The horse threw

Like any good Western showdown, this one starts with a cowboy, a six-shooter and a girl. The cowboy, that's me. The gun is mine, too, a real nice one with an ivory handle that I picked up in St. Louis. As for the girl, well, let's not rush things. You'll meet her in a bit.

First, let me introduce myself. My name is Jake Longstreet, a Western man, born and bred in what is now the great territory of Colorado. I live for the prairies, the big sky and the buffalo. I don't even mind the occasional Indian or Moon Man.

I don’t know what You would do with an old broken refrigerator, but in Wilden, you dig a big hole and bury it with a marker that reads, “Here lies a Kenmore side-by-side with an icemaker. 1986-1999.” At least that’s what Jodie did.

Liam marvelled at Stannedan's bold design, as he always did when he approached it. Massive standing Stones, joined in pairs by huge lintels, Stannedan was a circle of square arches each rising tall as three men. With the evening sun low in the sky, Stannedan stood in black stillness on its shallow, grassy hill. Ten generations had built it, for their children, and for a hundred or more generations that would follow. Liam knew well the sweat and toil of raising the Stones, for his was the generation that had finally finished Stannedan.

What shall I make now? The making is done. Liam pushed the thought away and walked towards the oldest Stone, the first, which had been laid by his forefather of ten generations before.

As he walked, he quietly acknowledged the men and women, young

So, let's get with the grading of the first 13s, by Monday Dec 15 please.

A reminder--

7-10 ready for market with little or no work
4-6 almost ready but needs a bit of work to be its best
1-3 needs work

And do request at least one story to grade fully by the end of the month.

Speaking for myself, please everyone, do feel free to send me your story for a complete read.

Cheers, and happy reading,
Pat

7

I'm don't read much fantasy, and probably should; but if I wanted a story of dragons this would look interesting. I especially like the hint that the horse is more than a horse, which for me is a good hook because it's fun to be in on a secret.

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Cowboy Jake and the Moon Men by JenniferHicks

8

Love the voice and the surreal juxtaposition of cowboys, indians and moonmen.

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JODIE AND THE HOLE by JoeMaz

4

I suspect there's an interesting idea here. Sounds like a future society where machinery is unreliable but essential.

I had trouble believing the first para--why would anyone bury a fridge? Or even a frig?

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Whom Time and Tears Have Not Forgotten by philocinemas

7

Great title, vivid opening scene, and a clear problem. Too depressing for my taste but a 7 for the right market.

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Hope this helps--do please feel free to send your stories to me for a more detailed review.

Jodie and the Hole by JoeMaz: 5. I love the first sentence because it makes me want to find out why Jodie would bury and then mark the burial place of appliances. Then I see some wordiness, a misspelling and passive voice in the next paragraph.

Whom Time and Tears Have Not Forgotten by Philocinemas: 7. This certainly gets my attention. The mother part of me doesn’t want to know the story of these two people if it revolves around the death of their child, but I would probably keep reading anyway.

Jodie -- 7 I think this sounds fun and I would definitely read on. I'm wondering who the narrator is, which is distracting.

Time --- 6 Takes off for me with the start of the dialogue -- has conflict and important stuff is at stake. The passive first sentence kept me at a distance and kept me from being engaged with the characters (because there were no characters yet, just words.) red face/red blouse comparison a little forced and is commonly used. We need a little lead into the fight, but this first paragraph could do a lot more work.
Sun -- 8 I like a good look at the scene and knowing who the story is about. Liam's need to build something else got my interest. I'd switch the order of his thoughts -- "the making .." first, then "what next?" that seems a more logical order.

All I can say is that writing a good dragon story would be very hard. It has to be about the characters. For me at least, the dragon is just a situation the characters find themselves in. Even though the dragon isn’t in the scene, it’s still all about the dragon.

Cowboy Jake and the Moon Men: 9

I enjoyed the rutin-tootin cowboy build up.

Jodie and the hole: my story, so I’ll stay out of scoring it.

The “frig” misspelling should deduct major points. Sorry. Please try to look past it.

Whom Time and Tears Have Not Forgotten: 7

Cool title. Interesting hook.

Sun Rider: 8

Cowboy Jake and the Moon Men: 8 – The voice is great, and I also like the title. I assume this is the old west, so I might suggest a couple minor word substitutions. Regardless of that, I am definitely hooked.

Jodie and the Hole: 6 – I found the opening both intriguing and bizarre. I realized that the “Jodie, being so busy, …” sentence was designed for humor, but it didn’t work for me – I ended up reading it twice and lost the jest of it. I'd keep reading to see where this was going.

Sun Rider: 7 – The writing was very smooth, and it reminded me of some old Analog stories I read recently. The hook here is very subtle, and the title seems to give me more information than the 13 lines. The monument description reminded me of Stonehenge, but I did not get much feel for the character.

Well written, with some nice turns of phrase, clear scenes and characters, but for me, let down by the plot and willing suspension of disbelief.

Story characteristics:
character development -- 6

I thought the characters, while well drawn, too easily did and felt what the story needed of them; not generic exactly, but too conveniently fitting the plot.

plot -- 6

The plot was self-consistent and I liked the message, but I found it hard to believe.

satisfactory ending -- 4

Nice message but too predictable.

milieu -- 7
willing suspension of disbelief -- 4
I only started to believe it when the reason for Ben's return was revealed.

unique/never been done before -- 4

It reminds me in terms of structure of Heinlein's “By His Bootstraps”.

writing style -- 8

I like the writing style, with little touches like her red blouse matching her red face.

dialogue -- 7
action -- 6
understandable ("I get it") -- 7

The Order of the Dragon

Story overall: 4

I like the idea of being able to communicate with the dragon with thought, and I like the writing style. But I didn't care for Vlad and was almost disappointed he won!

Story characteristics:

character development -- 6

The servantwas clear, and so too was Vlad, but I felt sympathy for neither. The dragon was okay, but bad only in a rather generic sense.

Plot -- 3

I think it needs more motivation for Vlad and for the dragon.

satisfactory ending -- 3

Vlad didn't improve his attitude as a result of the fight--he got worse.

Milieu -- 6
willing suspension of disbelief -- 6
unique/never been done before -- 6
writing style -- 7

The writing style is attractive.

dialogue -- 6
action -- 6

Okay but in the action I got a bit lost as to who was where.

understandable ("I get it") -- 7

Cowboy Jake and the Moon Men
Story overall: 9

Now listen, I don't do nines! But ... Love the voice, the whimsical upbeat tone, the smells and feeling of being there, the authentic-sounding slang. I enjoyed being addressed like I'm being told the story in a bar over a whisky. Or two.

Story characteristics:
character development -- 9
plot -- 9
satisfactory ending -- 9 milieu -- 9

Very believable despite the moon men.

willing suspension of disbelief -- 9

No problems--not least because the characters believe it all.

unique/never been done before -- 9
writing style -- 9

Even the second person moments work! (Partly because I have been known to spend time in bars.) The writing is refreshingly direct, yet idiomatic too.

Dialogue -- 9
action -- 9
understandable ("I get it") -- 9

More stories of Cowboy Jake and the Moon Men please! I think this story is ready for one of the major markets.

Jodie and the Hole

Story overall: 5

Character development: 4
I didn’t get a good feel for Jodie. I think more could be done to flesh him out. I also don’t understand his motivation for what he does to the gnome, or why he would bury a fridge.

Plot: 4
Starts off with the mystery of Jodie’s knack for fixing appliances and suddenly switches gears to gnomes. Both good ideas, but the appliance idea here doesn’t get a resolution. And, just a thought, but what happens to Jodie once the other gnomes figure out he defiled their burial site?

Satisfactory ending: 7
I do like the sorry note and the hat. That’s cute.

Milieu: 5
The characters don’t look very shocked or worried or confused at finding gnomes in the backyard, so I’m confused as to whether they’re a normal part of life or not. Is this supposed to be our world or a different one? (Most people wouldn’t toss the body back in the hole, they’d sell it for a gazillion dollars or at least give it to National Geographic.)

Willing suspension of disbelief: 4

Unique/never been done before: 7

Writing style: 7
I think this has solid writing but could use a close trim and edit.

Dialogue: 6
Nothing wrong with the dialogue, but nothing struck me as wow, either.

Action: 5

Story characteristics:
character development -- 5

A few things fell short in this area. One, the MC’s ability to link minds with the dragon was unexplained. I would have liked to been eased into that. Also, the guy called Emil; I never really got the feel for that guy. I think the story would have benefited from some more dialog between Emil and the prince. Also, there really wasn’t anyone to like or dislike. With a little more dialog the reader might be able to form an opinion of the characters. I’d like to be able to say earlier, “hey, that prince guy is a real jerk,” or, “he’s super cool.” As it is, he’s just a dude on a horse.

plot -- 6

The plot seemed pretty simple. The dragon is bad, so go kill the dragon. The whole time I was reading I had the inevitable dragon fighting question lurking in the shadows of my mind; how are these to people going to kill a dragon? It’s really ridiculous. Why a couple of guys with swords think they could kill a giant, flying, fire breathing dragon, is beyond me, but this is something seen in good stories all the time, so it’s not necessarily a real problem. It wasn’t until the end that I actually started to buy these two guys going after the dragon. It might have been better to give the reader a little something to believe in earlier on.

satisfactory ending -- 8

I liked the end.

milieu -- 7

willing suspension of disbelief -- 4

See plot

unique/never been done before -- 6

The uniqueness was found on the last page or two.

writing style -- 7

I’d really like to see some more dialog fleshing the characters out. With this story, I felt the talent was in the story more than the writing. Like I said, this could be a pretty cool story with a little more work.

Story overall: 6

Character development: 6
Garret must not be very smart to shun the one man who wants to tell the world about moon counting. Couldn’t he have guessed what Liam would do? If he had made attempts to win Liam’s loyalty, that probably would have worked better for him.

Plot: 5
Two points: First, how come no one in this apparently vast nation (or nations, I was unclear on that) has figured out on their own the same thing that Liam’s family did about the moon counting? And second, using as the climax the revelation of a secret that’s obvious information to anyone reading the story was a tad anticlimactic. However, I do like the conflicts and relationships among the three principal characters and the thing that Liam has next decided to “build.”

Satisfactory ending: 4
(See above)

Milieu: 5

Willing suspension of disbelief: 6

Unique/never been done before: 7

Writing style: 7
I like the clear, clean writing style. Very easy to follow.

Dialogue: 5

Action: 6

Story overall: 7
I absolutely loved most of it. The first couple of pages, before Meg got to the waiting room, felt rushed and out of place with the rest of the narrative, but then the rest of it was great. Unfortunately, I think those first couple of pages are critical for hooking readers and selling a story. Have you considered starting when Meg meets the dog, and revealing the fight as background information? Just a thought.

Character development: 6
I didn’t get a great feel for Meg, Carl or Ben, but I felt that the plot was more the focus of this piece than the characters, so that didn’t bother me too much.

Plot: 9
Fantastic idea. Wish I’d thought of it.

Satisfactory ending: 6
I felt that maybe too much was revealed. My suggestion: Trust readers to infer a little of it themselves, such as the old woman being Meg. Does she really have to ask?

Milieu: 7
Description of the other world wasn’t detailed, and so I didn’t get a great picture of it.

Willing suspension of disbelief: 7

Unique/never been done before: 5
Like TaleSpinner, I was reminded of a Heinlein story, but it wasn’t “By the Bootstraps.” Can’t remember the name. Sorry.

Writing style: 7

Dialogue: 8

Action: 8

Story overall: 5

Character development: 5
If I were to make a list of what I know about Vlad, his peasant and the dragon, it wouldn’t be very long.

Plot: 6
Not new but solid. Dragon ravages village and brave knight goes off to fight the dragon.

Satisfactory ending: 7
I do like the blood twist. Creepy but good.

Milieu: 8
The setting is well-drawn.

Willing suspension of disbelief: 6

Unique/never been done before: 4
See plot.

Writing style: 6
I thought it could use a close edit and trim.

Dialogue: 4
I don’t think people really talk like that, but maybe the dialogue was done that way on purpose.

Action: 7
I liked the fight with the dragon and cringed when Vlad got blasted with its fire. One quibble: I thought the peasant was dead when the dragon grabbed him, and then he wasn’t. Confused me a bit.

Understandable: 7

#

Story overall: 5

Character development: 5
We know quite a bit about Jodie's childhood, but that doesn't seem relevant to the big discovery of the story. Could his power over gadgets have something to do with gnomes? (or is that too D & D?) anyway, all elements of the story should tie in together. Establish what Jodie wants and what prevents him from getting it, is important for character and plot. Who or what opposes him? What does he want? Who are what opposes him? Is it Jody against uncle Peter? Jodie against the gnomes?

Plot: 4
The lack of conflict, I think, is hampering the plot. See character notes.

Satisfactory ending: 5
I think there is more to this story, and we're not seeing it on the page. There should be consequences. I'd love to see Jodie interact with gnomes -- the possibilities for humor and drama are endless!

Milieu: 8
This was understated, but effective, for me. A place where your nephew either fixes your Kenmore or buries it in the backyard said it all.

Willing suspension of disbelief: 6

Unique/never been done before: 7
I'm not that well versed in the fantasy mags, but it seemed like a new take on a familiar fantasy trope to me.

Writing style: 7
I like the basic style; too much time establishing Jody's back story.

Dialogue: 7

Action: 5
I think the story would benefit by keeping the readers more "in the scene," rather exposition.

Understandable: 8

#

Story overall: 7

Character development: 7
Characters are complex and multi-dimensional, each with clear goals that are in conflict with each other. This story has a lot of names and new concepts coming at the reader; emphasize that we should pay attention to Brianna and Garret as each is introduced so that they don't get lost in the crowd.

Plot: 7
I really like the idea of a story about such a monumental change in civilization, brought down to an intimate level. However, this this story does tend to feel like part of a novel. I felt like a direct confrontation between Liam and Garrett would have higher stakes and more focused energy that the two henchmen stopping Liam on the path.

Satisfactory ending: 8
The ending answers his question from the beginning -- He should make a new life elsewhere..

Milieu: 8

Willing suspension of disbelief: 8

Unique/never been done before: 7
I think this was a unique vision of prehistoric people.

Writing style: 7
Felt tight, but I felt mildly confused sometimes. A little explanatory exposition would be an easy fix.

Dialogue: 7
Consistent and avoided clunky modern colloquialisms. The archaic touches to language do keep the modern reader a bit at a distance, however. I think with a novel, the reader has more time to get into the language.

Action: 7

Understandable: 7
Ultimately, I did understand everything. But guessing about sun riders, blue stones, sun markers, and moon counters through most of the story was a little distracting.

Story overall: 8

I haven’t read a lot of stories from Hatrackers, but of the ten or so that I’ve read, this was the best one. The voice was great and the plot kept me engaged.

Story characteristics:
1. Character development – 9
I feel this goes along with the voice. Jake is a great character and very likeable. Willy, Shyann, and Davis all had their own voices and were intriguing characters. Although I question whether Shyann was really “a nice girl.”

2. Plot - 6
About half way through, I began to wonder whether the Moon Men really served a purpose or were there only for the SF requisite. I enjoyed the plot as well as the climax, but if the Moon Men had been Indians, this story would not stand up as SF. That could be a problem as far as getting it published.

3. Satisfactory ending – 8
I liked the ending very much, but I didn’t understand why it mattered that Davis was just taking the hides. I almost expected some tie-in to the cattle mutilations that people used to blame on aliens.

4. Milieu – 9
I think that the Old West is a great setting for SF and it opens up a lot of possibilities – cattle mutilations, mind-control, memory erasure, etc. – the funny sides of these, of course.

5. Willing suspension of disbelief – 8
I could see the Moon Men snatching people as they leave town and erasing their memories, so tourists don’t show up in places like Arizona with antennae on their heads. I had a problem believing they would willingly let Willy leave town and write a book.

6. Unique/Never been done before – 8
The story had traces of Firefly and more so of a 90’s “B-movie” called Oblivion (Unfortunately, I know movies better than stories). Still, I think it’s a great idea, and I envy all the fun you could have with this character and setting.

7. Writing style – 8
The style was excellent, but I took off for a few grammatical errors. On page 2 you use the word “hallway” and I think you meant to use “halfway”. Right after, at the top of page 3, you use “him” instead of “them”. There were a few other places where you used one too many commas or could have rephrased for better clarity. I thought you might welcome this info instead of my repeating how great the voices of the characters were.

8. Dialogue – 9
I thought this was perfect – nothing else needs to be said.

9. Action – 9
I wondered if you could have gone into more detail of Davis missing Jake in the showdown, but I think it is fine as it is and helps the momentum of the story.

10. Understandable – 9
I had that one question about the buffalo hides, but the rest of it was very clear. Great story!

Story overall – 6
I read this story about four times over the course of a couple of weeks – two times back-to-back to write this critique. The writing style was what I liked best, but I felt that some of the characters and terminology pop-up out of nowhere, making the story hard to follow.

Story characteristics:
1. Character development – 4
Liam is well-developed, but at first I thought he was the leader, especially when he referred to his ancestors as having such a prominent role in building Stannedan. Suddenly, Breanna is introduced, but forgotten until another page later. Garret is introduced immediately after Breanna, and gets into a long discussion with Liam without the reader knowing who he is. Because of the syntax and new terminology this became confusing to me.

2. Plot – 6
I found the plot a little difficult to follow (mostly due to the terminology). I do get it now, but I had to read it several times.

3. Satisfactory ending – 5
I realize that understanding how to determine the months and seasons was a great discovery. I think if you could include some of the far-reaching results of this, it would make for a more powerful ending.

4. Milieu – 8
I like the Celtic feel of the piece and I could easily picture the scene of the roast – I actually wanted more of that scene. I wasn’t sure, is this Stonehenge?

5. Willing suspension of disbelief – 9
I didn’t have trouble imagining any of this as what could have happened.

6. Unique – 7
I have an old Best of Analog anthology and it has a couple of stories similar to this (cavemen and Norse warriors). I haven’t seen anything recently, however, so it could be an untapped market now.

7. Writing Style – 9
The writing style was excellent. I found the syntax a little hard to follow, but it was very appropriate for the story.

8. Dialogue – 6
Markers (names) were used within the dialogue at times to let the reader know who was speaking, but I lost track during long back-and-forths. It might have been helpful to use more attributive phrases instead of other methods, because the reader could have more difficulty with the syntax.

9. Action – 4
I found this piece lacking in action, except for the very brief confrontation with the acolytes (not a common word in my vocabulary – not sure about usage in that time period) and the frolicking with Breanna. I think this story would benefit from a little more descriptive action in either of these two directions.

10. Understandable – 5
I got it, but it took several reads. There’s a lot of unfamiliar terminology (bluestones, moon-counter, Sun Rider, Sun Seer, and Eostre, which I figured out the second time around). The secondary characters didn’t get much introduction and the dialogue was hard to follow at times. I think the syntax, though appropriate, also made it tougher to read.