Title:
Word count:
Genre:
First thirteen:

Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread entitled “Ready for Market--January 2009”.

I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary.
For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle:
On the 1st day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s.

We give ourselves a week or so to do that. This is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognizing that we can't all get to things immediately.

During the week after entries close, we
- grade first 13s
- request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly)

By the last day of the month we
- grade at least one manuscript
- grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)

The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.

Title: The Other Body
Genre: F
Word count: 7,000

Eddie lost control of his other body somewhere between the gas station and the grocery store. Instead of picking up milk and bread, his other self detoured to the nearest bank and proceeded to rob it. Where the black ski mask and gun had come from, Eddie didn’t know.

He slumped in the booth, sipped his decaf and hummed along with the mall’s holiday music; white Christmases were overrated, no matter what Bing Crosby said. The restaurant was stuffy, as though someone had overcompensated with the heater, and it smelled of grease and salt. A kid launched fries at his back like soggy missiles.

Amelia stood motionless, watching him, tall and grim. His black eyes burned into her. She held her breath as he moved slowly into the dark wood, disappearing as if into mist. He was gone.

She had seen him there, on occasion, at the edge of the wood beyond the river. He just watched her, never spoke. He looked ominous, but he didn‘t feel that way to her. Was he really the Dark Man, the ghost who sought vengeance by stealing naughty children and feeding their bodies to the river? Most of the other children claimed they didn‘t believe in him, that he was just a myth- a tale that grown-ups told to scare them, and keep them from the old stone bridge on the outskirts of town. She knew better.

The stink of the brown waters assaulted my nose. Reeds decayed in mirror-still shallows, and the tattered gray carcass of a fen ray bobbed under the greedy attention of a pair of crows. Vapors, like rancid breath, oozed from the spongy earth, chilled, and thickened into mist as the sun descended.

Perched upon the snowy flanks of the Moonfall Mountains, the sun was a vigilant eye. After traveling the bog for three days, I had learned what happened when that red eye closed. I tried not to think about mournful faces coalescing out of the mist.

"Well, Operator Gregg, I'm to give you a second warning. Notes from the first warning indicate you were less than cooperative before. Perhaps you're more willing to talk today?"

Gregg wasn't. Hunching on an unpadded stool in the work burrow of the new traffic light official, he thought about dinner. He would have ignored the summons, except he thought the young official would have bothered him at home.

So, let's grade the first 13s, by Saturday Jan 17 please.

A reminder--

7-10 ready for market with little or no work
4-6 almost ready but needs a bit of work to be its best
1-3 needs work

And do please request at least one story to grade fully by the end of the month.

Speaking for myself, please everyone, do feel free to send me your story for a complete read.

The City of Night: 5
The premise of hunting for ruins doesn’t catch my attention; maybe it would if I had some hint of why the ruins are important. Some of the wording strikes me as cliché: tumbled ruins, sparkling garments, mountains that rear their shoulders, fluttering excitement.

Blood River Bridge: 6
The idea of the Dark Man intrigues me, but I wonder whether you could make that idea more prominent in the first paragraph instead of using those first critical words to talk about burning eyes and dark woods and mist.

Mists of Blackfen Bog: 6
Some poor person lost in a bog where bad things happen after dark … good idea for a story, and I’m interested to see where it goes. It struck me as a tad overwritten, though. I don’t think the sun perches on anything, and I doubt the mountains have grim faces. Although it'd be fun if they did.

Gregg the Gnome: 4
Sorry, but I just can’t get into a disciplinary meeting. I notice the title indicates Gregg is a gnome, but there’s little of that in the first 13. Maybe if you played up the fantasy aspect and downplayed the meeting aspect …

War Memorial: 8
Wow, you have me hooked. Good writing, good premise. I really want to keep reading. The only suggestion I have is to use “was” less in the first paragraph – not an interesting verb.

I am definitely hooked by the idea of an other body that he has limited control of. I even caught that the ‘he’ at the diner was the first body. Good job. My only issue is that he seemed pretty nonplussed for someone who could get arrested for something that someone else is in the middle of doing. It’s a very good start, though.

Merlion-Emrys
The City of Night→5
This idea seems pretty straightforward to me, they are on the end of a long quest looking for something in a decaying city. Since I am not a big fan of quests fantasy, the hook is going to have to go beyond that for me to read on. Others will have to comment on the hook for fantasy readers, I would skip this just because its not my cup of tea.

The one technical issue that I see is that, the tone between the first paragraph and what follows is different enough that I thought the Aronos referred to in the second paragraph- being excited- was a different character, even with the same name. I think its because the first two lines seems very stately and dignified, Lightmaster Aronos does not seem the sort to get so outwardly excited, but Aronos (second paragraph) sounds like a thrilled adventurer, so it jarred me right out of the gate.

Tempest
Blood River Bridge→5
I see this having a mild hook now but with options for a stronger one. After the first line, I want to know what Amelia is feeling. Actually during the first line. Is she waiting, scared, terrified, anxious? Something. For me, the hook would be in sucking me into her head, to feel her terror- or whatever. And why is she there? Is she looking for him? Based on my random comments, I think I am expecting some emotional context for this scene.

CL Lynn
Mists of Blackfen Bog→5
OK, I have to out myself, because I have read Mists in its entirety. 8) So my comments may be - make that are - a bit tainted by additional information.

I think I already commented, that I liked the first opening better- the one with Orn talking, and trying to convince her to stay in the priesthood. I think her confusion is a good opener. This one is too much description before action or context for me.

Aspirit
Gregg the Gnome→3
Wow, another one I have read…and both you and CL have seen mine, too! 8)
It is kind of hard to get hooked by a disciplinary meeting. Perhaps if we could see what Gregg did to get him in trouble? (An easy suggestion for me, since I know what that is and its funny). That might be a stronger hook. Or even his long walk to the meeting, with all the dread and tension that includes might be a stronger start.

NickT
The War Memorial→7
So you are immediately throwing some pretty odd concepts out there: a girl in a cocktail dress called a brewer, some commandos going to kill her, etc. It’s a bit boggling all at once. I’m not sure its bad, though as long as you start explaining things very quickly. I am definitely hooked.

[Sorry..forgot one!]

I'm almost never attracted to stories where MC seems passive, unable to control anything. Here, MC has no obvious redeeming features that might make me sympathize with him. The premise is interesting, though, and I like the writing style.

The City of Night - 6

I like the anthropomorphic description of the mountains and I'm drawn by the concepts of a Lightmaster and a Dimensionist, even though I have no idea what they might be. I believe you could make it yet more vivid, though, by replacing generics like "garments" and "ruins" with something more specific, more iconic, more resonating.

Blood River Bridge - 5

"She knew better" is a great hook, but it's diluted substantially by what goes before, which would appear to indicate (especially with "Was he really the Dark Man ...?") that he's a mystery to her. "Mist" doesn't work for me as a metaphor for disappearing into a "dark wood", for I get two contradictory images, one of darkness, one of mist. And I don't know why, but I feel it should be, "Then he was gone." Yet, I'm intrigued by the premise.

Mists of Blackfen Bog - 6

I see the scene, and some of the imagery is striking; but where's the hook? The second and third paras are easier for me to read than the first. The "mirror-still" qualifier threw me, for I expected to be told where the reeds were decaying; and do crows go after water-born carrion? I like the "Moonfall Mountains" and suspect--hope--this is a hint of other-worldliness that perhaps needs to stand out more.

Gregg the Gnome - 5

The premise is amusing. I think it should be "hunched" to match the tense of "Gregg wasn't." I found it hard to believe he'd be thinking about lunch when faced with the official; he was at least thinking about avoiding being bothered at home. "the work burrow of the new traffic light official" confused me, because I thought it meant Gregg's work burrow, and that he was on his own stool. Also, without the title, we wouldn't know they're gnomes, and I'm not sure it's a good title because it hints at a children's story, and I imagine this is satirical urban fantasy.

War Memorial - 6

I'm almost hooked, but not quite. First, in my world a brewer is someone who makes beer (or tea) so I can't imagine why she'd be a threat. I guess it's future slang, but without context it's hard to see her as anything more than just a girl--so the plan to shoot her sounds heartless, and I'm not inclined to feel sympathy for the MC who I assume is Lamar, even though the girl has guidance shielding.

The Gift - 5

I don't understand what's going on, so I'm not hooked. There seem to be hints, but little that's specific. We know the brand of the car, that the weather is freezing, and that they're packing to go back--but where, why, how many and who are "all"? And what's with the age thing? Is "the gift" one of not aging? It feels to me as though the narrator is holding back, talking around the story instead of moving it forward. I might be hooked if I knew why they were going back, and what the cost would be if they didn't.

Below are my ratings. Given the nature of this challenge, I only would give a 7 or above if I can’t find a reason to criticise the 1st 13…I’m operating on the presumption that editors will only look at stories where the 1st 13 are absolutely flawless. As such, I’ve been very picky and looking for reasons to reject a story. Realistically, there’s probably a few that I’d like to read, but I’m being a bastard for the sake of this challenge.

Nick

Title: The Other Body
Rating 6

As long as we’re really tough on these stories I’m almost sold on this one. Two minor issues:

1) The protag is pretty unconcerned about the fact that his other self has robbed a bank. Nice conceit, but I know I’d be freaking out if my other self did anything wrong, not calmly sitting in a café and idly wondering whether his other self was going to be arrested. I’m fine with the idea that the other body does bad things on a regular basis, but I’d expect the protag to be more irritated at the least. This knocks me out of the narrative as it raises plausibility issues.
2) “A kid launched fires at his back like soggy missiles”. Slightly weak simile….It might work for other people, but it brought me out of the narrative when it’s positioned so early. Not a biggie though.

Title: The City of Night
Rating 5

As above, I’m rating tough.

My issue with this one is that most of the opening paragraph is description of the setting, but the setting itself isn’t that interesting. Right now, the story appears to be a stock-standard high fantasy story (i.e. monsters, magic, etc.) whereas as a magazine editor, I’d want a twist on the standard approach to set it apart from the 10 000 versions of this story I’ve seen before. While I’m sure it is different, we can’t tell that from the 1st 13. What is it about the ruins that make it different from ruins in other stories? I suspect it might be an issue of starting point or you might need to have that little observational detail that somehow makes the setting fresh and interesting.

Another minor nit is that you directly tell us that he’s excited…it flattens the scene somewhat and I can’t empathize with the protag.

Title: Blood River Bridge
Rating 6

The opening paragraph is effective, but after that, I think you dilute the hook by delving into back story. I like the imagery of the beginning and it effectively raises the question of “who is the dark man?” but I’d look for a more natural way of getting this information across to us (can it come later)? Good, but it feels like it could be better and the backstory feels like the hand of the author feeding me information rather than letting it come to me naturally.

Title: "Mists of Blackfen Bog"
Rating 5

Nice setting for tension (lost traveller in peril, the strange faces coming out of the mist), but I think you’re straining too hard with some of the description .There’s some really nice observational detail that would give me all I need…i.e. I loved the stink of brown water and the mirror-still shallows and that’s all I needed to have the imagery of the bog. I’d cut the bit about the vapors, the vigilant eye, etc, it’s teetering at the edge of overwriting when you’ve already done a good job of scene setting.

If you cut back to the description to the essentials, I think you could set up the character better…right now I’m not getting a good sense of who the protag is (within the obvious limitations of the 1st 13).

Title: Gregg the Gnome
Rating 4

My critique here is influenced by the fact that I’ve read the story before, but I’ve tried to restrict my comments to the 1st 13 as if I were reading it afresh.

I don’t think this is the right starting place. A disciplinary meeting is boring and if we didn’t have the title, we wouldn’t know this is a speculative story.

The official also comes across as the hand of the author putting information into place, rather than letting the story work naturally. I like the light-hearted feel and I think you need to put more of the whimsy in the 1st 13. the aim of your story is to put a smile on our faces, but the tone doesn't come across in the 1st 13.

The Gift
Rating 5

As with Greg the Gnome, I’ve read a previous version of this story, but I’m trying to read the 1st 13 fresh.

Vagueness is the problem here. There are nice hints of interesting things (the growing younger) but you’re not letting us know what the stakes are in the 1st 13. Why had they escaped? Michael (the presumed POV) knows, so I think we should know at this stage, otherwise it smacks of withholding. “Michael looked good” is an odd line because it’s outside the POV unless it’s clear that he considers himself to look good.

That's exactly how we should be doing this, Nick T. Seven and above should mean it's ready to go, right now; a nine should mean it'll stand out in the slush pile more than an eight or seven, but anything above seven ought to stand a chance of getting into print. (I think sometimes we tend to be more lenient than we should, myself included.)

The City of Night: 3
I blanked out in the first paragraph. "Lightmaster" means nothing to me, I'm not fond of "it" starting opening sentences, and I found the imagery in the fourth sentence jumbled and ponderous. I dislike "tumbled", "ruins", and "crumbling stone" in one sentence. Stretching fingers also seems at odds with ruins unless a corpse or another analogy ties them together.

Blood River Bridge: 3
I lost interest before the end of the third sentence. She's standing motionless watching someone who's watching her. How about starting with more description about him? Why is he worth watching? Or, how about starting with the story of the Dark Man?

Mists of the Blackfen Bog: 8
Even though I've read this before, I flipped the page looking for the next line. (Yes, I printed the first 13s, and "Mists" printed at the bottom of a page.) I like the imagery and foreshadowing, as both create tension. C L also appeals to the sense of smell, which is relevant for a scene set in a bog and often ignored in stories.

War Memorial: 6
I'm hooked, but these lines could benefit from work before publication. The first and second lines seem inappropriate beside each other; the first is about Lamar and the second about the girl. My attention was with Lamar's until "and Lamar frowned" threw me out for a moment.

The Gift: 5
I'm mildly curious but more about the characters than the action. The grammatical error of a capital "she" might put off an editor; I've read this is a pet-peeve for some.

*Edited for grammar, which apparently suffers at 1:30 AM.

"The Other Body" -- 8 -- The first paragraph is an engaging hook. Nice details in setting the scene and tone of the piece. However, while Eddie is pondering the restaurant, I'm wondering why he's not panicking about his thieving other self. Seems like the last two paragraphs should be switched around and this would be a flawless read.

"The City of Night" -- 5 -- I've critiqued this story, so I know where it's going. The hook here is a personal one: anything with ruins in it draws me like flies. But the writing, IMO, is so straightforward that it makes for bland reading. Also, Aronos' first line seems pointless since his friend is standing with him and sees the same ruins. The line shows his passion, yes, but so does the paragraph before it. The exclamation is for the reader's benefit alone, though a reader doesn't need it, so I wish something more ... useful ... were said.

"Blood River Bridge" -- 6 -- This could read more smoothly and some phrasing like "he didn't feel that way to her" could be made more specific and poignant. Though the story starts out like a ghost story that girl scouts tell around a campfire, the opening is hooky for me. I'd keep reading to find out what this Dark Man is all about.

"Gregg the Gnome" -- 6 -- I really like the characters being developed here. Well done on that score. But some of the writing could be tighter: "Notes from the first warning" and "At the time of the first warning" seem unnecessarily wordy, for example.

"War Memorial" -- 8 -- The writing is relatively tight; the jargon seems well researched and authentic. However, Lamar does appear to give the order to switch to manual fire twice. Cutting the first instance would make the opening tighter still. Overall, I'm definitely curious as to why these guys are targeting this strange woman.

"The Gift" -- 6 -- I've critiqued this story before as well, but this opening is drastically different - and stronger - than the versions I've read before. I question the use of the word "silly" as something like "dangerous" might be stronger. Also, the last paragraph could be tighter: "lines here and creases there," for instance.

The Other Body: 7
Besides being hooked on the premise, I would read on to figure out why Eddie is so calm in the face of having to 'worm out of a tough one'(is this a common occurance for him?). Nice writing.

City of Night: 5
I am a fan of quest fantasy and I enjoyed the almost childlike enthusiasm of Aronos. The thing that throws me is the second part is disparate from the first. The description of the valley is interesting (I don't really like stone fingers) but I think it could be better. Lightmaster and dimensionist interest me. I don't care to much for the dialog, seems a bit stiff. Has good potential and I would definately read on.

Mists of Blackfen Bog: 8
I really enjoyed the descriptive writing here. It might be on the edge of overwritten but I like this kind of writing. My only nit would be wanting to know a little more about "I".

Gregg the Gnome: 4
There's not much of a hook here for me except, perhaps, to figure out why Gregg is so complacent about being interrogated.
From the title (that he's a gnome) and the shortness of the story, I would read on but again not too hooky for me.

War Memorial: 7
Nicely written. I liked the dialog, it was natural. I'm left wondering why they would want to kill this strangely clad girl who doesn't seem to be much of a threat, I guess that's the hook for me. I would cut one of the "switch to manual"s.

quote:

---

Given the nature of this challenge, I only would give a 7 or above if I can’t find a reason to criticise the 1st 13…I’m operating on the presumption that editors will only look at stories where the 1st 13 are absolutely flawless
While I’m sure it is different, we can’t tell that from the 1st 13

---

While I have no problem at all with trying to be as objective as possible in the challenge and all that, I do feel a need to mention two things. One, absolutely flawless, in terms of creative works is an inherently subjective concept. Two, and more important, its my personal experience that many markets dont go solely on first 13s...they routinely read the whole story for most or all submissions. I realize that some do use only the first 13 but I feel that because we're restricted to only posting first 13s on hatrack, a little bit to much emphasis is some times placed on this.
Trying to judge a story by 13 lines is like trying to judge a movie by the first 5 minutes or a song by the first 3 notes. My "City of Night" for instance might seem a bit like a "quest fantasy" at first, but it isnt in the usually used sense of that term.

That being said, here are my ratings (although I find it extremely difficult to form an opinion about a couple hundred words personally)

The Other Body-7

Nothing really leaps right out at me, but I think a good, somewhat light humorous tone is set that should be a good draw for those who prefer that type of story. It gets me wondering if this is a world where "other bodies" are the norm or if Eddie is unusual.

Blood River Bridge-6

Only two real problems here for me. One, the first sentence makes it sound like Amelia is tall and grim. Two, the whole Dark Man legend thing should maybe be tackeld right from the outset.

Mists of Blackfen Bog-8

Nice mix of scenery and information and situation

Gregg the Gnome-7

I'm not big on comedy tongue in cheek type stuff, but this seems like a good setup and should atract those who do enjoy the form

War Memorial-9

Not really my cup of tea (although I do like the bit about the guidance shielding) but that aside its extremely well done cant find much to objectively criticise.

The Gift-8

quote:

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Two, and more important, its my personal experience that many markets dont go solely on first 13s...they routinely read the whole story for most or all submissions. I realize that some do use only the first 13 but I feel that because we're restricted to only posting first 13s on hatrack, a little bit to much emphasis is some times placed on this.

---

I hear what you're saying about how much we emphasize the 1st 13 here, but it's still a good exercise. I guess you're right that most markets do read a fair portion of the story for the majority of submissions (I don't think they'd read something clearly flawed all the way through). However, I do think that they are strongly influenced by the impression that the 1st 13 give. It's like a date...if he/she turn up dressed cheaply, smelling of booze, etc. their personality (i.e. the rest of the story) better be outstanding. I think a good 1st 13 give you more wriggle room in the rest of the story. It's not necessarily a conscious thing, but a bad 1st 13 does put me slightly against a story. When it comes to competing against hundreds of submissions (a fair percentage of which will be well-written, interesting stories), I think it's important to make sure our first 13 don't make a *bad* impression. I don't think the 1st 13 has to knock the reader's socks off, but they need to be clean and sharp. That's why I'd only give 7 for something that I couldn't criticise. Hey, before getting married, I was a fussy dater.

Cheers,

Nick

Story Overall-6

Character Development-6: I would like a little better idea of the main character's age and situation although her overall development is good.

Plot-5 The overall progression is good, but for instance we don't really know her connection to Travis or exactly why the Dark Man fixates on her

Ending-5 Mostly as above...I dont mind not knowing all the details in a story like this, but I felt there was little to even give a feel of why what happens happens

Milieu-4 I was pretty confused about the time period here. Its not super important but can be a little distracting

Suspension of Disbelief: I honestly don't know what this catagory is supposed to mean really since anything that isnt believable to me would seem to be a plot thing, but I didnt find anything here non-believable so I guess 8

Unique: This is another weird catagory for me but overall I'm going to say 7

Writing Style-6 Good for the most part, but there were some places with slightly odd word order and what felt to me like a few to many adjectives for the overall style.

Dialogue and Action: There wasnt really any of either of these to rate.

Understandable-5 I had only some possible theories of what was happening here, but not nearly as much as I would have liked.

Story overall: 6

Character development: 7. All well-developed characters, I thought, but not particularly likeable. I had a hard time finding someone to root for.

Plot: 6. I was confused at points. It took me awhile to figure out what was going on with the brewers, but once it was explained, I got it. What I don’t have a good grasp on is the infection. Why infect people? And how is that related to the brewers?

Ending: 8. Nice ending, although I think it should be introduced much earlier in the story that Lamar had a son.

Milieu: 7. Nothing much to say here. The milieu isn’t the point of the story and doesn’t get a lot of development, but that doesn't bother me.

Suspension of disbelief: 7

Unique: 6.

Writing style: 5. Here’s where the story can most improve, I think. There's a lot of wordiness. What this really needs is a good, hard edit, for grammar, punctuation and tightness. Cut 10 to 15 percent of the word count and it would be a much better story.

Dialogue and action: Dialogue gets a 7. I like the rhythm of Lamar’s speech, and everyone speaks naturally. Action gets a 6 because, at times, I felt it dragged. Again, a strong edit could go a long way toward fixing this.

First one today, I'll try and get onto the others I've privately critiqued later.

Regards,

Nick

The other body

Overall: 6
This story has wonderful potential. The issue I encountered was that I didn't clearly understand how the two bodies worked until the end action of the story.

Character Development: 6
I began caring about Eddie on page 11, when his emotions became realistic. IMO, he needs to have stronger reactions to Isaac's dangerous behavior to make me care about him sooner. After p.11, however, I greatly enjoyed Eddie's character -- the good one and the evil one.

Plot: 7
Basically, a guy with a memory block and dual personalities has to settle with his traumatic childhood. The angle -- dual bodies as well as dual personalities -- makes the old plot-line interesting.

Satisfactory Ending: 6
I liked the resolution that Eddie finds in recovering his memory, as well as his willingness to suffer the consequences of his other personality's actions, but found the dialog in the last couple of pages a little less original than I expected.

Milieu: 7
Generally very nice details of place -- the restaurant, Mom's house, the neighbor's yard, all very vivid with the words you chose to use.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 3
I was buying the dual body thing until page 9 when it was stated that Eddie was aware of Isaac but that Isaac could hide awareness of Eddie. At this point, I didn't understand how the dual personality was functioning inside the dual bodies. Complicated, yep.

Unique: 7

Writing Style: 8
I loved the cynical tone used in some of the descriptions. Words were chosen well for impact and image.

Dialog: 6
Until the last couple of pages I enjoyed the natural flow of the dialog, the attitude of both personalities, and so on. The last exchange could be kicked up a notch or two, IMO.

Action: 8
There's lots of it; it flows well and was clearly written and believable.

Understandable: 4
My comments on "Willing Susp of Disbelief" above explain my concern.

(I'm not sure what NickT is referring to as a flashback. As I recall there's only one, at the end, when Eddie regains his memory. The rest is current action and didn't faze me in the slightest. I thought the pacing was fast and enjoyable.)

quote:

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(I'm not sure what NickT is referring to as a flashback. As I recall there's only one, at the end, when Eddie regains his memory. The rest is current action and didn't faze me in the slightest. I thought the pacing was fast and enjoyable.)

---

Perhaps flashback isn't the correct term. Basically I'm talking about where there's any jump in "time" in the narrative. For example, right at the beginning of Jennifer's story, there is a temporal jump back to when Eddie is thinking about his mother and how she's complaining that she can't meet girls working as a security guard.

Don't get me wrong, I thought the flow of action could be the strongest part of this story, but, for me, I was thrown out of the action two or three times by "flashbacks".

It should be noted that I'm going by the standard of "7" is as good as published material in the pro-markets.

War Memorial
by Nick T

Overall: 6
I really enjoyed this story, so I'd like to give it a higher overall average, but there was one section that confounded me and caused me to raise questions.

Plot: 8
Very exciting and well constructed.

Satisfactory Ending: 7
The story ended more upbeat than I expected, but it works.

Milieu: 7
I like details of setting and atmosphere. This story had the bare minimum.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 6
This grade would be higher if the "Understandable" grade were higher, since I can't readily believe what I don't fully get.

Unique: 8
Though the story is about a guy fighting drug cartels, the angle is so nice. DNA that turns food into drug ingredients in the body, pee collectors? Excellent ideas.

Writing Style: 6
I want to give this a higher grade for metaphor, consistent gritty voice, but I can always find suggestions concerning word choice, some obscure phrasing, etc. Though as far as I'm concerned the style employed here had very little that could be improved upon.

Dialog: 8
Grit, bad grammar, it worked well.

Action: 8
Definitely kept me riveted.

Overall: 5
This story has undergone some major changes since I first read it, but there are still parts that aren't working for me.

Character Development: 5
Marta goes through a complicated and difficult moment. And her mother and sisters show slight menacing, mysterious qualities, but these could be developed more.

Plot: 7
The stray Fate returns home to her old job. Duty, sad.

Satisfactory Ending: 7
First time I read the conclusion my jaw dropped.

Milieu: 7
This draft has greatly improved on details of the house and provides enough to set a deceptively warm mood.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 6
If the mother hadn't stepped in to fill Marta's place, I couldn't have bought the idea. But I still have a problem with why it's Michael's time to die. He forgoes a coat in the cold, but he's not sick, so what's the reason? Seems random.

Unique: 8
The Fates have been used a lot throughout literature, but I've never read of one of them going off on her own.

Writing Style: 5
There are lovely descriptions beside sections that could use more attention, and I don't know if it counts as part of style, but the consistent punctuation issues have got to offend editors.

Dialog: 3
There's lots of needless repetition here. Surely these women have more to say to one another than Welcome home.

Action: 6
LAJD, in this draft you started to show a conflict between Michael and the mother, which is a good idea and could be developed more for conflict's sake. The story is a quiet one, yes, and most of the action takes place inside Marta. She's nervous about going home, but when she gets home, things go well. They could go less well and I'd feel for Marta more.

Overall: 5

Character Development: 5
The idea of gnomes is precious, and at times I felt really sorry for Gregg, though I might have cared for him more deeply if his motivations were explained earlier and were more moving than crushed flowers. (Though the flowers and the Styrofoam cup certainly equal one another in gravity)

Plot: 7
Simply done, but clearly -- a gnome who suffers for what he believes is right.

Satisfactory Ending: 6
The last three short paragraphs are wonderful and build up to a hilarious conclusion. The couple of paragraphs before that, however, nearly lost my interest -- the tension goes away. Though in retrospection I suppose this accepting community might soon change its mind about this city gnome.

Milieu: 4
The story begs for more charming details about the tunnels and appearances of the gnomes themselves, their mannerisms and ways of functioning.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 7
I had no trouble accepting the possibility that gnomes run our lights. They malfunction often enough.

Unique: 8
The gnome-in-the-traffic-light idea is so much fun!

Writing Style: 3
I feel that a lot more attention ought to be given to word choice and phrasing.

Dialog: 6
The opening dialog -- all the warning this and warning that -- was a little overwhelming. The rest was all right, emotions and accents conveyed well.

Action: 7
A quiet story. But "action" need not be ray guns blazing.

Overall: 4
I feel this story still needs lots of work.

Character Development: 6
The poor beat-down little girl worked for me, but the villains didn't. And the villains need as much development as the heroes. The Dark Man left me with a few questions. Also, the Dad, as another sort of villain, was just pathetic, so if I was supposed to feel that his death is justified, his character development misses the mark as well.

Plot: 4
Why open the victims' bellies? And after Dad disappears and the snow arrives, the story sags.

Satisfactory Ending: 5
Shouldn't it be creepy that this child wants to go with the ghost who killed her father? But the ending reads wistfully. Like this is the best decision she could've made. Hmm.

Milieu: 5
I wasn't sure if this story took place long ago or in the present day. The pocket watch, introduced near the end, at least hints that the story is set before wrist watches came into use.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 5
I couldn't buy the deaths of the Dark Man's family. Or that Amelia would willingly go with the ghost in the end.

Unique: 5
This is a campfire story through and through. The ghost wants revenge. The child is picked on. The dad's a drunk.

Writing Style: 2
Honestly, I kept asking myself if this story had seen a single revision. I couldn't help line-editing this one.

Dialog: 6
The little that there was read naturally. But the Dad could come across as less likable still.

Action: 5
There was a lot of repetition in the action, which means tightening is needed.

Overall: 5

Character Development: 5
I'm not sure how old or disciplined Aronos is supposed to be, but he seems very child-like. Zorthas is his one-dimensional sidekick and conscience. While their relationship is endearing, their origins are obscure and both characters could show more depth and complexity.

Plot: 6
A quest for a lost civilization. That's always fun, but their motives for going -- other than Aronos's curiosity -- are never explained.

Satisfactory Ending: 7

Milieu: 7
A city cloaked in perpetual night and found only through a magic portal? Cool.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 6
A couple of times Aronos waits until the most critical moment to use a powerful spell that would've prevented the situation in the first place.

Unique: 6
The idea of the City was new to me; the quest for it under a mountain not so. There's clearly lots of Tolkienish influence throughout the story. As far as I'm concerned, the idea of Lightmaster and Dimensionist greatly raise this score.

Writing Style: 4
Not a lot of interesting word choice here to really make the scenes and people consistently pop out at me. There's also quite a bit of old-fashioned and cliched phrasing.

Slowly getting through them.

Nick

Blood River Bridge
by tempest
Overall: 4

While the building blocks to a good, creepy story are here, there are some fundamental flaws that stop it working as a story. First and foremost is a passive protagonist, which amplifies other problems in the story.

Character Development: 3

The protagonist initially has our sympathy as she’s bullied, but she watches everything happen to her and there’s only so long our sympathy holds for passive protagonists. She’s a passive/victim protagonist and that makes it hard for a plot to work. You need to make her do something. It doesn’t have to dramatic or obvious (and in fact, may reemphasize her helplessness), but the story is happening to someone else. Either make her the focus of the story or examine the story from someone else’s viewpoint.
Everyone else in the story was underdeveloped, because our protag doesn’t do anything. The way the other characters react to the protag’s actions tell us about their characters. If they just do things to her for no apparent reason, then they remain blanks to us. An unknowable villain such as your Dark Man can work, but they have to both define the protagonist and have something else memorable about them.

Plot: 4
Closely allied to the passive protagonist; there’s no plot here, just things happening. As soon as the protag does something, we have a plot. As it is, we don’t know why things happen.
Satisfactory Ending: 4

The tone of the ending was uneven. Is it really logical for our protag to leave with the Dark Man? As noted by CL Lynn, it almost seems as if the protag willingly goes with the Dark Man (is she suicidal). Why? Because she’s passive, we don’t really know anything about her and thus we can’t make sense of her actions.
Milieu: 6

I didn’t have a real problem with the setting; while I didn’t get a strong sense of “place” from the story, neither did anything seem jarringly out of place. A better idea of setting always helps cover other weaknesses in a story though.
Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 4

Mostly lost marks here for the ending. It simply isn’t plausible at the moment.

Unique: 5
The story is fairly generic, though I don’t feel that this matters so much if the characterisation and plot are good. It’s not a plot that is so overdone that you can tell how it’s going to end simply from reading the first 13, but it’s definitely not a story where you can skate by on concept.

Writing Style: 5

Badly needs a line edit, but the building blocks for telling a story are there. Standard submission format (if possible, computers are a bugger) for these sort of challenges should probably be a rule if we’re judging readiness for submission.

Dialog: 6

Very little dialogue, but it’s mostly fine.
Action: 4

Not a lot of what I think of as “action” (the protagonist making choices and decisions) due to the passive protagonist. The action in terms of things happening is a bit repetitive.

Understand: 7

Story Overall-6 Its a good piece. I would rate it higher, but any higher is supposed to mean it is in fact ready for the markets and I think it needs just a couple teensy tweeks.

Character Development-7 Within the context of such a very short story, I think theres a decent amount of depth in at least some characters. Michael is not very developed but i dont think theres much avoiding that at this length

Plot-8 I think this could be called "concept" here, again due to the length. The concept is well handled and interesting.

Milieu-I dont really think this plays enough part in this story to rate.

Unique-8 I dont remember having seen this specific concept before.

Writing Style-6I'm starting to get unclear on what this catagory is supposed to represent. There were a couple of spots that felt like text was missing, such as when Michael falls asleep, but the overall aesthetic qualities were quite good in my opinion

Dialogue-7 Not a lot of it, but whats there is pretty good I think

Action-Not enough to rate

The Gift
by LAJD

Overall: 6

Character Development: 6
Their personalities are distinct and reflect their roles, yet I lost track of who was who a few times.

Plot: 7

Satisfactory Ending: 7
The conclusion is undoubtedly the most powerful part of this story. Readers' tears may fall if the rest is strengthened.

Milieu: 7

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 7
I saw the thread falling at the end as symbolic; Marta again decides when people die and remembers she'll one day cut Michael's life. The family prefers she lets him go sooner rather than later.

Unique: 7

Writing Style: 5
My comments here were the same as C L's.

Dialog: 4
Again, repetition.

Action: 7
The action is subtle, which works for this story.

Understandable: 8

*Edit to correct spelling.

Overall:5
I enjoyed the concept of the story and would have liked more development.

Character Development: 4
Gregg was a likeable character that could have been developed in more depth. He was the best part of the story and I wanted to know more about his life in the tunnels before moving.

Plot: 6
Plot moved well enough. It took a while to reveal why he was discriminatory concerning color.

Satisfactory Ending: 8
The ending was satisfying and humorous.

Milieu: 4
I wished for more of the descriptive quaintness of the tunnels.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 4
I had some trouble with the Gnomes controlling the lights, even as an exchange with humans for metals and other goods. It just seemed a little odd (especially with expensive sports cars zipping around carelessly).

Unique: 8
Though I had issue with light control, I liked the development, it made a good story.

Writing style: 4
Some of the phrasing was a bit awkward, sometimes confusing. The writing towards the end was much smoother.

Dialog: 5
The dialog in the beginning was more natural than the dialog in the tunnels.

Action: 7
Seemed fine.

Understandability: 7
The story was clear.

Overall: 8
A well done story.

Character Development: 6
Enough depth was provided for Marta, but at the visit I got a bit confused at certain points as to who was who. I found myself looking back to figure it out.

Plot: 7
It moved along well.

Milieu: 7(?)

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 6
I found her being a Fate believable. I had trouble with why Michael's string had to be cut. It was almost like he was dispensable because it was time for her to come home. If perhaps he was sick, then her mother would bring her home because Marta's time with him was done- something that explains the timing.

Unique: 8
I have run across similar ideas but I think it was handled very well and uniquely here.

Writing Style: 7
I liked the writing, it felt natural. There were good descriptions and detail(I liked the big silver shears).

Action: 7

Understandable: 8
Appropriately clear.

Satisfactory Ending: 8
Ending was great, tied the story up neatly.

(edited to add Satisfactory Ending- I forgot)

Overall: 5

Character development: 5. The protagonist is well-drawn but she’s passive. The antagonists aren’t as well-developed. The father is drunken and neglectful but I don’t get much more out of him. The mean boys aren’t people so much as plot devices.

Plot: 4. My main concern here is that the plot is completely driven by the Dark Man, who is barely seen. The protagonist does very little. You’d have a stronger plotline if the girl realized right off she was confronting a serious problem (i.e. the Dark Man is killing people on her behalf) and the story was about her attempting to solve the problem, which she either accomplishes or doesn’t.

Satisfactory ending: 4. I don’t mind the girl going off into the forest with the Dark Man, but I’d like to understand why the offer was made and why she accepts it.

Milieu: 5. Seems like a typical fantasy town.

Willing suspension of disbelief: 6

Unique: 5. The relationship between the girl and her father is one I’ve seen before. The idea of a town legend of a vengeful ghost, also not new. Then again, I rarely see an idea that is completely fresh. It’s presentation that makes the story.

Writing style: 6. Pretty good. Could be tighter.

Dialog: 5. There’s very little of it, so this is a hard one to gauge.

Action: 5. Same issue here as above: the protagonist doesn’t drive any of the action.

Story overall: 6

Character development: 5-
There were a lot of characters for an 8500 word story. However the MC was pretty well developed, but the girl and young assistant felt lighter than I would have expected. I did like the surprise of Alvarez as a woman interesting twist.

Plot: 6.
This plot is unique and interesting, but needs some work.

Ending: 6.
Not sure the happy ending fits in with the earlier part of the story, it felt disconnected, to me. Lamar was so harsh and then takes in the girl? I had a hard time with this.

Milieu:6
I liked the rough urban setting but was still confused at points about who was where and why.

Suspension of disbelief: 6
I had a hard time with the prion disease, but I am a molecular biologist and I pick at things like that.

Unique: 7.
Very interesting idea of addiction as a business strategy taken to an extreme. I like it.

Writing style: 6
This story needs tightening. There seems to be extraneous discussion and action in certain points.

Dialogue (5) and action (7):
I found the dialog a bit un-natural at points and use of idiom inconsistent within the characters. Some of the dialog was quite good though.

Understandable: 5.
I did not see how the prion disease actually worked, but then I may be reading my own information into this.

Leslie

Gregg the Gnome

Story overall:

I like the idea of the gnomes working stuff for humans so as to reduce energy consumption. I'd like to see more detail, to know more than generically how it feels to be in the gnome community. But more, Gregg's misbehaviour needs a credible logic; when he's simply odd, I don't feel sympathy for him. (I suppose the ending with penalizing yellow cars is meant to explain him; but I think we need to understand character motivation earlier than at the end to sympathise enough to read the story.) I loathe mindless bureaucrats but on this occassion they seem to be right.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 3

plot -- 5

satisfactory ending -- 5

milieu -- 3

willing suspension of disbelief -- 4

unique/never been done before -- 7

writing style -- 5

dialogue -- 4

action -- 4

understandable ("I get it") -- 6

Blood River Bridge

Story overall: Sorry, I didn't get it. Way too bleak for my taste. Which may mean little, since I often find published stories too obscure and bleak for my taste: there seems to be a market for such stories.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 4

For me, the father is only generically bad, and the man in the woods too distant. I'd like to see a more rounded personality in the father, for the man in the woods to play an active part, and for Amelia to be more than an onlooker in her story.

plot -- 2

satisfactory ending -- 2

milieu -- 4

willing suspension of disbelief -- 4

unique/never been done before -- 4

writing style -- 5

dialogue -- 2

action -- 4

understandable ("I get it") -- 2

The City of Night

Story overall: It's colourful and the writing's okay, but it's what I call a 'series of events' story. The characters move from one event to another, without clear motivation and with no foreshadowing. The reader cannot guess what might happen next, cannot worry about the choices the characters make, so there's no tension, little immersion.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 4

plot -- 2

The heart of the story appears to be Oshren's story of the Vorestros, but we seem to have arrived too late to witness it. We don't even meet Oshren, we don't hear his words; the narrator gives us history, which I don't care for. And anyway, why'd he meet them? (Also, he's supposed to have asked the remaining Vorestros to kill him, and in the narrator's words "they complied" -- yet he's still alive.)

satisfactory ending -- 2

milieu -- 5

willing suspension of disbelief -- 4

unique/never been done before -- 2

writing style -- 5

dialogue -- 5

action -- 6

understandable ("I get it") -- 4

The Other Body

Story overall: This story grabbed me and kept me reading right through, though it flagged a bit when we got into Issac's memories of the night the father died. The concurrent experiences of interviewing Beth and the car chase were well handled--moved the story along at a good pace and I never got confused.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 8

plot -- 7

I thought the answer to "why would Isaac misbehave now?" was a little forced. Also, the brat kid throwing food seemed an unnecessary distraction, hard to believe in a public restaurant. (Maybe I don't get out enough; I've seen lots of bad behaviour but never that.)

satisfactory ending -- 8

milieu -- 8

willing suspension of disbelief -- 7

I'm in two minds about this. I kinda like the idea of the physical separation disorder and it was interesting to explore the consequences. But it was the only odd thing in an otherwise normal world so it didn't quite make sense; it would have made perfect sense in a world where other insane things also happened.

unique/never been done before -- 8

writing style -- 9

I do like the energetic writing style.

dialogue -- 8

action -- 8

understandable ("I get it") -- 8

The Gift

Story overall: It took me a couple of readings to get it. Clever idea, poetic perhaps. I think the ending would be more satisfying if there were a reason that Michael had to die now, one that Marta could understand, even if she doesn't like it. Also, since we're in Marta's POV, a better sense of her relationship with her family would be helpful and not inappropriate: she doesn't seem surprised by what happens, but we don't know why. Her family don't come across as other-wordly, not until after reading it and deciding it doesn't make sense unless they're not of our world. I'd suggest some mysteries in Marta, some things that Michael doesn't understand, to make her seem other-wordly from the start.

Story characteristics:

character development -- 5

I believe that with stronger characters for Marta, her mother and Michael (less so the sisters) you could better express their history, loves and pains.

plot -- 7

satisfactory ending -- 5

milieu -- 6

willing suspension of disbelief -- 7

unique/never been done before -- 7

writing style -- 6

Some errors of capitalization and punctuation--small but distracting. For example, it should be ' “Maybe,” she said.' (lower case 's') and I think one or two commas should be full stops.

dialogue -- 6

action -- 6

understandable ("I get it") -- 5

I hope this helps.

The Other Body
Story overall: I liked this story. It was a fast paced read that kept me engaged. I found few things confusing and felt that the resolution was a bit rushed but all in all, a very good read.

Story characteristics:
character development -- 4 I felt that Isaac was a little undeveloped in the story, and since he was so pivotal, I saw that as a problem. The characters to me felt a little one-dimensional. Mom seemed like she was bad, and then good.


plot – 6 I liked the plot I thought it was interesting. I think there’s some work to do on the specifics around the multiple bodies and multiple personalities. As I mentioned above I thought the resolution was a little rushed, but I think this plot has great possibilities and is pretty darn close.

satisfactory ending --7 I was not sure what to think about the ending, I’m glad he didn’t get the girl; I’m glad it wasn’t just a happy ending. But I’m not sure that I expected what happened either. Perhaps the ending is pretty good because it has me puzzling over what the story meant.

milieu – 7 This seems fine to me, it really didn’t play into the story very much. I did love some of the descriptions that you had around the Christmas decorations.
willing suspension of disbelief – 6 I would rate this higher if I really felt like I understood the multiple body multiple personality disorders. I just got a little bit confused and that made me wonder where you were going.

unique/never been done before – 8 Never read anything like this before.

writing style – 8 I like your style it’s fast-paced and energetic. Your work is easy to read and fun.

dialogue – 7 The dialogue was quite good, I made a few suggestions on places where you might improve a bit.

action – 7 The action was very good. Your description of it put me in the middle of it.

understandable ("I get it") – 8 Yep, I get it. 8)

Thanks everyone for participating. I hope the grades and the scores will help in the revisions.

Cheers,
Pat

*Edit* Wrong person. I didn't have anything owing from you did I? I've still got to post one critique (which I've done privately) but my internet has been pretty flacky.

Send through the novella, obviously won't get it done in a week or two, but I'm almost free of critiques at the moment.

Nick

[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited January 31, 2009).]

Blood River
Story overall: Wow, this was dark. OK, I do read dark things but only in little bits. This story made me think of Stephen King, Carrie and IT. The only real problem that I saw with this was that I could not see her reacting so mildly to the three deaths laid out before her, and presumably in her honor. She seemed a bit blasé about that.

Story characteristics:
character development – 5—Amelia is the only character that I felt I knew much about. It seemed strange that the Dark Man would take her Dad, because he did not seem that bad to me. Also, Amelia did not see that disturbed by her discovery that the boy, girl and her dad were all victims of the Dark Man. .


plot – 5- note my comment above about the deaths, I think that is, for me, the one substantial issue with tthis story.

satisfactory ending --6 Creepy but satisfactory, I guess. I am not sure I like stories where everybody dies.

milieu – 7— In particular I liked your descriptions of the snow and the river with the bodies. The contrast between the dreariness of the dirt & leaves and her life, with the clean snow. .

willing suspension of disbelief – 7-- You did a nice job of taking the pain that a bully causes to the next level. It worked for me.

unique/never been done before – 5—In a way, this felt very Carrie-like. You might be able to pull away from this by making the other characters deeper or increasing the interaction with the Dark Man. As it is, I started thinking about Carrie after the incident with her jacket.

writing style – 7. The writing was good, it flowed and was quite readable. However, I am not a fan of this style of writing. That said, even though I am not a fan, I enjoyed reading this.

dialogue – 5-- But there was not enough to really rate. Actually, I found it problematic that there was not much dialog. It may be a personal thing for me, but I like dialog and find it hard to read stories that are either very internal like this one or narratives.

action – 6—The action seemed vague and dream-like. I think that was because it was very internal. It did not hurt the story though, but I might tighten it up in places. I noted that in my in-line comments..

understandable ("I get it") – 8—No problems here. I get it and it made me shiver.

I will get the rest of the crits done this weekend. I was hoping that I could still post here even though I might not get CL and Aspirit's done tonight. I don't think I owe anyone else a crit, but if I do please do let me know. I would be happy to crit.

Thanks and apologies for my extreme tardiness this month.

Leslie

Cheers,
Pat

Mists of Blackfen Fog
by C. L. Lynn

Overall: 7

I'm not sure why this story strikes such a deep cord with me; it's not the length or subject of stories I usually read. Maybe I appreciate the emphasis on nature and the MC's spiritual struggle. The story also manages to fit in romance and an unusual final battle.

I saw a few minor errors. At this moment I don't recall where they were, so I can't produce proof.

Character Development: 8

Imaen grows organically. The living children were believable and endearing; I admire Fallow's persistent sense of humor in such a dreadful place and was charmed by Jonquil's affectionate nature. The other adults were easy to differentiate and entertaining.

Plot: 8

Satisfactory Ending: 7

When Imaen revealed her solution to the haunting, I worried the end might go in a different direction. After all the pain, I wanted as much goodness as possible. I was not disappointed.

Milieu: 9

Entirely appropriate and intimately described. None of the figures of speech were jarring, which is surprising, considering the number of them.

Willing Suspension of Disbelief: 8

Unique: 8

Writing Style: 8

Descriptive and beautiful (as far is appropriate for a bog).

Dialog: 8

I especially enjoyed the subtle accents.

Action: 8

Clear, appropriate, and in balance with exposition.

Mists of Blackfen Bog
Story overall: I did a little experimentation with this story, because I have read it before. I had been wondering if I would see a story differently if I read it in a traditional book format rather than on my computer screen or an 8.5 x 11 paper. So I sent Mists to my Kindle. You know, I think I did read it differently. Although I did mark passages and make notes, my comments were more around flow and less around details. I also found I enjoyed this story more than I ever had before. I am going to play with this as a concept further but I think that for me, reading stories that are nearing publication quality in publication format is helpful.

I like this story more than I had before. It was always an interesting tale with a nice ending but the characters are richer now and the story flows well. The multiple conflicts twist together in ways that enhance the whole. Nice job CL.

Story characteristics:

character development – 7—The only reason that I do not score this an 8 is because it still feels like Braec is too passive. I just cannot see someone who starts out so strong behaving like such a wimp during the first go-round with Engrim at the Temple. I like Imaen, she feels alive to me and I love Joni. I do think that Joni needs to play a larger role in the final conflict and the resolution. She has such a large role right up and including the aftermath of the the initial conflict at the temple, but then she steps back. It would be more predictable, but more compelling if her name were picked and her loved ones had to deal with the implications. Braec faced with essentially having his lover or his child put to death. Good stuff, that.


plot – 7- What I said above about Joni also goes to my issue about the plot. She is so much in the forefront in the majority of the story that it feels odd that she does not play a pivotal role in the last clash.

One thing I really liked was your use of the dates for each chapter, counting down to Equinox, to build the tension. Since you started that in the middle of the story and in keeping with the events, it was clear that it was part of the story and raised the tension of each chapter. Very nicely done.

satisfactory ending --8 I like a happy ending and this one makes sense. The bad guy gets it, the ghosts go to heaven, everyone’s faith is restored and the girl gets the guy.

milieu – 7—The descriptions of the bog, its people and environment, and the priesthood are rich. In some cases, so rich they overpower the narrative. I think I have said this before, but this is the case for the beginning of the story. I would suggest that you dial that back a bit, but not too much.

willing suspension of disbelief – 8—No problems there, I was right in the story all the way to the end. With the small caveats noted above.

unique/never been done before –7—I do not normally read this kind of fantasy so I cannot be sure, but this seems unique to me.

writing style – 8—Good and well paced.

dialogue – 7—I had a couple of minor issues with some word useage. I noted that in the document that I sent to you. Nothing big just a couple of questions..

action – 7—I like the flow of the action, the pacing around bulding to the conflicts and the resolution, in general, was good. I did note above my concern about Braec’s role in the first trip to the temple and Joni’s slipping out of the action at the end.

understandable ("I get it") – 8—No issues at all.

Story overall: I have read this story a couple of times before. I think the idea of Gnomes in cahoots with people to control traffic lights is cute and novel. I like stories that have the magical intertwined with everyday life. I do have a hard time with the inquisition in the beginning. I think this could work, but I would need to have more color around the motivations and agenda of the young inquisitor. I will comment below on specifics.

Story characteristics:

character development –4—I don’t think I understand Gregg’s character. He does not really react to his change of status. Also, it would help if the inquisitior were more rounded as a character.

plot – 4--I like the idea that he is being bad and has to be essentially demoted, but the red/yellow car fetish could use additional explanation. If it is some random thing, that is fine but I would like to know that.

satisfactory ending – 4—This goes hand in hand with the plot.

milieu – 5—I liked the description of the city and then the country. I think if you did the same with the inquisition, the story would benefit.

willing suspension of disbelief – 4—I found the plot and character questions made suspension difficult.

unique/never been done before – 8—Never seen anything like it, it’s a cute idea.

writing style – 4—The problems that I discussed above were partly due to writing style.

dialogue – 3—The dialog did not seem natural for me, I found myself wondering if
the inquisitor, in particular, would talk like that.

action – 5—

understandable ("I get it") -- 6

quote:

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If you want to discuss the value or otherwise of RFM please do so either here or in the Feb RFM invitation in Open Discussions[...] Are they too often? Too tough? Too lenient?

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I want to thank everyone for commenting! The grading system helps put story elements in perspective, and I think people are more open here than in Fragments and Feedback. As for frequency, every month seems to work, because we can participate or not depending on our needs.