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Author Topic: 13 Hook Challenge # 2 entries
snapper
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Entry # 1

The Spec in My Eye

It was one of the most painful things I ever did, and this time I was doing it to myself. But I had to know if I was human.

Until now, I never used a local anesthetic, but the Jim Bean was another story. It was real useful when I poured it on an open wound. I took another swig and looked in the mirror. I wasn’t quite drunk; but then again, I needed to keep as much of my mental faculties as possible while I made the incisions.

All my tools were there in front of me. Most of them were usually just for effect. I placed the clamp over my left eye, attached it to the lid and lower socket, and picked up my scalpel. As the Good Book says, ‘It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.’ That spec in my eye had thrown me into hell enough times.

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snapper
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Entry # 2

Disposable Razor

Jason waited. The target always left early, usually taking the backdoor. A bodyguard stepped out, eyeing Jason as he went by.
That’s right, only a kid on a skateboard rolling through an alley, nothing to worry about.
The target stepped out with two more guards. Jason drew his silencer and stepped off the board. His first shot went through the nearest guard’s ear. His next shot put a hole in the second guard’s forehead while the man attempted to draw his weapon. The last guard jumped on the target. Jason fired four times into his back, walked up and put a fifth into his brain. Jason pushed the dead man off and pointed his weapon into the targets face. The look of terror in the woman’s eyes changed to recognition.
“Jason? Is that you?”

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 15, 2009).]


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snapper
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Entry # 3

The Unkindest Cut

For the third time that week, the insistent warbling of the holophone
interrupted Jason's breakfast. Grumbling, he thumbed it on, knowing
that it would be the Controller.
"Good morning Jason. We have another assignment for you."
"Who is the subject?"
"I'm uploading his data sheet to your pod now. The Council has
evaluated him as threat level seven, so please move on him today."
Crisp, concise and businesslike, as always.
"Will do," Jason replied, but the Controller was already gone. Jason
shrugged and went back to his adobo; then before his left eye, he saw a
momentary flash of something half-remembered, something he couldn't
quite catch. "Damn chip acting up again," he muttered to himself.
"I'll have to get it replaced."


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snapper
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Entry # 4

Dreaming Razors

The past is quiet and dead. The future is never. Jason knows nothing other than this moment this time this now. He is an animal of instinct and training; no motives, no questions, just fluid and precise movement and action for the task at hand.
But as he sights on his latest target, he remembers his seventh birthday party. There were seven candles. He remembers the other children clapping and laughing and singing. He remembers them telling him to blow out the candles. He remembers grabbing one of the lit candles and sticking it into the eye of the child closest to him. He knows this memory.
Jason remembers knows that the child's name was Donny, and that Donny had the most kills up to that point. Jason's tally of kills has him in second. At least until Donny died.
The memory does not interfere with the shot.


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snapper
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Entry # 5

The Virus

Jason looked through his scope. It was aimed at the head of a Vietnamese woman. She paced the balcony of her high rise apartment holding a baby to her chest. Jason pulled the trigger and the woman collapsed. He picked up his sniper and turned to go.
His mind replayed in slow motion the woman falling. He paused in mid step. Something was wrong. He shouldn’t be able to remember her. He closed his eyes but could only see the same woman falling, still clutching the screaming infant. His hands shook as leaned against the wall. What kind of monster kills a woman holding a baby?
He didn’t know how long he’d been an assassin. He didn’t even know how many people he’d killed. Twenty-three. He shouldn’t know that.


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snapper
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Entry # 6

Title:The Broken Blade

Jason pressed his back tight against the tree behind him. The computer screen scrolled in his left eye showing the mark, a perfect match for that of the overweight man opening the balcony doors to the nighttime sky. The man’s robe fell open, and Jason turned away. Damn. He hadn’t needed to see that. He gave it a moment, then looked back, a stunning woman joined the man, nestling her curves against his flesh.

Jason palmed his knife, stepped forward, then fell. Pain stabbed his consciousness and dropped him to his knees, as his hands sought his ears. A woman flashed in a drawn out scene before him, her face masked in pain, her eyes in fear. No! She wasn't real. He shook his head and stumbled to his feet, forcing the haunting image to retreat. Was she?


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snapper
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Entry # 7

Sense of Justice
Jason smiled at the tiny, pouty toddler in front of him, and winked at the girl's mother. He'd been reforming the demo shoe with the design stylus for the last half-hour, but the little girl still hadn't made a decision about what shoe to buy.
"Okay, princess" he said, snapping his fingers. "I've got it. How about pink, with the running unicorns? Then you get both."
He changed color of the canvas background, and animated the unicorns, so that they started catering around. A man's face and name blazed across the vision of Jason's left eye. He wondered for a moment if he was hallucinating. Who was Roman Garcia and why was his face in Jason's eye? And then Jason didn't care.
Garcia was a threat—to Jason, to the baby in front of him, to the whole universe. Garcia was breathing, and that was wrong.


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snapper
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Entry # 8

In His Own Image

Jason hurdled the gravesite headstone. The young teenaged victim's grunt of fright didn’t sound until Jason already had him pinned to the ground with a knee to his throat.
"We will discuss your willingness to forego your current hatred for my kind." Jason pulled the teen's leg up over his torso, then pared his shoe off with precise flicks of his knife. His chip claimed this was a new target. He noticed the tears already drawn across the teen's face. His subconscious insisted the chip was wrong. This teen didn't warrant RAZOR interrogation. He scraped the blade’s tip across the bottom of the teen's foot. The teen's struggling went nearly unnoticed. "We will discuss your new job of assisting me in uncovering what's wrong with my chip." Jason felt the blood drip down his hand. "We will also discuss your willingness to forgive me for killing your father."

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 18, 2009).]


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snapper
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Entry # 9

Deviant

The halls of the new museum of fine arts were largely empty except for a few frumpy patrons gawking or stooping over the holo-screens. People, in general, always looked a bit uncouth to Jason. They were an ungraceful lot not worthy of his attention. He had a comforting term for them that he had as long as he could remember: non-entities. He barely noticed them. In fact, they tended disappear altogether except for one.
Jason watched as the youngish woman with precisely placed hair in a well tailored gray suit approach him. He saw her in sharp focus and became exhilerated. Jason relished finding his targets. Every detail became an object of facination. Her eyes were bright and pupils slightly dialated. Her lips were parted and perfectly rouged. There way a slight sway of the hips in her walk. She was clearly flirting. Jason decided to pretend.


[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 19, 2009).]


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snapper
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Entry # 10


The Obscured Claw


The superheated plasma flew a over a mile before it struck the left side of Derval Serjanassi's face. Jason watched through the scope as half of Derval's head simply ceased to be and his twitching body slumped across the naked body of the young girl he’d been bedding.
"Sh*t." Jason shook his head and lay the rifle on the roof-top. Goddam one-time weapons. The plasma should have struck Derval behind the ear. Already the gun was smoking and twisting as it consumed itself with an energy spike.
With precise movements Jason stripped of the shadow skin covering his body and chucked it onto the smouldering weapon. Even now, Jason couldn't remember the mark's name; hunter software stalked his memories like thieves. Jason froze--something was wrong...


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snapper
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Times up! You may start voting.

And LAJD, I need your synopsis.


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philocinemas
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All right, I had the day off so I went ahead and got this out of the way. Everyone did a great job; I had a hard time choosing. Here's my honest critiques:


Entry #1: The Spec in My Eye
I liked the opening sentence and the voice of the character. First person was an interesting choice. In the first two paragraphs “but” is used three times – I found the “buts” distracting. The subject matter is a bit unnerving, and it would probably not be for everyone. It also may be unclear to the reader what is meant by a “spec”. The quote was a nice touch – you might have to reference non-KJV quotes.

Entry #2: Disposable Razor
The hook was very clear in this one – “recognition”. The beginning was also very clear - from the start it is understood that this is about a young-looking assassin. The title was very cliche. The shooting of the three guards seemed to be a little overkill. The last line was excellent for effect, but maybe not a believable reaction. Overall, it was well-written.

Entry #3: The Unkindest Cut
This had a great title and solid use of dialogue. However, it could have benefited from some imagery – smells or sounds of breakfast (snap-crackle-pop or whatever). I suppose the hook was either the “assignment” or the “chip”, but neither came across to me in a strong way. I had to look up “adobo” – is this usually for breakfast?

Entry #4: Dreaming Razors
This kind of reminds me of Dark Angel, including the philosophical opening. There are some grammatical problems – there needs to be some commas in the third sentence and “remembers knows” in 3rd to last sentence. I have a real hard time with most stories written in present tense. The tense seemed inconsistent, and it was confusing at the end on whether “the shot” was now or then (or both).

Entry #5: The Virus
Interesting appeal to emotions. The subtlety of “…the woman collapsed” was very powerful. I’m not sure she would still be “clutching” the baby; I would expect the baby to fall, which would also be a powerful image. The word “sniper” threw me off a little – I generally associate this with the person, not the weapon. Grammar nit-pick – “…as [he] leaned…” I think the last 5 words should have been omitted.

Entry #6: The Broken Blade
Another nice title, but just a little cliched. The verbs were excellent choices and expressed imagery with their uses. Also it had a nice jab of humor with the robe opening and Jason’s comment. The sudden pain associated with the unknown woman was an OK hook, but a little weak. On this one, I questioned whether it would have been better without the last two words. It was another well-written opening.

Entry #7: Sense of Justice
Making him likeable and sympathetic was unique. I didn’t like the back-to-back “-y” adjectives (tiny, pouty). It was an interesting choice to give him a “regular” job, where he can “click-on” just like that. He seemed too nice – a little annoying. The flash out of nowhere was a nice hook. It kind of reminded me of The Manchurian Candidate. I liked the last sentence.

Entry #8: In His Own Image
There was a nice action-start to the story. The first sentence of dialogue was very awkward. I don’t know if a reader would know what the “chip” was without reading the synopsis first. I questioned whether a teenager, even a tech savvy one, could help him “in uncovering what’s wrong with” his chip, but who knows. The last sentence also seemed a little awkward, whether as an apology or as a threat.

Entry #9: Deviant
This did a good job of getting inside his head without using first person. For the most part, this was well-written with good imagery. Nit-picks: the third sentence could have benefited from a comma between “lot” and “not”; the next sentence had 2 “had”s, which was a little awkward; the last word in line three needed a “to” after it; the sentence after that one didn’t need the “-ish” after young; and “There wa[s] a slight sway…” I actually liked this one very much, so I’m sorry for all the nit-picking. The last sentence should have better reflected the title – that is where I could have really been hooked (one sentence possibly could have made me put this in first place).

Entry #10: The Obscured Claw
This had more of an action/sci-fi opening than most of the others. I liked the pace, but I wasn’t clear why it mattered where the plasma had struck him. The “n” was left off of the expletive in the 3rd sentence of the 2nd paragraph, maybe on purpose for site reasons. I’m guessing that “Jason stripped of[f] the shadow skin…”; even though the first works, it is a little awkward. I think the word “thieves” would have worked better as “a thief”. I liked it overall, but the hook wasn’t quite strong enough.


Best Title – The Unkindest Cut

First – Disposable Razor
Second – Sense of Justice
Third – The Broken Blade

These three were all very close, and I had a hard time choosing their order. I ended up going by the strength of the actual hook. There were also several others that I debated putting in third place.


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Betsy Hammer
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Entry #1: The Spec in My Eye
I thought this entry was so strong. It was very clear, and managed to be deep in only 13 lines. I’m kind of a wimp about gore, though, so I would be afraid to read the next sentence.

Entry #2: Disposable Razor
I loved that Jason was on a skateboard. It made him seem clever right away. And I liked the plain, calculating style of the killings. If this was an actually novel, though, I would have wanted to know more about Jason before such a big event as someone recognizing him. All the action in the 13 could have taken up the whole first chapter.

Entry #3: The Unkindest Cut
This one was good. I’m not totally in love with Jason yet, but I would keep reading. I liked that we knew Jason’s thoughts at every moment.

Entry #4: Dreaming Razors
Incredibly creepy, but very memorable. I would read on, but I’m terrified of Jason. If that continued without giving him anything redeeming, I would put the book down.

Entry #5: The Virus
I had a few questions about this one—it was unclear if Jason was always in control of his actions or not. If he was good enough to feel bad, then why would he do it in the first place? And if he’s not aware during assassinations, then how did he come up with questions about his life so quickly? I would have expected him to be disoriented for a longer time. That being said, I liked Jason for his conscience and his freak out. It read very fast and easily, too, which I like.

Entry #6: The Broken Blade
I didn’t like the “Pain stabbed his consciousness…” line. It didn’t make me feel anything along with Jason, it was just pretty. And the very last sentence was in the wrong place—I had to re-read to know what it meant. I also think that too much happened too quickly in this one. But I loved when Jason turned around from the naked guy. Very funny, and a good character builder. Good work with letting us know everyone’s position, and giving a feel for the setting. That’s hard to do in 13, but you made it look easy.

Entry #7: Sense of Justice
I liked that Jason didn’t know he was an assassin. And I liked him being set up as a normal guy with a soft side, but I think the gooeyness should have been toned down. And again, the action in this one moved too fast. I’m a broken record about this. Sorry.

Entry #8: In His Own Image
I thought that Jason’s conflicted thoughts were very interesting. It made me want to read on to discover more about his character. My problem was that I really had no idea what was going on. It needed more set up. Also, the dialogue seemed too wordy to be natural.

Entry #9: Deviant
The way Jason related to people and targets was awesome. I loved that his targets were everything to him. My only problem was that if I hadn’t read the synopsis, I would have thought that Jason was an alien. The distance he felt from humans was good, but I need clarification that he was human himself (or thought he was).

Entry #10: The Obscured Claw
I liked all the future tech in this one. And I liked the perfectionistic side of Jason. I didn’t care for the word, ‘bedding.’ It sounded like it came from a regency romance novel to me. Also, I think that the last two sentences should switch places, just for clarity.

Best Title: The Spec in My Eye—I would pick up a book with that title, for sure.

First: The Spec in My Eye

Second: Dreaming Razors

Third: Deviant


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satate
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#1 The Spec in My Eye - I liked this one, very strong. I liked how Jason is immediatley sympathetic. It shows him as brave and willing to go through great pain to find the truth.

#2 Disposable Razor - This was good, lots of action, but nothing really sticks out to me. I would keep reading. The biggest hook is the last line.

#3 The Unkindest Cut - I liked how this one made Jason seem less evil. He's an assassin in order to protect. The hook is weaker though, but not so weak that I wouldn't read on. It's probably more realistic to how a novel would start anyways.

#4 Dreaming Razors - I really liked this one. I like how it begins with Jason being mostly reactionary. I think a lot of interesting things could be done with it. The hardest thing for me is that it protrays him so unsympahetically that it would be hard to ever redeem him.

#5 The Virus - Good, I think this one needs better setting up of how Jason was before the memories started. That way the effect would be more powerful once they start.

#6 The Broken Blade - Gross, I didn't need the naked fat man image. It got a reaction though so it can't be that bad I liked the pain stabbed his consciesness part and how he falls to his knees. It shows the effect it had on him. I wish the drawn out scene of the woman was shown more, rather than just told. It would have been more interesting to see what he saw.

#7 Sense of Justice - I was so confused when I started reading this one. I kept thining this can't be Jason. I liked the idea of Jason being completely unaware of being an assassin. It really sets up how crushed unicorn boy would be when he finds out he's an assassin. This one also has comic possiblities.

#8 In His Own Image - This one started too much in the middle of the action. I was confused by what Jason meant by "hatred of my kind." It left me a bit disoriented. I do like the introduction of the kid being forced to help him.

#9 Deviant - I have a hard time with how unsympahetic Jason starts off. How will he ever care if he's an assassin if he already thinks of people as nothing? Nice images, and description.

#10 Obscured Claw - Nice equipment, sets up the science fiction setting right up front. I was wondering why it mattered where Jason hit the guy and I wanted to know more about the shadow skin. Good start.

Best Title - In His Own Image

1st - #1 The Spec in My Eye
2nd - #4 Dreaming Razors
3rd - #7 Sense of Justice

I thought they were all really good entries. It was hard to pick.


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rich
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I'm going to be a complete Dick (though my name is not Richard) on this one. The synopsis didn't send me. That's not to say it's no good and that a perfectly good short story/novel couldn't be gleaned from it, it's just that we've seen this before and it stars Dolph Lundgren or Jean Claude Van Damme. What makes matters worse is that the main character is a killer/assassin with memory issues AND his name is Jason so an editor is immediately going to think Bourne...and into the round file it goes.

However, I hope no one gets too pissed off about what I say about their first 13. I'm of the opinion that the first 13 gives no indication of ability (well, almost none). My opinion is just one of many, and isn't "right" or "correct". I think you guys put way too much emphasis on the first 13 and it doesn't tell us one way or the other whether the story will be good or not. It may hint at it, but it doesn't tell us, and I look at these things as nothing more than a mental exercise.

Now onto the Dickishness...

#1 The Spec in My Eye
I saw this being done in The Terminator. I also think rubbing alcohol is cheaper and more effective than Jim Beam 'cause I don't buy Jason as a drunk. Anyway, having said that, I do like the bible quote. It puts a spin on the character that would make me keep reading.

#2 Disposable Razor
Not thrilled with the title. I don't think the dialogue is needed at the end, and I wonder if that's just trying to get the idea of it in the first 13? I'm not sure about this one. I'd keep reading for a couple more lines, but so far it's just not memorable enough for me.

#3 The Unkindest Cut
This is waaay too much like a Bourne movie (except this Jason tends to talk to himself, which is a character trait I'm not inclined to tolerate in books), and it doesn't tell me anything that I haven't seen or read a dozen times before. I'd pass on this one.

#4 Dreaming Razors
The past is quiet and dead?? I would've assumed dead was quiet anyway; like saying, "I live in a big house home." Also, pick one: 'has' or 'had'; can't be both in sentences next to each other. Other than a somewhat inventive way to kill someone (and would sticking a candle in someone's eye really kill him? I'm sure it would smart, but...) I don't see myself reading much more. I'd pass on this one.

#5 The Virus
I've changed my mind about this one, based on the title and the synopsis. Again, I think we're stuck with various ways of trying to kill someone in the first 13, to let us know who Jason is, but it's not too original. However we know Jason's having problems with his eye that an optometrist probably won't be able to solve so "virus" kinda lets us know (maybe) a direction this story would go. I'd read on ONLY because I know the synopsis already. (And wouldn't that make a pretty good novel? Assassins get some kind of Trojan virus and go bonkers. I mean, if it hasn't been done before.)

#6 The Broken Blade
Was she what? Yeah, I know 'was she real', but between that last sentence and a "drawn out scene" from a "flashed" image kinda threw me. I'm also a little put off by the "stabbed his consciousness" and "hands sought his ears" as that's a little too writerly. I'm going to pass on this one.

#7 Sense of Justice
I like this one. I like the automaton nature of Jason; Manchurian Candidate as philocinemas said. I'd read on.

#8 In His Own Image
The dialogue is unnatural, probably for a reason, but I'm not digging too much to find out why. The hook about Jason wanting the teen's forgiveness isn't strong enough for me, either. And, quite frankly, I'm wondering why Jason is trying to tickle the teen's foot. I'm also wondering how Jason is grabbing the kid's foot while keeping his knee on the kid's throat. I'll pass on this one.

#9 Deviant
Too many misspelled words, and I'm not entirely invested in this one yet. However I like the first paragraph's idea, but this one needs to get moving within the next couple of paragraphs. I'd read on with strong reservations.

#10 The Obscured Claw
I like the title 'cause I'm a sucker for cool sounding titles that you'd find on a show like Wild Wild West, or maybe a Sherlock Holmes story. The "one time weapons" does clue us in on why Jason may not remember his targets. After all, if Jason doesn't remember his targets, would he even know he was an assassin (as in Sense of Justice), or what would he think if he found himself holding a gun for no reason? So I like that part of it, but as others have pointed out, what's the big deal about where the guy got the shot? If Jason's such a perfectionist, he wouldn't know it, would he? Anyway...I'd read on to find out.

Best Title: The Obscured Claw

First: Sense of Justice
Second: The Obscured Claw
Third: The Virus


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billawaboy
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I'm trying to make up for the hasty late review I gave last time. So did my best with this set and tried to really give an analysis. Pardon the length and hope you like it.

Entry #1 The Spec In My Eye

To me it seems the title focuses the story on the "spec" rather than Jason, and the importance of it's idea/theme/role in the story. This may not have been intended but that's the gist I got.

On first read I did stumble over a couple areas. Ex: I pondered over "ever did" or "ever have done"; or paused to figure what "Jim Bean" was (I'm sheltered, haha); Then it was picturing how does one clamp a lower eye lid. I didn't have a good picture of what the clamp looked like. After a few min of trying to figure that out, I read it again, and it read okay. Not spectacular, but okay. It's tough to fit complex actions in 13 lines so I give props for attempting a complicated scene right off the bat while using the narrative to make Jason hardboiled.
Unfortunately, I felt no hook.


Entry #2 Disposable Razor

I know we have a lot of fun selecting titles that play on words and this one is pretty tongue-in-cheek. Still, I'm trying to force myself to think of the title as another tool to focus the reader in the right frame of mind for the first 13 lines. This title while funny would probably make an editor balk - but that said - lol!

Reading the first three lines, I think there was something odd reading from 2nd to 3rd line. Is there a change in POV from Jason to bodyguard? I'm not exactly sure. Anyway it gave me pause. The next few lines read fine, until I got to "...nearest guard's ear". I thought Jason merely shot him in the ear! The guard was still alive to me, probably grabbing his ear and cursing. Then I got to where the last guard jumped on the target (incidentally I had some kind of mob boss in a suit as the target in my mind, did you all have the same instant visual?). I didn't know the guard jumped with his back to the shooter, and, well, that kinda doesn't make sense - to me, at least. Really good hook-ending though. Again tough choice between giving details and presenting the hook.


Entry #3 The Unkindest Cut

The title suggests a story of betrayal. The 1st 13 start of with Jason seeming like another cog in the machine while plots abound - but it is quite open to anything. So the title may apply.

The piece reads well to me, with only a brief stumble at adobo and "...before his left eye...". However, I felt little to no urge to read on. I can't explain it. This is where I would skip down a couple of paragraphs to see what else happens and if I wanted to keep on reading.


Entry #4 Dreaming Razors

I have absolutely no idea about the title. I cannot makes heads or tails of it. An child's tale of anthropomorphic blades? An underdog team of hockey misfits dreaming to make it big? The 13 lines don't hint much at what the title could be about. I think an editor would be flabbergasted. But maybe there is a good explanation...

I liked the first line. The second line stopped me dead in my tracks. Then I stared at it, trying to figure it out. The third line makes me think of commas. The fourth line arrives and I feel...well, like Jacques Cousteau is narrating. Sorry. Still the second paragraph manages to draw me in again. Jason clearly had a dark dark childhood - and tbh, feels a bit like it's channeling Ender's Game... but the last lines do work well.


Entry #5 The Virus

The only title that to me has some clear scifi ties. However it is too general. Something like Pandora's virus, or idk... the virus of remorse or consciousness? Terrible, yes, but anything to give it the editor an idea of the story.

The lines read well, and clearly show the turning point of Jason's existence, but it's too fast, too soon, and too much happening to fit it in 13 lines. But if this was a short story I can see it working.


Entry #6 The Broken Blade

The title hints at a tragedy, sort of like a world-of-spies/assassins where the good guy doesn't make it. The 13 lines suggest an action/suspense/thriller with a bit of comic relief throw in. Maybe the title refers to a Mcguffin?

The first paragraph read very well; the second felt a bit melodramatic but it was okay. There was however an abrupt shift from the action/comic/sultriness of the first to psychological/introspectiveness of the second. I didn't know what to make of it. I think an editor would ask to expand the 13 lines.

Entry # 7 Sense of Justice

Title sounds like a revenge story - perhaps of an assassin who goes after his handlers? The opening line leaves many possibilities open.

Again I'm very unsure of my grammar and I pause at "...what shoe..." thinking "...which shoe..." and of unicorns setting up food all over (sorry couldn't resist! ) but this read very well.

Entry #8 In His Own Image

I'm not sure of what to make of the title. Perhaps a futuristic assassin story with a religious theme? tbh, I would like to read a unique take like that. But as a potential editor I'd probably have different expectations with that title. Unfortunately, the 13 lines don't seems to have any connection with the title (although, there is that bit about forgiveness...)

The first two lines makes me think that the unsuspecting reader/editor would be expecting a horror-type story. Apart from the robotically written dialog - which I think is intentional - the rest read very well. We have a tiny hook trying to reconcile Jason (forced?) behavior with his asking forgiveness. But would an editor be willing to invest in that?


Entry #9 Deviant

The title suggests that the story is a psychological thriller into the mind of serial killer. Even the piece supports this idea very well. The unsuspecting browser won't like being "fooled" into reading a scifi - on the other hand I'm not sure what the author really intends Jason to be. It does address the MC but it's hard to judge it with out knowing the whole story - which kinda defeats the point. I think an editor would ask for a change.

The spelling and grammatical errors really distract. An editor would have chucked it at the first one, I think. Still...it reads well but have a few places which break the flow. What kinda stuck out for me was that Jason relished finding his targets. Jason isn't supposed to remember his targets (at least if the story was written based on the synopsis). Logical flaws tend to make me stop reading further ahead. Still there is the simple hook of wanting to see what happens next.

Entry #10 The Obscured Claw

As titles go, it carries a hint of black ops, military and political thriller. Yet it also made me think of a tavern in a DnD type fantasy novel. I wasn't even thinking scifi until I read "super-heated plasma" which is kinda disconnected from the title - for now.

The piece read very well until I read into the second paragraph. If the plasma struck the face, how could Jason aim for behind the ear?
Derval has to face him to get struck in the face. I guess the author meant "head". At the store I would have lost my trust the author. But here... The remaining piece read well. It has a hooky feeling though I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm waiting for the girl's scream make a passerby spot Jason? There's potential...

Title: The Virus
(it did it's job; though a tough choice against it was The Unkindest Cut; this should've been the hardboiled title of entry #1!)

1: Sense of Justice

2: The Virus

3: The Unkindest Cut

~bb~


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Crank
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Entry # 1: The Spec in My Eye
I’m not a big fan of first-person storytelling. In this particular story, I might have considered it a deal breaker simply because the hook (for me) didn’t come until the last line; however, my having missed “But I had to know if I was human” the first read-through as an effective hook was probably due to the fact that I went into this knowing the basic premise. Other than that, I’m curious to know whether he’s human, but I’d like to find out earlier on why he questions his humanness.


Entry # 2: Disposable Razor
Good action. Except, nothing in the first 13 lines indicated that this story was in a genre other than mainstream-ish action-adventure; if I were reading this because it was touted as SF, I would be a bit unhappy by this point. Although, Jason casing the situation from a skateboard was a cool touch, which just might convince me to give the author some more time to set the environment.


Entry # 3: The Unkindest Cut
The hook for me was when Jason’s chip tried showing him something. The ‘half-remembered’ wording created enough of a sense of mystery for me, but I don’t feel the follow-through went in the right direction; had Jason been confused and/or disturbed by what he didn’t quite see, as opposed to merely annoyed that his chip seemed to be malfunctioning, the hook impact would have been much stronger.


Entry # 4: Dreaming Razors
The POV seems detached to me, to the point where I don’t get the sense that any of these thoughts are actually coming from Jason; “Jason knows nothing…”, to me, signifies a narrator, where “Jason knew nothing…” sounds as if it’s coming from inside Jason’s head. The last line stoked my curiosity, so I might be talked into reading further.


Entry # 5: The Virus
If I were to choose which story to purchase based on the title only, I would have passed on this one (too vague), but the struggle Jason is having with memories and statistics that are appearing to him (despite the obvious fact that they’re not supposed to) now leads to a cause that the title has already suggested. The line “He shouldn’t know that” worked well here.


Entry # 6: The Broken Blade
A fairly decent start. It took a while for me to isolate why the start of the second paragraph didn’t feel quite right for me. A nit-pick, perhaps, but I pay attention to order of events. In this case: it seemed he fell, then felt the pain. Having the pain cause his fall might just cause the reader to feel what Jason felt.

Entry # 7: Sense of Justice
This is what Al Bundy would have turned into had his show gone one more season. Seriously...this opening shows us that Jason has at least some semblance of humanity within him. I don't know what you have planned for the rest of the story, but this setup scene will grate perfectly against any beliefs Jason might harbor about being more machine than human. Well played.


Entry # 8: In His Own Image
I got the impression that a lot of intended narrative was left on the cutting room floor. Consequently, this version was a bit herky-jerky. Still...cutting the bottom of a person's foot (one of the most sensitive parts of the human body) is a brutal way to conduct an 'interrogation’.


Entry # 9: Deviant
The contradiction in Jason’s attitude towards people was well played here. Amongst all these non-entities, did he pay more attention to the woman because she was his next target?...or, because she was flirting? The slam dunk, of course, was the last sentence. I’m curious to see how he plays this scenario. Too bad the spelling errors made their way into this submission.


Entry # 10: The Obscured Claw
I’ll take two of those weapons! For defensive purposes only, of course. I like SF gadgets and weaponry, so I was hooked on the first sentence. However, I feel like I was somewhat hung out to dry by the very last sentence: perhaps, the 13 line count expired before you got to it, but I'd like to know why Jason froze and what was wrong; that's not a far fetched expectation, considering Jason's other thoughts were made loud and clear. But, again...maybe that part is later in the paragraph.

Best Title: The Obscured Claw

First: The Obscured Claw
Second: Deviant
Third: Sense of Justice


S!
S!...C!



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skadder
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Have to say I agree with Rich--the synopsis just made me think of Jason Bourne. In fact I was going to call my entry 'Borne in a Webb of Deceit', but I couldn't!


Entry # 1: The Spec in My Eye.
Not hooked, the voice seems a little too conversational for my taste. Otherwise the prose is okay.


Entry # 2: Disposable Razor.

Not sure I get the alley/skateboard hit thingy. Your timing would have to be perfect to roll past as the mark exited. Any loitering would attract attention. Action is done well.


Entry # 3: The Unkindest Cut.

Threat level seven? Otherwise nice crisp prose...The actual hook is a little flat, but I would read on with reservations (the hope that this moves away from the Mission Impossible feel it has).


Entry # 4: Dreaming Razors

The first paragraph didn't work for me--feels like more style than substance...an attempt to try create a mood, but it feels obvious an so misses me. The childhood memories seem levered in and artificial, plus far to much use of the word remembers (four times in five sentences).

Entry # 5: The Virus

Picked up his sniper? I presume you omitted the word rifle accidentally. There are some good story elements in this intro, but it feels let down by trying to cram in too much.

Entry # 6: The Broken Blade

Lots of redundancy in this piece. If you press your back against something, then it is behind you. It could be elsewhere(above-gravity, or below), but it's a tree so it is upright. Also...

>showing the mark, a perfect match for that of the overweight man opening the balcony doors

This seems clunky.

Then...when I am wanting the hit to happen you suddenly make Jason weird out. Your hook was the hit and then you diluted it with Jason going weird (which I was less interested in--as I don't care about Jason yet.)

Entry # 7: Sense of Justice

The last three sentences are good, but you nearly lost me with whole shoe business. The shoe design thing sounds techy but seems flawed (in terms of future business) to allow an employee to spend that much time on one customer(why is it a do it your self process? Design your own shoe?).


Entry # 8: In His Own Image

The actual prose is okay, the dialogue seems artificial. I don't like Jason in this--so not connecting with him.

Entry # 9: Deviant.

Not hooked. Prose needs improving--lots of adverbs here.

Entry # 10: The Obscured Claw.

Good tech, but again it seems jammed in to meet the criteria of 13 lines. As everyone has pointed out, why is it so important where the plasma hits? Is it just perfectionism...or some requirement of the hit? I think the 'something was wrong bit' was stuck on to make a hook.

Best Title: Entry # 4: Dreaming Razors

First Place: Entry # 5: The Virus

Second place: Entry # 2: Disposable Razor.

Third Place: Entry # 7: Sense of Justice


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annepin
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1: The Spec in My Eye

It was one of the most painful things I ever did, and this time I was doing it to myself. The tense in the first sentence feels off, but I'm not sure what it's supposed to be since I'm not sure what the author intended: It was one of the most painful things I had ever done…? But I had to know if I was human.

Until now, I never used a local anesthetic, but the Jim Bean was another story. It was real useful when I poured it on an open wound. Seems like you're skipping a thought here. In fact, this whole sequence feels a little jumpy in logic. I see and like that Jim Bean is no stranger, nor is injury. But the idea that he's now drinking it deserves, in my opinion, a lead in.I took another swig and looked in the mirror. I wasn't quite drunk; but then again, I needed to keep as much of my mental faculties as possible while I made the incisions. The fact that he needs to keep his mental faculties doesn't contradict ("but then again") the fact that he wasn't quite drunk--in fact, it supports it.

All my tools were there in front of me. Most of them were usually just for effect Okay, I like the creepy back story this suggests. Clearly he's into something bad.. I placed the clamp over my left eye, attached it to the lid and lower socket, and picked up my scalpel. As the Good Book says, 'It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.' That spec in my eye had thrown me into hell enough times.

There's a good hook--the idea of the "spec" in the eye (and cute turn of phrase). Even with the echoes of "Total Recall", I'm drawn in to the idea suggested by the fact that he might be a bad guy. The jumpiness makes me pause, but it's not enough to stop me reading. I will be comparing this to Total Recall as I read and will be looking for a difference. I'm a tad worried that we're going to slip into back story (suggested by the last line).


2: Disposable Razor

Jason waited. The target always left early, usually taking the backdoor. A bodyguard stepped out, eyeing Jason as he went by.
That's right, only a kid on a skateboard rolling through an alley, nothing to worry about.
The target stepped out with two more guards. Jason drew his silencer and stepped off the board. His first shot went through the nearest guard's ear. His next shot put a hole in the second guard's forehead while the man attempted to draw his weapon. The last guard jumped on the target. Jason fired four times into his back, walked up and put a fifth into his brain. Jason pushed the dead man off and pointed his weapon into the targets face. The look of terror in the woman's eyes changed to recognition.
"Jason? Is that you?"

I feel a little unfair in saying this, but I feel like I've read a large number of intros that start with an assassination. A botched assassination, usually. I don't know if it qualifies as cliched in the greater land of publishing, but I found the opening less than engaging. I don't know enough about Jason to really care about him. I don't know about the woman to care why she knows Jason. The fact that he's a kid might be interesting in a creepy way, but I'm not convinced that he is--only that he's posing as a kid.

3: The Unkindest Cut

For the third time that week, the insistent warbling of the holophone interrupted Jason's breakfast. Grumbling, he thumbed it on, knowing that it would be the Controller. "Good morning Jason. We have another assignment for you."
"Who is the subject?"
"I'm uploading his data sheet to your pod now. The Council has evaluated him as threat level seven, so please move on him today."
Crisp, concise and businesslike, as always.
"Will do," Jason replied, but the Controller was already gone. Jason shrugged and went back to his adobo; then before his left eye, he saw a momentary flash of something half-remembered, something he couldn't
quite catch. "Damn chip acting up again," he muttered to himself. "I'll have to get it replaced."

Not hooked. There's not enough in here that's really unique to get me. The fact that he's an assassin with a new target isn't enough. The fact that there's a sketchy Controller fellow and Council identifying threats isn't quite enough. The glitch in the eye isn't quite enough, especially since Jason doesn't think much of it. The suggestion, of course, is that the glitch is going to cause him some serious problems, but I'm not interested enough to stick around until it does.


4: Dreaming Razors

The past is quiet and dead. The future is never. Jason knows nothing other than this moment this time this now. He is an animal of instinct and training; no motives, no questions, just fluid and precise movement and action for the task at hand.
But as he sights on his latest target, he remembers his seventh birthday party. There were seven candles. He remembers the other children clapping and laughing and singing. He remembers them telling him to blow out the candles. He remembers grabbing one of the lit candles and sticking it into the eye of the child closest to him. He knows this memory. This is the point where I felt it was a bit too heavy handed. Enough already! Break up the rhythm! You don't have to pound us into the floor.
Jason remembers knows which is it?that the child's name was Donny, and that Donny had the most kills up to that point. Jason's tally of kills has him in second. At least until Donny died.
The memory does not interfere with the shot.

It's very stylized, and I think it almost works for me. I like the distance created by the authorial voice. But it's just a bit heavy handed for my taste. I think this would work best for a very short story (sudden fiction, perhaps) since it is a rather powerful style that could in long form become oppressive. Kind of like the bitters you add to a martini.

5: The Virus

Jason looked through his scope. It was aimed at the head of a Vietnamese woman. These two lines are static and don't do any work to pulling me in to the story.She paced the balcony of her high rise apartment holding a baby to her chest. Jason pulled the trigger and the woman collapsed. He picked up his sniper and turned to go.
His mind replayed in slow motion the woman falling. He paused in mid step. Something was wrong. He shouldn't be able to remember her. He closed his eyes but could only see the same woman falling, still clutching the screaming infant. His hands shook as leaned against the wall. What kind of monster kills a woman holding a baby?
He didn't know how long he'd been an assassin. He didn't even know how many people he'd killed. Twenty-three. He shouldn't know that.

The opening paragraph did little to hook me. The second paragraph is better. The last almost does the trick. I think it might work better if "twenty three" were in italics to suggest internal thought.

6: The Broken Blade

Jason pressed his back tight against the tree behind him if his back is against it it's already behind him. The computer screen scrolled in his left eye showing the mark, a perfect match for that of the overweight man opening the balcony doors to the nighttime sky. The man's robe fell open, and Jason turned away. Damn. He hadn't needed to see that. He gave it a moment, then looked back, a stunning woman joined the man, nestling her curves against his flesh.

Jason palmed his knife, stepped forward, then fell. Pain stabbed his consciousness and dropped him to his knees, as his hands sought his ears. A woman flashed in a drawn out scene before him if it flashed, how is it drawn out?, her face masked in pain, her eyes in fear. No! She wasn't real. He shook his head and stumbled to his feet, forcing the haunting image to retreat. Was she?

I would read on, but I'm not all that engaged. I'm not entirely sure why, is the problem. Maybe because I've read several already that start out with the assassination attempt. I think the ending doesn't quite work for me. The question "was she?" seemed a bit over the top and device-y. We're already questioning her reality--that was the whole point of the previous paragraphs. No need to point it out.

7: Sense of Justice
Jason smiled at the tiny, pouty toddler in front of him, and winked at the girl's mother. He'd been reforming the demo shoe with the design stylus for the last half-hour, but the little girl still hadn't made a decision about what shoe to buy.
"Okay, princess" he said, snapping his fingers. "I've got it. How about pink, with the running unicorns? Then you get both."
He changed color of the canvas background, and animated the unicorns, so that they started catering around. A man's face and name blazed across the vision of Jason's left eye. He wondered for a moment if he was hallucinating. Who was Roman Garcia and why was his face in Jason's eye? And then Jason didn't care.
Garcia was a threat—to Jason, to the baby in front of him, to the whole universe. Garcia was breathing, and that was wrong.

I liked this piece--I like that the contrast that's shown here. It's instantly clear that he's a good guy but that he's controlled by something that makes him an unthinking killer. The opening was a bit precious for my taste, but it got the message across.

8: In His Own Image

Jason hurdled the gravesite headstone. The young teenaged victim's grunt of fright didn't sound until Jason already had him pinned to the ground with a knee to his throat. Awkward and round-a-bout. A more direct phrasing might serve the pace better
"We will discuss your willingness to forego your current hatred for my kind." Jason pulled the teen's leg up over his torso, then pared his shoe off with precise flicks of his knife. His chip claimed this was a new target This is critical information. I think it needs to come before he pulls the teen into this odd position. He noticed the tears already drawn across the teen's face. His subconscious insisted the chip was wrong. This teen didn't warrant RAZOR interrogation. He scraped the blade's tip across the bottom of the teen's foot. The teen's struggling went nearly unnoticed unnoticed by whom? Certainly not Jason, who's got his knee in the kid's neck. "We will discuss your new job of assisting me in uncovering what's wrong with my chip." Jason felt the blood drip down his hand. "We will also discuss your willingness to forgive me for killing your father."

Ack! Jason is way too icky for me to read on. I'm pretty sensitive to torture, and I have no desire to read a torture scene, much less about someone who seems all too eager to torture.

9: Deviant

The halls of the new museum of fine arts were largely empty except for a few frumpy patrons gawking or stooping over the holo-screens. People, in general, always looked a bit uncouth to Jason. They were an ungraceful lot not worthy of his attention. He had a comforting term for them that he had as long as he could remember: non-entities. He barely noticed them. In fact, they tended to disappear altogether except for one.
Jason watched as the youngish woman with precisely placed hair in a well tailored gray suit approach approached him. He saw her in sharp focus and became exhilarated exhilarated. Jason relished finding his targets. Every detail became an object of facination fascination. Her eyes were bright and pupils slightly dialated dilated. Her lips were parted and perfectly rouged. There way wasa slight sway of the hips in her walk. She was clearly flirting. Jason decided to pretend.

Pretty woman, walking down the street; pretty woman, kind i like to meet...

Sorry.

Okay. Basic spelling errors definitely detract. Jason comes off as a pretty unlikeable character, but he is somewhat interesting in what he thinks about humans, as frumpy and uncouth. There isn't a strong hook, but I might turn the page.

10: The Obscured Claw

The superheated plasma flew a cut "a" over a mile before it struck the left side of Derval Serjanassi's face. Jason watched through the scope as half of Derval's head simply ceased to be and his twitching body slumped across the naked body of the young girl he'd been bedding.
"Sh*t." Jason shook his head and lay the rifle on the roof-top. Goddam Goddamn one-time weapons. The plasma should have struck Derval behind the ear. Already the gun was smoking and twisting as it consumed itself with an energy spike Is the gun's destruction related to the fact the plasma didn't hit the right spot? That's what's implied with "Already". Might make more sense to switch the "Already" sentence with the one that comes before..
With precise movements Jason stripped of off the shadow skin covering his body and chucked it onto the smouldering smoldering weapon. Even now, Jason couldn't remember the mark's name; hunter software stalked his memories like thieves. Jason froze--something was wrong...

I like the concept of a one-shot, self-destructing weapon. I think this would be a stronger hook if you showed the software stealing his memory (can he feel it slipping?) and then told what he notices was wrong. I'm figuring what was wrong is that he does, in fact, remember Derval's name. If that's the case, you can't tell us "Even now, Jason couldn't remember the mark's name." That's not subjective--it's not even in Jason's thoughts. You're telling us this as fact.

First place: Entry 1, The Spec in My Eye
This was the clear winner for me. It really stands out. Not having read the synopsis, I didn't know what to expect. This entry seemed to come from a different angle, and focused on the character of Jason, gave us insight into his troubled life. I think this was a smart approach, because one of the issues I had with the other pieces is that Jason is by and large an unlikable character. And the idea of being an assassin in and of itself isn't enough to hook me.

Second place: Entry 4, Dreaming Razors.
Third: Entry 7, Sense of Justice
These two were a pretty close together for me.

Best title: Entry 2, Disposable razor.
Dunno, it's a simple title but there's something industrial about it that i like. And i suspect there's a double meaning in there somewhere.

It seems like the obvious place to start was the assassination. Since so many started here, I'm wondering if this wasn't one of those first ideas that might be better to throw out. The trick about starting with an assassin is that you start out with a somewhat sketchy character. Also, the action is pretty scripted--you find the target, you shoot. Regardless of the iterations, that's pretty much what happens. The set up makes it tricky to introduce deeper, richer elements of story, like character, theme, or even milieu.


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Tiergan
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Funny, after reading the "chip in the head" piece from the last challenge i came up with this quick synopsis. I place Jason as a temp name, and forgot to replace it. The idea wasnt to be the next Bourne, but to see where people took it, and how different it could be. I was cuirious how many writers would try to make Jason human, and how many would make him an android and such.

Entry #1: The Spec in My Eye - I liked this one. The First Person pov was a great change of pace from the more common 3rd. It did read like a scene from Terminator though.

Entry #2: Disposable Razor - Another good one. Lliked the inner dialogue, a great way to get a prospective of who Jason was without an info dump.

Entry #3: The Unkindest Cut - This set up the piece nicely, but for some reason it felt a little slow of a start.

Entry #4: Dreaming Razors - I dont know about his one. I liked it but at the same time it seemed of to me, a little surreal, passive, and not real active. But I liked the change of pace it provided.

Entry #5: The Virus - another good one. I think I would have preferred the first 2 lines joined. Jason looked through his scope, aimed at... it would eliminate the "was," which I try to avoid. the line of "He shouldnt be able to remember her" read off, becuase if he couldnt remember the others, then he wouldnt find it odd that he remebered her. I liked it all the same.

Entry #6: The Broken Blade - another good one. I agree with the others about the tree behind thing. Loved the humor of the robe falling open. My main problem was like the others the last line. Was she?

Entry #7: Sense of Justice - tiny toddler, toddler would have been enough for me. Would lose the he said tag, the beat was there with the snapping of his fingers. On the second or third read the last paragraph got better for me, but lost me in the first read. I really like the changing shoe once I got it.

Entry #8: In His Own Image - Another good one, and I like the opening scene. There were a couple things though. "He noticed the tears..." in Jason's pov, we don't need the noticed its understood, and seemed forced to me like the writer wanted to point it out. The teen's struggling went nearly unnoticed. Again, if it went nearly unnoticed then so should the sentence and it didnt. But I liked it, one of the more complete 13's.

Entry #9: Deviant - they tended "to" disappear. I think you lost a word there. I found this scene a little distant. The first paragraph was more of a paragraph of explanation then furthering the story. The second paragrpah was distant, but it sort of worked because it made Jason seem distant to human kind which was a great feeling.

Entry #10: The Obscured Claw - WOW, this wasnt the most fluid piece by any means, but this was what I had in mind when I wrote the synopsis. It wasnt supposed to be just another Jason Bourne, but even I fell prey to that. This one broke that completely. The sci-fi elements here had my attention.


Best Title – The Unkindest Cut

First – The Obscured Claw
Second – Disposable Razor
Third – The Spec In My Eye

Well done all. I knew right away that my entry stood no chance after reading these.


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snapper
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Entry # 1 The Spec in My Eye

Not bad. If I didn’t read the synopsis I would still be intrigued. I stumbled on a few lines. That last line was great.

Entry # 2 Disposable Razor

This was a cram and jam 13. An awful lot happening, too much for a hook. That last line felt forced. The title, although cliché, might have worked if it had ‘The’ in it.

Entry # 3 The Unkindest Cut

The first couple of paragraphs reminded me of the TV version of Mission Impossible. Believable opening. Not bad.

Entry # 4 Dreaming Razors

The opening lines weren’t bad, although I had an urge to cut a couple of words. The rest of it wasn’t bad but I felt they belong further into the story, not in the opening.

Entry # 5 The Virus

This one I felt was smooth but abrupt, especially the second paragraph. Nice visual of the assassination of the woman holding an infant.

Entry # 6 The Broken Blade

The title is alluring. The scene is unclear. A little rewriting would help it. Not sure how a conscience can feel a stabbing pain. Intriguing site but doesn’t hook me.

Entry # 7 Sense of Justice

This is good. An innocent shoe salesman turned to instant killer. Manchurian candidate like. I’m hooked.

Entry # 8 "In His Own Image"

I liked the first line. This one appealed to me but the last line kind of threw me off for some reason.

Entry # 9 Deviant

The first paragraph I felt could have been trimmed. The rest was alluring. I kind of liked it.

Entry # 10 The Obscured Claw

My love for Sci-Fi is drawn to this one. Who doesn’t like a plasma rifle that disintegrates a person then melts. If I were to pick up a magazine like Analog, and the first story had an opening like this, I would have bought based on that future tech alone.

Favorite title Entry # 6 The Broken Blade (I got the double meaning. Not as obvious as Entry 2)

First Entry # 10 The Obscured Claw

Second Entry # 7 Sense of Justice

Third Entry # 5 The Virus (I could have put any of the others here instead. It was that tough for me to pick)


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snapper
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Just waiting on one person, Rob Roy. Maybe I'll drop him a line.
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snapper
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Well,

One writer didn't vote. Oh well, going to ppst the results anyway.

Best Title tie Entry # 4 Dreaming Razors

Entry # 10 The Obscured Claw

They each got two. Seven different entries were voted on.

First Entry # 7 Sense of Justice 30 points (eight people voted for it)


Second (tie) Entry # 1 The Spec in My Eye 19 points

Third Entry # 10 The Obscured Claw 19 points

Anyone want to try and match the author with the piece?

Betsyhammer - Billawa Boy - Crank - Philocinemas - Rich -
Rob Roy - Satate - Skadder - Snapper - Tiergan

I'll post whose who later.


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Rob Roy
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Yes I know I'm late, but here are my picks.

Favourite title: Disposable Razor.

Picks:
1st: Sense of Justice
2nd: Disposable Razor
3rd: Broken Blade

Ard-Choille,
Rob Roy


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snapper
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Ten entries and each one got mentioned in the voting. Excellent work one and all. Here are the authors.

Philocinemas Entry # 1 The Spec in My Eye

Snapper Entry # 2 Disposable Razor

Name: Rob Roy Entry # 3 The Unkindest Cut

Rich Entry # 4 Dreaming Razors

Satate Entry # 5 The Virus

Tiergan Entry # 6 The Broken Blade

Betsyhammer Entry # 7 Sense of Justice

Crank Entry # 8 In His Own Image

Billawa Boy Entry # 9 Deviant

Skadder Entry # 10 The Obscured Claw


Last week I gave Betsyhammer the captains hat instead of sharing it. She liked it so much that she decided to never give it up.

Are we going to let her just own our hat, hatrackers? Time for us to step up to the plate and rip that thing out of her manicured nails.

A new synopsis is already up.


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rich
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The only way to keep Betsy from bogarting that hat is to chop her hands off. But we can't do that 'cause she's got like twenty kids, tutors blind illiterates, and, I believe, is currently building an ark of some sort to house animals or something. Not sure exactly what it is, but it's big. So she needs her hands.

I guess we'll just have to get better. One of you guys will have to step up, though. I'm not man enough, and I don't look good in hats.


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philocinemas
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Congratulations again, Betsy! I strongly suspected "Sense of Justice" was yours.
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