Upon A Star

Calvin finished his second check throughout all the compartments of Star Survey ship 1899A, and did not find his partner Amanda. He floated to POD suit storage, slid open the door, and saw one was missing. He banged elbows and knees as he scrambled to the bridge. Pressing the transmit button, he managed, "Mandy, reply, over!"
"It's beautiful Ca1..." Static cut the connection.
She floated so far away, it took Calvin a full minute to spot her outline. He watched as planetary gravity took hold and the POD suit burned to a crisp. "Oh Mandy! WHY!" He wiped his tears, "How I wish you hadn't done that." They rarely got along, but this...
"I was counting on that.", she said from behind him. He turned

The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras

Calvin al Ibn almost danced a jig when he heard the Comm order them to leave the planetary system immediately. He nearly entered the self-destruct codes when he found they were to take the Star Survey ship to System GR234. Now it would take him an extra six months to get back home.
That also meant another six months with Mandy. Calvin considered the self-destruct codes again. He sighed and paged Mandy. At least she would be happy. For Glory and Empire! He could hear her saying. He wouldn't have done it for all of ummi's shawerma's and hummus, though his stomach grumbled at the thought.
He initiated orbital escape and entered the system name into the plotter. His eyes scanned the ship's monitors and blinked.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 28, 2009).]

Sidereal Shift

Calvin stared at the back of Mandy's head, and told himself that she wasn't that stupid—No, she was. But he was a grown man. He could handle this. He could. "I'm here." He smiled. "What's up?"

Mandy swiveled around on her chair. "Um, actually…" She smiled sadly at him, and inhaled through her teeth. "I noticed that you didn't log out again. I just needed to know that you finished everything for today."

He kept his face clear. "Isn't that what I said before I left?"

"Yes…," she laughed tightly. "But you didn't log out."

Calvin reached over and flicked the index card taped above her workstation. It had his password on it so that she wouldn't keep waking him up at night for lame crap like this. He'd been

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 28, 2009).]

The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A

Passing Time with Purple Swirls

Mandy gazed up at the panoramic display of Planet HY119-2. Cal approached and said, "Have we received the analysis from Base yet? I hope they just say ‘it’s a rock’ and let us go home."
Mandy did not respond. She seemed transfixed on the purple clouds swirling across the planet’s surface.
He waved his hand in front of her face and snapped. She dropped her eyes and looked at him with disgust. "What do you want?"
"The analysis… Remember?"
"I haven’t heard back." She returned to her stoic vigil.
"Fine, I’ll go to Control and check for messages." Cal shook his head and walked away. Going home was all that mattered to him.
He entered Control. A screen flashed Home Base to Star Survey 1899A. Leave System HY119 immediately. DO NOT return to Base.

Intelligent Life?

Six more months, no it was five months two weeks and three days. Then he could go back to Earth, until then he had to plot rocks, well, really big rocks. Mandy was yelling about something, again. He walked into the view room. Mandy was bending over the sensor feed.
“Calvin I think it says there’s water,” she said.
He looked at the view screen. It showed the current planet they were orbiting. He’d dubbed it Sand Pit.
“Yay, water” Calvin said.
Mandy’s eyes blazed.
“Don’t you care?”
“What, not excited enough for you?” He spun and did the latest dance move, at least it was the latest two years ago. “Yes!

"Party of One"

Calvin al Ibn saw an expanding opaqueness reach across the upper atmosphere, attempting to hide the approaching heat contrails from his sight. His stomach wrenched. It was happening again. Just like the lights that the others dimmed the second he knocked on the door so he wouldn't think there was a party. Somebody was keeping him from a great experience. He glanced down at the message in his hand. "Leave System HY119 immediately." Just like when Alan assured him there was nothing going on that night, so he might as well leave. This had to be Amanda's doing. Deceitful winch. What personal files could she have possibly found that would inspire her to orchestrate this?
The opaqueness engulfed the contrails, then turned for his

Opening lines started slow and introspective, so much so that when Calvin scrambled and exclaimed it was at odds with the relatively calm beginning. The "Oh mandy WHY"...well, I didn't buy the emotion. After that it did a twist, but since the emotional payoff wasn't there it felt distant. Overall, I think a slow pace and a fast pace got mixed in and kind of fizzled together. There are elements of a hook, but it's lost in the confusion.

#2 The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras

I feel the old-school pulp title thing going here - but, eh...

I dunno about the others, but I stumbled over the first two lines. Might frustrate a few readers - like me. Overall, gives a hint of Calvin's personality and starting info, and the barest hint of hook at the end. It's there and yet I don't really feel much. Not too sure about this one.

#3 Sidereal Shift

I like this title - it has a rhythm to it and it very simple yet suggests something nifty.

I like the passive aggresiveness in this one. It looks like the author traded a hook for setting up characterization and a relationship.

#4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A

Not sure what to make of the title - is it serious or being sarcastic? That in it self is kind of a hook...

Ah, the odd-couple...in space. For some reason Calvin's face resemble's a young Walter Matthau. I liked the "sock hanging 3 in" visual - stuck perfectly in my mind. I kinda got snaggled by Felix's - I mean Mandy's (hehe) - first line: can one show respect to their own decency? here also it seems the hook was traded of characterization and relationship. But there is the title to think of...

#5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls

Interesting title, but tbh, doesn't inspire me.

Nice opening line - gives a potenially great visual (we don't know what planet Hy119-2 looks like.) A description of that in the second line would work. It hints at the antagonistic relationship between C and M, as well as Calvins thoughts and motivations. It also offers a decent hook at the end, which technically is what we're trying to do. It's all there, but needs work. Still, it's a contender.

#6 Intelligent Life?

I'm not a big fan of question titles; the question itself has to be very interesting to work. It doesn't work for me in this case.

This read really well for me. Really captures Calvin's passing thoughts in short bursts and dry humor and doesn't stumble at all on its flow. There a hint of hook in there, so I'd actually read on just for the style and give the plot a chance to develop.

#7 "Party of One"

I wonder if quotes in the title mean anything. Other than that the title really does hint much of anything - maybe a Crusoe-like adventure?

I had trouble visualizing the contrails since there seemed to be many ways to view them. Also I had no background. I read atmosphere but it wasn't very clear on the visual of the planet. Also i kept wondering if opaqueness was a metaphor for space or something else. The fourth line just confused the heck out of me. And the fifth. And the eight. Then a spelling error caught my eye. Overall, I didn't see a clear hook, but maybe a hint of one in the note - still the confusing lines wrecks anychance of the reader noticing it.

Title: #3 Sidereal Shift
1st: #6 Intelligent Life?
2nd: #5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls
3rd: #4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A

Entry # 2 The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras
There is a jovial, somewhat laid back feel to this one, which I like. The flow of the sentences feels a little disconnected or rough. Maybe both are designed to give the impression of what space-cabin fever like quirks manifest after so much time in this ship. I would be glad to read more because this is a fun read. The title fits the tone of the work, but I feel this is short-story territory and not going to work for a novel.

Entry # 3 Sidereal Shift
The conflict begins right away. I like the description of Mandy explaining why she had called Calvin. It’s clear these two aren’t getting along and aren’t cutting each other any slack. What I don’t see why we should care. I would have like to have something to identify with in either of these characters. The taping of the password is close to that, as I’ve seen that done by many workers tired of trying to remember passwords. The title is quirky, and full of promise, well done.

Entry # 4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A
Good description, and easy to read. It stains credulity to believe Amanda always wore a clean (maybe) and PRESSED (REALLY?) uniform. This beginning sets up the odd-couple dynamic effectively. I would like to read more. The title needs work. ‘Valiant’ has to go at a minimum.

Entry # 5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls
Cal having to block Mandy’s view was very effective. It’s clear from what Cal said early on he wants to go home, so repeating it later is not necessary, and would have preferred a reaction to the message instead. I can’t tell if I should be worried Mandy is so preoccupied with purple clouds. Cal doesn’t seem to be, so I guess I’d take my cue from that. Perhaps he should have felt or shown more concern, foreshadowing what is to come. The title is the written equivalent of ennui. It needs some punch.

Entry # 6 Intelligent Life?
The clear break down of time is effective in setting up Calvin’s mood. Mandy “yelling” should have been “cheering” or something similar to indicate her joy, not just Calvin’s ire. The part about the dance being old was nice. Overall, I don’t feel a strong pull to keep reading. The title as a question either gives away too much or nothing at all. I recommend a new one.

* Entry # 7 "Party of One"
I get the feeling the opening line is trying too hard. The prose was a little hard to get to, but effective in emotionally pulling the reader into just how Calvin felt, and the level of his paranoia. It seems the title is going to be significant to the entire work. I would love to read more. The title is a little cliché, and not exciting or clear given in this short amount of writing we know there is more than one person in this story.

Best Title - Entry # 3 Sidereal Shift

1st Place - Entry # 7 "Party of One"

2nd Place - Entry # 4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A

3rd Place - Entry # 2 The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras

I liked the joke in this one, but it moved way too fast to really work. The tears and the "how I wish" were a bit melodramatic. I think just having him dumbstruck or wigging out would have been more believable.

Entry # 2 The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras

The timeline of this one was a mystery to me, even though I'd read the synopsis. The thoughts and events were out of order and I had no history or clues in the tense to be able to order them. But I liked the exaggerated responses...dancing a jig and entering self-destruct codes. The personality was the part that worked.

Entry # 3 Sidereal Shift

I liked Calvin's internal pep talk in the beginning, but nothing happened. And I wouldn't know that they were in space or on a ship from what's there.

Entry # 4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A

This one had a lot of personality, but both of the characters were repulsive. I would keep reading this one, but I would do it with more joy if there were a stronger internal connection with Cal or Mandy. I didn't know who I was supposed to relate to--I didn't hear anyone's thoughts. That would have helped me know who I was supposed to like. The sock was a great visual.

Entry #5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls

This was easy to read, even though your italics seemed like they got messed up. But the first main event happened way too quickly. I have no idea where they are or who they are, so I don't really care when the message comes in and tells them to go home.

Entry # 6 Intelligent Life?

I like this one. Calvin is cute, even if he comes off a bit rude. I'd keep reading this one, even though the paragraph breaks seemed off and caused a bit of confusion.

Entry # 7 Party of One

Hmm...this one had so much going for it. The idea was good, but it took three readings before it came through. I had to look up contrails, but even then, I didn't really know what Calvin was seeing. And then "the others" threw me for while. I think I would have gone with something like, "the kids back home"--something to really indicate that his thoughts had just shifted to a totally different topic.

And then there was the "oh yeah?" of Mandy being able to come up with a plan to upset Calvin in that way. I don't see how someone would be able to intentionally inflict that pain on Calvin by sending a message to leave early. I buy that he might feel that way, but I don't buy that Mandy could have known it. I know from the synopsis that Mandy didn't really do that, but I still don't think that Calvin would assume she did. This idea would need a lot more explanation and background to work. I can't hurt for Calvin or hate Mandy for the joke because I don't even know them. And if I hadn't read the synopsis, I wouldn't know that they played jokes on each other and I'd be lost.

Best Title: Passing Time with Purple Swirls
I'd pick up this book, and I feel like the title matches well with the story. It's light and sci-fi.

#1--Intelligent Life?

#2--The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A

#3--Passing Time with Purple Swirls

#1 Upon a Star
Well, I like the immediate tension but the writing did not flow well enough to pull me in. I like the first sentence but then want to know what Cal thinks of this. Is he happy, sad, surprised. It feels a bit stark to me.

#2 The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras
The first two sentences feel like they came from two different stories. I like the rest of it though, a bit funny and wry.

#3 Sidereal Shift
Love the title. I usually like stories that open with dialog, but I expect to instantly be inside someone's head. This dialog felt disconnected. A tighter POV might have helped some.

#4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A
I don't see anything really wrong here, but it does not hook me. It may be the sneering in the third line. I see that as a very negative thing for someone to do and it put me off.

#5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls
Not bad, I would definitely read on.

#6 Intelligent Life?
I loved this one. Where is the rest? 8) Seriously, you hit the tension between Cal and Mandy and their positions without anything really overt. Great job.

#7 "Party of One"
Nice take on the trigger. Different from the others and interesting. The first couple of lines seem a bit overdone, but that may just be me.

Entry #2: The Galactic Adventures…
I liked the tongue-in-cheek attitude of the narrator. It was well written for the most part. Not sure what (whose) “ummi’s shawerma’s and hummus” is/are or why it requires double possessives. Also, I wasn’t sure what the hook was.

Entry #3: Sidereal Shift
I’m not sure what it means, but it’s a cool title. The dialogue in the first paragraph was a little hard to follow due to the short sentences and it being split. I liked the kinesthetic imagery and character development, but it didn’t develop much of a hook for me. I might read on just for the title alone.

Entry #4: The Tale of the Valiant Crew…
I like the “Oscar Madison” feel of Calvin. The Odd Couple is a great theme for two people trapped in a spaceship together. Great imagery too. The “No. Respected for my rank,…” sentence didn’t sound quite right.

Entry #5: Passing Time…
Interesting title – sounds very passive, but maybe something else is meant by “Passing Time”. I agree with someone else who said Cal doesn’t seem too concerned about Mandy’s behavior. The italics seems a little wrong, but not a big deal. It would have been better to focus on her vanishing first, ignoring the synopsis.

Entry #6: Intelligent Life?
Good characterization. It felt like there needed to be more commas in the first sentence. The second sentence is technically a run-on. The “He spun…” sentence was a little goofy. I liked it, but I wasn’t sure what the hook was, other than characterization.

Entry #7: “Party of One”
I really liked the first sentence. The “Just like the lights that…” sentence threw me off. I’m not sure what’s going on here. Does he think the message is a practical joke? The last sentence seems to be somewhat repetitive even though it is showing a continuation of the first sentence. Not sure what the “opaqueness” is supposed to be.

Best Title: Sidereal Shift (by far)

#2 The Galatic Adventures - Good, the first time I read it I was confused by the self destruct codes, then got the humor on a second read. I liked "For Glory and Empire," but overall just didn't grab my attention.

#3 Sidreal Shift - I liked the ocd Mandy who wants perfection yet worries about being mean about it and thought Calvin was represented well too. I really enjoyed the bantering. I would read on.

#4 The Tale of the Valiant - I thought Mandy was a little too unsympathetic. The sneering in the beginning made me not like her, but Calvin being such a slob vindicated her a little. The last sentence was a bit confusing. Overall good job though.

#5 Passing time with Purple Swirls - I liked the different opening but felt everything went so quickly I didn't have time to care what happens to any of them. The hook is good though. I'm wondering about the mystery of the purple clouds.

#6 Intelligent Life - Title isn't great. Good characterization, but weak hook.

#7 Party of One - I had a hard time understanding what was going on in the beginning. When it said it was happening again I thought it meant the contrails and opaquness. Then was confused again when it said he was being kept from a great experience and I didn't know how he made that connection from seeing contrails disappearing.

Best Title - Sidereal Shift

This isn’t grabbing me. I think there is a compression problem, meaning too much crammed into 13. This opening might have worked for me if the scene would have been expanded. I couldn’t buy Cal’s panic or Mandy’s prank the way it is.

Entry # 2 The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras

The word order should have been ordering. Other than that I liked this. The title had an unmistakable old fashion pulp story. The auto-destruct is what hooked me.

Entry # 3 Sidereal Shift

This is very well written. The only complaint I have is that Mandy was a but too polite to be a real convincing stiff-collared busy-body. That last line was grand, though.

Entry # 4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A

The hanging sock was effective. This one appears to be on the otherside of the mirror of # 3. The POV is a complete mystery. The last line could have used some improvement.

entry # 5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls

The title I found intriguing. I liked this opening. I could kinda see where this is headed. The conflict is sly and not as confrontational as others. I was hooked.

Entry # 6 Intelligent Life?

This was funny. I would be in the running if the entries weren’t so strong this week. I would keep reading.

Entry # 7 Party of One[/I]

Nice prose. Cal appears to be very shallow. Good, but not good enough this week.

Best Title - Entry # 3 [b]Sidereal Shift

First - Entry # 2 The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras

Second - entry # 5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls

Third - Entry # 3 Sidereal Shift

Entry # 2: The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras
This version tells me that Calvin tends to go from one emotional near-extreme to the other (although, I’m sure the thoughts of blowing himself up is hyperbolic humor…which I like, but is a practice I’ve long since discontinued in my own writing). My only true hangup: why is six more months with Mandy a bad thing? A small example of what’s up between them would help to justify blowing himself up (hyperbolically speaking, of course).

Entry # 3: Sidereal Shift
The title leaves me thinking I going to be led somewhere I’m not expecting, but unfortunately the momentum stopped there; Calvin thinking Mandy is stupid, and Mandy being too procedurally bound to have much of a discernible personality, isn’t the kind of hook that would get my attention. Perhaps, it’s because this scene feels too casual, and would perhaps fit better if it took place farther along in the story.

Entry # 4: The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A
I didn’t start getting interested until the third sentence. That could be nothing more than the fact that I found Calvin much more interesting than I did Mandy. The hook, for me, was the very last sentence, and while I cannot say it was overly strong, it does hint at some potential problems between them; the aforementioned lack of ‘strength’, for me, comes from the fact that I really don’t care what happens to this version of Mandy

Entry # 5: Passing Time with Purple Swirls
I wasn’t entirely sure who held the POV until I read through it twice. That said, Mandy was portrayed as a bit of a ‘zone’ case. Temporarily blanking the synopsis out of my conscious thoughts, I’m content to read more about her (mostly out of curiosity as to what’s behind the purple swirls), but our POV character doesn’t really give much narrative-delivered thought towards why this might or might not be normal for her. With that in mind, any curiosity I might have for the purple swirls is the lone true hook for me…although the “Leave System HY119 immediately” message at the end helped up the ante.

Entry # 6: Intelligent Life?
The beginning would have had a more effective hook to it, had we known why Calvin wanted to go back to Earth, or, more potentially intriguing, why plotting rocks wasn't good enough. Granted, reorganizing one’s sock drawer could seem more interesting to most of us, but what about Calvin? There's a decent sense of friction between the two characters ("Mandy was yelling about something, again." Was well played), but again it comes across as too casual to be an effective hook.

Entry # 7: Party of One
I wasn’t able to picture this scene in my mind because it's not clear where the scene was taking place: in orbit, or on the ground? I'm also not sure whether Calvin is genuinely tormented, clinically paranoid, or a chronic “Whoa is me” type. It might be worth it to read further, just to see what Amanda is supposedly orchestrating, but in a version with more elbow room.

Best Title – Upon a Star
1st – Upon a Star
2nd - Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras
3rd - Passing Time with Purple Swirls

S!
S!...C!

Entry # 3 Sidereal Shift

Six out of eight voters liked this title. Where we agreed on the title, what we liked was a different story. One story received three first place votes and yet, finished fourth in the voting. Every one received at least one vote.

First - Entry # 2The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras 23 points

Second - entry # 5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls 18 points

Third - Entry # 4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A 16 points

Now who wrote what...

Entry # 1 Upon A Star by Scott

Entry # 2The Galactic Adventures of Mandy and Cal: The Case of the Black Hole Chakras by Billwa Boy

Entry # 3 Sidereal Shift by Betsyhammer

Entry # 4 The Tale of the Valiant Crew of Star Surveyor 1899A by Snapper

entry # 5 Passing Time with Purple Swirls by Phillocinemas

Entry # 6 Intelligent Life? by Satate

Entry # 7 "Party of One" by Crank

The hats gets passed to Billwa Boy. Congrats, Captain.

Great job everyone, and thank you so much for joining in. And thank you Snapper for doing such a great job with the Challenge. Honestly, this is my tiny bit of escape from 14 hours of relentless studying - it's 4AM as I write this! Oh well, one day I'll write more than 13 lines. (Wait...I gotta do that by the 16th of this month. Oh, crap.)

Thanks Besty! I admit I was eyeing that pirate's hat for quite some time. Now that I have it, I'll take good care of it and try to fulfill my duties as Cap'n.

Allright, only ONE more thing to say:

(Ahem)

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

~bb~

Don't forget the hook, the parrot, the peg leg. Betsyhammer handed me this boat slip too. I guess she forgot to pay fee. You'll need to go to a shady bar, get a bunch of guys drunk, then drag them onboard to abuse as your crew. (Ain't Captain fun?)