posted
Please post your first thirteen in this thread by March 11th, using the following format:
Title: Word count: Genre:
First thirteen:
Please do not post anything else in this thread. For discussions and questions, and to see how this group works, please use the ‘Open Discussions’ thread.
I’ll post instructions in this thread as and when necessary. For reference here’s the overall monthly cycle: On the 1st day of the month everyone is invited to post first 13s.
We give ourselves a week or so to do that. This is not time for writing since the stories should be ready for market, but just recognizing that we can't all get to things immediately.
During the week after entries close, we - grade first 13s - request at least one manuscript (via an e-mail to the writer) of the story we'd like to read and grade (probably one whose first 13 we scored highly)
By the last day of the month we - grade at least one manuscript - grade more stories if we want to (e.g. those that have great first 13s in addition to our favourites)
The "end of the day" is the end of the day in your local time. There's no need to be more precise than that.
Lieric heard the first cry as he crested the rise. It was a woman’s voice, crying in pain. The sound was high and brittle in the cold darkness. He shook his head, and closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see. Whatever was happening, he didn’t want to know, didn’t want to become involved. Nevertheless, the great Spear strapped across his back quivered, and Lieric knew there would be no escaping involvement. Just like always. He opened his eyes. Three men stood over a woman who lay on the ground, propped up by one arm, the other flung across her face. The man nearest her raised a wooden club and brought it down across her arm with a dull thud. The woman cried out again, and fell flat.
A few people probably saw this one a while ago, under the title "Copyright".
Nick
Memepool Hard SF About 6040 words
When Bobby first mentioned killing his father, five of us were riding in his authentic 2038 Honda, three in the back seat and me up front with Zack. "Zack, I want to kill my father. I hate him," he said. A large bruise circled Bobby’s eye like a coffee cup stain. It would be easy to remove the bruise, but this version of Bobby seemed to like the way it looked. "You gonna help me kill him ain't you?" He fixed me with a hard look. I never wanted to kill anyone, but it seemed as if the downloaded personality meme driving his behavior wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Where was this urge when my dad was still alive? Would’ve made me a lot happier,” I said. Maybe I could distract him with flippancy. “I like your Dad. I went to see him last week.”
“Good day, Lord Rimbolt,” Aldon told the skeleton inside the black armor. Rimbolt ignored him as Aldon dusted the lord’s glossy black plate-mail.
When he had finished, Aldon was stepping over Rimbolt's sprawled form when he heard a sound like a great oak being slowly ripped in two. He ran towards the sound and found himself facing the high wooden doors to the throne room. One of the doors was already on the floor in splinters. As Aldon watched, the remaining side collapsed under its own weight, and sent billows of dust cascading out to fill the hall.
Aldon sighed, hands on hips. So much dust; it would take weeks to set the hall to rights. He addressed the guards. “Well, my fine guardsmen, this is quite the mess-- no, no, don’t bother yourselves, I’ll get it.”
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited March 04, 2009).]
Title: In A Thousand Lifetimes Word count:6,000 words Genre:Fantasy
Draeken leaned forward, his body trembling. Sweat built on his brow and chased along his withered flesh. He strained to pull his hands apart. “Eb Enog, tsaeb morf woleb.”
Lightning flared around the dark wraith spiraling in a void of darkness. The ground split and partially swallowed the creature from Hell. The demon struggled to pull its massive frame free from the soil seeking to claim it.
Draeken closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. His body shook, a primal growl rising within. Slowly his hands parted.
The demon’s eyes flared and it fell into the void. “Nooo!” One hand clawed its way from the surface, before the earth snapped shut severing arm from body. It fell to the ground then faded in a wisp of smoke.
Carl Baker watched the blue-skinned Flarikam float over the road, as gracefully as a balloon on a string, and land near the foreman. Most of the workers averted their eyes. Carl knew that wouldn’t make a difference. The alien conquerors were technically blind. They couldn’t make eye contact because they had no eyes to make contact with. “Watch it buddy,” the man next to him said. Learning names was pointless these days, so Carl never bothered. “The Overseers might read your mind and stop your heart.” “The Flarikam can’t read minds,” Carl said, as he went back to trimming the hedge. “They’re telekinetic, not telepathic.” “Then how come when my brother tried to shoot one he fell over dead before he got close enough to pull out his gun?”
Actually, I'm wondering if the timing needs to be as strict as I've made it in the past.
I think everyone knows the drill, so let's just go with the flow. And if anyone wants to offer something late, through the month, I see no reason why not ...
posted
Hi everyone, My ratings on the 1st 13. Happy to read all of the stories (Tiergan and Snapper, send ‘em through). As previously noted, I’m pretty grumpy and thus all comments may be taken with a grain of salt. Cheers, Nick.
Title: In A Thousand Lifetimes Word count:6,000 words Genre:Fantasy Rating: 5 As a broad rule, I have an aversion to high fantasy, so it’s tough for me to rate these things objectively. I do read high fantasy, but in order for me to do so, it has to immediately mark itself out as interesting and different for me to even give it a chance. Anyway, this didn’t grab me as much as the other F entries in this month’s challenge. The hook in the other two 1st 13 worked regardless of genre (IMO) and this seems to be a very genre-specific hook; you need to be interested in the tropes of the genre for this to work. It also seems to have a fairly heavy style (“withered flesh”, “spiralling in a void of darkness”, “soil seeking to claim it”, “primal growl”). Once again, it is a matter of personal preference that I tend to like my openings fairly sparse. What I liked about it was that it was clear what was happening and who was doing what. For someone who likes this genre, it might be an effective hook. I wouldn’t read on because I’m a tough sell on this genre. Title: Cold Blooded Killers words: 3750 Genre: Sci-Fi Rating: 7 Yay, a Snapper story! I’ve been waiting to critique one of these for a while. Anyway, nice and sparse opening. I’d hope you’d address why Carl knows the inside details about the aliens when his other workers don’t… if the aliens have so thoroughly conquered earth as to be supervising road repairs, I’d presume that their nature is pretty well known. I’d be willing to take it on face value though, so the opening gets my thumbs up. If it doesn’t get resolved, then the opening would be a disguised info-dump. Oreana Fantasy 5,800 words
Rating: 7 Nice, efficient opening. Sets up the story nicely, giving some insight into character and getting us asking what would happen next. No real quibbles. A Duty to Remember Fantasy About 1,100 words Nice, efficient opening. It hints at the gentle tone of the story and gives us a little bit of mystery. This is another genre opening that I don’t mind at all because it gives us an intriguing character or situation regardless of genre.
quote:Yay, a Snapper story! I’ve been waiting to critique one of these for a while.
Ah, you’re making me blush, Nick. Hope my story doesn’t disappoint you.
Oreana 7
Okay Merlion. I always said I give honest critiques, and honestly this is pretty good. The best I’ve ever seen from you. One nit.
quote:Lieric heard the first cry as he crested the rise. It was a woman’s voice, crying in pain.
The cry echo is distracting and I think this would read a lot better as one sentence. It’s more important because it is the start of your story. Consider…
Lieric heard the woman crying in pain as he crested the rise.
IMO it adds a little extra punch. The rest of it has a clear conflict, good voice, and interesting premise. If the open line had a stronger punch, I would have given it an eight. Not entirely sure what’s going on but intrigued enough to want to read on.
Memepool 7
loved A large bruise circled Bobby’s eye like a coffee cup stain., nice visual.
It has a clear Sci-Fi theme. The premise makes an effective hook. The speech tags need to go.
You should consider making that second paragraph your first and rework that first paragraph to fit as the second. That dialog and description would make a better impact on the reader.
A Duty to Remember 6
I remember reading this in F & F and am eager to read it. I know what the story is about because you explained it in an earlier thread. Without that earlier explanation, I wouldn’t have known what is going on. I prefer some minor changes in wording but other than that, this 13 is better than the original version I read.
In A Thousand Lifetimes 6
I have read and critiqued this already. The opening is probably the weakest part of this story. Building on Draeken’s character (inner thoughts, what he’s going through) right here is the best chance you will have at impressing an editor.
Send one, send all. Willing to read and critique all that wants one.
Very hooky, especially for people who like hard SF and/or the whole mind transfer thing. My only real problem is I'm not sure who Zack is or why he is relevent, or how many people are in the front seat.
A Duty to Remember-7
One definitely wants to read on to find out exactly whats happening. The first line could probably be improved my removing the "Aldon told". I'd probably introduce him with some minor action then have him speak without the tag.
In A Thousand Life Times-6
My main problem here is it feels jumpy between the first line and the second, and then in the second line we have first a wraith, then a demon. Its a little confusing.
Cold Blooded Killers-6
If the Flarikam have no eyes, it seems they would be looking away just because they dont want to look at it...why would they be trying to avoid eye contact with a creature with no eyes?
Seems ok other than that. Looks like the second man is sterotypically not very bright but that may be ok, cant tell without seeing the rest.
posted
Oreana - 6 - I like it. Good prose, though I wish you would cut “Just like always”. The hook for me (seeing as magical spears are somewhat commonplace in fantasy) is somewhat relying on us caring about the girl, and she gets no screen time.
Memepool - 8 - For me, this opening accomplishes everything it needs to. But then again, I’ve read this story, so I cant be sure if one would be confused with the last three or four sentences. A taste of confusion is usually a good hook for me personally; I want to know more.
In A Thousand Lifetimes - 5 -I really didn’t like the foreign language (magic words?) in the first sentence. I immediately felt like they were cliché and nonsense sounding, but I admit to not realizing what they said backwards until the second read (that just added to the cheesyness for me). I think you should just make up some cool sounding magic words, or say it in plain English. After that, the scene is vivid and exciting, but didn’t leave me wanting more. It’s almost a complete story in itself. I don’t really have any questions that need answering or anything to spur me on.
Cold Blooded Killers - 9 - Don’t think you need that first comma, it made me stumble right out of the gate. This is a well crafted opening. It builds some tension, manages some characterization of three different characters, and sinks a mystery-type hook that got to me. One nit: “before he got close enough to pull out his gun” seemed clumsy. Why would he have to be a certain distance before he could pull out his gun? Maybe his heart stopped before he could even get the gun out of the holster or something? Nice work.
[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited March 12, 2009).]
posted
Oreana - 7, I liked this one a lot. I am not a big fan of "was" so I would probably suggest rewording the first 3 sentences some. Lieric heard the first cry as he crested the rise, a woman's voice, high and brittle in the ocld darkness. But i would definitly read on.
Memepool - 6, This one read well. I personally wouldnt read on, hard sf is not my thing at all. But I felt it was well done, and set the mood and made the conflict clear.
A Duty to Remember - 6, This was an intriguing concept, but i felt was a little off. I would suggest with the second paragrpah make it more active. Aldon finished and stepped over Rimbolt's sprawled form. The sound of a great oak being ripped in two ... Also if we are in Aldon's pov then we don't need watched.
Cold Blooded Killers - 7, I liked this one. My only true complaint was the dialgoue tag. You do such a good job with action tags or beats , you don't need them. Well worth the read by the way.
SEND ONE SEND ALL. I would be happy to read all entries this month, send away.
quote:(seeing as magical spears are somewhat commonplace in fantasy)
Really? I see them a lot in mythology but not much in fantasy literature. Although it isn't a spear to try and be unique...its actually partially due to a spear wielding PC I played in an online game :-)
posted
Yeah, I just meant that a magical weapon isn't a big hook in a fantasy story, considering they are a staple. For me, I know it's fantasy going in, so fantastical things are expected. I need more to sink a hook.
Posts: 323 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Story Overall-5 Nice concept/premise, I feel the execution needs some work.
Plot-6 Premise good, mostly needs a better transition from the events at the very begining to the meat of the story.
Milieu-Its hard to rate this for this story because it wasn't very setting-centric. I'say 6 or 7
Suspension of Disbelief-5 I had a little trouble with the easy with which some characters controlled their bodily functions. Breathing in time with a windmill seemed very strange to me.
Unique-6 or 7 its an alien occupation story but I've never seen this exact slant before.
Writing Style-5 A lot of repitition especially heads being ripped open, some awkward phrasing, a few unecessary dashes. Also some slightly intrusive (but not to bad) info dumps.
Dialogue-6 a bit better than the above, although a few of the things I mention there were in dialogue.
Characterization-6 forgot this one the first time. Its hard for me to say here, because I can't tell for sure...I wanted to say this isn't really a character oriented story anyway, but there are things about it that make me unsure. Either way, I didn't really get a very strong sense of any of the characters, save for the unamed worker at the begining...and he was somewhat sterotypical in nature (which can be ok but this was a sterotype that annoys me personally.)
Action-6 Pretty good overall, just reptitive in places.
Ending-7 Not quite to my taste but really pretty ok for the story type.
Understandable-8 Nothing not to get, aside from using the term "telekinesis" to include an almost sonar-like pyschic sense. I think you need a seperate term for the aliens mode of sense, since Telekineses is specifically and solely (linguistically and in general usage at least) moving things from a distance.
The premise of the story is good, and it presents a somewhat new and relatively interesting take on the alien occupation story. The writing itself is just a bit rough in several ways. I could also do with more fleshing out of stuff...I'd like to meet or hear more about the Professor character for instance. The transition from the initial events where the guy talking to Carl is killed into the assasination really needs to be smoothed and clarified. Now I may have missed it, but explosions are mentioned, but I don't remember actually seeing them take place. I say this not unkindly but it seems like a first draft...good idea, just in need of polishing and perfecting.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited March 16, 2009).]
I have read and crit three stories thus far. Only A5's alludes me. I have sent everyone a private crit so unless I get requested otehrwise, I will forgo publically displaying my opinion.
Thanks to Nick and Tierigan for reading my submission as well.
I'm happpy for you to post your opinion on my story publically. The way I see it, I'm working on eventually getting my stories published in the pro-markets. Once they're there, they're open for public comment and review; I've seen quite a few negative reviews on stories in the big three from review sites and on the magazine's own forums. May as well get used to being exposed.
posted
I agree. I apreciated your line crit, but the RFM is supposed to be about a more pared-down aproach, and I'd be interested to see your opinion expressed in terms of the rating system.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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posted
In a thousand lifetimes by Tiergan Story overall: 5
There’s potential in the circular nature of this story, but there’s a lot of necessary background information that isn’t given to us. The lack of background makes the story very difficult to follow, especially in the early sections as motivation for certain actions is missing. What these motivations are becomes clear later in the story, I spent a fair part of the narrative thinking “why did that happen?”
Character development: 6
I’d probably like to see a little more depth to the characters. Draeken’s motivation is clean and clear, but there’s little depth to him. Outside of Draeken, the lack of backstory makes it difficult to get a handle on anyone else. Plot: 4
This probably ties into the lack of clearly explained necessary backstory, but the plot of Draeken being manipulated doesn’t have the resonance it should because of the confusion.
Ending: 6
The ending works for me and I do like its circular nature; it just doesn’t have the impact it could because we simply don’t know enough about Draeken to get fully involved with him.
Milieu: 6
Fairly well established milieu
Disbelief: 7
Within the context of the genre, nothing challenged my suspension of disbelief.
Unique: 5
This is fairly stock-standard high fantasy, so the target audience isn’t going to read it for its originality. I’d prefer to see a few Dialogue: 5
Some of the dialogue didn’t ring true to me, though generally it functioned as intended. Writing style: 6
I’m not a fan of high fantasy description, so the style was somewhat lost on me. Regardless, I still think some of the writing can be pared back. Action: 6
I view action as “do the actions of the protagonist drive the plot?” To a large degree, the literal Deus Ex Machina that drives the story render Draeken a little bit passive, though he does perform the crucial action in the story.
Understandable: 4
The weakest part of this story. If you can clarify who some of the supporting characters are, actions and events become a lot more understandable.
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited March 20, 2009).]
Story overall: 5 – I think it’s pretty well-executed, but nothing terribly unique. I feel like I’ve read your story a bunch of times, and there just wasn’t anything that stood out enough to overcome the well-worn plot.
Character development: 6 – What there is is ok. I could have used more of the relationship between the MC’s, so their actions were a little more believable.
Plot: 5 – It was fine, if not particularly fresh.
Ending: 7 – Perfectly suitable ending. No surprises.
Milieu: 4 – Not much going on here, generic fantasy setting.
Disbelief: 7 – It was fine.
Unique: 4 – Not really. I feel like a story like this one needs to have some unique spin on a standard story in order to be really effective.
Dialogue: 7 – Good job here. I think the dialogue scenes were some of your strongest.
Writing style: 7 – Seemed fine.
Action: 6 – Good and clear.
Understandable: 7 – Yep. I got it.
I think if you want to sell this one, you need to infuse it with something that is uniquely you. Otherwise it’s just another wandering hero slays monster/falls in love story.
Story overall: 3 – I really liked the opening, then it became very familiar to me, to the point where it became predictable. I must say, I did like the idea of a magical spear, swords have been way over done Character development: 4 – They were cliché. The hero, the damsel that needs saving, and the superstitious town folk. One suggestion, watch the word ‘whore’. It can be very derogatory to many.
Plot: 4 – Seen it. Hero comes to town, saves girl, they band together and defend ungrateful town from nasty enemy.
Ending: 3 – Perfectly predictable ending. The damsel dying reminded me of Tyne Daly in The Enforcer.
Milieu: 6 – This could use some improvement. However, I did like the description of the monster
Disbelief: 6 – Only real issue was the woman giving birth to such a monster.
Unique: 4 – Nope, for the reasons I already gave. You will really need to think outside the box to not make it unique.
Dialogue: 4 – It’s the main reason why I think it is so cliche. The dialog reminded me of a B western.
Writing style: 5 – Seemed fine.
Action: 6 – It was okay, although the fight scenes could use a notching up.
Story overall: 6 – Very strong Sci-fi story with implications that mirror the news today (genetic tailoring the unborn). It took me a third of the story to get an idea what the story was about and over half of it to realize the MC was gay, which ended up being important.
Character development: 7 – Good. The MC’s friend ended up being a bit bland.
Plot: 7 – Well constructed. Could use a little clarity.
Ending: 2 – Hated it. IMO it wasn’t an ending at all.
Milieu: 7 – Decent but I still had trouble picturing your world and the people in it.
Disbelief: 6 – Still didn’t get the MC’s father and his motives. In a way, the late genius may have been diabolical.
Unique: 8 – Very original. That alone makes it a contender in a lot of publications.
Dialogue: 7 – Fine.
Writing style: 7 – It lacks clarity but the middle section I found outstanding.
Action: 6 – Wasn’t much, the tension was more psychological.
Understandable: 5 – I had trouble with the conclusions and motives, but I did get the gist of it.
The faceless friends in the beginning should be cut out of the story. You have an idea that is bigger than the story you wrote. I think you should reexamine the big picture, and for heaven sakes, write an ending.
Story Overall-6 Its a nifty concept and pretty well done...what you seem to be trying to do here isn't easy to do well.
Character Development: Not really sure how to rate this as the development of the character's personalities isn't really a terribly important part of the story. I'm going to say 7
Milieu: Another one not really relevent much to this story in my opinion. More clarity about what "small folk" means in this story might be good. I'm saying 6
Plot: 6 the premise is good but I think we need to know more about whats going on...I was rather unclear about that their were two amulets, and why. Also I didn't feel I really knew why the MC had become delusional.
Disbelief-8 fine within context
Unique-7 Never really seen this done in a fantasy context.
Action: Not enough to rate
Writing Style-6 Just a little rough in places
Dialogue-As above though there isn't much dialogue
Ending-8 it's exactly whats intended I believe
Understandable-6 I basically understand whats going on but there are some things that leave me wondering a bit, mostly for the reasons I mention under Plot
This story tries to do some pretty challenging things with plot and point of view and doesn't miss the mark by much. A little more work and polish should do the trick.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited March 26, 2009).]
Story overall: 6 – Great Sci-fi element. One of the strongest, I have read in this department.
Character development: 6 – I didn't feel for the characters. I think as with most writers, me included this could be worked on.
Plot: 7 –
Ending: 4 – I didnt feel there was an ending. I like endins, I feel if I devote time to read a story it should be there and it wasnt.
Milieu: 6 – The world wasnt hard for me to picture, but it didnt really stand out other than the monument.
Disbelief: 6 – I didnt really have much reason to disbelieve.
Unique: 9 – As I said in the beginning this was a very strong idea, and original. Of course I don't read any hard sci-fi.
Dialogue: 7 – Seemed normal to me.
Writing style: 7 – I think the writing style was strong on its own.
Action: 5 – Wasn't really any action to speak of. The one chance to do it was the ending and it was cut.
Understandable: 4 – I was lost. I don't read hard sci-fi, so that could be it. I got the gist, but the whole thing with the father seemed to carry on and lost me very early on it the story.
General thoughts: the strongest point was the originality. My main problem was, I was lost, I read the first 5 pages, and stopped. I came back later, and reread them and conitued, but was unable to finish, stopping a mere 4 pages short of the story. This can't happen. It can't. At that point I should feel for the characters and crave the ending. I didnt. The writing itself was strong as the uniqueness, it was just too much for me. This could be becuase I don't read hard sci-fi. In short, more character development, less back story, and i think you could really make this with its originality a strong piece.
Story overall: 6 – I liked the story, it was as has been said before stock fantasy. But i like stock fantasy if done well.
Character development: 4 – As i said in my thoughts of NickT's memepool, I believe this is the part most writers,me included need to work on the most. The characters seemed 2 dimensional. I wanted deeper feelings, and with a peice like this that is predictable, we need them.
Plot: 6 – It was there, a little mystery about the spear, but have seen its like before.
Ending: 4 – The ending was expected, and it fell flat for me. It goes back to character development I believe. A hero falls for a damsel and he has to kill a monster, that in doing so will kill her and -- I didnt cry. I should have, at the least if i felt the characters welled up, choked up. I cry during Bambi.
Milieu: 6 – Had no true issues here, but also didnt feel overwhelmed or drawn so much in.
Disbelief: 7 – No, i believed it all.
Unique: 5 – Been there done that. But, that doesn't matter to me, I like stock fantasy.
Dialogue: 5 – This probably was more to do with the character development. I just didnt feel for them, so their words seemed off, and too generic.
Writing style: 6 – No problem here.
Action: 6 – This is generally where you shine Merlion, i like your fight scenes, the 2 pieces I have read of yours. But the final fight dragged on, and I found myself skipping sentences ahead to get to finish the scene. I think it could be cut down, and let your writing speak for the intensity of the fight versus so many pages making the final fight important. Does that make sense?
Understandable: 7 – I got it.
Final thoughts: Stock fantasy, not a problem for me, but it most be excellent for it to work. A piece like this with the ending as predictable as it was needs to have great characters. i feel with your hero, you have a chance, show his torment thorughout the story, build on the relationship with the damsel, and then, if we have fallen for your characters we, the reader, will not care that it wasnt the must unique piece, because if done correct, you will leave tears in our eyes, and and pain in heart. A woman died, because he killed a monster she had given birth to: Emotions, play on them and you can build this piece.
Story Overall-7 I liked it. It had a good feel, and more depth, the more you read.
Plot-6 Good. No problem here.
Milieu-7 the setting wasnt real sci-fi, but yet it all felt real, from the windmill to the fields.
Suspension of Disbelief-8 no disbelief. I went sky diving when I was 18. I should say parachuting, because back then, your first jump was static line. You climbed out, and hung from the strut beneath the wing of the plane at 4,500 feet. The instructor gave you a thumbs up, and you let go. My point. Most poeple thought it should be scary. It was a little. But truth, they had me so focused on the little steps to get out on the wing, that i didnt feel fear until I let go. So mind over matter is easy, if programmed correctly. By the way, when I let go, begin 6 foot 3, my armspan was too close together and i fell head over heels until the chute released. total blaset,
Unique-7 - I don't read sci-fi much. I am sure the alien take over is fairly common, but the twist with the hiding the feelings the therapist, classic snapper by the way, seemed unique to me.
Writing Style-6 Probably biased here, I have read a lot of his stories and like his voice.
Dialogue-6 No real problem here. I just don't want to give too high of marks and swell his head, him being a wolverine fan and all, he should keep his feet on the ground, escpecailly after last season, or last seasons for that matter.
Characterization-6 I felt this was one story that, you couldnt allow too much characterization, in depth pov, as the mc was trying to hide his thoughts and heart rate the entire time, so i felt it worked well. I would have liked to have seen more of the therapist.
Action-7 I felt the action scenes were fluid and well paced. The only nit would be every head exploded. At first it felt repetative but, then seemed correct considering the cold blooded state he put himself into.
Ending-5 This was my only problem with it. It actually wasnt bad, 5 is average right? The scene break was jarring to me, and the different pov. Felt a little like a wrap up.
Understandable-8 Got it.
Final thoughts: I liked it. I wished the therapist angle was shown more. His thoughts and words are there, but still I found myself wanting to know the mysterious man behind the shadows. The ending. I can't remember my thoughts on the full crit, but remember thinking it was close but not quite there, the pov switch threw me at first, but the more I thought of it, its just the suddeness of it. I think if it were smoothed over, then the aspect of the next "cold blooded killer" stepping in to fill the void left by the wounded man would feel right and add to it, showing that if one man fell another would rise to take his place.
posted
Just read my posts. My typing is off tonight, I hope you get the gist, and I wasnt too hard. Have given full crits to Merlion, and Snapper already. NickT if you want to resend your piece in rtf/word or simialar format would be happy to attempt to return the excellent crit you gave me. AlliedFive I never got your story, if you still want another crit, feel free to send my way.
quote:NickT if you want to resend your piece in rtf/word or simialar format would be happy to attempt to return the excellent crit you gave me.
I've received a couple of good crits on this one and it seems as if there is a consensus on the problem areas, so I think I can do without a full crit. It doesn't look like you've noted any additional problem areas (sigh) in your posted review.
quote:I'd be grateful if someone would offer to host RFM for a while ...
I can do it as long as I get a lowdown on exactly what's involved (setting up a thread in the main area and then challenge section right?)
Remaining crits to follow.
Nick
[This message has been edited by Nick T (edited March 29, 2009).]
Story overall: 4 – I agree with everyone else that while the opening is very sharp, the story is too predictable from there. Clichés and tropes are useful if they exploit the elements that people like about them, but there still needs to be something fresh about how they are used. I thought I’d get a very fresh approach to the tropes when it hinted in the opening that your protagonist was obligated by his magic spear to intervene, but you didn’t run with this idea.
Character development: 4 – The opening was promising with the protag placed into conflict against his will, but the characters stayed static throughout the story. The others were pretty stock standard.
Plot: 3 –As noted in my review, I really wanted something different to happen somewhere in the middle of this story. Events happened as I expected them to.
Ending: 5 – Pretty predictable ending, though at least it doesn’t cop out by giving us an implausible happy ending.
Milieu: 7 – I was pretty happy with the milieu within the confines of the tropes. Disbelief: 7 – No real problems with suspension of disbelief.
Unique: 3 – Biggest problem with this story I think. It’s not so much that you use clichés as in the way you use them. There’s nothing wrong with using well-worn elements, but something has to compensate and I don’t think enough does here.
Dialogue: 5 – The dialogue really varied wildly. A lot of it added to the overall clichéd feel of the story, but there was the occasional line that, to me, really hinted at well-rounded characters. If the dialogue can consistently rise to the level of your best lines, then the clichéd feel of some of the story can be mitigated.
Writing style: 6 – Minor nits, but generally pretty strong.
Action: 6 – Things kept moving along without too much exposition or info dumping. I had a problem with the fight scenes, but that might depend on context.
Story overall 6: It needs a little more length (depending on the market), the magic could better explained and there are passive constructions littered throughout, but these are all pretty minor points. The mood and tone of the piece are fantastic and I think this piece only needs some minor tweaks to work.
Character development 6: Always difficult at flash-length. I could have done with a bit more light and shade from the supporting characters, but no real complaints.
Plot 6: As above, plot is difficult with flash pieces. This works as a mood piece, but felt a little incomplete due to its nature as flash. I picked the ending pretty early, though it’s hard to disguise this with the restrictions in length.
Ending: 7: Suits the mood and the tone of the piece, I wouldn’t change it.
Milieu 7: Within the confines of flash, I thought the basics were draw well. The strength of this story lies in the mood of sadness and that’s well drawn by the description of decay.
Disbelief 6: The magic needs to be better explained, though I took it on face value. If I’d thought about the magic a little bit more, the holes in the story would have become more apparent, but it worked on a quick read through.
Unique: 7: While not mind blowing, it’s fresh enough to make the story work.
Writing style 6: There were some passive constructions and redundant information, but generally pretty tight.
Action 6: Not much action obviously, but it works as a mood piece.
Understandable: 6: Straightforward, the magic probably needs to be fleshed out to stand careful reading.
quote: I can do it as long as I get a lowdown on exactly what's involved (setting up a thread in the main area and then challenge section right?)
Yes, that's it. I've been copying previous such postings, editing dates and including something in the main area posting to encourage newcomers, hopefully.
posted
Sorry folks. Got distracted. I read Tiergans but he’s beyond needing a grade from me. If he wants I’ll post one but I don’t think you need it. You know how I feel about it.
A Duty to Remember by Alliedfive
Story overall: 7 – Which means I think its ready (almost). Good story. It didn’t WOW! me but it did make me smile.
Character development: 7 – Good. An ageless servant stuck in his duties. He needed to be a little crazy (well maybe more than a little) to pull it off. I think you did it. The king (what little there was of him) was done well.
Plot: 7 – Well constructed.
Ending: 8 – Liked it and found the irony of it.
Milieu: 7 – Good. Made your story believable.
Disbelief: 7 – I bought it, which was crucial.
Unique: 7 – Original.
Dialogue: 5 – Fine, what little there was and most of that was with skeletons.
Writing style: 6 – A little overwriting, IMO.
Action: 6 – Wasn’t much, but what there was I liked.
Understandable: 7 – No trouble with me.
I disagree with the others. All this needs is some trimming. It’s 1100 words and you can cut 100 easily. If you do, you will have an excellent chance of a sale in a lot of flash type markets. I found this one the best and closest to marketability. Well done, A5.
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