quote:Earon had little time to react before the solar flare exploded beyond the horizon of the heat shield. Doctors called the result “ghosting”. The glare of stellar material is bright enough to cause instant, permanent blindness. The optic nerves die so quickly that the victim feels no pain. Survivors even claim that the last thing they see is burned into their retinas… sometimes for days… before their world goes completely black. If not for Sarai's warning, Earon would have been among them. Her voice blasted suddenly across the comm. Earon slapped his visor down at the last possible moment. Everything went dark, but only for a heartbeat. Then the flare arched around the heat shield dome. Despite the visor filtering more than 99 percent of the visible spectrum, the inside of his helmet exploded in a cascade of white. He screamed, eyes clinched shut in agony.
Critiques:
a) In general, the story was very well written. The main problem was that for horror, the ending was fairly predictable. On my first reading, I thought it took a little too long to introduce the conflict, but the second time, I thought that the opening was nice setting info. I liked a lot of the descriptions, but I would have like more info about the shield that he is maintaining. Also, the transition to the reveal of what haunts him felt like the author's presence was there more than I prefer. The “he remembered” felt off, perhaps because we are so close in his POV. Just going straight to a concrete image of a scene would have worked for me or a scene break and then the flashback. I also was uncertain as to the fate of the woman- she tried to kill herself but failed. So, is she now in an asylum somewhere or did she die in the catastrophe that led to the shield? Another personal preference thing for me would have been the ending. He had just done all this work on getting everything back in line so then he sees the body and basically undoes it all made the tension from the last scene feel artificial.
b) This seems a study of one man's psychotic episode in an unusual environment. I didn't quite get where he was at first, and never got a good strangle hold on that until deep in the story (where it stated that he was on a regular maintenance mission to “Dyson nodes” whatever they were. I know Dyson Spheres, but what is a Dyson Cloud?). A couple of things seemed inconsistent - why did Sarai accelerate the ship away prior to the node being fixed? Who exactly was the white woman (his daughter or his wife)? Because almost all his actions and vision could be attributed to madness, it didn't seem to give a real satisfying zing at the end. Furthermore, the opening seemed almost irrelevant to the rest of the story, offering a promise (about difficulties with surviving a harsh environment) that didn't get fulfilled.
c) Man. Good story. I felt confused as i read it, but by the end you had answered all the questions I had. Creepy, and cool. Great work. Go sell this somewhere.
d) Well, it's a bit dark for my taste. It's generally well-written. I'm assuming that the White Woman is Earon's presumably dead wife. But I don't understand why he wouldn't think of her that way or by name, rather than as “the White Woman”. And what does any of it have to do with the sun flare that started the story? All in all, it just left me confused. I don't see a real tie-in to the trigger on this one, either. This might be one that just needs to be longer to work.
e) Ewww... Horrifying! I thought this was, as dark stories go, really gripping. A few things bothered me here and there, from the introductory technobabble (what are SMEs?), to the use of contemporary technology (LEDs? might they not have something better?), to a couple of awkward passages (hear the familiar whispers / supercharged electrical / was now aimed) to introducing the first encounter with the white woman as moments of darkness, suddenly switching white, or describing the white woman's green eyes as smoldering embers (wouldn't that imply redness?). Other than that the prose seemed pretty solid. Nevertheless this is mostly nit-picky; overall the effect was terrifying, the world imaginative and believable and Earon's last decision seemed both natural and horrifying. Great work.
f) Eagan is an astronaut that is haunt by a murdering ghost thing. First read: I need to read this again. I am not sure who or what this woman is. I am hoping a second read will help me put this together. Vivid writing, convoluted plot. Second read: One question remained; who is she? A ghost, his wife, an alien? Earon appeared to know but I didn’t. Knowing would have helped. The first scene made a nice hook, solar flare putting the MC in danger. The details of what could go wrong I found compelling. Too bad the flare mattered little to the story. He remembered a day before the Earth’s skies grew dark and cold. This and the info in the following paragraphs should be moved closer to the start. I think for this to work we need to learn more of Eagan’s history, what the white woman has to do with him, more details of the universe (what is the deal with the dyson cloud?), and a hint of the ending possibility. The solar flare erasing the strange woman shouldn’t just spring up. If the MC was intending to use the flare to combat the thing, the reader should have a notion that Eagan has some plan in place. Even if it is a desperate one. At the moment he is just a helpless victim. More information is needed for this story to work, IMO.
g) The beginning is very strong. The horror elements and use of setting is powerful. But the ending doesn’t connect with the beginning, and this story would be so much better if it did. The whole ghosting image of a retinal burn was never referred to again and really plays no role in the story, but it is such a big part of the beginning. Also, the only emotion displayed by Earon is horror; I don’t get a sense of remorse for abandoning his wife or killing his captain who saved him from permanent blindness. There also needs to be a hint that the woman he is killing is really the captain before she is killed, maybe seeing a streak of blonde hair, or having the woman say something to subtly indicate who she really is. Finally, the name Earon bugged me. I couldn’t get past Ear. Overall, I really enjoyed this story.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
quote:Dragons couldn’t always breathe fire. I bet you didn’t know that. They weren’t as smart as they are now, either. It all goes back to the time of Wyreth Flame-Finder. Now Wyreth was small for a dragon, even back then when dragons weren’t as big as they get now. And he only survived because he was quick and because he was smarter than the other dragons. And maybe because he was stubborn, too. But even so Wyreth had a hard time of it. He was always last for everything, because dragon society is built entirely on who can bully everybody else. If you’re bigger or stronger than the others, you eat first, you get the best and sunniest sleeping spots, and, if you’re a male, you get most of the females come mating season. Wyreth was the smallest dragon. So he always ate last, had the worst and coldest sleeping spot, and none of
Critiques:
a) You said it was a fable, and it read that way. But the “telling” feel and themes of bullying and freedom through physical power, made it sound like it was intended for a sub-teen audience. But aside from that, I really enjoyed this. It was full of good ideas, its description had me imagining the scenes quite vividly. Well done.
b) This was a fun little piece with a very distinctive voice. I wasn't sure what to make of it at times though; the voice seemed to largely stay in a juvenile (as in, aimed at juveniles) storyteller mode, from the juvenile Wyreth and his little kiddies down to phrases like "Now Wyreth was small for a dragon". But occasionally it seemed to veer out in either the adult direction (the very devil to pass, or the general topic of mating), or a patronising one (I bet you didn't know that). I thought it was interesting, and just a bit neat, that the dragons don't talk. I have to say, I didn't like the ending though. Wyreth buys it, the little guy who was always getting picked on. Yeah, so his progeny live on, and there's some esoteric satisfaction in that, but golly, I was rooting for Wyreth. And if Wyreth's demise is the result of being a slave to flame (so to speak) then what horrors await his little ones! Although the storyteller style could be said to be 'telling' I felt the narrator 'showed' fairly well with this. The places where it seemed more tell-y, like "Wyreth knew he was in trouble" still worked for me. If anything though, what they did was bring more attention to the narrator than the story throughout, and I'm not sure how much I really felt moved by that.
c) The story was creative and cute and I think the distant storyteller like narrator was a good choice for the story being told. However, because of that distance, it was hard to get really attached to the characters and see them as more than just symbols (which is true of many characters in fables). To pull this off, the voice would have to be stronger and do most of the work of the story. I think focusing a bit more on his pride and how that led to the dragons downfall would have made for a stranger story.
d) Good, Clean. My only issue, is that I want to know who the narrator is. it feels like a tale for children, except for the dragon mating, and the MC dying.
e) A runt of a dragon discovers how to breathe fire thus changing the lineage of dragons forever. This one was written for a younger crowd. It would do well in a children’s book. For an older crowd though this is overwritten. The prose needs tightened. The narration would do better if this was done in a first POV or a tight third.
f) I usually don’t enjoy fable-type stories, but this was cute. I have just a few issues. First of all, Wyreth had indigestion because he gulped down his food too fast, how is that passed on to his children? Also, you need to hint that dragons pass on memories in their blood before the end. It felt tacked on.
g) This story is intended to be a fable; that I understand. Unfortunately, as a short story, the tone doesn't feel quite right. The author refers to the reader all too often, breaking that fourth wall. The very beginning of the story even includes the line, “I bet you didn't know that”. The comment seemed a little too smug. While, as dialogue, the story could work, the reader is never introduced to the speaker of the story. As a result, I never achieved the point where I suspended my disbelief. As for content, the story was more or less “cute”. It was a bit cookie-cutter; replace “dragon” with “reindeer” and tone down the bloody ending, and this is essentially the story of Rudolph. As for the ending, I'm not sure killing the main character was necessary. The death wasn't tragic. It wasn't shocking. It simply was. There was no real climax as the main character met his end, and he certainly knew nothing of how his progeny would have the “last laugh”. As for the trigger, I did see a connection to “Slave to Flame”. While fire is certainly a key aspect, the protagonist was in no way a slave to it. He used it as his tool to rise to power, but that was it. Overall, it was a cute story with a rushed ending.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
quote:The stars were out already. Viona leaned back and floated on the trembling ocean. The water seeped through her hair, washing out the last six months sweat and ash. The air was cool and salty. She felt cold. Oh Goddess, did it feel good to be cold. She back-flipped and dove under the water. Her fin brushed against the vibrant coral, and she soaked in the rough texture of the coral, the twinkling moonlight on the surface, the tiny fish that swam away from her as if she were a gate shark. She soaked in the feeling of home. She swam away from the island of the Mother Flame, perhaps further still than she should have. They would not have let her leave if they had known she would come out this far. They would not have let her leave if they knew this time she wasn't coming back.
Critiques:
a) This may be the best use of the trigger. Good writing, too. I wish I knew what was so critical about those flames, though. Why are the flames necessary to “keep the people safe”? What are they for? If I understood the stakes, I might feel the conflict between love and preserving the flames better. Without that, it feels more like a meddling friend rather than an epic choice between duty and love.
b) This felt like the aftermath of a story - all the decisions were made off screen and all we were left with were the relics of them. We need to see what is at stake before we hear the decisions made, we need to root for the heroine/hero, knowing what they really want before their sacrifice gains any real meaning. And we need reasons to root for them that are different to the final crisis, pointers leading us to understand who they are before we understand the strength of the crisis.
c) Some of the images were very interesting and well done. I was a little confused on what their magic was supposed to be doing. While tradition says it is important, what specifically is it important for. It can still be suggested that this tradition may not be meaningful, but there should be a little more details. Obviously a large amount of magic is being used, so, where does that go. Several of Driadra's lines felt forced and unnatural. That might just be her character, but maybe a thought saying that she always speaks formally would help clarify that. I also was curious about the line regarding “bring out the worst of her, even children.” In that line, I saw a very different culture in terms of priestess relationship (obvious not virgins) which made me wonder why a part time relationship couldn't keep working. The images of going through the sea and the fire were great and showed the characters of the two mermaids nicely.
d) I really liked some elements of this story's opening. In particular was the way the mermaid (assuming that is what Viona is) is introduced: merely with a fin. And yet it was that same motion that broke it for me, this idea of her rubbing against the coral, feeling its texture. This struck me as unrealistic, either cutting at her skin or causing her to damage the more fragile life that resides there. The relationship between Driadra, Viona and Dark lord is not clear to me by the end. I felt it should be, to make more sense of events. Is Driadra Viona's daughter, and Dark lord Viona's husband? I felt there was a lot of depth to this story, but it was hiding under the surface where I couldn't quite locate it; I didn't pick up the reason for Viona's sacrifice of not returning to the water, or why she was bound to serve the people and the flame. The prose was great, apart from a couple of awkward moments (she could feel that fear wrap around her body and nestled in around her neck / A few of the priestess's magic would not return), and there were some great images here.
e) Viona wishes to leave her responsibility to her people for her love, but responsibility can be as strong as true love. Beautifully written. Too bad I was never sure what I was reading. Three characters all have strong ties but I am not sure why. The magic was mysterious to me. I need to know more to be able to enjoy this. Clarify the story but maintain that strong prose.
f) This is a story that I would like to see fleshed out a bit more. There are a lot of interesting elements that are not fully developed. I think the importance of the flames needs to be explained, and why Vionna is so needed at the temple. What would happen to their people if she left? This story would be more powerful if the relationships between the characters (Vionna and her lover, Vionna and Driadra, and Driadra and her brother??) were better developed. But overall, I liked this one a lot.
g) Good tie to the trigger material. Viona truly is a slave to the flame in this tale, even if I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of the flame is. It was interesting to see her wavering motivations. The author drew a nice contrast between her home was it was when she believed she was fleeing the flame and her home as it was when she was returning to it. I was hoping for more of a climax. The final scene between Driadra and Viona's mate seemed too quick. There was some powerful verbage used and a few nice descriptions, but it let me ultimately wanting more. The author teases us with some kind of history between the two, even hinting at it in the second-to-last paragraph: “even when they were children”. There was more story to be told, and I was disappointed at where it left off. Overall, a good picture painted in a surrealistic world. Not exactly my subject matter of choice, but the author managed to paint a believable mermaid world without ever using the word 'mermaid'. And I only thought of Arial for the first few paragraphs. That was it. Honest.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
quote:The letter shook in Ahmed's hand, its envelope falling to the office floor, discarded. He affected an uncomfortable laugh and glanced at his aide. "This must be a joke." "He didn't tell me what it was," she said with a shrug. "He only said this was why senate candidates must be fluent in languages from antiquity." Ahmed walked to the window overlooking the street and dismissed her. As she excused herself he stared at the letter again, running his fingers over the Electoral College letterhead and the words burning at him. Your time travel assignment. Watching the bustle of the city street outside, only one
Critiques:
a) This was the only story here that I would have been happy paying for. Well done. Having said that, I think it could be improved. You fall into a trap of believing that the audience knows more than they do about the era, and need to add some more detailed information into the story. In particular, I had no idea why Nero blamed the Christians, what his motives were for choosing them. As this resonates with the lesson that Ahmed “learned”, it needs more explanation. As it is, I am not yet sure whether his new understanding was “know who to blame to avoid losing popularity”, or “know how to be two faced” - after all, he is a Senator.
b) I really like this story, even though the connection to the trigger is thin. It was a fun read. I'm not entirely sure just what Ahmed was supposed to learn from Nero. Find somebody else to blame? Identify an enemy to unify the people? That was a bit of a let down. Before his trip back, it was intimated that he should compare Nero's goals with how he was remembered, but I didn't really get a feel for what Nero's dreams were supposed to be. I would have liked that element to be a little more developed.
c) I like the trigger tie in. I like the idea of a timetraveller seeing Nero, though I don't remember enough history to make the subject matter particularlly interesting. I have issues with Ahmed. I don't know anything about him, except that he is a young senator from Tehran and that it is in the future. I don't know why he wanted to be a politian, what he needs to discover from Nero, if he is married, or has any ties to the future world, Why he studied an ancient dialect, etc. The only person he talks to( in the first thirteen) doesn't even have a name. I really thought he woulld die in the past, and I kind of didn't care. On the rewrite, I would suggest adding more roots into the future, mentioning what he really hope to accomplish by risking his life, and why he choose to do it ( beyond because he would look bad if he didn't.)
d) Interesting idea. I am a bit confused on old ambitions/new ambitions. What were his original ambitions and how did they change? I liked the description of ancient Rome and comparison of what was now vs then, also his horrible accent was amusing. Gaius seems to imply the plan is to let the rich houses burn to give Nero the land he needs (or did I misunderstand that) but Nero orders the people to save the houses, let the temple burn. I guess I was confused at what the plot was- to burn the rich houses, the poor houses, the temples? Also, the end moral did not seem to fit the story. Nero manipulates to get what he wants, even up to the end. I didn't see where he was being forced into anything due to the people's will. But I could have just missed that part. Also, was the non-Roman woman from the future?
e) A young senator steps back through time to observe the politics of ancient Rome. Strong story. I saw a few passages that could use some tweaking but the narration was done very well. The problem is this was not exciting to me. Ahmed mostly interacts with Gaius and that character does little to the piece as a main antagonist. This is a story of a politician observing ancient politics and that description is as exciting as it gets. If the author is hoping to market this may I suggest you write in an element of danger or urgency the reader can experience. What struggle there was unconvincing to me.
f) This story is a nice exploratory piece. There's obviously a liberal helping of imagination that serves to question history, and that's refreshing. I enjoy seeing art challenge convention, and this piece does just that. As a fictional short story, it stands pretty strongly on its own up until the introspective ending. The climax worked out in the main character's head. I would have preferred to see a different path. I wanted to see some conscious decision made by the protagonist. I'm not sure specifically what that could have been. Perhaps he chose to stay in that time era. Or perhaps he took a piece of the ancient world back with him aside from gleaned experience. In any case, while his vision of Nero had changed, his outlook on life might not necessarily have. Stylistic: I was easily able to believe I was in ancient Rome. Perhaps a bit too much. The story reminded me heavily of Gladiator. I believe some of the names are identical. Not that different fictional pieces can't borrow from the same figures of history, but I couldn't escape that impression. Still, there was enough of an image drawn of ancient Rome that I was able to lose myself in the fantasy. A good piece that suffers a bit at the end with a weak climax.
g) Interesting idea. Nice details about Rome. I don’t really care about Ahmed. There is not much to him beyond political ambitions and an interest in history, and telling Giaus that Nero might burn Rome wasn’t the brightest thing to do. Maybe I missed something, but I don’t see how Nero was a slave to the mob. I didn’t feel that he sacrificed anything to keep his popularity. Maybe if the story focused a little more on Nero, I would have a better feel for who he was.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
quote:Beck squeezed between two steel cargo containers. There was barely enough room for him to stand, but he felt freer here then anywhere else on this blighted ship. With so many of the crew dead, finding a place to be alone shouldn’t be so damn hard. He pulled out the round metal tube from a pocket in his jumpsuit. He rolled the tube around his hands in anticipation. With a little smile on his face, he pulled the lid off. A blue flame leapt toward him, flickers of purple and red and orange and even green within the flame. Synthetic, like everything else but beautiful. So many colors, all at once and in one place. He had almost forgotten that things existed that were not gray. He clasped hold of the tube as though it were a
Critiques:
a) What a grim story. Well written. I like how the future is less colorful and the synthetic flame. It does make me wonder what will happen next. The survivors will all be shipwrecked on the enemy planet. This feels like a first chapter in an interesting novel. The part with Rick having a conversation with his wifes picture was disturbing and awesome. Maybe consider expanding the story.
b) Not a very strong tie-in to the trigger, but an interesting story. Some of it needed a little more explanation. I'm still not sure what “the Tubes” are, for example. I was a little confused by the ending. It seemed like the ship burned up, but Beck had only intended to disable the engines. A well-written account of one man's brush with insanity.
c) Slave was interesting. It was among my favourite openings for its quiet look inside Beck's mind, but I would have liked to see that the steel containers and his jumpsuit were grey before he sees the colours, so that his thought about things existing that were not gray didn't seem contrived or melodramatic. Overall the story seemed like a decent idea. There was plenty of imagination there, and plenty of ennui at Beck's intolerable situation. I felt though that this was a little overdone at times, becoming too introspective. If his situation could have been shown more through his action, if I'd been able to experience it more than being told about it, I'd have felt more attached to him. I thought Dodd's dialog was a little choppy and on the nose, not really allowing me to see him as anything other than a cardboard cut-out character. If Beck had been on the ship for years I didn't understand why it took landing on the planet for him to learn every inch of it all of a sudden. I also didn't quite figure out what was meant by a level two colony, as I didn't know if the story was referring to a colony on the planet, or transforming what I thought was a military ship into a colony ship. The prose didn't cause me any real issues, apart from a couple of typos (finest is shades / be fully operation / emblem on emblazoned). The ending seemed too neat. Arguably I'd rather he survive than the ship blow up and everyone die, but it seemed to lack a final conflict and a destruction of his plan. Really, Beck just seems to get everything he wants. As it is, I'm left feeling a little ambivalent.
d) This was plotted relatively well, though relatively predictable, but could do with some cutting. I think that the opening was a weak point, being somewhat of a red herring and not really portraying the thrust of the story. It might even have been an attempt to make the reader feel that the theme was fire - but that was sufficiently done by the ending, which put a different twist on fire/slavery theme. I liked the last line, but felt the end could have shown more of the stakes involved.
e) Crewman tires of an endless and lost war and seeks to escape the ship and his meaningless duties. Nice idea but the story was slow. Didn’t like the POV. It needed to be tighter. A first person POV is what this needs. A word trim count would help as well. Your MC isn’t all that likeable either. That could be a problem if try to market this.
f) I was disappointed by this piece. It worked out very well in the beginning. There was enough of a hint at war and tragic loss to be interesting. But the story never expanded on that hint. Though we could see the signs of the war all around us, we never got to actually witness it. That disappointed me. The main character is someone I was never really able to connect to. His motives did not make sense to me as a reader. At best, he came across as a mercenary to me. Why did he join the military? Was he forced? Why did his officers not notice his instability and report him, or at the very least require some kind of counselling? His officer seemed to threaten it, but then backed down into an almost brotherly figure. The ending lost me. I have no idea why the main character did what he did except for utter hatred of his vessel... which also baffles me. His final desire in the story is to forsake his (losing) nation at the possibility of a “better” life in some forsaken wasteland. That was not freedom to me. It was a slow death.
g) This is a nice use of the trigger, and a good premise. But I think Beck needed to be better developed. There is nothing beyond him feeling trapped aboard the ship and wanting to return home. I would like to feel he had some sort of attachments to others either on the ship or on his home planet. Or if he is a complete loner, give him something else that would make him more sympathetic. I also thought that he seemed a little too sane to do what he did. The last line about death made no sense to me. They weren’t dying; they were trapped. Anyway, interesting story, but it could be really awesome if Beck was more developed.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
posted
Entry #6 Dancing in the Streets of the Damned
quote:“The road to hell is a twelve-lane highway. A road that you will find yourself on if you are not paying attention to where you are going. The road to heaven is a narrow path, one that is easily lost.” Phillip Fishbourne never forgot that sermon. He heard the pastor reuse several times over the years. It took death for him to truly appreciate its meaning. He stood in the middle of a fog amongst a crowd of people, wearing the same brown suit they put on him when they placed him in the pine coffin. In his right hand he held the rosary his grandmother gave him when he was a child, the only possession he valued in his life. The crowd, confused and scared, pushed in one direction, acting like cattle getting
Critiques:
a) I quite enjoyed this. The sense that something is desperately wrong at the pearly gates, and the way in which Phillip is blind to it, is well done. It is difficult however, given Phillip's flawless and lengthy record, to believe his final slip-up. I would have felt more inclined to believe an alternative approach, such as having them twist something he innocently says, labelling it sin, and then pulling the lever anyway. Even if it clearly wasn't sin, should he be so accused at the gates of heaven, how might he react? Repentant, but not understanding, and so accepting of his fate? The demons explanation near the end I found to be too talky, as if they're explaining why they're there for the reader rather than acting naturally. This pulled me out a bit. I liked the ending, in that there's some hope for Phillip to come. On reflection however, I feel that the Higher Powers to whom he is allied are rendered impotent by his actions, for if Phillip is 'good' enough to walk out of this, why aren't they? There were only a couple of typos that pulled me out - just meant him / you ] now / eternity than so / robed people smiles. Otherwise very cleanly written and an easy read.
b) The beginning was a good hook and I liked the description of his journey to the gates of heaven and the people around it. I started losing interest during the whole interview part. It did not engage me fully. Afterwards, when the demons celebrate their success, their conversation felt info dumpy to me. I think this would be a place were a simple well, written info dump could work really well- a short narrative history of what went on could be very interesting and probably not as distracting as trying to weave it in. If the characters were more gloaty in nature, constantly reliving their success, them discussing what they both know might make sense. The end scene, with the man in hell and the promise of him making his way to heaven was pretty good. It felt like the start to a longer story- chapter one though complete enough that it does not need to be. However, the main character did not seem interesting enough to stick with for a novel as he is, even though the story probably would be.
c) Okay, my critique on this one is two fold. First off, I like the story and do see how it's been tweeked to fit the trigger. Second, this story was entered in the Dancing in the streets of the Damned trigger contest. Now, if you submitted this story the first time, and thought "hey this story fits, lets try it again", then I have no issue with you or this story. I'm glad you decided to play, even though it's not fair that you have already had this story critiqued by by several Hatrackers, myself included, and want to put it up against rough drafts. However, if you were not the person who wrote this story, and decided to submit it in the origional authors place, then we have big problems. Plagerism is awful and if you did steal someone else's story then that makes Hatrack an unsafe place to get critiques. Either way, this really good story will not be getting my vote. And if this is plagerized, I have my trigger challenge collection, and I will fight for that author you stole it from. If you are the author, then we are on the same side, just submit this story somewhere and tell me when it's published, so I can congratulate you.
d) Although I liked the ending two twists and the start, this felt all too drawn out. At times I wondered where it was going, wanting the holier than thou / preachy feel of the conversation to end. This was perhaps because we had established the protagonist's purity early in the conversation, and therefore didn't learn much more character revealed as the conversation extended (a little of his history, but not much more). As such, the change in Phillip's character at the end of the conversation didn't quite sit. If he was that phlegmatic about life, he wouldn't really have the anger issues shown. And he would probably know the scripture “Be angry but sin not” which would help him control his emotion. I think that you need to foreshadow Phillip's potential for the ending at an earlier date, building up the motives of the angels. Otherwise the last bit of the ending feels a bit deus ex machina.
e) This is not a story that would ever appeal to me, personally. It was largely predictable from the moment Philip walked off on the narrow path, and reminiscent of other stories I've heard. I have to really stretch to connect this to the trigger. Usually, I can ignore minor errors in a draft. In this case, the difference between bare (to expose) and bear (to carry) completely changes the meaning of the story. It jangled so badly that it kept knocking me out of the story.
f) This was a fun story with a nice twist on the heaven and hell thing. The part with the preacher, William Haywood, seemed a bit rushed. It would have been more interesting to have the angels trap him instead of him immediately admitting to being prideful. This would show the cleverness of the angels and also make Philip look even more upstanding since an intelligent man of God didn’t last as long as he did. Also the last line is kind of detracting as if you are priming the reader for a sequel. I think ending with “He had found his purpose” is more powerful.
g) Huh? So... Phillip is some new kind of Jesus?
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
quote:President Michele Eastlake took her spot at the head of the table and called the meeting to order in her usual choleric manner, going straight to the most pressing issue. Several top cabinet members and military advisors surrounded the large table, while a handsome young aide sat at the far end of the table, typing out the minutes. “The press is claiming that another twelve thousand people went missing yesterday. What is the official figure?” Jacobs, the Minister for Homeland Security, spoke up. “Closer to fifteen thousand, Mz President. More important are the demographics of the missing personnel – they come right out of the heart of middleclass America, doctors, academics, scientists, journalists, editors, type setters, teachers,
Critiques:
a) I think this story seemed like an imaginative and fun idea broken by a very talky delivery and what felt like a lack of conflict. The opportunities for comedy with SLA and FLA and memes seems golden. The last line forms an obscure in-joke which would seem just a bit funnier if the comedy were ratched up a notch throughout and the joke made more obvious to a wider audience. I don't know why, but I've become a bit wary of openings that start with a titled, named character. Perhaps I've seen a bit too many in fragments or something, but the opening words President Michele Eastlake undermined the authority of this opening for me. Yet I know that's completely unfair. When I grabbed a stack of 18 books off my desk and checked what their opening words were, I got at least one with an opening name (though in that case, not of the main character) and two that started with "I". (To be completely truthful, one's chapter 1 started with Lieutenant Commander ..., but was offset by a half page prologue on the facing page that introduced the story and set the scene). There were a couple of editing nits, like using bazaar instead of bizarre, but this didn't bother me, the prose worked fine.
b) Cute idea. The explanation of quantum theory was a bit long. In general, the story did not engage me much since it was really a bunch of people talking in a room, not much action and the man's disappearance was near the end, with the crisis already solved. The character's were not well defined enough to make me care about them, so it was pretty much only held together by the idea. Also, in the beginning, a minor point, it says middle class America- lawyers and doctors, etc. That is not really middle class America so much as educated America.
c) And there are only three answers to this question - yes, no and sixty two. This story is interesting exploration of the planet as a super computer idea from hitchhiker's guide. I had a hard time taking it seriously, or completely understanding what was going on. It seems like a cool idea though. I would say to flesh it out a little bit more.
d) The president seemed to make a flying leap of understanding. My head was still reeling with the implications, but the president went straight from abstract bits of complex information to interacting with the physical world. There's a great big chasm of difference between something that stores information and something that can impact the world. I didn't get a rope bridge to help me cross that chasm. In the end, I wasn't convinced. And I didn't see any tie in to the trigger at all.
e) Liked how this started but the premise was lost on me. This narrative evolved into a lengthy info-dump. I had a very hard time buying into Keller’s explanation. I found it hard to believe that the president so willingly accepted it. The comedy needs to be notched up for this to work. It’s a little silly. It needs to be a lot silly.
f) Funny, quirky idea. This story was well written and easy to follow even with the quantum mechanics talk. Maybe I don’t fully understand S.L.A. and F.L.A. or linguistics, but aren’t there a ton of words in the English language acquired from other languages? So wouldn’t practically everyone disappear? Or is it only foreign words that have been recently acquired that causes the effect? Overall, I think this is well-done although it is not the type of story that I normally enjoy.
g) Cute.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
posted
Entry #8 The Intern and the Genetically Engineered Monster
quote:The eyes of the GEMs were hard and fixed. They rarely looked at their human captors. But when they did, there was no hatred or anger only a chilling indifference, except for Kal-six when he looked at her. Jenna picked up a swab from the stainless steel tray. “I watched the battle on the feed.” He straightened ever so slightly at the sound of her voice, so subtle that she doubted anyone else would notice. The gash on his face oozed with thick puss, yellow tinted with green. An acrid stench from the wound competed with the sharp smelling chemicals used for sterilization, but she leaned in close to wipe the wound; the smell no longer bothered her. She saw how he got the wound on the feed in the morning
a) King Kong goes SF. I like the impossible love story. I feel like this stopped too early, though. The story's not done. What happens when Kal-Six disobeys orders, even if he does a better job? Is he decommissioned (killed)? How does Jenna react to that? Does she still go on and help make better GEM's? Or does she start a fringe movement for GEM liberation? I know there wasn't room for anything more, but I can't help feeling that this story just got started.
b) I like this one a lot. I have only one suggestion. I would increase the ninety percent like humans to maybe 99, or ninety seven. I think even monkeys and gorrilas are closer that ninety percent. I believe, and I could be wrong, that all mamals are more than ninety percent identical. A bit more recearch would clear that up. I think thoug if they were closer related, I would buy the love more. it's well writen the way it is, it just feels a bit off, almost like someone loving a pet. I think with that quick change, and your awesome discription of how he looks almost like a human, it would work well.
c) Wow. Really good. I have very little to fault with this one. This seems a compelling, modern twist on the beauty and the beast story and I was enthralled by the world we're getting a chance to look at here. Perhaps the only plotting issue I had was why Erica comes and gets Jenna when the alarms are shrilling; if Jenna should have run, then Erica should be long gone, right? I was confused a little there. The prose was great, I had very little issues, apart from a (very) few editing issues (Kal-six vs Kalsix, runons, comma use, than/then etc). Nothing a little spit and polish wouldn't fix. I could well imagine encountering and enjoying this in an anthology somewhere. Nice.
d) I generally avoid stories dealing with genetics. I spent ten years in a genetics lab and have a master's in biochem, so I have trouble not spending the whole time overanalyzing the science. For example, 90% identical DNA tells me less human than chimps (96%), though slightly more human than mice (85%), which I don't think was your intention. Also, they seem to have pretty good control over protein. It seems possible that they could come up with new enzymes to replicate the dehumanizer, working at different points in the pathway. Though, to be honest, I am not sure how one protein injection could actually work to limit who the gems attack, while still maintaining their violent nature. The one month to create and purify the protein initially I questioned as being extremely advanced tech, but then I realized same immunological properties, just inactivate the active site- that is fairly trivial (well, trivial enough). I wondered a little about the radioactivity, since a tag like GFP would be better for most things, but it was vague enough reference I let it go. And this is why I don't read scifi stories about genetics- I just can't force myself to give even a little suspension of disbelief.
e) Now I know that romance in SF is increasing (see Asaro for example, which I have enjoyed) but this was too schmaltzy for my taste. Perhaps if the characterisation was more subtle it would work better. On the plot, it didn't have a satisfying ending, just the beginning of his potential motives. It was a good twist that the Ytashi were invading the base, but it needs to show Kalsix's interactions with her otherwise it feels unresolved. Some interesting ideas, though.
f) Though the trigger implementation here is very loose, I'll give the author credit. This was a risk. While the love interest of the story never got beyond master-and-pet bonds (at least so far as I could picture), its execution was pretty solid. Though not my choice of story typing (I bored of genetic stories after Resident Evil shoved it down our throats), the love twist here was refreshing. Good characterization all the way around. The climax was slightly weak, but completely understandable in the scope of the story. I would have much rather seen the story end in the heat of battle. I wanted Six to have his chance to escape while on the battlefield. I wanted Jenna to see him make his decision, only to turn back and protect her. Then, as the story fades away and Six stands ready to sacrifice himself for her, only then would the perspective voice reveal his intentions as the fight resumes and the scene fades to black. That's what I wanted to see, but what you have is a fine story.
g) Jenna feels for Kal-six, a genetically enhanced weapon. I rather liked this one. It was a complete story with a very good MC. Could use a bit of trimming but the idea is solid. I thought the ending was done well. My only real issue was the title. Please, please, think of another.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
posted
First round of critiques are up. Note that in the interests of anonymity, when it comes time to vote on critiques, the critique ID (a-h) need not match the story #(1-8).
Posts: 921 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
Last round of critiques are up, and an email has been sent to everyone asking for a nomination of what they feel was the best critique of their story. Once those final votes are in I'll post up the scores - it's been a VERY tight race and I'm itching to announce the results.
Posts: 921 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
In the immortal words of Ace Ventura: Alrighty then.
This was a close race for a while, between several clearly well received stories. In the end though:
Best Stories 1st: A Tie! 20 points each for - #3, Bride of Flame by shimiqua, and - #8, The Intern and the Genetically Engineered Monster by MAP. 2nd: 19 points for White Woman by Rhaythe. 3rd: 8 points for Slave by sholar.
[/i]Disqualified:[/i] #6, Dancing in the Streets of the Damned by snapper (14 points. Previously posted in challenges) #4, When in Rome by BenM (11 points)
Best Trigger: #3, Bride of Flame by shimiqua (3 votes)
Best Opening: Tied with 2 votes each, between - #5, Slave by sholar, and - #7, Meme Brane by Brendan
Best Critique: Tied with 2 votes each, between - #1, Rhaythe, and #5, sholar
Overall Winners: 1st, tied at 24 points: shimiqua and MAP 2nd, at 22 points: Rhaythe. 3rd, at 13 points: sholar.
They were interesting results - several ties, and every story won either a top-three vote by someone, or multiple votes for trigger or opening. Some really great stories here folks - make sure to let us know if you publish them
Here's the full list.
#1, White Woman, Rhaythe. #2, The First Flame, Meredith #3, Bride of Flame, shimiqua #4, When in Rome, BenM #5, Slave, sholar #6, Dancing in the Streets of the Damned, snapper #7, Meme Brane, Brendan #8, The Intern and the Genetically Engineered Monster, MAP
I will also go and hilight in bold the critique that was voted on in each case.
And one last thought - eight entries was a nice manageable number in many ways. Quick to read and vote on, enough to get some idea of reader preferences via the voting. I wouldn't have minded more, but as a way to get us writing and also get some first readers on board, I really enjoyed this.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
posted
Congratulations, everyone! Especially shimiqua and MAP! Those were some good stories, and I appreciate everyone offering their work up for our enjoyment!
Now, some educational material that I felt compelled... COMPELLED I say... to share!
Dyson's Cloud Commonly known as a Dyson's Bubble or Shell. Think of it as a poor-man's Dyson's Sphere. The end result is very similar, in that the structure is intended to harvest solar output as an energy source. The Cloud is composed of many tiny satellite nodes as opposed to a singular, expansive sphere. There are many benefits to a cloud design instead of a sphere, the main one being mass. To build a full sphere would take almost every ounce of raw matter in the solar system, and then the shell would only be a few centimeters thick at 1 AU.
In addition, a Dyson's Sphere is its own center-of-gravity object independent from its encapsulated star. If the sphere or star inside were to drift, then there's a very real danger of the structure drifting too close to the parent star, causing massive damage. Call it catastrophic if the star actually impacts the surface.
What are SME's? Shipboard Main Engines. It's a term I stole from NASA that was used in the shuttle program: "Shuttle Main Engines".
What destroyed the Clark? As I mentioned when the Dyson node satellite was left behind, the ship was in a low enough stellar orbit that it required a solar heat shield to survive. Remove the shield, and the Clark literally was burned to char from its close proximity to the sun.
Obviously, since I felt the urge to explain myself, there must be a failing in the story. I had to cut and trim a LOT of this story to fit the 3k word limit. But your feedback should definitely help flesh it out. Thanks everyone!
(Also, sorry it took so long to get the final results posted. My fault. Nephew was admitted to the hospital, but all is well now.)
[This message has been edited by Rhaythe (edited March 09, 2010).]
I really appreciated everyone's feedback, and the opportunity to participate, even if I have to disqualify myself. I tried really hard not to cheat - I didn't read anyone's stories before finishing mine, and I didn't start brainstorming my ideas until after I'd picked and posted the best of the triggers. But still, who's going to believe me?
Nevertheless, a couple of obvious issues came up with my story. The one that was surprising at first, and then obvious, was that few people cared about Ahmed. And I guess that's perfectly reasonable, because I didn't care about Ahmed all that much. I cared about the idea and events and milieu, and just rode that wave. It'll be something I have to pay attention to next time I work on this.
Next, and this was both the most frustrating and the most fun, was that probably no-one really got what I was writing about. And this comes from a little trap in research: It's all too easy to include too much information. Spend hours reading about Ferraris and lo and behold, suddenly a writer is spending pages devoted to chassis construction or cylinder layout and not enough to story. So I deliberately withheld a bit, and it ended up being too much.
The research on Rome and Nero I did for this was fascinating. Here were these incredible, fully formed characters waiting for a part to play (all the named characters in the story were real, and behaved as I felt they would have). Gaius Piso led a conspiracy against Nero, along with other senators etc etc the next year. Following the great fire in Rome, Nero changed the building code to use less wood, making a repeat nigh impossible, and had rushed back from Antium to supervise relief efforts.
I think I almost pulled it off. What wasn't obvious in the prose, and might have fixed it, was that at the time Ahmed passes the fire, it is on the Capitoline Hill, burning through the homes of the common people of Rome. It would be another day or so before it reached the homes of the wealthy. Thus the implication was meant to be that Nero couldn't have started this fire, that the senators had conspired to do it (tarnishing Nero's image in the eyes of the people).
But I wasn't clear enough about what was going on - a trap I fall into when trying to be clever and feed my readers with only just enough information to draw the right conclusions without me saying it. Anyway, this also explains why Ahmed's conclusions seem a non-sequitur - he knows what I know (that despite his intentions to serve the people, and despite not having caused the fire, Nero will forever be associated with flame and death), but I haven't told the reader yet.
And yeah, the attitude of Rome towards Christians in that time period does open a whole can of worms.
I had fun running this. A magic spreadsheet helped track and organise everything and meant very little work. If we do it again some months in the future, I wonder: What might we do differently?
(Also Rhaythe, don't worry about the timeframe, we still had plenty of time left.)
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 09, 2010).]
posted
You know, I've gotten that comment several times before--that something I wrote felt YA when I didn't necessarily intend it that way. I'm going to have to consider just going with that. In this case, I suspect it was because I was consciously going for sort of an Aesop's Fables type feel. That may not have been the best choice.
And people didn't like me killing off Wyreth. I couldn't think of a credible way to save him after all that. Maybe when I go back over it, I'll find a way to make it work for the little guy.
posted
Sheena was correct. I did indeed write my entry for another contest a year ago. This contest with a higher word count spurred me to dust it off and attempt to address some of the issues others had with it back then. The crits I received clearly shows it needs more work. It was the critiques that I was really after. They are the true value in these contests. Thank you for all your insights. I wonder if I can rework to fit into sheena's March challenge?
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
So, I was expecting at least one Groan at the start of the critiques. I think the critique that simply said Cute was the closest - a lot said in what they didn't say. So, apart from critique a), no one commented about the final line, a pun on the trigger. Was it too obscure?
Also, any comments on how such a shaggy dog story could be turned into something marketable given the final line? I am not sure that it can.
Ben, I think your instinct in withholding is good, but it is often a fine line between withholding too much and spouting.
Oh, and congrats shimi and MAP
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited March 09, 2010).]
quote:a), no one commented about the final line, a pun on the trigger. Was it too obscure?
It wasn't obscure, but by the time I as a reader got there, I was so far out of the "suspension of disbelief" thing that I honestly didn't care anymore. The story was well written, but by the end it felt like a joke. I honestly wasn't sure if you were writing the story as an honest piece of fiction or if you were just making fun of the contest.
And yeah, I had a lot more to say than just 'Cute', but I figured that said enough.
quote:I did indeed write my entry for another contest a year ago. This contest with a higher word count spurred me to dust it off and attempt to address some of the issues others had with it back then. The crits I received clearly shows it needs more work. It was the critiques that I was really after. They are the true value in these contests.
I have conflicting thoughts on this, maybe because I've come to value these little challenges so highly. I wrote zip in January, but solid stories in December and February thanks to their competitive spurring.
So. On the one hand, I like that we had an extra person in the mix, an extra story, and seven extra critiques. That was cool, and I really appreciated your participation and implied support, snapper, while I had a first go at running a challenge. Plus, unlike my impending rant, your story had been reworked and modified to the trigger, so I had no real issue with it.
On the other hand, and because I'm probably paranoid, somewhere in my head I take everything to its unrealistic, illogical extreme. Thus, I see more people thinking 'huh, cool way to get N crits, I'll throw my WIP in.' Which, for me, dilutes what I stand to benefit from the challenge.
Why? Because hand in hand with being competitive and getting a 'prompt' to write something new, I like the thought that we're all doing the same thing - and as such I will be judged amongst my peers. When my output (a new story, generated to fit the challenge) is evaluated alongside others who underwent the same process, I can compare my approach with theirs to get a feel for where I am as a writer. Whereas, to take it to its illogical extreme, if Ursula Le Guin fronts up with a published Nebula-award-winning-story just to see if it could have been improved or what sort of comments it could generate, I really don't have any way of evaluating my own progress as a writer against that.
So I don't know. Maybe only I think this way. But I am conflicted about it, because in this case it was harmless, it was fun, I really appreciated that you participated so we had someone extra to play with, and I hope you'll join in again next time we give it a go.
[This message has been edited by BenM (edited March 10, 2010).]
quote:I honestly wasn't sure if you were writing the story as an honest piece of fiction or if you were just making fun of the contest.
Not so much making fun of, but having fun with the trigger/competition. My aim wasn't so much a Douglas Adams level of rediculous, more a Robert Sheckley level. I was actually writing another, more serious, piece inspired by the trigger, but never got to finish it, while this one came complete in a single evening right at the start.
quote: I wonder if I can rework to fit into sheena's March challenge?
No. No, you can't.
I'm just glad it wasn't plagiarized. BenM freaked me out with an email suggesting that maybe it was, though I was mostly a bit put out by the idea that it wasn't my story from that challenge "they" stole.
Glad you played, snapper. And thanks Ben for all your work. ~Sheena
posted
It was fun to write a short story again. I took a break from writing for a couple years, and getting back in is fun (started with nano after having not written anything creative for 2 years). Now to decide if it is worth fixing and submitting. Thanks for all the crits.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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"The First Flame" was my story for this challenge.
I've been rolling around the critiques in my head. I'm giving serious consideration to adding some material at the beginning and ending, and perhaps once or twice in the middle, to give it a narrator, as at least one person suggested.
Also, a couple of you seemed very disturbed that Wyreth got killed. I really couldn't think of a way to save him in the original context of the story, but I might now. For those of you who wanted Wyreth to live, how disturbed would you be if he lived, but was crippled or maimed in some way? Like that shredded wing never heals right so he flies funny, but he's smart enough to overcome it. Something like that.
As far as killing off your MC that depends on what type of market you are intending this to go to.
If you are going to keep this tone, then it appears this would be either a childrens or YA story. If that is the case I suggest you simply have Wyreth disappear. The other dragons drive him off and he is never heard from again. A nice way to kill him off.
posted
Well, the problem is that there's just not much viable market for YA short fiction.
I was thinking of trying to use the narrator to frame the story in a context where the story might have one (simpler) meaning for the children who are the immediate audience, but a more complex meaning to the adults who are also overhearing it (and who the narrator is really trying to influence). The kids would perhaps be hearing a story about a bully. The adults might be hearing a story about refusing to give up hope and continuing to fight even when it looks hopeless. That might be difficult to pull off, but it can't hurt to try.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited March 16, 2010).]
posted
Hmmm, then may I suggest you change this to a tight 3rd person POV or explore making it a 1st person POV. You should also consider tailoring it to an older audience. Your idea is just different enough that it may make an ediotr or two give it a look.
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
I wanted to dig up this old thread and thank the Hatrack community for hosting the contest. I just received an email this afternoon from an online publication stating that they wanted to buy "White Woman".
Thanks again to Hatrack for all of its feedback and to BenM in particular for hosting this contest!
Once/If the deal is done and completed, I'll post again to the publication here.
posted
Awesome Rhaythe. Way to go. I really liked that story during the contest, so I'm not surprised.
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