For the record, I abstained and did not critique nor read the synopsis for FOR THE GODS. I'm currently involved in a chapter exchange on this and I don't want to know how the plot goes. I don't want it to influence my reading of individual chapters. I promise, when the chapter exchange is over, to do a full critique on the synopsis.

So, here are the first responses: (In the order in which I received the synopses.)

General comments from one critiquer:

quote:

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All of these synopses have good ideas in them, and pique my interest in some way. I didn't get the sense from any of them that the story was crumby, or I wouldn't like it. My criticisms are an indication that the synopsis doesn't do the good ideas justice. (And, if you're like me, you wanted more time to improve it.)

Most of these could do with tightening up and dropping extraneous content (not extraneous to the book, but extraneous to the synopsis), and I think some added "emotional puncuation" would help all of them. But, quite honestly, I barely have a clue, so it's just one hick's impression.

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I thought the overall premise of the story is a good one. Your synopsis holds me fairly interested. I like the fresh take on the afterlife. I noticed a few problems with clarity etc.
First, the use of the word ‘decorporate’, should that be discorporate? Next, the sentences: “In their conversation Robyn learns that Pansie goes to Earth every so often for medical, testing supplies and modern items.

Robyn finds she is incredibly gifted. Because of Robyn’s talent, she deduces that motes are in Upper Meddle when they shouldn’t be.” The issues I find are with who we are talking about. It seems a bit unclear, even if I could figure out what you meant.
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I think I need something to help me relate to Robyn a little earlier. All I know about her is she just started college and she’s irked that she has to interrupt that for her father, who she never got along with. There’s not a lot there to help me feel sympathy for her. It doesn’t seem like she’s really going to be sorry when her father dies, even.

It feels busy and confusing. Is it possible to pare down some subplots and then flesh out the main story with a few details? I’m not sure Pansie’s story needs to be in the synopsis, for example.
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You've come up with some good concepts here and what seems like a detailed backstory, however the names of the main group brought up mixed reactions for me. Meddling is a disparaging word, it has negative connotations. It is not the word I would expect good guys to pick for themselves. Granted,they could have named themselves in an ironic sense, but the synopsis as written doesn't lend itself to that.

The Planners not knowing where they send souls seems a bit odd. I could accept that they don't know for sure what happens to souls when they arrive at whatever destination, but not knowing where they are sending souls doesn't ring true.

Why kill the Lost One while letting Pansie go? I am not sure what inspired the different treatments between the two.

Discorporate might be the word you are looking for instead of decorporate.
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I felt like there was a lot of back story and jargon in this synopsis. Some of the subplots could maybe be compressed and simplified a little and all the details of how the world works brought up more when relevant to plot. First sentence feels extremely long and somewhat confusing. It maybe could be broken up and reworded. Also, could start with initial conflict- Robyn and father don’t get along. Then the whole dragging her home.
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I liked the inventiveness of the idea and the disruption it gives the character--more of that please. I think a more terse description of things would be fine, especially if they are less spread out.

Too much explanation clutters the synopsis up. Many things (age of Meddlers, 25 years of father, and more) are unnecessary to understand it. Some things deserve more. What compels Robyn to go the bookstore? What compels her to go along with these Meddlers? I would expect some intense inner turmoil after the first kill, for example.

Tightening it up and focusing on some primary danger, making it rise in tension as it goes would improve the synopsis a lot.
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The initial lead in is good, but I would have liked a little more on how she is transported to upper meddle, is there a person that does it, a book, does crossing the threshold cause it. A quick line here would have helped the plausibility quotient.

The paragraph that starts out “Why meddlers?” was a little confusing and I probably would have just started with something like “Meddlers mission is to counteract negative emotion…..” , this flows better from the earlier paragraph, then if you launch into the explanation of Motes and their role it’s an easier transition. Also here you throw in the “there are only three thousand meddlers at a time…” info, if you’re going to put that in, you need to probably explain that a little more, or just say “meddlers are limited at any one time because…..”

Then there are a couple of breaks in the rules set that need to be explained, like “medical and testing supplies”, This made me ask the question is Pansie a medical tech and a magic tech, what earthly supplies could help with magic testing? The whole sensing Motes by Robyn I assume is big because she is not in spirit form, which brought up the question of her going on a meddle later, could she change to a spirit by then? This was probably confusing because it wasn’t better explained in the section where you talked about Motes and Meddlers and their relationship.

There was a little disconnect for me when you were talking about the planners not knowing where to send souls, if they are managing the whole thing it seems they would have a stronger sense of the pattern. Same with the existence of states, like the lost ones.

There is a term dropped in here “Paddingbottom experience” which lacks a point of reference since it’s not mentioned before. Maybe just refer to it here as an experience her father described to her and leave out the name. Also there is a reference to “the blog” that is not set up before, a blog is probably better and a quick description of the content.
There are some terms in the next paragraphs that were somewhat confusing like “Checked out OK”, in what sense and what does OK mean here. . A small one is “Robyn goes out on a meddle with Stephen from Upper Meddle.” The last part is really not necessary. Bigger issues are when we get to things like “spirit stuff” without explaining that more it really threw me off. The whole chaos and spirit spears also probably need a little explanation as well as the lifesaving attempt. It was far enough out there that it became a little distracting and sort of stretched the plausibility of the story.

The whole discussion about blaming Robyn and banishing her seemed to also be incongruous with the whole pattern, if they discovered a flaw in the system and one of them was lost in fixing it why would they take these actions. Response to the threat here caused me a little HUH moment. The planner’s actions here also seem to stretch the reasonableness line. I did like the ending.

Clarity: 8 (Only a few places that could use some more explanation)
Consistency: 7 (A few apparent gaps in the logic train, particularly dealing with the Planners)
Plausibility: 8 (Some small glitches that made me say Huh?)
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Well, first off the disclaimer, I am by no means an expert on synopsis, so, my opinion is just based on my thoughts and what I believe a synopsis is. The beginning read fine, but the middle lost me, it went from not being scenes to explanation. So it didn’t read like a story, which I believe synopsis are supposed to. I found myself wanting to skim the middle, but the ending came around for me, and was a scene. It is my belief that the entire synopsis is supposed to read that way. My suggestion in this, resist the urge to explain, if it reads like a text book or feels like it, you take the reader out of the story. You might want to find a way to tell the story(the main scenes) without too much explaining if you can. Also one thing I read is try to keep character names to a mininum(3). Planners, Meddlers, Upper Meddlers, Irrideemables, these, while you explain them, all slowed me down, so I had to remember what each was, which I think led to my confusion in the beginning. Another suggestion would be, up play the scene where she is teleported, it was one line and seemed so common. I think you have a story here.
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Your story deals with different realms (which is an aspect I like), and introduces several unique group of entities (which populated your new realm in a way I'd like to read about further). However, I had to read through the synopsis twice to make sure I had all the players straight in my mind.

I felt that the synopsis' weakest point was the first paragraph; although her father's 'visions' did spark my interest, the vast majority of that paragraph was about Robyn and how *her* life was being inconvenienced...it made her come across as a spoiled brat, which instantly makes her somebody I'm not really interested in reading about. It's very possible that this mindset might be an important factor in how the story evolves and/or how she navigates through the various obstacles of what she's about to get herself into; if so, that definitely needs to be brought out in a strong way as early in the synopsis as you can.

In its current state: I would pass asking for chapters.. If you were to create more sympathy for me to like (or, even *not* dislike) Robyn, the other factors of the story would tempt me to ask for the first few chapters.

I’m not sure it’s a good idea to start with a quote from the book. (I’m assuming that’s what it is.) At least some of the readers will be reading both the synopsis and some pages, if not a partial.

I got really lost in the flood of names in the first paragraphs. I couldn’t tell who was who or even how many characters were mentioned.

It reads like a summarization of the plot, more like a book report. Try telling it like a story, instead. Yours is so short now, you’ve got plenty of room to put in a little detail in selected places to make it really pop.
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This didn't grab me. The starting impetus is not that inspiring. The corrupt govt. and its actions are reprehensible, no question. It was the part about “developing new industry” that left me cold. There are many more inspiring actions to spark this situation - have them printing an underground newspaper critical of local officials, for example.

Why do these people have these powers? Where did the powers come from?

There are also a number of word choices that strike discordant notes. “...the tyranny they professed so vivaciously against.” doesn't make sense. It should be something like “they protested so vehemently against.”

“Many call for Celebration, which begins again with renewed fervor.” With no previous mention of this Celebration, how can it begin again? Also, why is it capitalized.
Counsel is advice. A council is a body of people.
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I didn’t like starting with the prose here, that is better shown in the actual manuscript, and this could have been just explained more efficiently.

It is set in the US, but the actual story has little to do with the setting except for a few drop ins, probably better to just set is in a totally fictional place unless there is some driving reason to do so that I’m not seeing here. The sentence that includes “professed so vivaciously against” felt very awkward and would probably benefit from a little reworking to make it clearer.

I am assuming that Rhonan is Daelan’s father, but it’s unclear from how the paragraph is constructed. At the point where Rhonan is helped a new character, John Gallegher is introduced, with no explanation of how he fits in the story, if he’s just a helper better to just say that, if he’s important later it would help to explain his relationship here.

I had a little bit of a credibility problem when a people who had just been divided by a bloodless geo political event, suddenly rising against a local power broker over one man’s incarceration, this probably needs a little more depth as to why the motivation here. Then overnight the powerbroker, with all the physical force behind him suddenly capitulates, and goes to the next town and engineers a counter attack, seems less plausible than just using his power at hand unless there is something else going on.

Also the whole thing about leaving some of the watchmen in place if they have been supporting the bad guy is questionable. These two disconnects could be solved if the watchmen rise up and overthrow the bad guy, causing him to flee.

Then we have the sudden appearance of mystical powers by several of the key participants and a new antagonist in Siddon. This almost splits the story into two different stories with the same players, short of identifying the main players as freedom fighters it seems the second part of the story has little to connect it with the first. Is there some interplay between either Siddon and Lucius or Siddon and the power structure that is missing.

I’m also confused about the additional rebel group that shows up. If the rebels are in power after defeating Lucius, then Siddon is able to capture the Rebel leaders, where are the rest of the townspeople rebels during the subsequent chase and fights. Why didn’t the leaders just stay in town and fight then instead of running. Seems like there are some logical gaps here that need to be fleshed out.

Then the whole letter to the Governer and Prime Minister are dropped into the end without any explanation of why. Is the higher government in league with the evil doers or not, lot of ambiguity here. Maybe it’s intentional, but if it’s here what is the relation to the story you are trying to tell.

Clarity: 7 (A few places where it was hard to follow what you were trying to tell me.)
Consistency: 7 (A few gaps in the logic)
Plausibility: 8 (Seemed to be pretty good, don’t know what setting it in the US had to do with the overall story).
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I would focus more heavily on one character’s story. Right now, there were a lot of names and details and it felt a bit muddled. Also, I am not sure but I don’t think quotes from the story should start the synopsis (though I have never done one before so could be wrong). Also, the beginning blurb regarding how the US broke apart seemed unnecessary. What we need to know is that these people live in a totalitarian town. I wouldn’t waste words explaining the world’s history.
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I enjoyed the breaks from conventional perspective, such as the “Equality Czar” being the bad guy. The powers are interesting, but need a better introduction, I think. Too late in most cases.

There are too many characters for me to hook into any one of them. I don’t know who’s emotions to follow, and I don’t know what any one person’s biggest problem is.

You do have a fair focus on the bad guy, but I think you could use some rising tension that focused upon his primary threat--that being (probably) his evil henchman Siddeon. We learn of him late and have little context for him.
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The political, social, and combative aspects seem mainstream, but my interest picked up when I realized there were some 'mental' talents being displayed. And this is what reveals a level of disappointment: since I went into this synopsis knowing it was science fiction story, I was put off by the fact that no SF elements were even mentioned until the fourth paragraph. If there truly are any SF aspects earlier in the story, I would like to see them earlier in your synopsis.

Because of this issue, I would hesitate to request any chapters...although the mention of waking dreams and telekinesis---at least for me---keeps it in the hunt.
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This seems to be the same try/fail series. A person is in jail, someone tries to break them out, they get captured. A person is in jail, someone tries to break them out, they get captured. A person is in jail, someone tries to break them out, they get captured.

The speculative part of this (psi power) needs to come out much sooner in the synopsis.

I like to get a feel for the character arc in the synopsis and it didn't jump out at me in the synopsis.

The synopsis was interesting, I found that I liked the ideas you presented. The plot is interesting. The biggest problem I see is that although it is very descriptive, I see little to no attachment to your characters. If your story is character driven, then your synopsis doesn’t show it very well. If your story is plot driven it seems not quite enough to get me to request more. I would suggest a little less of the plot and a little more of your characters.
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There are some interesting ideas in here, but I found myself confused fairly often. (Which could just be me.) You introduce someone as being Syrrytnyn-born before you say what a Syrrytnyn is.

Why a “former wrestling / interrogation team” That one really made me stop since it seemed to come out of left field. I don't understand what wrestling has to do with interrogation.

Why do you drop the c when you shorten Schreuminnonn to Shreum?

Is the government Native-American? I'm confused as to why they hold a powwow.

The note about two main Earther languages struck me as odd since up to that point this seemed to be a near-future Earth-based story. Maybe you want to pull that as a shocker in the novel and it just doesn't work in a synopsis.
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Your synopsis should be in present tense. It’s a convention.

You might need to provide a little more background at the beginning. I was totally lost at first. I thought Strrythyn was a person, not a group.

My overall impression was that you tried to cram too much into the synopsis. Try to reduce the number of characters to those absolutely necessary and take out any subplots or side action that doesn’t pertain to the main conflict.
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Your character, Nevvias, seems to have a lot going on, but I never get a clear view of his attitude and his loyalties. I don’t get enough time with him to appreciate him, and there are so many other characters, I don’t know who’s important for the synopsis, and who is not.

I enjoy the fact that so many things seem to be going on, but it would help to have some focus on who has skin in the game, what the immediate (to the protagonist) dangers are, and how they are becoming more intense as we go. As written, it’s quite confusing.
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I kept looking for a reason to identify Nevvias as a military policeman in the opening and never found it, looks like a spy may be more apt and focus the reader right away on the situation.

A minor quibble, the whole extended name and short name explanation is probably not needed here, just use the short name and let the longer name and explanation go for the actual manuscript, really doesn’t add anything thing here. The switching between names for this character was confusing here, keep it simple is probably better.

The transition to Billis’ point of view was a little confusing, maybe a transition sentence like, “Watching them flee was …..” , then go into the description of the character, just eases the person reading from one point of view to the other and keeps the link.

The next section is a little confusing because you throw in a number of characters for one time without them having a further mention in the synopsis, probably better to just describe the events rather than name all the characters, unless they have some role later in the discussion. Also because so much time is spent putting the characters in you lose some thread of the story. For example the whole arrest and trial episode could use some fleshing out. Why did Billis’ do it this way etc.

Assuming Radashaw Peak is the security agency, but here probably just easier to stick with the identification rather than take the time to go through explaining the name or have the reader make assumptions as to what it is identifying.

After the major battle on the island things became a little confusing for me. There were a number of different actions and switches that became somewhat muddled. Something this complex really needs to be clearly laid out with as little extraneous material included as possible. Also it seemed there were characters switching jobs, Redfern was a prosecutor and now is a leader for example. The title wrestling/interrogation team is tossed in, which I found confusing because it was unexplained and really wasn’t apparent from the earlier descriptions.

It also became a little confusing in the back and forth between dimensions and trying to keep up with who was changing forms and which characters were either changing sides or attempting to pit someone against another . It seemed a little hard to figure out where Ehldur was doing at times. He appears to be helping the side he’s attempting to ultimately destroy at times and at other times acting against them. Again, the more complex the action the more clearly each stage needs to be laid out so the reader can clearly understand what is happening.

This could probably use a general streamlining of the synopsis and simplifying of what you are telling the reader.

Clarity: 4 (This is a fairly complex story and could benefit from streamlining the synopsis)
Consistency: 8
Plausibility: 8
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Aren’t synopsis’s told in present tense, not past? The part in the beginning about Nevvias blowing cover surprised me because I didn’t know what his cover was (military policeman doesn’t say undercover). I don’t think you need to tell us Shreum’s full name- just an incomprehensible bunch of letters that might turn people off. Also, keep one name or the other. I would introduce Jacoby based on the role he plays in the story, with the needed backstory. Right now, his introduction feels like a sudden shift. I am focused on Nevvias and Shreum, and I don’t see how Jacoby is connected to them for a full paragraph. I would instead say they are captured and there, Jacoby, arranges their freedom in exchange for them working for him. Once working they add Trabor to the team. For Yuh-hesh, you don’t need to explain the whole relationship- just say an informant told Nevvias blah. Limiting the number of characters to keep track of is supposed to be good. I also am not really sure what the main plot is and what background is. The aliens feel almost like a separate plot line as written. I see how it all comes together in the end but it is still a bit confusing.
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Well, first off the disclaimer, I am by no means an expert on synopsis, so, my opinion is just based on my thoughts and what I believe a synopsis is. What I am running into this entire challenge so far, is confusion. Have no fear, I gather when I get the crits from mine it will be the same, “Whats going on?” My belief is that there are too many names, I have no idea who the main character is how many there are. I suggest, making it clear who the MC, have no more that he/she the, and the antagonist, and 1 more. Try not to introduce them all at once, or it comes off as confusing and I find myself going back going ok, who is this again. From what I understand the synopsis should read like the flap of the book cover, just more. Most agents want 1, nor more than 2 pages for a synopsis with the initial package. And we as authors(and I am in there with you) need to make that 1-2 pages understandable. It should read as scenes, and only contain the intro, ending and 3-5 imoprtant scenes in the middle, not all characters need or should be mentioned as they can cloud and make the synopsis cluttered and hard to understand.
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First of all the names were awful. How can a reader decipher Syrrytnyn or even Schreum. The second is that I have no idea where I am. Am I on a distant planet? Are these people with weird name human or aliens? On a synopsis you need to know it up front. It isn't the place to be cute with a reveal or do it unintentionally.

It's important to get the setting across in the synopsis as big part of your novel is your world building.

This synopsis, at least in the middle is one big datadump. How do you keep that from happening in the fourth dimensional tour? It will put a number of readers to sleep. You should cut some of the interaction between the Nihnseean and Syrrytyn peoples down. Something like 'They hate each other and are all about dominating the other' would be sufficient and spend more time on Nevvias and how his character is developing.

I was lost after the tour. Who is the main character? Nevvias or Jacoby? I lost any flow to the story.

I liked the antagonism between the main characters. Having polar opposites forced to work together can be a great jumping off point for dramatic conflict.

A monk with no practical skills? But they make beer! 8-)

I was unclear where they were when Inesh was in prison. You mentioned them being near their destination. Earlier this was said to be inside an enemy kingdom. If they were in an enemy kingdom how did the other three group members influence the king with their petition? Inesh then travels through several towns after being freed which makes me think he wasn't that close to their destination after all.
You jump from the coming battle to a one year later scene. Getting the book deserves a mention in here.
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I thought your synopsis was a good overall peice. The idea seemed to be close to the order of high fantasy. It has promise. I like the premise that your idealist learns of reality, it holds so true in real life. It feels like she almost learns peace is rarely if never peacefully won nor kept. That said; the biggest problem I noticed was the cliché of the guard at the bridge. Why would he actually stay there? Why would he stay oath-bound to be a servant? What is in it for him? Is for redemption, or to be given pardon? To me it is too hard to fathom why someone would guard a bridge till beaten in close single combat; or why a ruler would proclaim such a wild task.
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The initial premise seems rather elaborate, why not just have the Gods command Inesh to accompany Ananda in exchange for providing the fruit, but I guess Gods work in mysterious ways. If Inesh is capture why does he have to agree to the conditions placed on him? Isn’t he more or less required to do what they tell him?

I had a little problem with a Girl being raised to be a Monk, isn’t that a Nun or Priestess? Also is there some reasons that demons have limited transformation ability and is that important to the story? Since Inesh is commanded to accompany and protect Ananda, why does he need introduction at the first event, wouldn’t they start out together?

A little unclear about the Suar event, is the emperor the ruler over the whole land, just the section where suar resides? If he is local why do the travelers feel the requirement to follow the emperor’s command? Similar+ issue with Suar’s concern over wounds. State that he has only ever fought practice battles, but it’s unlikely he would be fighting practice battles while defending a bridge.

I have a little problem with Ananda, after witnessing townspeople being destroyed by demons and being attacked herself that she would continue to be concerned about her companions killing or attacking demons to protect her. Seems like this is counter to a self defense mechanism, and needs some additional reasoning for her attitude.

There seems to be a disconnect in the paragraph about the capture by guards. First, for clarity, were the guards from the monastery where the book the seek is kept? Next If Inesh is captured while the rest escape, how can Ryoma remove his bracelet. Also if he’s captured, why keep up the Monk disguise? Perhaps moving the sentence about Ryoma using his transformation capability to keep Inesh company up in the chapter will help. Then just explain how keeping up the Monk disguise eases Inesh’s plight.

Another disconnect when the three petition the king for Inesh’s release, then he has to walk a distance through towns to re connect with them. Wouldn’t they be at the same location, or if the King is elsewhere this needs to be pointed out where he is and why the separation.

What about the book, did they get it? Not stated in the synopsis. Also what about the fruit, did he take some back with him, or was it not needed because of the peace treaty?

Clarity: 7 (some issues with really understanding some motivations and outcomes)
Consistency: 8
Plausibility: 9
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I liked the characters against the gods. There’s a lot of rich material here, and the focus of action is pretty good.

There are enough characters that it was hard to keep track through the first read, but it didn’t seem too bad the second time.

It could use some tightening up, and the traveling and demon fighting seems to interrupt the primary focus of getting the book. The resolution was abrupt. After the setup against the demons and all the fighting, the alliance struck me as completely wrong, so some kind of hint earlier in the synopsis that a reconciliation is possible would help. The book could pull all that together, but I don’t see it in this version.
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There's plenty of activity in this story...and, with several of the scenarios in particular, give the characters plenty of opportunity for growth (or degeneration, whichever the case may be). As an added bonus, I see some opportunities for intriguing and entertaining cliques and factions to arise; while I got a fairly good sense of certain interaction combinations (the one that popped into my mind the quickest was feeling that Inesh would like to have ditched Ananda the first chance he had...I know I would have!), my suggestion here is that, if the story contains any juicier treats, find a way to integrate them into the synopsis to drive the hook deeper.

The problem I came across is that much of the description was rushed for the sake of accounting for every aspect of the story, to the point where parts were disorienting...and, as contradictory as this might sound, I felt as if I lost out on some great information that would have sold me on this story without much of a fight.

I'm curious enough that I would consider asking for the first three chapters...although, a slight expansion of Inesh's nightmares mentioned in the first paragraph might potentially make that decision a no brainer.
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Well, first off the disclaimer, I am by no means an expert on synopsis, so, my opinion is just based on my thoughts and what I believe a synopsis is. I

WELL DONE.

I was not lost. This may seem small, but this is huge. The only true problem I can come up with is the ending. Is this truly the ending? Was there a battle in the end? If so, you need to show it. It left a little bit of ambiguity there. As I read it, it seemed like you may have run short on space and just summarized the last bit. I don’t know this, just felt that way. But well done.
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Somehow, I couldn't connect with the characters. Inesh, the MC, I understand, but Ananda is an automaton. How does she change? If she is against violence, then why does she use the bracelet to punish him?

Whatever happens to the fruit? Does mankind improve? What's in Ananda's book? These are important to the story and its resolution and there are no specifics here.

In the synopsis, I get the impression of wandering and don't get a sense of place. I think you need a little bit of your worldbuilding get out and paint the synopsis with some color.
The synopsis isn't supposed to be the novel, but you need to spice this one up a bit.

It is an interesting piece, and from the perspective of the dwarves! I thought the plot was well presented. I also thought you have done a very good job letting us feel some of your characters. The main problem I had was that I could not get a sense of why her golden hair was disguised or why it gave her family problems. Maybe tell more of what charges were given to her family.
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I really liked this one and I didn’t expect to from the title. It read like a story and kept me interested. No more names than truly necessary.

There might be a few places where you could give us a little more detail. What does Valda do to rebel? How do the heroes react to having a dwarf serve their mead?

The connection between Valda’s hair color and crimes committed by her family seemed a little tenuous.

Overall, though, I think it reads well and has what I hope is some of the voice of your novel.
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I like the start being Valda’s life degenerating, not the school and books part. The golden hair her grandfather created is slightly confusing conceptually, and I am also confused what crime she is accused of- stealing the hair? While the paragraph starting with no pressure has some hints of voice in it, it also has some distracting punctuation errors. I would drop “you see.” The rest of sentence still has personality, but that line felt off to me. The other workers she has made friends with is vague- servants, cooks, miners? I would have liked to know a bit more of the challenges she overcomes. The line things are further complicated feels like the wrong phrase. Something more like, things are finally starting to go well when… Also, I would like to know what the trade for Valda was specifically. You say she discovers a shocking secret and then ignores it. For a synopsis that feels like a tease. Maybe switch order of the runic charm to make more active- The elves arm her with a runic charm and send her to confront Loki. The part about Loki offering to change men and women to be treated the same is a bit off because we don’t know any specific about how they are treated differently. The line about changing dwarven customs but more vague works though.
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I could have used more of an explanation at the beginning of the relationship between dwarfs, Valkyries and Gods up front, would have made the understanding easier. This may be used to explain the slight disconnect about the hair. Why were dwarfs making hair for the gods and goddesses, need some explanation here, which may be wrapped up in detailing the relationships,

The slangy “No pressure for Valda” seemed a little odd here, I would have gone for just explaining the consequences without the editorial. Probably could use a little more clarity on how Loki tricks Odin. Another little slangy disconnect in the whole “if she messes up” phrase, what about just if she fails. This continues in the next part of the paragraph about the valkyries, should probably make it less vernacular, more standard English. And continues with the “You see” in the next paragraph. A lot of the issues here come from not outlining the relationship earlier on.

I liked the part about Loki’s plot and why he was doing it that was on the better sections in the synopsis, clear to the point and entirely plausible within the framework of the story.
In the following paragraph there is either a typo, “norns” for “norse”, or a new race we haven’t heard about before. This leads to confusion on the part of the reader, I took it for Norse, if, however you meant Norns, who they are and how they relate to the rest of the story need to be better explained.

Also a disconnect in the following paragraph, because it seems Loki has the bird, but no mention is made of him getting it before. You also mention a shocking secret, but never reveal it or it’s ultimate import. The question is why mention it if you don’t use it.

Clarity: 7 (A few disconnects and unclear points)
Consistency: 8
Plausibility: 8
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Pretty good tone and voice, but it goes a bit far sometimes, like with “Yep, Valda!” The progress of the story is good, though I think the danger of the memory loss could be illustrated a little better.

I like the temptation at the end, but it could be set up better. The beginning mention of it doesn’t really establish her feelings about it very much.

The last line seems a little off without further context. After all, it was by not being a dwarf that she accomplished this stuff.

All in all, not bad, but it could use some tightening up.
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Well, first off the disclaimer, I am by no means an expert on synopsis, so, my opinion is just based on my thoughts and what I believe a synopsis is.

First thing, you did well orgainsing it, I was not lost and entertained. The story seems fine. My concern here, and this based on no true knowledge, but just what I have read on what a synopsis is to be. I have no idea of your writing style or voice as while you summarized the story, but you didn’t tell it in scenes.
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If only you were able to work in an example of Valda's creative rebellion in the first paragraph...! Even without, I dove right into the next paragraph, wanting to learn more about her.

The only true points of confusion for me were the relevance of hair color, and what foul dealings her family partook in. Unfortunately, they came early in the synopsis, which tainted my experience.

I'd probably ask for the first three chapters, mainly because I'm curious to learn more about Valda, and because your version of Loki has a manipulative slant to him that I think I might enjoy.
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I liked this synopsis. We actually work through the story with the MC. This synopsis has a bit of a voice. It sort of reminds me of fan fiction with the Norse Gods. I'm not sure what kind of tone this has. Is it tongue-in-cheek? It could be with the way the synopsis is written and I think that needs to be revealed. Speaking of revealed, any editor will cringe when he/she reads about 'a shocking secret from the dim early days'. That may be okay in the book, but not in the synopsis.

This has a nice story arc and is easy to follow.

Too much and not enough. I’m not sure you need to include every plot twist. A few can probably be skipped over in the service of clarity and emphasizing the real story arc.

Try to make the story (in the synopsis) more about the main story arc rather than a recitation of the plot. To me, the main conflict is not the war against the sorcerer king as much as it is Cale’s struggle against being defiled by his temptation. Can you pare down the plot to highlight that?
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The story was very different from what I am used to, which is a good thing. It’s something fresh, but I was confused through the whole thing because I couldn’t understand what the “bleeding” was. Nor was it clear what purification meant. This bleeding seems an integral part of the story and if I can’t understand what that is to at least some degree, I wouldn’t want to read more. Although, part of the synopsis seems very unclear I liked the plot lay.
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Quite an original idea for basing your world's magic. But I'm not sure what the vine is-a physical thing or an energy force (ala Star Wars)? I got the impression it could have been both things at times.

I like how Cale seems driven to live up to the sterling reputation of his father yet he is struggling with some big time personal demons.

What order was Cale called by?

Why don't his neighbors trust him?

How does his father react to all of this? How much of it does he know about? You could really crank up the tension by having Cale encounter him at some point when he is really trying to hide his cravings. Cale's “greatest desire is to make his father proud” – does he succeed? Don't leave us hanging about that.
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First question is, Is the Vine a Vine? If it isn’t there is a potential for confusion here and an explanation is in order. The third paragraph adds to this confusion because here is sounds differently and the “scourges those that bleed against it with pain” while literary, adds to the lack of clarity. This needs to be straightforward so the reader clearly understands the concepts, save the prose for the manuscript.

The fourth paragraph that begins with Cale” must rescue Laveenya is awfully busy with lots of characters and concepts introduced in rapid fashion. This forces some concepts, like the description of what the “honor” is to be put off until way later, adding to the confusion of the reader. There is a lot here so the concepts need to be introduced clearly. By putting so many different actions in this one paragraph you are forced in succeeding paragraphs to go back and explain them after the fact. I would suggest reordering them to fully explain Laveenya and the honor, then go back and talk about why she needs rescuing.

You also need to be more clear on the task Cale is given. First you say rescue, then it’s to accompany her on a journey. They may all be part of the task, but they need to be clearly laid out at some point. In the following paragraphs, because you are switching back and forth between Cale doing the mission and explaining the paragraph it is disjointed adding to the confusion of the reader.

I was also confused in the part about Cale’s need for refreshing. Again seems like a lot of switching back and forth between action of what is going on and explanation of the basic rules of the realm. Immediately following this paragraph there is the introduction of a new character. Who becomes a foe, but without much explanation of him, only his actions. This also uses “bleeding” again which added to my confusion. Did you mean actual bleeding, or something else, because it seems like something deeper, but the use of a common term leads to confusion.

There is also a character named “Haeles” that seems only to do one action, this naming of a very minor character clutters up the already complex tale and adds to confusion, if he’s not coming up again just call him a priest.

The introduction of so many groups in so short a time and so many different actions back and forth add to the complexity. I would guess someone reading this at a publisher would tire of it easily. I would suggest that you look at chopping it in half, only including the main actions. You can add the side battles in the manuscript, but probably not necessary to give the reviewer the gist of the story. All the adds complexity to your task and confusion to the reader.

Clarity: 2 (Started out pretty good but soon became almost too complex to follow)
Consistency: 7 (with so many different threads you were bound to trip yourself up at points)
Plausibility: 7
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First paragraph, I wanted to know what the order is. The first sentence in the third paragraph feels like it is missing a word or two to me. Fourth paragraph feels like lots of names thrown at me. In general, I think there might be a more clear way to organize all the background details. Also, concepts like bleeding are a bit vague, but seem important. Lots of magic/ world jargon throughout. Use it a few times without clarification on what it was. In paragraph “Cale sense the honor” I feel like I missed some event, passage of time. Also, when did Cale become an elder. Also Lavyeena- who is her true love?
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The simplistic way of describing my experience with this synopsis is that I got lost early on. It was probably due to a combination of factors: (1) I felt no connectivity to Cale; I got the obvious point that he wants to make his father proud and that he wants to exceed as an elder, but what is it about his personality or his tendencies or his past that causes such distrust from his neighbors? Once the window of opportunity to find connectivity to this character was missed, I found it difficult feel anything during his subsequent actions. (2) I started off not fully understanding what "bleeding" meant (I had an idea early on, but it didn't seem to match other references), as well as the full extent of the Order.

Adding to the convoluted experience was the introduction of many characters, most of which I never got any kind of solid read on.

All that said, the story's concept seemed interesting.

In its current state, I'd pass asking for chapters. With more explanation up front, I might be tempted to ask for the first three chapters.
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Well, first off the disclaimer, I am by no means an expert on synopsis, so, my opinion is just based on my thoughts and what I believe a synopsis is. I liked the first paragraph a lot. It laid the magic right out for me. But then we ran into the same situation as most of our synopsises I am afraid(I am sure mine included) I got lost. Too many names, and too complex for a synopsis. I believe we need to limit it to 3 no more than 5 characters, and 3-5 plot scenes. Plus beginning and end. A tough task. It is evident you have a story here, just needs to be simplified for a synopsis.
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I start not understanding the Vine at all. Is it a metaphysical manifestation? Or something tangible? It's taking me too long to find out and I'm lost right off the mark. He has to rescue Laveenya, yet then he has to escort her to her uncle.

I believe asking questions in a synopsis is not the best of ideas. The question is the assignment is a perfect test. You've already called it an 'important assignment.'

Mosquitos, how do they corrupt Cale? By making him bleed? Again, what or where is the Vine? Past this point, I'm not picking up the story. He needs to be purified? Is this purification a quest?

Cale's way out of the Vine is blocked? Again is this in his mind or a physical manifestation? Does the Vine follow him around? How does fear keep Cale from bleeding?

Where some of the synopses have too much of a data dump, this one needs some kind of description of the magic system since it is too entwined with Cale.

I wanted a bit more meat to start this off. You are dropping a lot of tantalizing bits that I am not familiar with. I'd like a more complete summation of who and what she is.

Where is Valeriah's home? She “rushes home through the portal between the ordinary world and Chimeria.” Her jobs lead me to think she is now in Chimeria. So then her grandfather, and her home would be in the ordinary world. But Valeriah, Crystal, and Rolf flee to LA which would have her home in Chimeria.

Can you explain what the Portal Watch is up front? You mention Valeriah being a member of it but I have no sense of what it is right off the bat.

The half werewolf idea throws me a bit. What is the difference between Valeriah and a full werewolf? A werewolf is already half woman/half wolf to begin with.

I can imagine a really cool scene with Valeriah and the Matriarch at the end.
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I like the plot line; it has a good flow to it. The characters seem to have some depth about them. I would suggest something more to be said of amazing creatures in the real world. Maybe, something of the struggle in keeping identities hid while the battle rages on. Also, what does ‘he’ want from her that is made so clear? I can guess at it, but it might be better explained a bit.
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One section I was confused on was Rolf makes no secret of what he wants and Valeriah runs off. The wording left me uncertain if he was trying to seduce her or simply forcefully trying to obtain the artifact.
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Might want to include more information on Valeriah’s jobs if they are important to the story, if not just state she works for the council. Obviously the fact that the portals were used by the killers makes them important. Chimeria is a real word with real meaning and can lead to confusion on the part of the reader. The paragraph about her returning home was a little confusing. Moving the information about the relationship to the real world and the world where Valeriah resides would probably be better moved to the first paragraph, thus not splitting the part about her rushing home and the reason.

The part about Valeriah’s grandfather uttering one word and sending her on a new direction, while dramatic, stretches the plausibility envelope. How does she know that is what he meant? It might help to have some background here like she had been pressing her grandfather for clues about the murder and that’s why she left. Then I can believe why she would take it that way.

The inclusion of a new character, Crystal, without explaining her presence in a little confusing. What is her relationship to Valeriah, the grandfather. Is she a relative? A friend of Valeriah? Why do they try to kill her and not Valeriah?
I had a little problem with dropping Los Angeles in the middle of the story then just walking away from any other references to the area. I had a similar problem with dropping the sentence in about Rolf wanting something from Valeriah and then not expounding. You’re not trying to build suspense here, but rather lay out the story in clear, concise terms so the reader can understand it. This just adds to the confusion.

I question the use of viruses as a weapon, they are slow acting and require a period of gestation. If the plan is a long term one fine, but a serial killer generally was a quicker, faster acting method. Again with the recovery portion, a virus wouldn’t have a long painful recovery, generally once the virus is cured the patient is cured. A more direct method would better fit the story.

Clarity: 8
Consistency: 8
Plausibility: 9
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I like your characters, what little I know of them. The story flows pretty well and has decent focus, though it might help to have a better idea (or suspicion) who has the artifact and what the immediate danger is.

Two opportunities for tension, I think, are missed here. First, an earlier introduction of Zobran to create tension between the men and give the reader doubts about each. Second, an illustration of the “difficulties inherent in taking a werewolf as a mate.” These would create barriers and raise questions that create tension.

The tone is better than most. I’d like to get just a bit more, but maybe I’m being greedy.
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Well done. The last theird the start with Zobran is where it started getting off. It is extremely hard to limit characters in the synopsis, one thing I read said limit it to 3 names, more than that is confusing. For me it was like the bad guy came out of nowhere, the last third. I know he was there all along, but not being named may have added to my confusion. I think you have a real solid start here.
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Of all the entries that contained what I would consider an intricate plot, this one was the easiest to follow. The overall flow also contributed to my enthusiasm to read further, even though I'm not a big fan of 'murder mysteries.'

I can guess at the purpose and the responsibilities of the Portal Watch, but a better explanation would be beneficial.

One potential choking point (and, keep in mind, this is one of my personal preferences / expectancies): I didn't get a sense from the synopsis why the story bears the title it does. The only 'blood' reference I remember reading about was when Valeriah discovers Rolf's true identity and subsequently goes running to control her blood rage. If this was the key reference, it was vague. Granted, this might not be as big of an issue with a synopsis as it would / could be with the story itself, but, for 'editors' like me, it assists with the total connectivity package.

Despite that nit, I would ask to see the first three chapters.
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This has a good story arc and unlike others, spends some time providing a character arc for the MC. Some of the machinations of the two worlds is a little unclear as stated in the synopsis, could do with a bit more description. Also what happened to Crystal's artifact for turning temporary portals into permanent ones?

The flow is logical and the story is clearly stated.

This has a nice epic feel to it.

Whose bodies does Anlin take the coin purses from? It seems like Roselyn was attacked by The Five. Then Anlin storms in and takes money from the bodies of the dead. But you've just established you have to kill all of them at once.
Were Roselyn's parents captured when she was first attacked? You don't mention this although I can infer it from later events.

The ending was very satisfying. Roselyn gives up her life in the sense of her life as she knows it. This is a nice twist that changes the sense of what I expected from the beginning but doesn't feel like a cheat.
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Very good. There are a few too many strange names. Try to keep that to the ones you absolutely need.

I still think you need to concentrate a little less on capturing every element of the plot. Instead, try to give more detail in a few of the more telling scenes--How the expectation of Roselyn’s death affects Anlin at the beginning, the point where he’s ready to die after the dragon’s death, and how learning that Roselyn will give her life, not literally, but as a Knight’s Valor, for example. Give those in some detail and then just sketch in what you need of the plot to connect them. Don’t try to tell us every step along the way.
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Is your title Knights Valor? Also,“Knights Valor” is what, an order, a status, an ideal? The five, are gods or are they a party of people, alive, dead? The shield, was it used by five people, heroes, gods? It is very unclear at first. I can relate more with the shield of SomeStrangeName than with the shield of the five, unless more is known about the five. I can understand more as I read, but it is a bit of a turn-off to start the synopsis with so little understanding. All that said, I like the overall plot. With one major exception, why would he give her the shield and why would he kill her? A few minor changes and you will have an excellent story synopsis. I want to read more.
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I enjoyed the imaginative artifacts and creatures, and there was something about the calling of Anlin that drew me in.

The overall focus and tone of the story was pretty good. There were a couple times when it seemed it could use some preview, such as the woman Scarlyn and a reason the Scarlyn’s might have skin in the game.

Also, I wasn’t clear at all that Roselyn would have to be actually killed by anyone--that’s a hard pill to swallow, and it needs some clarity in the beginning. I’m really not sure what happened in the last paragraph.

It could be tightened up.
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The first paragraph is unclear and a little busy, it ends in a non-sentence further adding to the confusion. Evil, what? Is Anlin a Knight Valor? Sounds like there is a back story here that is missing or not complete. In the second paragraph it sounds like Anlin is taking money from the dead villagers to buy drink, is that what you intended?

I assumed the fact that he takes the girl to the Temple is because that is where the shield and Trevain is, but that is only an assumption because there is no back story there to let me know the relationship. I also guessed the horse Anlin is riding was resurrected with him (does he have magical powers if that is the case) or did his just pick up any old horse. The term “Knights Valor” seems plural, but it is being applied to a single knight which is confusing.

The sentence about tracking his horse is unclear and could benefit from either breaking it up or reorganizing it. The fragment “deeper into the night” is really confusing there. I also had to assume the Black Mare was his horse. Again more information about the horse initially would have helped.
When talking about the return to town we find out that the girl’s parents are alive which is news to us, back-story up front telling us that would have helped.

Most readers will know what a wallow is, so reiterating it is a depression is probably talking down to them a little. The sentence about the five being somehow healed threw me off because that’s what I expected to happen from the description of them, so a little unclear what you mean here. The part about regrouping is unclear because at this point it seems it’s just Anlin and the dragon, or did someone else join that we don’t know about.

In the last paragraph Roselyn reappears, where has she been? Seems like we lost them. The last paragraph is really unclear on what is happening. Roselyn gets the shield and summons the demons who now appear good, but Anlin feels good because he doesn’t have to kill her? There is a big gap here in the rules that need more explanation.

Clarity: 5
Consistency: 5
Plausibility: 7
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The first sentence was a bit confusing “persona of bearer” didn’t make sense. Second paragraph, first sentence felt like a lot of names, places and concepts with no context. In general, the second paragraph was difficult for me to parse out. Tiskla’s introduction seems sudden and for me, a who? What? They can summon dragons? Kind of response. Overall, I was a bit confused on how things worked and what they meant. Maybe work on making flow more smoothly for people who don’t know anything about world and characters.
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I think the opening paragraph was tight and gave me a good sense of promise that a worthwhile adventure was about to be told. Yet, in setting up a clear understanding of Anlin's purpose in the story, you set me up for an awkward jolt: when Roselyn recites the prayer of the Knights Valor, Anlin wakes up. Except...I had no idea he was slumbering and/or in hibernation and/or whatever it might be called. Is he an active knight? The opening paragraph hinted as such. Is he a 'sleeper' or some sort of spirit to be summoned? The next paragraph hinted as such. Now, I have no idea what is what.

Somewhat on that note: I finished the synopsis feeling as if I knew more about The Five and the mystical weapons than I do Trevain or Anlin. If Anlin and Trevain are your protagonist and antagonist (which, it seems to me, they are), I would want to know more about their motives, and especially about any history they might have between them.
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The little prologue makes Anlin's awakening a bit confusing. What was he doing to make him slumber for ages? The phenomena of taking the requester's life should be disclosed before he takes the coins and buys drink to silence the ghosts.

This is certainly an exiting sword and sorcery piece. There are some interesting twists and turns. I think this could be reduced in size by condensing the action quite a bit.

The story arc is clear. It barely avoids being a tragedy. As a plot point, Anlin is a bit too lucky. The aspect of Roselyn becoming a Knights Valor comes too suddenly and stretches disbelief, in my case anyway.

Even if I do not agree with what is being said about story / synopsis / contest entry, the vast majority of the crits offered here allow me to see my efforts from angles and perspectives I might not have achieved on my own. With the observations offered in this particular challenge, I now have a better idea of how to fix the 'broken parts' of the story itself, which, when the time comes, will lead to a better synopsis. What writer determined to succeed at his/her craft wouldn't get psyched about this kind of opportunity?!

Here are the results:

First place: BLOOD WILL TELL . . . . 34

Ah, gee. *Blushes. Looks down.* Thanks. *Kicks the dirt.* But I really can't accept. I mean, I ran the thing.

So:

First place: VALDA AND THE VALKYRIES . . . . 20.5
Second place: FOR THE GODS . . . . . . . . . 12
Third place: KNIGHTS VALOR . . . . . . . . . 9

The hands down winner for best title was:

Thanks everyone! This was hard but it was also a lot of fun. It helps so much to have fresh eyes look at this stuff and point out what you're missing. I'd never written one of these before being able to read so many others as well as write my own taught me a lot. I was holding off adding to the discussion thread until the votes were over but I look forward to talking things out with all of you.