posted
Those of you coming down off NaNo with a novel--and the rest of us, too. Here's a challenge for us novelists:
Write a query for your novel, complete or not, and post it in this thread. Queries should be no longer than 400 words. (250 is the ideal.)
Queries must be posted by December 21.
All entrants must critique the other queries by December 31 or be disqualified.
Since the entries will be less than half a flash, entrants get one chance to revise the queries by January 7. (Add the revised query to your original post)
Critiquing revised queries, though appreciated, is absolutely voluntary.
Vote for the best three queries by January 15. All entrants must vote or be disqualified. Optional side vote for the most improved.
Scoring: 5 points for first, 3 points for second, 1 point for third.
The only prize is the knowledge that you've got one of the hardest parts of preparing to submit your novel well in hand.
So we all know which queries to look for to critique, the entries (so far, the deadline is still a couple of days away) are:
Meredith, MAGE STORM
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC
MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS
Genevive42, SANDFISHING
Snapper, POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING
Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE
Axeminster, THE SUNDAY KILLER
MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 19, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. But that was before her parents died, and now she's left alone in a world of magic and danger she doesn't understand.
Her only hope to survive is to steal her mother’s notebook from the Grandmothers with the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy. Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC is a complete 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever Meredith put in hers] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC: (121 word query)
********
REVISED QUERY,(232 words)
Dear Laura Rennert,
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. Then her parents died and left her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being thin doesn't help you pay bills. But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls. If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website. Thank you for your consideration. NAME
phone email Mailing address
Revised query after comments.(243 words)**********
Dear.....,
If you could change everything you don't like about yourself, then does that mean everything about you is wrong? FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is the un(TRUE) story of Larissa Alvarez, a sixteen-year-old girl who only cares about magic because it can make everything she doesn't like about herself go away.
Her mother owns the only surviving copy of the Killing Runes, powerful runes fought over for centuries. When the Grandfathers set a trap to steal the Killing Runes, they destroy everyone in Larissa's family, except Larissa. As the only sophomore invited to a very important party, she refused to flee with her family, or stay home to watch her five-year-old sister.
With her family gone, and the guilt of her little sister's death on her shoulders, Larissa vows to steal her mother's notebook back, no matter the cost. She finds an ally in the boy with no boundaries, Joe Penrod, a lost mage who knows less about magic then she does, and finally becomes the witch her mother always wanted her to be, just too late for her mother to see.
Along the way, she realizes that her new ally Joe is an unknowing tool of the men who killed her family, and that by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy.
Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a complete 70,000 word YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [...] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration,
Sheena Boekweg
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited January 04, 2011).]
Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart.
A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.
The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 01, 2010).]
Doctor Omar Ajami is no stranger to hard choices. In United Korea, he’d decided who would live or die from among the war wounded. As an ER surgeon, he’d been forced to choose between violating the ethical codes of his profession in order to save his fiancée’s brother, or losing precious minutes waiting for another surgeon to come and operate. His choice had proven to be a fatal one.
Aboard the cruise ship Royal Empress, he’d traded hard choices and cold corpses for sandy beaches and smooth sailing. Yet when a race of sentient symbiotic aliens - one of which takes Omar as his host - invade the Royal Empress, a decision to eclipse all those before is thrust upon him.
Node, his symbiont, can wipe his recent memory and allow him to return to the easy life on the Caribbean to remain blissfully ignorant of the Symbiont race, or he can sacrifice his very genetic code to the aliens to become the first of a new mankind. A new species that - in the service of the Symbionts – will chart humanity’s role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that promises more death than he has seen in his lifetime.
But when Omar discovers that Node is capable of influencing or even controlling his emotions, senses, and thoughts, how can he be sure he the decision will be his own?
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] hard science fiction novel informed by degrees in psychology and neuroscience as well as a career in genetics. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within. Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
Regards, [Name & Contact Info]
---------------- OLD QUERY ----------------
Okay, here we go, this is my first crack at a query for my WIP novel. Actually my first crack at a query, ever.
‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter.
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers are unaccountably missing.
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s backs.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within. Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 24, 2010).]
Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone.
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews.
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected.
Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
posted
Going to try my hand at this. I'm sure this is going to make some of you laugh.
quote:Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words)
Dear Agent,
I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one.
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.
The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo.
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.
In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school.
There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.
She finds that wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company.
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life.
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland.
The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Me.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited December 16, 2010).]
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue.
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.
The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Enniorhon thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders.
For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he.
In a world where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.
The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website.
posted
I am using the name of a real agent that handles Fantasy, or he did three years ago, since we are supposed to not use the term Dear Agent. And IÕm guessing at the number of words. And I based this on the model we were taught three to four years ago, with two pro writers helping us.
265 words long.
Dear Mr. Hamilburg
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life. After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change. Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Ms. Phyllis Stein-Cutpurse Cutpurse Literary Agency 13 West 24th St. New York, New York 10010
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,
The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston.
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.
At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector.
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.
posted
This is a critique of Meredith's query for MageStorm.
My first impression is that this sounds an awful lot like most of the aspiring fantasy writer manuscripts I've seen. This doesn't make Rell sound like an interesting or compelling character, just somebody who things happen to and who runs into things. It sounds from your query like you've put more thought into your world building than into your characters and their conflicts. We have no reason at all to care about the Great Mage Wars and their (literal) fallout, because we get fifty drafts for apocalypse on our desk every single day.
Think of the great YA books and series. The hero is vivid and his personal quest compelling. Harry Potter is a boy who has no place in the world, because his true place is in the world of magic. When he discovers his place, he must prove he is worthy of it. Taran of Caer Dalben is an assistant pig-keeper who wants to be something more; he wants to be a hero. He doesn't understand that heroism is found in unlikely places. Taran must learn that a true hero can make even pig-keeping heroic.
So what is Rell's quest? Is he happy where he is until the unwelcome touch of magic sets him apart? Then his quest is to restore things to the way they were by taking a journey that makes him more than he was at the outset. Is he a loner or outsider who doesn't fit in? Then his quest is to find his place and thus make things right.
Make Rell identifiable as an individual; give him friends we love and enemies we fear. Why does Rell seek out Trav, and why does he trust Trav?
Stylistically, I think it might be best to speak in the present tense consistently, e.g., "After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list." becomes "Rell witnesses a student exploding after Trav goads him into containing his magic. Realizing he may be next, Rell flees."
I still thing the exploding bit sounds a bit "Tim the Enchanter" if we aren't bought into world yet, which you won't do in a query. Therefore I'd use "die" instead of "exploding" if you don't want to sound a bit silly.
posted
This is a critique of shimiqua's FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC query.
I think your revised query is better, although the paragraph breaks are a bit odd (starting a paragraph on "But" without a line between.
I like the way the query focuses on the character's personality, problems and relationships. I think it gets a pit precious here:
"If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers."
It's trying to conversational, but it comes across as forced. IT also has too many words to express the underlying idea, and too much shoehorned into a single sentence. In fact the whole paragraph is a bit cluttered. I think it might go better this way:
"Larissa needs her mother’s notebook to make sense of any of this, but it's in the hands of the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. She enlists Joe Penrod to help her steal it back. She falls in love with him, not realizing he's on the other side of the war that killed her family."
Also it Joe Penrod is the boy who walks through walls in the prior para, identify him there. I thought this bit was a kind of obvious and maybe trite:"and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason."
Also this kind of melodramatic turn in the last paragraph is at odds with the somewhat zany atmosphere of the opening. It might do to foreshadow that a bit because its jarring.
I'm generally not a fan of heavy handed world building, but the premise of the MC owning a gladiatorial arena is intriguing. One thing that really stood out (in a bad way) was:
"A *very unusual* individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show".
That's what I call in manuscripts a "hard sell". We're told what to think about a character. It gives a bad impression here. I think it might work better like this:
"Owyn is approached by a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk, who want to be part of the brutal show. He is a rare snow white Rarruhirr, whom Owyn mockingly calls 'Snowflake'."
I think the query sounds like you've got a fine set up, but the coy ending (" Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.") makes it sound almost as if you haven't figured out what to do with that set up yet.
Finally, I think it might be nice to get a better idea of what Owyn is like. Is he a cynical, worldly money-grubber, who's curiousity is motivated by greed? Or does his curiosity about his new star attraction indicate he is a fish out of water, not at all suited to the hard driving question-avoiding world of combat entertainment?
posted
This is my critique of Osiris' SYMBIOSIS query.
I really like the humorous opening, but by the time we get to "All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens..." I'm starting to lose interest. I think that's because we're getting more details about the twists of the plot than I'm ready to be interested in. This is a sales pitch, not a plot synopsis. There's perhaps a little too much stage management in this query and not enough focus on the basic problem the MC confronts.
Also, there's something of an inconsistent tone in the query, which I've found looking at a number of such queries. We have this kind of Douglas Adams humor, then in the next paragraph we have the MC confronting the corpse of the woman he loves.
It's like Stalin's famous statement that "The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic." One might as well substitute "drama" for "tragedy" and "comedy" for "statistic". So will it be Arthur Dent, shuffling around the galaxy in his bathrobe looking for a decent cup of tea because he can't get his brain around the entire world being blown up? That's comedy. Or will it be Lt. Ripley playing cat-and-mouse with an alien horror? This
There's also one compositional problem in the query: "he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice." At first I took a doubletake here. Wasn't that *three* bodies? No, the woman he loves *is* the nurse. So, do we really need to know she's a nurse here to understand what this story is generally about?
Here's the impression I'd get from this query. The author has a certain flair for humor, but hasn't quite made up his mind what kind of atmosphere he wants for his story. This is a very common problem in manuscripts I've seen, which can't make up their mind to be tragic or comical or flirty. The plot is complicated to the point of obscuring the basic conflicts in the story. The query has one serious proofreading error, so there's lots more waiting for me in the manuscript.
I think the opening paragraph is information overload. We get several numbers that we feel like we have to keep in our head in case we're called on to do some calculation with them (Kara was 12 when she got her scars, 13 at the revolution). On top of that we get vocabulary to learn (Orkers, Jerenak) that we might need to recall (but don't).
All this obscures the opening of the pitch: what is the MC's problem? I think slimming down the opening of this pitch to focus on that and to drop the unneeded jargon and numbers makes a more attractive pitch. Here's a possible example of how this might be done:
"Kaya Settlemen longs to start a new life somewhere where the distinctive scarification on her left hand won't mark her as one of her planet's former ruling class. But interstellar travel is expensive for an outcast barely scraping by collecting scrap metal and making toys for those few willing to deal with her kind."
The point is to get to the MC's motivation right up front in fewer words with less distraction.
The second paragraph is also a bit detail heavy. Does knowing that her roommate once tried to mug her set this up any better or sell the manuscript?
Finally, as we get toward the end of this synopsis/query, the description of the plot starts to get more vague and a bit coy.
"With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews." Well, sure, but this doesn't sound convincing, like you've figured out this is what you *want* the plot to do but haven't found a credible way to do it. It's a hard sell that doesn't really tell us that we'd want to buy this manuscript. If you leave this out, we get right to Kaya in the desert learning all kinds of things she's not supposed to know. That's a more dramatic transition, and yo9 could leave it there.
"What she gets is something completely unexpected." See, there is the hard sell again. Of *course* she's going to get something completely expected. What's she going to get *exactly what she'd been expecting all along*? For that matter we *know* she's coming back to fix the people who done her wrong, so it's superfluous in the pitch.
posted
This is my critique of snapper's Pokemon Vengeance query.
I see a number of potential red flags here.
"I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency."
(1) 13 times published? Vanity press publishers, fan websites, and club newsletters don't count, and that's what the agent is going to think. Say rather, "I have been published over thirteen times, including *Caves of Steel* (Doubleday), *Ender's Game* (Tor), and *The Left Hand of Darkness* (Ace Books).
(2) "beneficial to your agency" -- we're getting into serious credibility problems here. If the agent thought you were submitting this proposal in order to inflict fatal damage to his agency, would he believe you? So why bring it up at all?
"I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market."
(3) Are you sure? Or are you telling him? Is that even true? My guess is that you probably want to find an agent who deals with novelizations of media franchises -- may be even *this* franchise. In that case you *can* be sure he knows. So you'd want to say,
"I am approaching your agency because you represent novelizations of cartoon franchises, such as "Droopy Dog" and "Little Lulu".
Or... If you are trying to convince an agent who *doesn't* represent this kind of material good luck, but I'd put it like this:
"According to Publisher's Weekly, the novelization market grossed over eight hundred and fifty three *billion* dollars last year alone ['Cartoon Novelizations More Popular than Jesus Christ', page 1, Publisher's Weekly, December 17, 2010]"
(4) "fan-fic" -- really? Is that how you want to position your manuscript? Most fan-fic is free and worth every penny -- totally unpublishable. Maybe "novelization" would be better.
"The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan."
(5) This part I like, but if you bring it up potential market at all you should justify your claims, e.g. "Pokemon fans who were eight years old at the franchise introduction are now twenty three years old, and over a million packets of Pokemon Cards are sold annually to young adults over the age of sixteen [Wizards of the Coast Annual Report, FY 2010]." Again, good luck convincing an agent who doesn't handle this.
"Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. **In it** the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t."
(6) "In it" is confusing. It sounds like you are referring to a previously published novelization called "Pokemon Vengeance", when you are in fact referring to the feature film and "Pokemon Vengeance" is *your* novel.
"Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it."
(7) So -- you're announcing you're messing with the formula? This seems to me to be the kind of complaint an older fan might make. Fair enough. But owners of franchises like this are very focused on milking the formula. I'd put it differently, focusing on how an "edgier" feel (how I hate that word) feel will keep older fans interested, while drawing in younger fans copying their elders.
"Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted."
(8) OK, I know *we* think we're offering the agent a gold mine by telling him he's got a chance to grab *three* of our masterpieces, but I don't think agents see it that way. I think they want to be sold on *this* book, and once they're excited about that they may be open to talking about book two and three. In fact, they may look at and think "this guy's been trying to sell this book for a long time with no takers."
posted
This is my critique of Owasm's query for *The Reluctant Mage*.
"In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school."
I'm beginning to see a pattern emerge here of queries opening with worldbuilding details. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but I focusing on the characters first makes a better impression, since so many manuscripts are overbuilt and underpopulated. The same goes for too many details ("Norise of Bordon Forest" is too much name unless we need to answer a quiz about the various Norises in the world).
Just about every synopsis I see starts out this way "In a world where something inexplicable has happened something incomprehensible has happened." Here we're a head of the game because "wizards stalking the land" really is a nice turn of phrase.
Maybe it would be good to lead with Norise's name. e.g. "Norise is about to enter finishing school when she receives an unwelcome gift: the power of the dying Master Mage..."
The synopsis seems a bit disjointed: "Along the way ..." It makes it sound like a lot of manuscripts where the MC moves around and things happen to him/her. I think it might work better if you put it this way, "Norise makes her way to the Master Mage's Tower, the one place she can get rid of the magic. Along the way she collects an eccentric band of followers including an apprentice wizard, a ghost, a sentient cloud and a teenaged bandit girl..."
That really is the stuff of many a rip-roaring tale: an unlikely fish out of water hero (or heroine) goes on a comic quest, collecting a motley band of misfits along the way. It could be Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz, the Bremen Town Muscicians, or any one of dozens of stories from the Brothers Grimm.
posted
This is my critique of axeminster's query for The Sunday Killer
So far this is my favorite of the bunch, but it needs work. The bit about Robert Argyle and his dead friend is a headscratcher, until you realize that he is a detective. So you might go with something like this:
"Homicide detective Robert Argyle has a secret weapon; a long dead childhood friend who helps him solve case. When that friend falls silent, Argyle can't crack the case and the murders continue."
"Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle." it breaks the logical flow to have this as its own paragraph when logically it's part of the previous sentence. I think also you might want to emphasize that this isn't a foregone conclusion, it's a disturbing hunch that comes to her in a flash of insight. Uncertainty is more gripping than certainty. So it might go like this: "Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, she disovers a knack for detective work that leads her to a disturbing possiblity: Argyll himself may be the killer."
One thing that bears some explanation is why a *student* would be doing this. At the very least she shoudl be a resident.
Finally I think there are too many one sentence paragraphs.
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I'm knocking off for the day before I start getting too mean in my critiques.
It's remarkable that agents have to plow through fifty or more of these a day. I've only given thought to eight today, and already I've conceived an unfathomable contempt for all writers (including myself).
I think I'll lie down and take a couple ibuprofen.
[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 17, 2010).]
posted
Well, MattLeo, your efforts with these queries have been amazing. I hope the recipients can learn from your insights, because I think they are invaluable, even though they may seem a bit harsh. They have been constructive in that they have offered better ways to present the stories.
That said, the recipients do not have to accept or even consider what you have said. That's their prerogative.
But I, for one, thank you for your efforts and your insights. And I hope you feel better in the morning.
posted
I also have the critiques written down but I thought I would wait until the deadline before posting them. And I also could feel the contempt in my own words when I commented so I understand editors a little better now.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 18, 2010).]
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My Agent Agents R Us XX Madison Avenue New York, NY
January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
From the moment Michael stepped out of the car at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie, he knew his summer would be magical. Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else. But that was good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped in a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair.
Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions, Michael enlists the help of Chrissie. Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens haunt their trail and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.
With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch’s clutches hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
I think this last query is the second time I've seen the term upper middle grade. I don't recall ever seeing that term before having to do with novels. Seems like I should have by now but as I said I don't remember it.
quote:One question here. I think this last query is the second time I've seen the term upper middle grade. I don't recall ever seeing that term before having to do with novels. Seems like I should have by now but as I said I don't remember it.
It can be argued that you should just say middle grade, and some will argue that. But middle grade fiction is usually targeted to readers of about ages 8 to 12. If you think of those readers developmentally and in terms of their interests, there's a big gap between 8 and 12. Upper middle grade (where it's recognized) is the tween market--ages 10 to 14 or so.
posted
Well, Kathleen, I take my duty to authors I critique very seriously. My attitude toward each manuscript, even if my reaction to it is negative, is that there's a great novel in here somewhere. My responsibility as a critic is to help the author uncover that. It is *never* to advocate my preferences over those of the author.
That's a delicate balance that isn't possible to achieve all the time. My personal preferences don't really matter; what I dislike others may without any justification love. However my reactions are the only starting point I have. Critiquing a manuscript is really an exercise in self-examination. When I critique a manuscript, what I am doing is dissecting *my* reaction to it. If that's not the reaction the author is looking for, he can use that as data to shape the reaction he desires. I try to be as specific as possible so that the author has something more to go on than "I loved it keep up the good work" or "I hated it, you should give up." My opinion is unimportant; how I arrived at it may be useful.
I sometimes offer my own redrafting of sentences or paragraphs in a manuscript, which I realize is dangerously close to imposing my tastes on the author. I do this in order to establish that my reaction is reasonable (that I'm not comparing the manuscript to the impossible) and to clarify my point. However I don't expect authors to take my advice or redrafting at face value. What gives me the greatest pleasure as a critic is when an author takes my feedback and does something entirely unexpected with it.
This particular exercise is a bit different, in that a query letters are all about first impressions. The selling process is inherently harsh and unfair to the author's manuscript. My stance in this exercise is that the novel being sold is outstanding, and this query is the only chance it has of seeing the light of day. Therefore I come across as more harsh than I would on a manuscript critique, because in a query letter all those "on the other hands" don't matter.
As far as submitting these early, I did that in order to make sure that the authors had a chance to revise their queries -- especially if they are actually sending them out. It wasn't stated in the terms of the challenge that critiques ought to be withheld until after the entry deadline. If that is the case, I'll be glad to delete them.
[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 19, 2010).]
posted
No problem with the early critiques, MattLeo. My only concern, which I hope I addressed in the thread in Open Discussions, was that some entrants might think the entry period had already closed. (Also, I tend to be a little OC about some things and just like to have things tidy--one and then the other--but that's not the real world.) I'll take on the responsibility of keeping track of who has submitted a query to the challenge and remind everyone to critique the stragglers if one gets buried among the critiques.
For one, I appreciate your comments. It shows me where the query or synopsis is failing to express the underlying story. I know it so well by now that it's too easy to forget that other readers don't know what's behind that simple sentence.
Query writing is hands down the hardest part of this novel business. Or maybe that's the synopsis and the query runs a close second. Sometimes it's hard to tell.
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Yes, thanks for the critique MattLeo. It was my first ever shot at a query, and first for this novel, so I'm just learning how it is done.
Symbiosis is more Ripley than Dent (though the characters don't fall into tidy good vs evil as they do in Aliens), so you do bring up a good point. I used the humor as a hook for the query, but that does promise the same kind of humor in the novel, so if it isn't there, the agent will feel cheated if they request the first 3 chapters and find it missing.
So, I think keeping the same tone as the novel would be the way to go for the revision.
So basically a query should be focused on characters and their conflicts?
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 19, 2010).]
quote:So basically a query should be focused on characters and their conflicts?
One way to look at it (and there are a lot of ways to look at it) is that the query needs to answer three questions:
Who is the main character and why should we care?
What is the mc's problem?/What choice do they have to make?
What are the obstacles or consequences?
Another handy piece of advice I've picked up is that the query only needs to go as far as the inciting incident. It doesn't need to cover the whole story.
posted
I have in my library an extraordinary book: Clifford Ashley's *Ashley Book of Knots*. As a boy in the 1880s and 90s, Ashley used to hang round the docks where he learned fancy knot work from the old salts who congregated there. These were men who sailed in the age where sailors were illiterate and had little to do with their time off other than sleep and amuse themselves with the one thing a sailing ship had almost limitless abundance: odd scraps of rope.
When a sailor of old went to apply for a position, the rope work on his kit transformed him into a walking advertisement for his seamanship. A sailor's sea chest would certainly have rope handles, and these would nearly always be worthy of close inspection. In Ashley's day sail was giving way to steam; many of these old salts found themselves surplus to requirements in an age where ships no longer required men who could climb aloft in a gale and rig a sail, bend a sheet, or lash a broken spar.
That, my friend is you. As a novelist in the fading era of literacy you are an anachronism. Your skills set you apart; you do what others cannot or dare not, but this is era of "content" and "media" rather than books and stories. Places to get paid putting your skills to work are few. Your query leter is like the lanyard from which the old salt's knife dangles, or the curiously knotted blackjack in his belt. It's sample of your mastery of those vanishing skills.
So the one rule I should think is that your query should stand out by being better written than the run of the mill littering the agent's desk. If you do that with world building, fine, but since overbuilt worlds and weak characters are the granny knots of fantasy storytelling, I'd *guess* that showing you know how to make a character interesting in a few short sentences is a pretty good advertisement for your unusual skill.
[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 19, 2010).]
I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
Brendan
Meredith, would it be possible to put a list of entries and dates in the top post, as a guide for the ones like this that are below the comments. Thanks.
quote:Meredith, would it be possible to put a list of entries and dates in the top post, as a guide for the ones like this that are below the comments. Thanks.
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Shimiqua's query for FUNNY TRAGIC CRAZY MAGIC:
quote:Dear Laura Rennert,
Before, Strike "Before" Larissa Alvarez only cared cares about magic because it could can make her look thinner. This introduction doesn’t make me see Larissa as a YA character. Then , until her parents died die and left leave her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being . Being thin doesn't help you pay bills. “Clear up acne” would help establish her age. You’re trying to maintain a light, humorous tone. If that’s the tone of the book, you absolutely should. The problem is, paying the bills just doesn’t seem like very high stakes and not something that a YA reader would be interested in.
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls. I'm not sure I'd use ellipses in a query. Even now, I’m not sure that the stakes are really high enough. I’m sure they are in the book, but I don’t see it here. What does Larissa find herself in the middle of, now that Mom and Dad are gone? Was she even aware of the war before that?
If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. I'd leave the name out. Grandmothers don't sound very scary. The only way she can do that is Strike the beginning of this sentence. "She'll need to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But Strike but. "What she doesn’t know yet Strike yet. "is that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason. This war sounds like much higher stakes. What does Joe’s side want that her parents were willing to die to prevent?
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words 70,000-word YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
NAME
phone email Mailing address
Good start. Raise the stakes. It was something more than the stress of trying to pay the bills that landed her in the mental hospital of your first 13. That needs to be here.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
quote:Dear Agent, Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart. The problem I have with this is that I’m not sure someone who operates gladiatorial combat is a character I’m going to care about.
A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, I’m not sure, here, but I don’t think I’d put this in single quotes. this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning throwing into question all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show. Is Owyn the main character, or Snowflake? You’ve spent about four times as much space describing Snowflake as you have Owyn.
The Empire despises beastlings rather than throw in three unfamiliar terms (Rarruhirr, Beast Folk, and beastlings), I’d stick to just one in the query, probably beastlings. and so does Owyn but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire admiring him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. From the above, you’ve established a second-world fantasy, not an urban fantasy (taking place in our world) I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
The main problem I have with this is that I feel like you’ve spent the entire query setting up the premise (admittedly very cool) and I still don’t know what the story is about other than gladiators. One way to look at a query is that it should answer three questions: Who is the main character (and why should we care about him)? What problem do they face?/What choice do they have to make? What are the consequences/stakes? I barely got a sense of the main character (assuming it’s Owyn, not Snowflake). I don’t see a problem with real stakes or consequences in the query, just a puzzle.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
I put an early (very poor) draft (as a short) up for critique on critters, back when you were a regular there (at least, your name comes up in the emails I have from the critiques as having a story on the same list when it was up for critique). That part became the start of what is now a 20000 word story, which I tried, unsuccessfully to cut for WOTF last year. There are still a number of changes I need to make, so I will see if it really gets some wings for a novel or not. I was really just using it for the exercise here. Ironically, it came up to critique at critters on Christmas week, during which the boxing day tsunami occurred in the Indian Ocean.
Correction: Your "Life Sacrifice" came up for critique about six weeks before this one.
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited December 20, 2010).]
quote:Dear Agent, ‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter. A tag line isn’t always the best way to start a query. This one may work, but you’ll need to make a better transition from it to the rest of the query. Right now, it’s kind of a bumpy ride.
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont suspect this needs another hyphen induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien. That first line makes me assume that Omar killed them.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves loved (If she’s dead, this is one place where I think I’d used past tense. Present tense feels a little creepy.), Alice. Did he kill them, too? The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers of the disabled ship (otherwise, it sounds like the passengers are disabled) are unaccountably missing.
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet to him in the security office three decks above. See, I’m thinking Omar is the killer. Does he really WANT to meet with the security officer? All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. Too many hims and hes. I’m getting confused. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s passengers’ backs. They weren’t very missing, then, were they?
Actually, I question the need for the whole paragraph above. It feels like an aside, setting up the situation, but not necessarily leading us to the choice Omar has to make and its consequences.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge. Strike this paragraph.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, Is this different than the parasites above? If so, we may need the information a little sooner. has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities humanity’s role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict. Doesn’t seem like much of a choice. Lose the last few hours or days of memory when he found his friends and his love dead (might even WANT that) or possibly betray all humanity. Let me think . . . Up the conflict and the consequences of the choice. I’m sure there’s a reason why the first option would be bad, but I’m not getting it from the query.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your his thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you can he know the decision is you’re his own? Don’t slip into second person. SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.
Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
Mainly, I think you’re spending too many words on setting up the situation and the danger, not enough on what Omar is going to have to do--his choice and the consequences of the choice. One agent (Kristin Nelson) says that you don’t have to try to summarize the whole book in the query, just the first 30 to 50 pages, up to the inciting incident. I’m pretty sure all of that isn’t in the first 50 pages.
Dear Agent: should that be a colon, or would a comma be better? Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages. This paragraph has some cool information, but I think it would be stronger if you could change the word dangerous to something more specific. Dangerous seems vague, violent tornadoes composed of the ashes of dead mages,(or whatever) seems stronger.
Or so everyone believes I see you are connecting the first sentence to this second paragraph, but I feel it doesn't flow smoothly, does that make sense? Could you maybe start with the storms and the setting and then put Rell in there?until a freak mage storm Freak seems like a very modern term, could you say unexpected infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. This last sentence has issues. I think if you switch the placement of the word down, hmmm... that's probably just me being nit picky. This would be a good sentence to add more character development. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.this sentence seems vague, could you give clearer examples, how does he learn magic isn't dead, and what would real help do if he found it
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be Strikean overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, this feels passive, could you say, maybe, after a difficult escape, or something stronger Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way< ditch to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily. cliche, could you say more about Trav's motivation, like because Trav doesn't let anyone he owns, or who's seen him, or something else and then ditch the "get away that easily", for something like, leave with his eyes, or leave with his life. Something
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
For me this query seems cool, great setting, interesting ideas... I am missing, however, what makes Rell worth investing in. What makes him special, what makes him different, what makes him human? How old is he? I think one clear sentence mentioning his age, mentioning his feelings, would go a long way to making this feel more middle grade.
Kaya V. Settlemen's Just Kaya right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak her planet. Three unusual names thrown in in the very first sentence. Ouch. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had is long gone.
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Right here, I’ve got a sense of the character, why I should like her, what her problem is, and the choice she’s going to make. I think the next two paragraphs You might go a little further, to introduce the antagonist, but I don’t think you need everything that’s in the next two paragraphs. Use the space to provide some more interesting details about this world, the veroon, and Kaya.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. I would strike everything after trickery.Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead including me. How did she survive the piranha bugs? No, don’t answer that in the query, but also don’t put in the sentence that begs the question., the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. Strike everything after Tarek's hands. Who’s in charge that anyone could mutiny against? These last sentences leave so many questions they make the query feel incomplete. You want to leave the agent wanting more, but also feeling like the manuscript will have the answers. Save this material for the synopsis. Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected. Strike this whole paragraph.
Sandfishing SANDFISHING (all caps) is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
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As I prepared to give the querries a go, I realized this is more than just critiquing a query. I wanted to act as if I am in fact an editor and I'm looking for interesting pieces of fiction. So I did them all in one go, trying best to imitiate the fact the editor must read 50 of these a day.
I tried to become the editor, going through the slushpile. You can practically feel me becoming more and more cranky and sarcastic. I hope nobody will take the comments too personally. This is the editor speaking, not me. While don't wish to offend anyone here, I believe editors don't care about that.
Meredith: Mage Storm (Good title though I couldn't keep thinking that there will be raining mages or something. Somehow Mage is too short a word before storm. Something longer would sound better.
quote: Dear Agent:
Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that's left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.(Storms out of dead mages ashes. I like the idea.)
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can't control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger (Somehow burning down the barn seems a bit cliche.), Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn't as dead as people think and real help isn't as easy to find as Rell hoped. (At first I thought Rell was a woman. I learn otherwise here in paragraph 2.)
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. (Goes to find someone who will teach him how to control himself. A classic opening but I like it.) After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav's list. Forced to flee, Rell can't forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others. (Very good. His future teacher becomes his assailant. A nice twist.)
That is, if Trav doesn't catch him first, because Trav doesn't let anyone get away that easily. (In general, I like the premise and would like to read the entire thing, though I fear the story will be too YA oriented for my taste. It certainly promises danger and excitement but I fear it would be mostly running around.)
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 20, 2010).]
A little unfair to have to critique the query for this right now, when I’m in the middle of the novel itself. (About two-thirds done, if you're wondering. )
quote:Dear Agent,
In a world where magic had once has been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. Actually, I'd strike the whole first sentence and start with Norise. (Advice I might have to take myself for my query ) The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school.
There is a major problem: women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.
She finds that wizards are after the her power and she must flee school with her roomate roommate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company.
Instead of these two paragraphs, consider: There are a couple of problems, though. Women can't remember spells, so the magic is useless to her and the wizards are after her power. Norise just wants to be rid of the magic, but to survive, she must flee the school and try to reach the Master Mage's Tower. She sets out with her roommate and an apprentice wizard as companions. As they travel, their group grows to include a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman.
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life. Add some detail to this. Build up the consequences of her choice a little more. What is likely to happen if the wizards catch her? What stands in her way of getting to the Master Mage’s Tower?
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. You don’t need to go all the way to the end in the query, just to the decision and consequences.
The Reluctant Mage THE RELUCTANT MAGE (all caps) is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate (They already know that.) Thank you for your consideration.
Yours truly,
Me.
Cloud is such an interesting part of your world-building that I might be tempted to give him a sentence all to himself.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner (Magic to make her look thinner. A great use of magic!). But that was before her parents died, and now she's left alone in a world of magic and danger she doesn't understand. (Becoming an orphan: a bit overdone for my taste.)
Her only hope to survive is to steal her mother's notebook from the Grandmothers (Stealing a book from Grandmothers? This is beginning to sound like a family of superheroes.) with the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn't know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy. Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC (The title is way too complicated. I spent too much time trying to make sense of it. Are these four adjectives or something else?) is a complete 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever Meredith put in hers] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
(Second query: it sounds like something out of the X men. It promises nothing new.)
posted
Osiris: SYMBIOSIS (Osiris: good, simple title. I'm willing to give it a try.)
quote:Dear Agent,
'My symbiont made me do it' may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it's no laughing matter.(Sounds too much like a commercial and from the looks of things I think you know that. I would hesitate to continue.)
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state (What is that? I don't get it and I'm not sure I want to know.) in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship's passengers are unaccountably missing. (Too many characters and not enough information about them. Just say 'other people on the ship'.)
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress's security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger's backs.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship's passenger lounge.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him - have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?
(Only the last two paragraphs get my interest. The rest just feels like infodump.)
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within. Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
posted
genevive42: SANDFISHING (Interesting title. I am curious.)
quote:Dear Agent:
Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone.(I like the first paragraph. It describes the basic setting.)
Then MightyCorp (MightyCorp? Sounds like an evil corporation from a cartoon.)buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet (An interesting way to change the circumstances.). Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. (A street kid paying rent? I imagined we are talking about homeless people.) Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews.
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected.
(As soon as you start talking about a government sponsored contest, I think about the Hunger Games. Everything from then on confirms this suspicion.)
Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
posted
snapper: Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (Ok, the title itself is a rip-off. I would toss this in a moment.)
quote:Dear Agent,
I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. (That's for me to decide. You're patronizing me and I don't like that. This is going straight into the bin.)I'm sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one. (Beginning by talking about yourself. I don't know you so what's the point?)
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it's stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn't tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise's first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn't. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.
The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash's old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash's pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo.
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.
Thank you for your time.
(I'm simply not the right address for this because I don't like anime and I never watch them. Find someone else.)
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