My apologises, everyone. My plate has been full. I will likely not be participating in the next round. Hope this helps.First let me thank Brendan for posting this template, made my job easier. Second Meredith deserves credit for a challenge that received a big response. Finally MartinV deserves my appreciation for the link in Open Discussions About Writing
http://www.jmtohline.com/2010/12/biggest-mistakes-writers-make-when.html
My query submission would have looked a lot different if I read it first. Of course my idea is a lot different than everyone else’s, but many of my assumptions were clearly wrong. Such as propping up my credits and mentioning sequels – big mistakes in the link mentioned above. I will say based on some of the critiques I received that I would have done my research on the correct agents to pitch this idea to, and I assumed everyone would have exercised a suspension of personal taste (i.e. you were the agent I was after) for this challenge.
I am going to pretend I know a lot more about book marketing and publishing than I do for my critiques. I am using JM Tohline’s essay and basing most of my opinions on this comment from a literary agent.
quote:
Because agents get so many queries and can only read a few projects out of the hundreds we are forced to choose between every week, it's important that your story distinguish itself from other offerings in the market.
…and using these comment as my criteria on what makes a story distinguishable from the rest…
quote:
….an author needs to grab them with a concise, punchy, hard-boiled query.
quote:
Don't blend in with everyone else; stand out from the pack!
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Any good writer knows the importance of "showing" rather than "telling" in their writing, but how about extending that to a query letter?
Forgive me if I step on your toes.
Meredith, MAGE STORM
Critique:
quote:
Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.
May I suggest combining and simplify. You use ‘mage’ 3 times.
Rell lives in a world where mage storms, ashes of the magically gifted left over from the Great Mage War, ravage the land.
quote:
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
I think you can condense this as well. Make it more ‘punchy’.Rell is caught in one of the storms where he struck with a power he cannot control. He soon discovers magic isn’t dead as he and others believed after he nearly burns down a barn in a moment of anger. He leaves home in search of help but soon learns finding isn’t as easy as he hoped.
Editors Take: The plot, naïve lad who discovers he is much more than an ordinary nobody, is one I have seen before (Star Wars is one that came to mind). I found the brief synopsis concise but the writer’s skill is not standing out. The story does not seem original enough and the author has not made a convincing case for its marketability. I would be hard pressed to want to read the attachment based on this example.
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC
Critique:
quote:
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. Then her parents died and left her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being thin doesn't help you pay bills.
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls.
These first two paragraphs are great. Gives me a great idea on what the protagonist is like, a good idea what to expect with the tone of the piece, and reasonable expectation of what the plot is about. You are winning me over at this point.
quote:
If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason.
Then you kind of blew it here. This paragraph gets too cute, things like… If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?). and… then she’s got to try to has me concerned if I’ll be seeing passive, amateurish passages like this throughout the novel. And last… and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason is reading corny and makes me believe I had it wrong what the author was after with the first two paragraphs.
I think the cuteness of the last paragraph is misplaced for a query. It fails on the [I[concise[/I] requirement for queries. Rewrite that paragraph and keep it in line with what you wrote with the first two and I think you’ll have a good shot at getting the agent curious.
Editors Take: This idea points to where the trends are leading to in today’s market. It has that ‘Charmed’ feeling to it, 90210 with a touch of magic. I’m tempted to open the attachment. If the author’s story is as fun and funny as this query hints, I may be able to work with it.
MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE
Critique: This query is concise, punchy, and hard-boiled. The author’s ability to make his brief synopsis sound full of action with characters that are interesting gives me hope that he may have something here. I suggest a few changes in your wording…
Consider cutting, Before he can figure out what is going on,
the more he cannot help himself to admire him.
I’d change ‘himself’ to ‘but’.
yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak.
Consider cutting ‘he’ and inserting a comma in its place.
Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth.
‘like a blood hound’ made me think Owyn was part Beast Folk for a moment, you might want to change that. Consider changing ‘he has figured out the truth’ to ‘he has found the truth’. ‘figured out’ sounds off.
Maybe I’m wrong but this query felt if it was missing a few commas.
Editors Take: Promising but I’m unsure if it’s enough. The term ‘Beast Folk’ gives me pause, it sounds too much like a knock off idea, whether that is accurate or not. I’m envisioning a cool book cover (which is a plus) but I’m just not sure if this idea will stand out enough to give it a chance. I’m going to think about it as I read through this big pile. If it still sticks with me I just might give your attachment a try.
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS
Critique: he’d decided who would live or die from among the war wounded
Consider changing ‘from the war wounded’ to ‘on the battlefield’.
a decision to eclipse all those before is thrust upon him.
Not a fan of this line. I had to read it twice. It felt like false excitement, as if a ‘Duh, duh, DUH!’ sound effect would be placed here.
The rewrite is heads and tails better than your first try. I would consider cutting back that first paragraph, it seemed like unnecessary info for a query.
Editors Take: Not sure if would pursue further than this letter. The author is trying to sell it too hard. I am having a hard time determining if this is man vs secret alien body-snatcher epic or a buddy story involving a guy and his intelligent tapeworm.
Genevive42, SANDFISHING
Critique: Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers
Change ‘somewhere’ to where.
and any money her family had long gone
had is long gone (you could instead cut this half of the sentence)
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet.
You could cut this and the paragraph before this. The story is about sandfishing so the first paragraph is just backstory. IMO, it’s not needed for this query.
Editors Take: Not sure if there is enough here to pique my interest. The author hinted at a larger story but left no clue on what it may be. As it is, a trapping contest, even if it involves alien vermin, leaves me doubting whether a 90,000 word story will be compelling enough to attract readers.
Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE
Critique: The major problem for me on this is clarity. Are wizards different from mages? The wording of the piece alludes that woman are not bright enough to perform magic. Whether that is your intention or not, it makes the premise sound sexist to me. Not very marketable in today’s environment.
Editors Take: Or may or may not have something interesting here. The way you worded your synopsis leaves me concerned. I suggest a rewrite. As it is, it is not drawing me in.
Axeminister: SUNDAY KILLER
Critique: Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent.
This threw me for a loop. A long-dead friend has been his assistant and companion? Is he a ghost? If so you better say so. If not you better fix it. The last sentence of your synopsis is missing a question mark.
Editors Take: I’m passing because I have no idea what Argyle’s dead friend is. Is this a ghost story, a man with multiple personality’s, or flashback? The fact I don’t know leaves me wondering if I’ll run into similar problems reading the novel. Clarify and send back.
MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
Critique: The period of the first sentence should be a comma.
A career of a surgeon
This sounds like a medieval setting. Perhaps ‘healer’ would be better.
protecting people from the sea marauders
protecting his people?
Editors Take: Let me get this straight. Enniorhon switches professions for…what? Revenge? Career opportunities? Even in the iron age, a doctor would be more valuable than a mercenary. Killers are common, healers are rare. I might, just might, peek at your attachment. More out of curiosity of your premise than anything else. I am doubting the marketability of your piece but who knows? Maybe the trends of historical fiction will swing this way.
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Critique: , begins a romance with a human, finds new friends
Change this to …‘romance, friends’…
Editors Take: It is your dumb luck to find the one agent who isn’t sure what a ‘Fey’ is. Assuming that I do, your pitch isn’t exciting me BUT it is clear and I have a solid idea what your novel is about. For that reason I will open your attachment, but if your writing is anything like your pitch, I’m going to send you a ‘thanks but no’ email really quick. So I guess you did your job.
MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT
Critique: The query is clean but bland. The pitch sounds like a Frankenstein meets 90210 comparison. Much was made about Maximilian when he sounds like the least interesting of the bunch.
Editors Take: The story sounds more like a romance with a sci-fi angle. The sci-fi doesn’t sound appealing enough to snag readers of that genre but its prominent enough to turn away romance lovers. There isn’t enough conflict to entice me. Sorry, I’m passing.
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
Critique: at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie
Cut that comma
Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out
clunky
Throw in twin ponds with a waterfall that switches as the tide pours in and out
witch’s clutches hard
is harder…
A lot of stuff needs improvement. I may quit halfway through this pitch because of it.
Editors Take: I don’t know. Sounds too familiar. I can sense some excitement but I would likely pass because there lacks originality and because I have fifty more pitches to get through.
Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS
Critique: The opening of your pitch sounds cocky. Even if I am looking for that future ‘surfer saves the world’ piece, I might not want to admit it to you after that first paragraph.
The ‘wrath’ boggles me. It’s a computer virus infecting his protective suit? Why not get a new one? Hopefully the suit has a warranty.
Editor’s Take: Maybe if this author sold other plausible-futuristic fiction to prove he can write semi-hard science fiction material (and reference where I can find said works), I might be willing to open his attachment, if I liked his other stuff that is. For a first time publication, I am doubting the marketability, and plausibility, of this story.
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
Critique: It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane.
I would cut ‘entirely’ from the sentence but more importantly could you give an example or two of her insanity? It may require another sentence but I believe it could help your pitch. A very good reason to ‘show’ rather than ‘tell’.
Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen
Did you mean ‘looking for the future queen’?
he just has to be the first
perhaps, ‘he has to be the first to find her’.
yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known.
I’d cut, ‘not of dunes and sand, but…’
Consider rearranging the information in your pitch. I would start by introducing Pearl. Describing how she dreams of endless waves and of a royal father when she has lived a life as a peasant. Then tell of the other players and the conspiracies of trying to get her.
Editors Take: I like this idea. I think the title is clever too. Not sure if it excites me enough to cut a contract but I would likely peek at your attachment.
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
Critique: I have nothing to add
Editors Take: I will do the best I can with this but it won’t be easy because I have already read an earlier draft of this novel. Pretending I haven’t read it, I’m finding it intriguing and worth looking.
Here are two quotes from Ms. Tohline’s essay that speaks volumes…
quote:
Here are Daniel Lazar's thoughts on querying: I think the best query letters are specific and evocative – not loaded down with too much boring detail, but just enough detail (little touches of description or turns of phrase) that show the letter is crafted by a real writer.
This one says it all.
quote:
An agent's first peek at the quality of the writing comes from the query letter... A query letter should be a tease – a taste for more to come.
There is a difference between pitching a novel to an agent than a publisher. Agents are people you are selling your novel and you, the author, to them. Convince an agent that you can write a novel that will sell and you’ll likely not need to make a pitch like this again. That’s why, I believe, you should put more than a this is what my novel is about. You have previous sales? Mention them. Proving you could sell your own stuff without help can only be a plus. In the essay, blogs and how they should be used is mentioned. That may be a great place to highlight your accomplishments and provide a small glimpse of your writing. Anything that will help reinforce your skill as a writer (SFWA membership, contest placements, critique groups – like hatrack) should not be left out. They will show your commitment to improvement and also show how serious you are.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 09, 2011).]