quote:Dear Agent: Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Version 2:
quote:Dear Agent:
The only traces of magic left in Rell's world are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms made up of the ashes of the magic-wielders killed in the great war.
Or so Rell believes until a mage storm infects him with magic he can’t control. The magic ebbs and flows with his emotions, protecting those he cares about one day and starting fires the next. Fire in particular comes with anger and his big brother has always had a knack for getting under Rell's skin. His only hope of returning to a normal life is to find someone who can help him learn to control the magic.
He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and genuine help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
Rell follows rumors of a teacher, but what he finds in Trav is a cult leader. When Rell witnesses the death of another student, he realizes Trav is killing off anyone capable of really learning magic--and he's next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone with real magic live long enough to challenge him.
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy, potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.
Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart.
A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.
The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
First I would like to write down the main things people complained about. 1. Somebody disliked the name Owyn so I changed it to Elgen. In truth Owyn was a borrowed name (this story did start as a fan fiction). I’m still in the process of replacing borrowed words with my own creations. 2. More about Owyn(Elgen) himself, less about Snowflake. 3. No quotes for Kitty. Use fewer names for him. I chose only Snowflake and beastlings for the species. 4. It's not urban fantasy. I took the definitions off this web page: http://www.sfsite.com/columns/amy26.htm. Urban fantasy seemed the most obvious one. 5. More about the stakes of the story.
Version 2 (277 words)
quote: Dear Agent,
Elgen became the Arena master when gladiator fights are no longer popular. The amphitheater is crumbling down and most of Elgen's fighters were killed during the Invasion that broke the Empire's backbone. The Arena’s Grand Champion thirsts for battle Elgen cannot provide. A local crime lord wants to put the Arena out of its misery and tear it down.
Elgen is nearly broke. It might not be long before he joins the countless beggars that roam the Imperial City. Too old to make a new start, too stubborn to admit defeat, he fills the Arena with thieves and drunkards, determined to make fighters of them no matter the cost.
That is when Snowflake approaches. Since Elgen desperately needs anyone he can get his hands on, he is willing to swallow his hatred for beastlings. But Snowflake is much more than any beastling Elgen ever met. The huge cat-man single-handedly brings gladiators back into favor of City’s crowds. As Snowflake climbs the Arena’s ladder of fame, Elgen realizes that the nemesis his Grand Champion craves for has finally appeared.
Rules are discarded as the spectacle lures in fresh champions. Despite the success, Elgen cannot help but suspect Snowflake's motives. The beastling takes no joy in battle, shuns all praise and discards any payment. There must be another reason he's come. Slowly, Elgen begins to understand that his Arena has become a battlefield for a new kind of war. And the prize Snowflake came for? Elgen's Grand Champion.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word second-world fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited January 07, 2011).]
---------------- VERSION 1 (OLD QUERY, ~270 words) ----------------
Dear Agent,
‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter.
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers are unaccountably missing.
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s backs.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within. Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
---------------- VERSION 2 (REVISED QUERY, ~270 words) ----------------
Dear Agent,
Doctor Omar Ajami is no stranger to hard choices. In United Korea, he’d decided who would live or die from among the war wounded. As an ER surgeon, he’d been forced to choose between violating the ethical codes of his profession in order to save his fiancée’s brother, or losing precious minutes waiting for another surgeon to come and operate. His choice had proven to be a fatal one.
Aboard the cruise ship Royal Empress, he’d traded hard choices and cold corpses for sandy beaches and smooth sailing. Yet when a race of sentient symbiotic aliens - one of which takes Omar as his host - invade the Royal Empress, a decision to eclipse all those before is thrust upon him.
Node, his symbiont, can wipe his recent memory and allow him to return to the easy life on the Caribbean to remain blissfully ignorant of the Symbiont race, or he can sacrifice his very genetic code to the aliens to become the first of a new mankind. A new species that - in the service of the Symbionts – will chart humanity’s role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that promises more death than he has seen in his lifetime.
But when Omar discovers that Node is capable of influencing or even controlling his emotions, senses, and thoughts, how can he be sure he the decision will be his own?
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] hard science fiction novel informed by degrees in psychology and neuroscience as well as a career in genetics. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within. Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
Version 1 Dear Awesome Agent, Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. But that was before her parents died, and now she's left alone in a world of magic and danger she doesn't understand.
Her only hope to survive is to steal her mother’s notebook from the Grandmothers with the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy. Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC is a complete 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever Meredith put in hers] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC: (121 word query)
********
QUERY Most commented on,(232 words)
Dear Laura Rennert,
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. Then her parents died and left her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being thin doesn't help you pay bills. But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls. If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website. Thank you for your consideration. NAME
phone email Mailing address
Revised query after comments.(243 words)**********
Dear.....,
If you could change everything you don't like about yourself, then does that mean everything about you is wrong? FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is the un(TRUE) story of Larissa Alvarez, a sixteen-year-old girl who only cares about magic because it can make her look thinner.
Her mother owns the last surviving copy of the Killing Runes, powerful runes fought over for centuries. When the Grandfathers set a trap to steal the Killing Runes, they destroy everyone in Larissa's family, except Larissa. As only sophomore invited to a very important party, she refuses to flee with her family, or stay home to watch her five-year-old sister.
With her family gone, and the guilt of her little sister's death on her shoulders, Larissa vows to steal her mother's notebook back, no matter the cost. She finds an ally in the boy with no boundaries, Joe Penrod, a lost mage who knows less about magic then she does, and finally becomes the witch her mother always wanted her to be, just too late for her mother to see.
Along the way, she realizes that her new ally Joe is an unknowing tool of the men who killed her family, and that by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy.
Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a complete 70,000 word YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [...] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration,
Sheena Boekweg
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited January 11, 2011).]
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life. After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change. Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel. Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett
NEW VERSION: 153 words
Dear Mr. Hamilburg
One morning Kerra Bedrosian answers a phone call. The caller says ÒYour life will be Bright Lights and Chaos...the children need you...for you are more than you think.Ó Used to being considered just a ÒhalfieÓ- half fey(for those who donÕt know- fairy) and half human- who is just trying to make a living working as a radio DJ, she is confused by the prophecy. The next day her life becomes increasingly more complicated as a series of escalating dangerous situations begins. It ends when she goes after a very powerful Fey Lord to free a group of children he wants to change into servants and wenches. Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins an unwanted romance, finds new friends, allies and enemies. Finally Kerra finds out that she really is more than she thought she was. Included with this letter my contact information and the other stuff you said you wanted.
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue.
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle. Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.
THE SUNDAY KILLER is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly, Real Name
------------------------- REVISED ENTRY 194 words
Dear Agent
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer emerges near precinct thirteen.
Lisa Abernathy, several months from graduating NYU’s psychology program is nevertheless recruited by the precinct’s captain to surreptitiously diagnose his star detective, Robert Argyle.
By using subterfuge and verbal dexterity, Lisa uncovers Argyle's deepest secret. He claims to hear the voice of a long dead friend who he believes helps his investigations. The voice that suddenly went silent when the murders began.
Lisa soon finds herself thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another with her knack for detective work soon outweighing her therapeutic efforts on the impassive Argyle.
However, as the murders continue, signs begin to point to Detective Argyle and the trust he once held breaks down. Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either brilliant or mad.
Trapped between the facts and her instincts, Lisa knows the only solution to the case is to discover the true nature of the detective. With time running out, she must determine if Robert Argyle is the killer, or the cure.
THE SUNDAY KILLER is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
Yours Truly Real Name
[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited January 10, 2011).]
Well first off I want to thank everyone for all their great thoughts. I tried to tweak it a little, and go into more of Anlin's personal struggle, which is the heart of the story. As far as being generic fantasy or, and Ouch!, D&D, well not a lot I can do there at this point, I would like to add a little about the magic of the world but every time I do, it bogs down and that is not indicative of my writing.
Version 1
quote: Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Revised Version
quote: Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight evil. But when ten-year Roselyn summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith, for the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. Anlin storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever, the life-force of the dragon in his shield his only ally. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. This time though, the bottle grants him no peace, for Roselyn is just a pawn, the sacrifice needed to summon him, and the real reason he is here, is to capture the Shield of The Five from Trevain. In the hands of a Knights Valor the demons from the shield could heal the world, but in the hands of Trevain they are a nightmare of death. Trevain will stop nothing to restore his father's once hallowed legacy, and unleashes the demons to slay the knight of last salvation. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited January 10, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited January 10, 2011).]
Again, thank you all for your comments. This story was only about half written when I wrote the first query, and just now a finished first draft, so that could have led to some of my problems. I tried to take everyones advice.
A couple points, Ravens over history are evil birds, associated with death, very closely along with crows, just bigger.
Pan, no he is not Peter Pan but he is a boy who fondly remembers being read Peter Pan so when he realizes he doesn't age, calls himself Pan, a much tougher name than Peter Pan, and nicknames the bad ones "Lost Boys".
Which brings me to the title, I agree should probably be changed, although after research really only found that Vampire movie with the title(one of my favorites). But for this challenge I will leave the title as is, although I am open to suggestions.
Version 1
quote: Dear Mr. My Agent,
From the moment Michael stepped out of the car at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie, he knew his summer would be magical. Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else. But that was good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped in a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair.
Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions, Michael enlists the help of Chrissie. Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens haunt their trail and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.
With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch’s clutches hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
Revised Version
quote: Dear Mr. My Agent,
When fourteen-year old Michael sees his friend trapped in a painting at the local art fair, he gets help from the only one who believes him: Chrissie, the troubled girl from the wrong side of town.
Stealing paint and canvas from the street vendor, they paint themselves into the picture. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, filled with unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens patrol the skies, the black birds of death tracking their every move, and shadows leak into life as the witch’s darkest minions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.
With the aid of Pan, an older boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch and discovering the magic to paint their way home, hard. But telling Chrissie how he feels: the hardest of all. He has to though, and soon, for every day in the witch’s world she sinks deeper into depression as the witch feeds on her greatest fear: her belief that no one cares. Already the shadows have begun to bleed into her flesh, marking her final ascension into one of the Lost Boys, the ones who have lost all hope…the ones who can never go home.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited January 10, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited January 10, 2011).]
The revised version is much better. This line hooked me, "Fire in particular comes with anger and his big brother has always had a knack for getting under Rell's skin." It gives me a good feel for his age, and character. Amazing what the word big can do. There were a few missed comma's. You might want to look into that, but other than that, no issue's from me.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE
The revised query is different, and in a lot of ways better. My only issue is the first paragraph doesn't flow. The sentences seem disjointed. Particularly,"A local crime lord wants to put the Arena out of its misery and tear it down." That kind of came out of nowhere for me, and didn't seem to matter to the plot. Also I would like to know who invaded. Was it the beastlings? mention those little details, for me will add clarity.
SYMBIOSIS
[bowing][/bowing] There you go. So much clarity, so much more information. My only nit, is that there isn't really a chance for a happy ever after hinted towards. Now I don't think every story has to end happily, but I do think there needs to be hope. I would suggest adding to the end of the sentence than he has seen in his lifetime, but could be the only hope for humanities survival, or something less cliche, but that gives that general feel. Feel free to email me, if that didn't make any sense. Well done. Love this line,"he’d traded hard choices and cold corpses for sandy beaches and smooth sailing." The rhythmic pacing of that sentence speaks very well for the quality of the manuscript.
BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
I like the original better. This line "( for those who don't know- fairy) comes off really condescending to me, and makes me think that you didn't research your agents very well, and if I was an agent who would be interested in your kind of book, I promise you I would know what fey meant. I would stop reading there. This line " ...increasingly more complicated as a series of escalating dangerous situations begins" is so vague, and tells me nothing of the awesome story you've been writing, why not give a few concrete examples. I would also ditch the "and the other stuff you said you wanted" comes off really unprofessional, in my opinion.
THE SUNDAY KILLER Better, definitely better. You still have enough words to tell us a bit more information. I would like to see a concrete reason why Lisa is recruited, and if there isn't one in the novel, or if that is the twist, come up with a reason that will still work. Is she the precinct captains niece, is she this brilliant star student, the precinct can afford because of budget cuts. Is she the daughter of the state appointed Shrink who usually would be called in, but her mother is having a nervous break down? Anything, I'd buy. But there has to be a reason. IMhO. This line " signs begin to point to Detective Argyle and the trust he once held breaks down" could be clearer. This "Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle." is clear.
MOTHER OF PEARL I like the second version better. I like how you focused on one characters goals. This is my kind of story, and would definitely keep reading, and probably ask for more. I do like the original first line better. It flows better, just comes across stronger. But the more I read it, the more I like it. Okay. I am officially on the fence regarding the new first line. Good work.
KNIGHTS VALOR Nice. I liked the first version, but this gives a lot more information. Well done.
THE LOST BOYS The second version gives me a strong sense of pathos toward Chrissie. I think it is definitely better. My only nit, is this line "the troubled girl from the wrong side of town" If you ditched the cliche and added clarity, it would strengthen the oh so important first line.
******
I'm not going to vote until I know for sure that voting on revisions is closed, but if I did... right now,
quote:MAGE STORM The revised version is much better. This line hooked me, "Fire in particular comes with anger and his big brother has always had a knack for getting under Rell's skin." It gives me a good feel for his age, and character. Amazing what the word big can do. There were a few missed comma's. You might want to look into that, but other than that, no issue's from me.
Oops, Sheena. THat's one of the lines that got cut out of the most recent version.
It was deemed redundant.
I like it, too, though. You never know. It might make a reappearance.
Current version:
quote:Dear Agent: The only traces of magic left in Rell's world are the violent, semi-sentient mage storms made up of the ashes of the magic-wielders killed in the great war.
At least that's what Rell believes until a mage storm infects him with magic he can’t control. The magic ebbs and flows with his emotions, protecting those he cares about one day and starting fires the next. His only hope of returning to a normal life is to find someone who can help him learn to either control the magic or get rid of it.
Rell follows rumors of a teacher but instead finds a cult leader, Trav. When Rell witnesses the death of another student, he realizes he's next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. Somehow, he has to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone with real magic live long enough to challenge him.
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy and potentially the first of a series. I have enclosed a synopsis and the first five pages per the instructions on your website.
But that note about what a fey is was for you guys not the agent. I tried to phrase it to make it sound like I was talking to a bunch of readers but obviously I failed. Maybe I should have colored it.
posted
Thanks Meredith and Shimiqua I like to think of myself as a fast learner.
Perhaps we should wait until everyone has posted their revisions before voting though? Also, when we do vote, its most improved and also 1st, 2nd and 3rd place? Thats what I thought the original thread said.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited January 12, 2011).]
Not sure about voting but I like Martin's V new version the most. Meredith might be second best. shimiqua's isn't bad either. Actually I think everyone has improved. And from what two people have stated that includes mine..somewhat.
quote: So do we post the critiques for the revised queries as well or just vote about them?
If you want. Critiquing the revisions was not a requirement. Then again, if this is going to turn into more of a workshop, that would be a good idea. I'm planning on doing more thorough critiques in the next day or two.
Side note: I will not do a revised version for my other query (Purest Sword). I have not yet begun writing this story so I find it rather pointless to struggle with the query.
Meredith: MAGE STORM I like the first paragraph of Version 1 better. Perhaps some sentences sound a bit rough around the edges but maybe that's just me. Other than that, I find Version 2 very good even if I'm not a YA reader. Good work.
Osiris: SYMBIOSIS Up to now I thought you speak of a space ship. Mentioning the Carribean, I see this might be a real life cruise ship. The dilemma is much more fleshed out now. The only problem I see is that you still almost brag about your knowledge. I think you shouldn't force your schooling upon your editor. If he asks where this knowledge comes from, you can calmly tell him your credentials. The way you reveal some info might make an everlasting impressions on your editor, whereas if you offer it freely they might even think you're lying to get their attention. But then that's me.
shimiqua: FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC First revision: better. More detail is revealed, making the whole thing more fleshed out. Other than that, it's the same. Revides query: I would read your story. I wouldn't read it after reading the two previous versions. That says something since I don't read YA stories.
LDWriter2: BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS things are definitely clearer now. The story doesn't pull me in but the query is better. Nice job.
axeminister: THE SUNDAY KILLER Ah, this makes much more sense. Plus, I find it very interesting. I would like to read this story.
RoxyL: MOTHER OF PEARL I keep wanting to voice Dyln as Dylan but I'm not sure if that's the right way. The name causes me to stop reading and to think about the name. Some people might stop reading altogether. If I were you, I would change that name. Other than that, I like the new version a lot. It sounds like a roller coaster fast chasing adventure. That said, if the story's pace becomes too slow, you might disappoint your readers. Be careful. Good job.
Tiergan: KNIGHTS VALOR: your query still sounds too full of info. I find it confusing and somewhere in the middle I give up. My mind keeps going to the TV show The Seeker or whatever it is when I read it. Sorry but your story doesn't interest me. If this is because of the query or the story itself, I don't know.
THE LOST BOYS: better. This one caught my interest.
quote:The only problem I see is that you still almost brag about your knowledge. I think you shouldn't force your schooling upon your editor.
I'm sure opinions will vary on this, but I believe an agent will want to know about credentials if they are relevant to the creation of the work, which in this case, they are very relevant.
I wrote the credentials in passive voice deliberately to avoid coming off as bragging. And remember, this letter is going to an agent, not an editor, so credentials can give an agent confidence that they might not be wasting their time by requesting pages.
posted
I just think that you should give your agent (pardon for that mistake) the chance to find out about your professionalism from the work itself, not by advertising it. If your agent likes your story, he will ask you where is this detail from. If you say in a simple way "It's what I do for a living." I think he/she might me more impressed than if you say "Hey, I'm educated in this particular field and when I write about it you can be sure it's going to be good." That sounds like every other promise agents usually get from people.
Osiris, my friend, you do what you think it's right and damn everyone if they don't like it. All I did was speak from my own perspective.
posted
Meredith - Mage Storm This is for the very last version you posted that you sent in. Obviously it's good because you got a bite from an agent! And it is very good. Two nits: the first sentence still seems a little awkward and long. It is much improved though over the original version. Second, 'he's next on Trav's list' - if I hadn't read the original versions I'd be scratching my head a little over what list, what's Trav doing, though you explain it in the next paragraph.
MartinV - New Kind of Warfare The second paragraph is very strong, love the imagery. 'That is when Snowflake approaches,' is much weaker. Combine it w. next sentence or two. Good hook at the end. The second version much improved.
Osiris - Symbiosis Much improved. The first paragraph is still too detailed for simply background. On query shark they support people listing their unique qualifications for writing a particular story, so I think it can only strengthen your query to include your education.
Shimiqua - Funny Tragic, Crazy Manic You really got to the heart of the matter in this version and it gives me a greater sense of what's at stake. A niggle, the sentence starting 'She finds and ally in...' is very long. There are two ideas expressed: 1) she meets a boy and 2) she becomes the witch her mom always wanted her to be. I think these would be better expressed as two sentences. Nice.
LDWriter2 - Bright Lights and Chaos This is much more concise. I think for me to connect to Kerra, I need to know a little more about her. Some information added back in about her conflicted place in the world, or what would make her put herself repeatedly in danger for the kids would add some personal oomph to the query. Much improved!
Axeminister - The Sunday Killer Very nice. The focus on one character helps tighten this right up. One quick suggestion, making the sentence '...signs begin to point to Dectective Argyle (as the culprit) would clarify so a reader doesn't have to pause and think 'point to what?'
Tiergan - Knights Valor Great overall. I know the players, I know the stakes and I'm interested in their welfare. That's the recipe for a good story. The sentence, 'This time though' has too many ideas in it. A few shorter ones might add more emphasis to each concept introduced.
Tiergan - Lost Boys Alert in paragraph two: you haven't told us the witch painted his friend into the painting. She is just thrown at us out of the blue. Not sure of the word 'ascension' either. Wouldn't be descent if she's devolving into a lost boy? Overall not bad, but I think you can still do better.
This has been a great exercise. Everyone, I think, has improved so much. It makes it very hard to pick. If I had to, though, I'd say most improved is 'New Kind of Warfare' and best overall is 'Knights Valor'.
The first paragraph is backstory. I'd cut it. Put what little bits you need, like that Elgen is the master of the Arena and that gladiatorial combat is out of fashion and the bored grand champion, into the second paragraph.
I don't like the passive start of the third paragraph. Perhaps something more like "Then Snowflake appears." I'd cut the third sentence "But Snowflake is much more . . . " It's redundant.
The fourth paragraph again starts somewhat passively. I'd discard the beginning and just start with "The spectacle lures . . ."
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS:
I think you're giving a bit too much back story in the first paragraph. "As a surgeon, Doctor Omar Ajami is no stranger to hard choices." is probably sufficient.
A little transition to his position aboard the cruise ship might help, maybe just be switching the clauses around.
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC:
A lot of agents don't like queries that start with rhetorical questions.
The second paragraph uses the word "runes" three times. Can you substitute.
Break up the second sentence in the third paragraph.
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS:
You can tighten up that first paragraph, perhaps make it one sentence. And start with Kerra, not "One morning". I don't think I care what time of day the call comes, here.
I agree that you can expand just a little on what it means to be half-fey.
You need a clearer statement of what Kerra wants. You don't want it to sound like she's just being buffeted from event to event. What's she trying to do? And a clearer statement of the stakes.
I'd cut the "Along the way . . ." paragraph.
Axeminster, THE SUNDAY KILLER:
It’s much better with the focus on one of the characters. I still think you need some kind of explanation why they choose Lisa even though she's still a student or else just leave that out of the query. It's not the kind of question you want to raise.
Instead of "signs begin to point to", which is somewhat passive, try "Lisa begins to suspect".
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL:
I still feel like I don't have a good handle on exactly WHAT Dyln is until late in the paragraph. Just call him a shapeshifter from the beginning. The rest is confusing.
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR:
Check the punctuation on the second sentence in the first paragraph. Consider breaking it up for clarity.
The second paragraph, I think I'd stop after "they are a nightmare of death." You don't have to get into too much detail.
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS:
I think you need some indication that it was the witch who trapped Michael's friend in the first paragraph.
Not sure you need the detail that they stole the paint and canvas and I'm not quite sure about the ravens. They might be a valid threat in the novel, but they don't come off that threatening, here. I'd focus on the shadows and the Lost Boys. Make the Lost Boys more of a threat.
In the third paragraph, you need to specify that it's Michael who has to tell Chrissie how he feels. Right now it kind of sounds like it's Pan.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 19, 2011).]
posted
Just wanted to chime in since this is going the workshop route that I fully intend to give feedback, I'm just swamped with WoTF crits, non-WoTF crits, working on my own WoTF story, and taking care of my toddler who has a stomach bug. So I might not make the 20th deadline.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited January 19, 2011).]
quote: you don't want it to sound like she's just being buffeted from event to event. What's she trying to do?
Pardon me for asking this this way but we don't I want to sound like she is being buffeted...she is being buffeted from one to another? She's trying to figure what is going on, why her and why her life has turned topsy turvy. Which is basically all the same thing.
Hmm, don't why but I just got a flash of Rachel Crane's weather girl books. So maybe my statement about what my MC is doing wasn't so far off.
And PS they aren't really called the weather girl books but the MC can control storms and in that universe they are mean SOBs. And that is how the MC would think of them I think.
[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited January 19, 2011).]
quote:Pardon me for asking this this way but we don't I want to sound like she is being buffeted...she is being buffeted from one to another? She's trying to figure what is going on, why her and why her life has turned topsy turvy. Which is basically all the same thing.
I'm sure that works in the novel where you have pages to show Kerra making decisions about the things that happen and, perhaps, trying to set her life back on track after it's been "turned topsy turvy". (I like that line. )
But in the query you only have sentences, not pages. And it's important to show that your MC is making choices, not just having things happen to her. That she's an active character, trying to achieve some goal, not a passive character being pushed willy-nilly toward some end.
Who is the character and why should we care?
What does she want?/What choice does she have to make?
What are the stakes or consequences?
That's the core of most queries.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 20, 2011).]
posted
Hello all, Had the flu bug most of the week. Will have my thoughts in tomorrow on the re-visions.
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
alright as promised. I am by no means a professional at any of this, and these are just my thoughts. If you have any questions about my ramblings, just ask.
MAGE STORM: I like the 2nd version as well. In the second paragraph. I really like the magic ebbs and flows with his emotions. – then maybe have a sentence about the good side of magic the healing, similar to the fire that comes with his brother’s angst. In other words, I suggest showing the good side as well as you did the bad/fire side.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE: The second is better than the first in my opinion. And you are getting there. The problem I see is you have 2 main characters, and a query is very hard to pull off with both. You have Elgen, and Snowflake, but Elgen is the MC. I really thinkg it needs to be more about him.
I recommend reviewing the 3 things of a query and go from there. 3 main questions of a query 1. What does your MC / protagonist want? 2. What do they have to do to get it? Think what stands in their way. 3. What happens if they fail? The consequences.
I don’t know MartinV. Below I am quickly putting an idea. Its nowhere perfect or maybe even doesn’t help, but felt the need to try to put in writing an example of what I was attempting to say above.
To save his beloved arena which is crumbling like the Empire around him, Elgen must push prejudice aside and take on the one true fighter he can find, a beastling, he mockingly nicknames, Snowflake. The huge cat-man single handedly brings gladiators back into the city’s favor, filling the once empty arena with cries of blood and passion. Quickly Elgen’s fighter rises the Arena’s ladder of fame, driven by some unseen fever, taking no joy in battle, shuns all praise, and discards any payment. But Elgen knows for all there is a price, and a reason.
I don’t know, its may be just rambling, but I spent the time so darn it, I going to post it
SYMBIOSIS: I really like this version. So much clearer than the first. With sci-fi it can be very hard to nail a query as a lot of what the story is about is the science itself which can bog down the query. I think you have done a good job pulling in the science, but at the same time keeping the character alive. Nothing really to add here.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC: I might suggest breaking the first paragraph after the line, which I love. Although in truth I like the first paragraph as a whole. The thinner part, I don’t know but you might just want to say, because it can make her look thin. I don’t know how to explain it, but it kind of softens it, thinner as is makes me think mean girl shallow(I liked the way it pulled off in the first version though) thin makes me think, a girl who just needs a little self-confidence boost(easier to root for)
Also might lost the powerful runes, just have fought over for centuries. This paragraph could use some tightening up. She is at a party? No problem there. My problem is she refuses to flee with her family? Does she know the grandfathers are coming? If so, I don’t know, that makes for a very shallow(not likeable character). A little clarity here might help. If not, then we might need to soften it somehow, ingest some humor to pull it off.
I like the last 2 paragraphs. I think you are getting somewhere good.
BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS: Alright. You need to show the increasingly more complicated, and dangerous situations. At at least one to kick off the query/story. As it reads to me, its just dangerous things happen. Its too vague for me. And I know vague, because well, I do the same. The 3 basic things we need in a query are: 1. What does your MC / protagonist want? 2. What do they have to do to get it? Think what stands in their way. 3. What happens if they fail? The consequences.
At this point I don’t any of these. It might just be me and others may see them. I will give it another look a little later and see if I come up with anything.
THE SUNDAY KILLER:
The 2nd is definitely better and getting there. We now know who the story is about. Below is a little tightening I did. I don’t know, tonight I seem to want to tinker with everything. Its obviously just a suggestion. Lisa Abernathy, still months from graduating NYU’s psychology program is recruited by the precinct’s captain to surreptitiously diagnose his star detective, Robert Argyle. She soon uncovers Argyle's deepest secret. He hears the voice of a long dead friend who he believes helps his investigations, but the voice suddenly went silent when the murders began. The next sentence I would lose the unwillingly, I think just she finds herself thrust into, is enough for me.
Good job.
MOTHER OF PEARL: Well this is a rarity. I like the first version better than the 2nd, it read smoother. This could just be the majority of the revisions seem a touch rushed in the smooth read department. I think this is normal as we try and add the tidbits that were missing. The query starts off with Pearl, then switches pretty much completely to Dylan. I don’t know why, but I think you really need to focus on one of them, its ok to have both in the query but it should be in my belief based on one or the other, the main character. If its Pearl, then tell it through her eyes. If Dyln then through his. I get the idea, Pearl is either to be installed as a puppet or killed. Dyln seeks to save her. If its Dyln it could be as simple as: Dyln will do anything to save Pearl, the future queen, if she lives long enough. This puts Pearl more into Dyln’s storyline versus having 2 storylines which is very hard to pull off in a query.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited January 21, 2011).]
posted
Wow, Tiergan. Your query of my story actually sounds better than mine. I do find it a bit too congested with information. It's something I've been trying to avoid but maybe I was going at it wrong.
Looks like I still have much to learn what gets American agents interested.
posted
Don't worry about me, I'm content. I got Tiergan to write me an excellent query and I'll just send that one. Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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quote:Don't worry about me, I'm content. I got Tiergan to write me an excellent query and I'll just send that one.
Someone actually got something out of all my rambling?
As far as continuing, I dont know how best to go about it. I believe kdw has said we can post them in the first 13 for novels. Although it might be good to consider in the hatrack group area. Sometimes us novelists get lost in the mix with all the short stories flying around.
posted
You absolutely can post a query--the whole query--in F&F for Books. I have. It usually doesn't generate quite as much attention as this got. More of us participated here. I'm not sure how best to get that to continue--if that's what we want.
Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I saw the thread for your novel, Meredith, but I fear my own takes so much time that I didn't want to promise anything.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
Submitting process has begun. And wouldnt you know it, I screwed up the first one I emailed. Left that damn line about 1 page synopsis and first chapter included I only sent query as per instructions but left that line.
quote:Submitting process has begun. And wouldnt you know it, I screwed up the first one I emailed. Left that damn line about 1 page synopsis and first chapter included I only sent query as per instructions but left that line. Bangs head into wall.
Don't feel alone. The first few are nerve-wracking. I've made that same mistake a time or two.
posted
Not enough people voted to declare a winner. Everyone seemed to be more about the workshopping than the challenge. Which is absolutely fine with me. If anybody wants to keep going with that, that's fine, too.
Posts: 4633 | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
I would definitely want to do this again some time. I am writing only novel at this time so writing querries for works I haven't even begun writing yet would be rather strange. Then again, this is about practice so I could write a query for the present ideas I have.
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I only sent query as per instructions but left that line.
