They were going to cut off my testicles. And I do not mean figuratively.
The heavy metal doors of the Bearer's Court clanged shut behind me, blocking the raucous catcalls and laughter of the belles and matrons that followed my sentencing. The last sound I heard was the slamming of a wooden gavel, and the high-pitched voice of the Madame Judge screaming for order. Then silence, and the long corridor. From the barnyard to the boneyard, sexually speaking. This time figuratively. I'd been judged genetically deficient to the species in this post-Holocaust Aftertime. Not only would I be forbidden to breed, I would not be permitted the possibility. The poetic justice was not lost upon me.
I had been the Chief Castrator.
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The Zombie Crisis, like most great disasters, started in Real Estate. See, there was this building. Five stories high, the size of three football fields lying side by side, like an architectural orgy. Doctor Forget-his-name had to have it,‘cept nothing short of a miracle could give him it. Forget-his-name’s fortune came from scientific miracles, it must have been easy to get the building and use it for, I don’t know what. No one really knows what Forget-his-name wanted it for, same way no one really remembers what Forget-his-name's name was. We just remember him as the first one. Most of us just call him father. Every year, thousands of us make the pilgrimage to that building. Every year, not one of those thousand return. Now it's my turn.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited February 09, 2011).]
I lifted the dressing from my thigh and a nauseating stench of rot wafted out. In the dim candlelight in the cave, pus bubbled from the spear wound. Red fingers of infection clawed toward my groin like some hungry demon sliding beneath my skin. I covered the wound with the dressing and picked up the bullet, turning it between shaking fingers. It seemed like any other .445 round: a shiny brass cartridge topped with a soft lead slug. But it whispered to me--perhaps it was just the fever... It spoke of distant realms, of exotic sights and smells; if I would but forge a courage within me, it would take me there--exactly as the Chinese crone in Manilla foretold it would. I looked at the Webley pistol. Was I actually going to do this? My stomach clenched at the thought of it.
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I stared through the shimmering water at the boulder I would wedge my arm under. Don’t get me wrong, I’m terribly afraid to die, but at least I’ll be alone – finally. The thing is, I can read minds. Well, not read like in the movies where someone has a clearly delineated thought and the reader giggles at the revelation. What I’m speaking of is the cacophony of unfiltered madness each mind thinks from moment to moment. There’s the conscious thoughts, the unconscious thoughts in the background, and the yearning, the dreaming, that is happening constantly. That's the loudest of them all. I’m six years old, and I’m ready to die. State law says I must now attend a public or private school and there is no way I can survive being locked up with dozens ...
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[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited February 10, 2011).]
Screw that village and its “traditions”. Whatever happened to drawing lots? If Penelope ever got out of this situation, she would show them. The cowards were lucky to have grabbed her in her sleep or they would have had a real fight on their hands, not just the few shots to the groin she had managed.
As the rope bore into her wrists, the cleric crossed his chest and gave her a shove. She tumbled into the cave, pelting down a long series of granite steps and hitting the slimy floor with a thud. There was a pervasive stench and the only light was up ahead. The dragon snarled and the lair brightened.
Penelope freed herself with a broken stalagmite; it was over a foot long and serrated. She donned a wicked grin as she held it. This was going to be that dragon’s worst day ever.
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Rook stared at the top of the ribbed steel sewer pipe that extended into the cesspool. He ignored the murky filth splashing against the mildew-covered pipe and imagined the dock back home overlooking the tranquil waters of Lake Tacani. It was just another swim.
He removed his prison-issued boots and stepped onto the pipe. Cold slime squished between his toes and a waft of rotted waste struck him with a wave a nausea that almost knocked him into the pool. An alarm sounded and the faint shouts of guards brought immediacy to Rook's final obstacle: the tunnel. It was the only connection to the lunar surface and he had no idea how long he'd have to hold his breath.
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Her gut clenched as she peered into the black maw at her feet. She considered each step that led her here, searching without hope for a reason not to step off this cliff. Only for her baby sister would she even consider it. No, there was no mistake. This was where the bastards had taken her. The mouth of hell, the locals called it and made a sign against evil. It certainly smelled like it. She gulped down a breath and tasted sulfur. Her mind fixed on her purpose, but her muscles locked with visceral fear. She broke loose to check her harness, lines, and gear. She swayed; her knees had turned to jelly. She worked to steady her pounding pulse and recited her mantra against fear. She cast her eyes to the heavens, drank in the open sky, and prayed it wouldn’t be for the last time. Then she stepped off the edge.
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Timmy’s arm had tired from reaching up, up to hold Mama’s hand. She’d worn her best wool overcoat and the hat with the pheasant feather bobbing at the back like a tail. The determined clomp of her smartly laced boots had drowned Timmy’s reluctant shuffle. Just a cut, she’d assured him, ruffling the mop of hair as unruly as the child, a snip, a trim. He’d be a new boy when she returned. They’d stopped before the shop and she’d tucked a coin in his pocket, kissed his cheek and left to finish her errands. The open doorway loomed; Timmy scowled at the portly man beckoning with his shears. He liked himself just the way he was. Scootching sideways and turning to make his escape, he ran, instead, into the shop’s striped pole. It was wrapped with strips of red cloth, reeking of metallic gore. And as he watched, the bandages unwound like a peppermint stick unpeeled
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quote:Houston Kincaid would never again wonder if an android could scream in pain. Stumbling through the dirt tunnels far below Kilgore Forest he regretted ever leaving the surface protection of Sun Goddess. And he wished his droid friend DAB hadn't insisted on joining him.
They had kept the ill-shapen mudlock's at bay for most of the night before they were cornered. If not for the frenzy of the mudlock's, as they ripped away DAB's limbs and fed on his circuits, Houston would never have slipped away. But it was a trap--he knew he was being herded to the ancient horror below.
With death in every direction Houston stumbled over slime covered rocks and rotting roots hoping only to add a few more moments to his life.
Methos was scared. Not scared like the first time he stole an orange from the burly Southern vendor or asked a girl to let him under her skirts, but ball-shriveling, bowel-emptying terrified. One wrong move and he was going to end up dead. Or worse yet, maimed beyond recognition. That would be far worse than dead. Just look at Marshall Katensaw. It was a miracle the man even got up in the morning, much less managed not to slit his wrists every time he looked in a mirror.
Peering over the edge of the stony precipice, Methos dared to look down. There were sounds down there. Angry sounds. Hungry sounds. And they were waiting for him. While he was sure they would be happy to eat any passerby, he was the only one stupid enough to volunteer to rescue the princess.
Blaaatt! Flyrit flapped, lifting his great bulk up the steep cliff and over the glacier. His white scales blended in with the snowy peak, convenient when hunting mountain goat. A meaty bighorn would sit well on his stomach about now but the Collack called…Blaaatt!…and would keep calling until he arrived. That curved horn had a way of piercing through five miles of mountains and through any blizzard the range could whip up. Ignoring it was not an option. Flyrit hung close to the snowy slope, gliding slowly to see what his beckoners were up to. His sharp dragon eyes saw three large swine staked for the taking, and six humans chained together by their waists and necks. Flyrit’s ears perked. This was no ordinary offering. The Collack needed help.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited February 15, 2011).]
No carrion birds flew in the abyss today, and for that at least Chala was grateful. She was painfully aware of the curse that stained her skirts for the twelfth month in a row, blood that would attract worse than scavengers—spirits to twist the limbs of the unborn, fill the lungs of the old, putrefy the wounds of the warrior. Cordin had been indulgent to retain her for so long.
Chala lowered her feet over the edge and began to scramble downward. Better to go willingly than to be thrown. But her legs still shook as she groped for toeholds. She knew there would be bones at the bottom. She tried not to imagine the malevolent spirits that must surely cling to them, purged from the community as the infirm were thrown into the deep.
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited February 12, 2011).]
Charlie James picked himself up off the floor of the tunnel and waited for the dust to settle. The light from his helmet stabbed through the gloom of thinning dust and showed the tunnel was blocked behind him. He was cut off from the rest of his squad, if they weren’t all killed in the collapse. The rest of the platoon was scattered throughout the maze of tunnels cut into the hillside. The only answer to his repeated radio calls was the static in his ears. He was alone. He could taste the fear and feel sweat sting his eyes, but he had to go forward. Tightening his grip on the phase rifle, he edged slowly down the black tunnel following the thin ray of hope provided by his helmet light. In the distance he could hear the scrapping of claws on the rock walls.
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I've never been hungry before, unless you count the time I spend waiting for some succulent smelling dinner to come out of the oven. That happens nearly every day, so I guess I've had enough experience with hunger to realize that what I'm about to do will be really, really hard.
And I'm soft. I pick up one of the pillows on my bed and set it down again. Someday soon I'm going to wish I had a pillow, but there's no way it will fit into the backback. Every spare inch of backpack space will be stuffed with food, at least tonight. Heaven knows it won't be stuffed with money.
There is no shortage of reasons to be afraid. I fear being alone, getting captured, or lost. But I know the thing that will harden me faster than anything else, is the hunger. I'll try to embrace it, because when I get home, I'll need to be hard.
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited February 14, 2011).]
I was so young, so innocent, so--oh I don't know--stupid, I guess. She took me by surprise. Her face, her eyes, her hair--the memory of the way her hair smelled stays with me to this day. She wrote my teacher a note requesting me to help her after my daily studies and I had to pass her muster in an interview.
How do you prepare for an interview with a sorceress? I knew no magic then; no spells or incantations, no weavings of forces, no potions or salves. But infatuation? I was smitten by her like every other boy in the school.
With palms dripping sweat, my knees nearly buckled with fear as I walked down the corridor to the interview room. I stood at the door for eons before I summoned the courage to knock. I could see my hand shake as I grasped the lever when she told me to enter.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited February 14, 2011).]
Feels a little like summary. Difficult situation though! I suppose I would be expecting him to feel a little more than the irony of the situation, which makes it a little light-hearted.
Entry 2 Title: Pilgrimage
I didn't really understand the relevance of the building or what it was about. A little confusion is fine, but I didn't have a hook to hang my confusion on...Nice voice, though.
Entry #4 Someone for everyone
Clearly he doesn't die, because he is telling the story. It feels like he summarizing his life.
Entry #5 The Dragon and the Savage Beast
Like this, plenty of attitude. In terms of the prompt, I am feeling a distinct lack of fear on the part of Penelope.
Entry #6 The Cesspool to Salvation
An unpleasant situation, definitely.
Entry #7 Deepest Law
This is one big block of text. Paragraphs help break prose into less intimidating blocks. I think the prose could be refined a little.
ENTRY 8 A Cut, A Snip, A Trim
Good prose. One big paragraph. More like micro-fiction. I don't see the story continuing--the punch line is the last line and all my questions have been answered, so no real hook.
Personally I prefer something speculative and I'm not getting that from this.
Entry Number: 9 A Moment More
Nice
Entry #10 Worse than Dead
I like the first part more than the second. Good prose though.
Entry # 11 The Sibling
I like this; it has a definite question I want an answer to--what help do they want from the dragon and will he help them or eat them? The prose is strong and a white dragon swooping over snow-capped mountains, well...nice image.
No fear evident though.
Entry 12 Descent
Prose was nice. Not sure what she is doing or why. I get she is bleeding (monthly) but isn't that normal? I'm confused.
Entry 13 Alone
Don't you taste someone else's fear on the air (in stories)? You feel your own fear viscerally or you observe it in your actions (tremors). Nice otherwise.
Entry 14 My Journey Home--Day 1
Nothing wrong with the prose, but the intro didn't work for me. Sorry. Perhaps it will work for others. Nice voice though.
Entry # 15 The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage
Fear evident--going somewhere alone. Nice prose.
VOTES:
1st Place: Entry 11 The Sibling - because I am left with a few questions.
2nd Place: Entry 5 - The Dragon and the Savage Beast - because I like the attitude and want to know what happens when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force.
3rd Place: Entry 8 - Because I liked the prose and although I saw no hook (what was his mother shopping for?!!) I like the prose enough to continue.
We have always done it this way for intro competitions. Have a look back through the threads of the other intro competitions--it is just a bit of fun. It works.
posted
1) Not sure where he's going alone. Unless it's only he getting snipped, but I've taken alone in the prompt to mean literally. I didn't like this as a hook, but as a complete story at 13 lines it's great.
2) First person from zombie POV. I like it. Nice hook. No one ever returns... But the forget-his-name thing was off-putting.
3) Boy do I wish I knew what "this" is. I don't mean it in a hook way, I mean I want to know in the 13. However, this was well written as always by Skads.
4) Mine
5) It felt at first as if being told by an observer and it would switch to first person. It didn't. I like that she gets away and is ready to fight.
6) I could not get Shawshank Redemption out of my head long enough to concentrate.
7) This feels very thick. Like 30 lines. Not bad at all. Not sure where it's going tho.
8) Timmy.
9) Well, it certainly starts with a bang. Can it continue?
10) It felt like there wasn't much focus on the MC. Lots of characters, not so much introduced as mentioned. I wish I knew where "there" was.
11) Points for starting with the word Blatt. Nice imagery. Cool POV. What's going on?
12) Carrion. Spirits. Bones. Curse... I like.
13) You had me at phase rifle.
14) Sounds like a guy going to boot camp. The writing was good, I just wish I knew the premise ahead of time, I would have enjoyed this more.
15) My fav so far, and not just because you mixed in my previous challenge to this one.
Thank you for this competition. It was fun to do but a pain to decide between them. I found many of them very good (including yours and axeminster's).
Among the entries I was interested in how many thought outside-the-box regarding the prompt "someone going somewhere they fear, alone", the hook, the quality of writing, and whether I'd read more. As I've noted, I discovered something I liked in each.
1. My entry
2. Zombie stories are the "in" thing (personally, I wonder how a zombie would keep kosher >smile< ). The "unknown" is a place from which the protagonist may not return. However, I am uncertain if the protagonist is a zombie, nor why he is going if none return. I also had trouble with ending passages with prepositions ("use it for", "wanted it for" or similarly placing the object before the verb, etc.
3. Xanadu, I assume, is the unknown place, but more importantly is the protagonist's dilemma of counter-intuitively shooting himself as a means to get there, and there is the unknown of certain death from his infected wound (3-in-1). Great second line and nice tie-in with the title. I was reminded of ERB's PRINCESS OF MARS.
4. Death is the ultimate, though oft-imagined, unknown. Also well-written. The problem the protagonist wishes to avoid is also one oft-imagined for "mind-readers". To me, the protagonist seemed far older than "six".
5. The unknown here is about to be faced by the antagonist (the dragon) not the spunky protagonist. It's uncooperative sacrifice is not your cringing maid. Nice hook. Engaging MC. Easy flowing prose.
6. The unknown for me was the action: would the protagonist not merely escape but survive? Evocative writing of the unpleasant sewer pipe--olfactory, tactile, visual; and the auditory alarm indicating that the chase is on. Not a sharp hook but well written. I do wonder how one would have a sewer pipe to the vacuum of the lunar surface.
7. The unknown is a place that incites fear in the MC, and the 1st sentence hooks right into these feelings. I'm uncertain of the why and what of the plot, "her purpose"--unless her sister is down the hole. If so, I wish her internal dialog demonstrated more about her concern for her sister than reiterating many times her own fear.
8. The unknown, at least superficially, is that of a first haircut. Unless there is a twist to come, this is not unknown to the reader. The depicting of the mind of the young protagonistis well done. No real hook for me, however.
9. Great opening hook. The unknown is a place that contains a horror, as well as the nature of the world setting and everyone mentioned in it. I liked the first paragraph and most of the second, but found the third a bit trite. I was reminded of WH Hodgson's THE NIGHT LAND.
10. Strong hook into the MC's fear. The unknown is not only a place but the imagined result (potential bodily harm and deformity) from journeying there. Strong descriptive writing of MC's feelings. And I liked it all, on first read, except for the very last word "princess". For me, a "rescue the princess" story usually doesn't have heroes who think of their "balls clenching" in fear. However, I appreciate a break in the traditional princess tale.
11. I was uncertain of both what was the unknown (prompt: "someone going somewhere they fear, alone") and what was the intended hook. I did enjoy the writing and the POV of the dragon protagonist.
12. Good first sentence hook and establishment of setting. The unknown is a place, but I wondered if it will also be the protagonist's transition from child to women, possibly to warrior. Strong writing with excellently described allusion to menstruation and self-awareness of the additional burden it will cause as she descends into conflict. In addition, there is intimation that she is going from one conflict (escaping being thrown into the abyss) to another.
13. Good hook and establishment of setting. The unknown is the place he's trapped in and what is trapped with him. The last sentence bothered me as a bit too quick and B-movieish in the indirect depiction of his antagonist--but I suspect the 13-line limit rushed this.
14. The unknown is what the protagonist is about to do, but the fear seems separate from this. I'm kept in doubt of the nature and purpose of the protagonist and why going "home" is "hard". More subtle a hook. Just didn't set with me.
15. The unknown is not only the interview with the sorceress, but the protagonist's evoked feelings of affection for her. Both fair hooks. Good writing that clearly depicts the angst of the MC. Reminded me of other misunderstood mages, such Pratchett's Rincewind from DISCWORLD and, since love is involved, Schmenderick from Peter Beagle's THE LAST UNICORN.
1st. #5 philocinemas THE DRAGON AND THE SAVAGE BEAST 2nd. #12 Ethereon DESCENT 3rd. #10 genevive42 WORSE THAN DEAD
Best Title: Someone for Everyone
Respectfully, History / Dr. Bob
P.S. Btw, because something was always done a certain way "before" does not equate with it being the correct way; and as a research scientist by training, I have an ingrained bias against observer bias.
P.S.S. For those with interest: The unknown "someone going somewhere they fear, alone" I was striving for was the protagonist being evicted (physically and emotionally) from the established system in which he had attained a position of importance,even though he was a subclass--a metaphor for the "kapos" of WWII.
[This message has been edited by History (edited February 16, 2011).]
posted
One of the reasons votes are not sent to the creator of the challenge/contest is that it means extra work for the creator, work which is not necessarily worthwhile as opposed to the value of anonymous voting. This has been done in the past because the approach was agreed upon by the participants by consensus.
If you would like to create a challenge, History, and handle the voting anonymously, you are welcome to do so. Each challenge creator is welcome to make up his or her own rules.
posted
Nice crop in here and tough to make a decision as to which was the best so the votes are somewhat arbitrary based on what I like to read.
Entry 1 For the Life of Man Ouch! I liked the idea of being alone in the crowd. Good descriptive intro, not sure where to go from here.
Entry 2 Pilgrimage Another alone in a crowd piece. Nice description, but I did have some pause over the verbiage, particularly “’cept nothing short of a miracle could give him it”, seemed an odd construct to me.
Entry 3 The Bullet Train to Xanadu Nice, very nice.
Entry 4 Someone for Everyone This would have had more impact for me if I hadn’t just seen an episode of Fringe with the same thought. Well written though.
Entry 5 The Dragon and the Savage Beast Nice concept and well written. I just didn’t see any fear on the part of the subject.
Entry 6 The Cesspool of Salvation Interesting, sort of The Shawshank Redemption meets Buck Rodgers. I’d read on.
Entry 7 Deepest Law Nice imagery, well written. Would like to see where this leads.
Entry 8 A Cut, A Snip and A Trim Interesting take with a nice little twist at the end for good measure.
Entry 9 A Moment More Nice take, reminds me of the old Asimov Robot stories. I would read on.
Entry 10 Worse than Dead Nice write up, a couple of things in there tripped me up, but otherwise nice.
Entry 11 The Sibling Good imagery, nice writing, but I didn’t get the sense of fear and dread.
Entry 12 Descent Nice writing, good take. I liked the ghostly and bad sprits feeling.
Entry 14 My Journey Home Interesting take. Liked the writing, not sure I get the sense of fear and dread here.
Entry 15 The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage Good take and nicely written, not really my cup of tea, but everyone can get the waiting to be interviewed dread.
Votes No. 1. Entry 3, Bullet Train to Xanadu No. 2. Entry 9, A Moment More No. 3. Entry 6, The Cesspool of Salvation
Best Title: Bullet train to Xanadu (how could I not vote for something with Xanadu in the title).
Entry 1: I like the premise of this one and the prose is solid, giving me a cross-your-legs imagery. I'm not sure the tongue-and-cheek style works all that well, given the severity of the punishment for the MC, but I am interested in reading on.
Entry 2: I loved the first line in this one -- it is a classic line that gives it a "Hitchiker's Guide" feel to it. Some of the prose gets a bit awkward and "forget-his-name" is a tad clumsy and -- well, forgettable. Also, a lot of telling, but overall, not bad.
Entry 3: One word: yuck. The imagery is very good -- in particular, I love (okay, this is too gross to love) the "red fingers of infection clawed toward my groin." Great description. The subtle drop of the Chinese crone was also good. No major crits.
Entry 4: First sentence is past tense, then the rest changes to present tense. Also too much description of reading minds -- would have preferred that later in the story than in the hook. I like the premise of a 6 year-old reading minds and ready to accept his fate.
Entry 5: A lot happens in the hook -- probably too much and we miss out on some of the description. I'm not sure about the first line and how it expresses the MC's thoughts at the time. It doesn't express fear, which is what she clearly would feel facing a dragon. Prose is clear and sentences well-crafted, but pacing is a little quick.
Entry 6: Mine
Entry 7: So far this is my favorite. Great first sentence and the prose continues solidly throughout. I am trying to figure out what (or who!) the maw belongs to and I hope this turns into more than the first 13. Great job.
Entry 8: The first part of the hook at times seems to be from Mama's POV with statements like, "as unruly as the child" and "He'd be a new boy when she returned." This places us at a distance from the MC. I like the verb choices (shuffle, scootching) that reflect the young boy's actions. Prose is pretty good, but I stumbled on a couple sentences such as "... turning to make his escape, he ran, instead, into the shop's striped pole."
Entry 9: I'm not sure why, but I am having trouble understanding this on my first read through (perhaps a crit of my attentive reading skills). The first sentence is a reflection back in time, then back to present, and I am getting confused where in time we are in the story. The overall writing is pretty good, but I can't give this a top 3 grade.
Entry 10: The explaining how he was scared doesn't work for me. If the MC was really scared, he wouldn't be thinking about the time he stole the orange or asked a girl something or another. Also, the rescuing of the princess for some reason makes me think of Super Mario Brothers (and I am now forever banned from critiquing anyone else's 13 lines again). The writing is clear; pacing is steady.
Entry 11: This makes China Meiville seem like a writer of the ordinary! Definitely creative, but the complete unfamiliarity with the situation puts it at a disadvantage. Despite that, this was a solid entry.
Entry 12: Good pacing and imagery. "Scrambl[ing] downward" evokes a quick pace down the abyss, which I am struggling to picture in my mind. No major crits.
Entry 13: The description is decent with no major crits. The first few sentences don't grip me with great enthusiasm and it is not until the last sentence that we learn that this isn't just someone in a mining accident. Can the hook of the beast within be pulled into the hook earlier?
Entry 14: This piece does not give me the feeling of fear and in fact the MC spends time explaining reasons that he could be afraid. Perhaps this hook would work better skipping the hunger and the packing of a backpack and starting with a situation that really would bring fear (such as nearly being captured, or lost -- take your pick).
Entry 15: This is a fun piece. I am picturing a YA story -- boy meets sorceress. It works on that level.
posted
Entry #1 For The Life of Man - Nice set-up for an interesting world. The voice was good. A few sentences were a little jumbled for me, but overall nice prose.
Entry #2 Pilgrimage – I loved, loved the first sentence. Nice idea, but I found the subsequent voice and ideas hard to follow.
Entry #3 The Bullet Train to Xanadu – Very good imagery and build up in the details and suspense. In a few lines you had a lot of threads going. I would have read on.
Entry #4 Someone for Everyone – Good concept. I can see why school would be very angst worthy. The voice was not young enough once you stated ‘I’m six years old’, not 'was six and looking back'. A teenager or older was what I imagined until that line.
Entry #5 The Dragon and the Savage Beast – excellent writing draws me right in and makes me want more. Of course, she doesn’t seem too scared, but she’s definitely alone. Great job.
Entry #6 The Cesspool to Salvation – The story is easy to visualize from your writing (maybe a tad thick on adjectives) and with the guards and prison it has an immediacy that would keep a person reading.
Entry #7 Deepest Law – Most sentences follow the same structure ‘She…’ ‘Her...’ I would suggest mixing it up a little more and even consolidating so there’s more time in the MC’s head to let us understand and feel why we should care.
Entry #8 – A Cut, A Snip, A Trim - me
Entry #9 A Moment More - Nice hook on the first line and an interesting idea. ‘The ancient horror below’ sounds a little cliché, but his fearing what’s beneath is a decent hook.
Entry #10 Worse than Dead – excellent voice, I got right into the MC’s head on this one. And ‘the only one stupid enough…’ was a nice hook.
Entry #11 The Sibling – lots of questions to be answered here. I typically don’t care for beginning a story with a sound, but the rest of the prose really carried the story.
Entry #12 Descent – Excellent storytelling. I felt Chala’s fear, and the choice that was no choice (thrown, or descend). The hints at demons and spirits was just right to make me want to find out more.
Entry #13 Alone – To me the scraping of claws could have been played up, the cave-in info consolidated or the two meshed so there’s a double whammy of threat.
Entry #14 My Journey Home – Day 1 – Nice voice that’s very relatable. There are some good questions raised that would have me reading further.
Entry #15 The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage – I got right into the MC’s head. Nice. Good use of did/didn’t (didn’t know spells, did know infatuation) to presage future events.
First Place: Entry #12 Descent Second Place: Entry #10 Worse than Dead Third Place: Entry #3 Bullet Train to Xanadu
posted
That was a good idea about not reading the posts before voting – I will resist. But if anyone calls me a talentless hack, I reserve the right to stick my tongue out at them.
Entry 1 – Positives: good details (Bearer’s Court), good imagery (sounds) – Problems: minor info-dump (post-Holocaust Aftertime), subject is a little off-putting, feels like a flashback is coming soon.
Entry 2 – Positives: good first line, distinctive voice – Problems: “Forget-his-name” and “don’t know what” didn’t work for me, also felt like a flashback might be coming.
Entry 3 – Positives: GREAT description and verb use, distinctive voice – Problems: a little gross, also feels like a possible flashback.
Entry 4 – Positives: VERY interesting idea (6 year-old suicidal psychic) – Problems: tense shift (“stared”, “I’m six…”), voice of six-year-old? (shimmering, delineated), drowning?
Entry 5 – Positives: deep POV, suggestive imagery, some humor – Problems: moves too fast, not many details, definitely a hack, but maybe not talentless.
Entry 6 – Positives: great title, good imagery and details (Lake Tacani), good hook (prisoner on moon) – Problems: could be a little cliché, the “what did he do?” question could lead into a flashback.
Entry 7 – Positives: deep POV, good imagery and verb use – Problems: minor nit (The Mouth of Hell or with quotes), could need some explaining (flashback).
Entry 8 – Positives: GREAT description, details and imagery, very hooky writing – Problems: non-hooky subject (haircut ) or more to it? (“He’d be a new boy when she returned”)
Entry 9 – Positives: detail (Kilgore Forest), unusual blend of technology and nature – Problems: inconsistencies (“if an android could scream in pain”, “his droid friend DAB”, and no later mention of DAB’s screams/ “tunnels far below…” and “stumbled over…roots”)
Entry 10 – Positives: details (describing past actions and Marshall Katensaw) – Problems: repetitive (“Peering over the edge” and “dared to look down”), what’s down there? (cannibals, piranhas, etc.)
Entry 11 – Positives: GREAT imagery and style, interesting POV – Problems: unsure of relation to prompt (Entering the Unknown).
Entry 12 – Positives: interesting verbiage (distinctive – poetic) – Problems: not sure what’s happening (is she in water?)
Entry 13 – Positives: some good imagery and description, hooky setup (trapped and alone) – Problems: “scrapping” = scraping?, the “why were they in tunnels?” may require some flashback.
Entry 14 – Positives: deep POV, distinctive voice, nice early twist (hooky) – Problems: 1st person present (not a killer, but difficult to pull off well), Personally don’t like paragraphs starting with “And”.
Entry 15 – Positives: deep POV, good imagery, distinctive voice – Problems: unusual punctuation/sentence structure, voice seems off (doesn’t feel like from a boy’s POV).
*Where I’ve noted “flashback” comments – I don’t necessarily feel this is bad, but it only brings to question the starting point.
Title: The Cesspool to Salvation 1st: Entry 8 – A Cut, A Snip, A Trim – (Would continue reading from writing alone) 2nd: Entry 6 – The Cesspool to Salvation – (Well-written and hooked me) 3rd: Entry 7 – Deepest Law – (Tough choice, but closest of picks to the prompt)
I laughed at the first line, then realised, "hey that is scary!" I enjoyed the writing (ex. the contrast between the two lines containing "figuritively". I'm hooked to find out why they have such an extreme justice system.
Entry 2 Title: Pilgrimage
Loved the first line. Fun voice, but by the 5th or 6th sentance I was losing focus a bit. I didn't get the fear element until the last two lines, and up to that point the tone was pretty light.
Entry #3 The Bullet Train to Xanadu
Nicely written. Good imagery in the openning, but I wasn't grabbed until the line that started with "It spoke of distant realms..." That line changed the feel from adventure story to spec fic and had me hooked.
Entry #4 Someone for everyone
Cool take on mind reading. My only quibble is with the six year old's vocabulary, but perhaps all the exposure to adult thoughts would have that effect. Hooked
Entry #5 The Dragon and the Savage Beast
So Penelope is the savage beast? Cool. Only thing is, she doesn't seem to be afraid so far.
Entry #6 The Cesspool to Salvation
Deffinitely nauseating. Reminded me of the Shawshank Redemption on/in the moon.
Entry #7 Deepest Law
More exploration of the experience of fear than many other entries. Neat title.
ENTRY 8 A Cut, A Snip, A Trim
I liked the rhythm in the title and the old-fashoined imagery of the mother's clothes and the barber shop. Good sense of foreboding. Could go either comic or creepy.
Entry Number: 9 A Moment More
The first line made me think "He wondered that?" but it certainly got its point across. Even though there's deffinite mortal peril here I'm not especially hooked, and I can't put my fingure on why.
Entry #10 Worse than Dead
Cool first line. Interesting, showing the character's calous attitute toward disfigurement, sets up the possibility for a change of perspective?
Entry # 11 The Sibling
Intrigued to find out who the Collack is, as well as who the sibling is, but I'm not seeing much sign that Flyrit is afraid.
Entry 13 Alone
Plenty to be afraid of here.
Entry 14 My Journey Home--Day 1
Very intriguing. I enjoyed the voice and the predicament, but I'm a sucker for "soft character gets tough" sort of stories.
Entry # 15 The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage
Fun. A unique take on what a person migth be afraid of and very entertaining.
VOTES:
1st: Entry 14 - My Journey Home--Day 1 2nd: Entry 4 - Someone for Everyone 3rd: Entry 8 - A Cut, A Snip, A Trim
Best Title: The Bullet Train to Xanadu
[This message has been edited by Ethereon (edited February 16, 2011).]
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Entry #1: Not really the kind of thing I'd want to keep reading, but probably the kind of thing I wouldn't be able to stop reading, anyway, at least until I saw what was going to happen next. Good hook.
Entry #2: The first sentence was amazing--the best sentence in the group. But the rest was just too confusing for me. If you'd just called him "Father" instead of "Forget-his-name" you might have had enough space to make everything else more clear.
Entry #3: Great imagery, and very interesting. It doesn't really seem like the beginningof a book though.
Entry #4: Interesting premise--I would love to read a short story like this. But the voice needs work--it's hard to picture a six year old talking like this.
Entry #5: Love it!
Entry #6: Very nicely done. Again--ick! But I'd read on.
Entry #7: I wanted more solid information. This felt like it was starting too late in the action.
Entry #8: In a few short sentences you were able to convey such a normal world that I was jolted out of place when something didn't behave the way I expected it to. I'd read on.
Entry #9: Good job.
Entry #10: Great voice.
Entry #11: It's hard to catch my interest with a non-human main character, and I was confused by whether he was going to help the humans or whatever had them chained.
Entry #12: I'm interested in what's at the bottom, so I'd keep reading.
Entry #13: The real hook came in the last sentence, with the sound of scraping on the walls.
Entry #14: This is me, and I'm glad I don't have to critique it, or I'd be here all day.
Entry #15: This is a nice one. I'd keep reading.
Title: Entry #15: Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage 1. Entry 5 2. Entry 10 3. Entry 7
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Entry 1, I really enjoyed the "belles and matrons", and the "Madame Judge", the subtle way you showed the female empowered world of the story. I think this start would be more engaging if it followed the real time of the story, I read the line " the last sound I heard...," as a back story.
Entry 2, Mine. I came up with the first line more than a year ago, and since then I have been trying to create a story out of it, unsuccessfully.
Entry 3, beautiful prose, nauseating subject. I wasn't really sure what the "Was I actually going to do this?" really meant, but I was hooked enough by the writing to continue on.
Entry 4, The strongest hook of the bunch for me was this line. I'm six years old, and I'm ready to die. I think one more sentence, perhaps before the "I'm six years old...", showing the action of the real time. Like I leaned down and touched the water, or my eyes followed a water skeeter as it skimmed across the surface.. or something much better, would plant the reader in the sense of dread that would strengthen the beautiful prose.
Entry 5, Great title, and great attitude. I really am liking Penelope so far. My only real nit is the first sentence reads very modern, and the use of the second word that, shows her to be an outsider. If you continue this story, I would suggest taking a bit more time on description, slow down the general pace of the information. It feels like a full story.
Entry 6, the information was given at a beautiful pace. Well done. The character is obviously in a prison on the moon, yet you never told us that, you just showed us. And the name Rook makes me feel like he is just one piece of a bigger game, which hooked me from the first word. Nice. Not a fan of the title, however.
Entry 7, this feels very distant. Like this line, " and recited her mantra against fear." If we were in her head, the sense of dread would be so much stronger, and we would know the words to the mantra. It feels like we are watching her as "She considered, as she gulped, as she swayed, broke loose, cast her eyes to heaven, she worked steady her pulse. If she is casting her eyes to heaven, then focus on what she is actually seeing, like the top of the cave. Also, what is her name? The story would be so much stronger if it started, " Josephine's gut clenched as she peered..."
Entry 8, I like it. My only issue is that the prose, although interesting and well played, feels too old`for Timmy to have. Would Timmy know the smell of metallic gore? This might just be me with this issue, and I still like it a lot, and am hooked by the demonic barbershop pole. Great title.
Entry 9, the more I read this one, the more I like it. I found the use of the words android and Sun Goddess so close together a bit genre confusing. The second sentence feels very fantasy, while the rest of the thirteen is clearly scifi. There are a few missing commas, one after Kilgore forest, and another after every direction.
Entry 10, I have an issue with the line, "Methos was scared. Not scared..." I really loved how Methos thinks that being maimed is far worse than being dead. I like the writing style very much, some cool things happening here. I think the hook would be much stronger if, instead of focusing on the hungry sounds, you mentioned what was making those sounds, what it was he was so scared of, and what he was going to rescue the princess from. Like if you said peering over the edge of the stony precipice Methos dared to look down at the dragon's Keep, or the goblins casino. It feels like an empty threat, which weakens the sense of dread.
Entry 11, nice. A quick question though, is the Collack the horn, or a group of people who blow a horn? I stumbled over that, because how could a horn need help? I think a quick mention of how the Collack got the horn, or how Flyrit feels for the Collack would strengthen the thirteen. Are they his humans? Are they obnoxious, or needy, or tasty? I feel like the Collack is where the hook will come from, more so than the dragon's hunger.
Entry 12, A bit confusing, but still beautifully sad in it's own way. I couldn't say I know a hundred percent what's going on, but I care about Chala, and worry for her safety stronger than any of the previous thirteens. Well done.
Entry 13, Could you make Charlie injured from the collapse? maybe mention what the world felt like as the tunnel collapsed, perhaps mentioned a few rocks that were still falling, that kind of a thing. It doesn't really seem like he is in any danger, or that he is worried for the life's of those people he is separated from. It seems a bit too hopeful, I'm not worried about Charlie at all.
Entry 14,I love the line, "Heaven knows it won't be stuffed with money." This feels well written, with a likable voice, and relate-able character. My issue with this, is I just don't understand why this soft character would want to go home if home is so unpleasant, and their starting point is so comfortable. What is the catalyst propelling the character forward? Is it a sibling stuck at home, a sick mother, I don't know. I just don't get why they're leaving, and because of that I'm having a hard time caring about the journey.
Entry 15, well done. I like that the tension you developed was different from all the rest of us, your character isn't dreading death, he's dreading meeting with a beautiful woman. It's funny, refreshing, just plain good. This sentence "She wrote my teacher..." could use some clarity. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I stumbled a bit between daily studies and I had to pass... Maybe you could make that two sentences?
Voting First place, Entry 6 Second place, Entry 4 Third place, Entry 12
Title: A Cut, A Snip, A Trim Honorary mention on title to "The Dragon and the Savage Beast." The two were so close in my mind, I'm still not a hundred percent sure which I like better. I ended up voting A Cut, A Snip... because of the sense of dread it adds to the story.
Some great thirteens here. Several could have won the vote based on quality. I voted solely based on personal preference.
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Entry #1 - The second line seems unnecessary and the last line sticks out like it doesn't belong. Not a bad line, but needs to be attached better. Otherwise, nice clear prose.
Entry #2 - Overall a little vague and confusing. Tightens up at the end though.
Entry #3 - Nice descriptions. A bit disjointed. First a spear wound, then looking at a bullet, then talk of other places. Would have liked a little better flow.
Entry #4 - I think the line, "I'm six years old and I'm ready to die," should have been your lead line. It's very gripping and it comes too late (in the realm of a 13-line contest), So the emotion hits, but is over too quickly. Still nicely done.
Entry #5 - The last line is out of sequence and the time feels too compressed. Feels a little forced.
Entry #6 - There's a disconnect in the setting when I suddenly learned he was underground. I had him outside until that point. And then a cesspool and the image of a society tech advanced enough to have a lunar colony didn't fit. Good disgusting set-up until that point though.
Entry #7 - It jumps around a little. The first line with 'maw', the maw isn't explained until a couple of sentences later. Then it's hard to tell if the descent to hell is literal or figurative. I would like this to be more visceral, as if I were directly in her head standing on that precipice.
Entry #8 - I'm a bit torn on the setting. At first it sounds modern, and then it harkens back to barber shops of old, way old. And I have trouble believing that a mom with a kid nervous about getting a haircut wouldn't walk him inside and sit him in the chair.
Entry #9 - Lots of new information to absorb and not sure all of it is necessary. Then, when you get to the trap, and being herded, I feel like that bit has no context because I never knew someone was chasing him. Didn't know why they were down there.
Entry #11 - The 'Collack' is unclear. It seems like one thing at first, then another. Also, If a flying beast were plucking goats off a mountain, wouldn't it be more important for its coloring to blend with the sky than the peak?
Entry #12 - Not sure what's going on or why she feels she needs to sacrifice herself. Could use more clarity.
Entry #13 - A lot of thinking to explain the situation, but not a lot of feeling. I'm not getting a true sense of his fear.
Entry #14 - As soon as you say, "to realize that what I'm about to do will be really, really hard," and then don't clarify for the reader what he's planning to do, it's unfair withholding. At the end of this, I don't care about what he's going to face because I don't know what it is. OSC quote, "Suspense comes from what you do know, not what you don't know." Tell us what he's going off to face and we'll care more.
Entry #15 - Good set-up. Last line could have been more direct, "my hand was shaking" instead of him seeing it shake, but well done overall. Definitely drew me in and made me want to read more.
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Entry 1 - This was more of a 13 line story rather than an opening. I didn't know what more there was to be said.
Entry 2 - The Forget-his-name didn't thrill me and I thought the opening could have been heavily trimmed. The hook was good, but it was a trial to get there.
Entry 3 - When the MC mentioned the spear, I thought this was in a medieval setting and then it talked about a bullet. He picks up the bullet and I had to frantically piece together what was going on. A spear? Did he just remove a bullet? Then I figured out he was going to do something 'unique' with the bullet. I don't know if I'd last to there.
Entry 4 - This was a good opening, but not for a six-year-old. I didn't get a sense of his tender age and we obviously know he's not going to die. I'd try to find a way to get the last sentence up further so the person's impending doom becomes the hook, not the thought invasion that drives the MC to it.
Entry 5 - I liked this, although I definitely got the impression that Penelope was not scared at any time of any one. The hook would definitely drive me on. I could see the snarl on her face.
Entry 6 - The thing I first thought of when I read this is that he's going to have to hold his breath for his swim and then hold his breath on the lunar surface. I didn't see a way out for him and for that I would give him up for dead and move on. Good setting and description.
Entry 7 - I was right there with the MC. The sense of urgency was nicely placed in the context of the opening. Lots of tension and with the promise of conflict.
Entry 8 - I really liked the idea of this, but the pole and the strips of red cloth, the metallic gore (what's metallic gore? I thought) and the bandages threw me. I do think this can be made highly serviceable with some toning down of the barber pole's description.
Entry 9 - I had a hard time placing the setting, but the description of their dire strait was done well. I had a hard time with mudlocks feasting on circuitry for the opening, but the there was a great sense of urgency at the end in the hook.
Entry 10 - I liked this except Marshall Katenshaw was too much of a real name and kicked me out of the opening's flow a bit. I liked the princess bit right at the end that pulled the rest of the opening together.
Entry 11 - This was a good opening except for the fact is that we don't know what The Collack is. For me that muddied what was going on. The pigs and people all tied up didn't help and lessened the impact of the hook.
Entry 12 - I had to wonder how Chala was cursed and on the first read didn't realize that she was anticipating her joining those at the bottom of the pit. I think the hook could be stronger, but I thought you framed the start well.
Entry 13 - The opening did a good job of setting up Charlie's predicament. I thought there were too many 'was' sentences and rewriting those sentences with more active verbs would strengthen the opening. The hook was fine, but I felt I needed to know where the claw sounds came from. Where he left or where he headed.
Entry 14 - I think this opening lacks impact because as a reader I think I would be more interested in the why the MC is fleeing and to where. I just found myself not interested in the hunger aspect.
Title: Entry #5 The Dragon and the Savage Beast I chose this title because of it's wry connection to the story.
1st Place: Entry #5 I think I'd like the tone of this story.
2nd Place: Entry #7 Breaking this into paragraphs could help, but I liked the gripping way the opening unfolded.
3rd Place: Entry #10 Other than the reference to the name, I thought this was well done and I liked the way the hook tied the whole piece together, providing a motive.
Lots of good work here and lots of potential for some great stories.
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Did I forget to mention that voting closes ON TUESDAY 22nd at midnight . Anyone who hasn't voted will be disqualified...
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The irony is beautiful, while the subject matter is awful. Nice contrast. I’m not sure I really want to read a story about such a thing, but I like your voice.
2) Pilgrimage
There are a lot of people who love Zombie stories; unfortunately I’m not one of them except in very rare cases. I do like that your MC seems to be one of the zombies, which is new (I think). The only nit that I have is the repetition of Forget-his-name. (If it actually was John or something you wouldn’t use it that many times either.)
3) The Bullet Train to Xanadu
The best thing about this good entry was the title. Nice. The imagery is strong, specific and we are right there with your MC. It’s interesting. Solid Hook.
4) Someone for everyone
Just a nit but it’s a little bit unclear (to me) about where the MC is. When I first read this I thought he was already underwater, but upon closer examination I think maybe he’s on a dock or something. I like the exploration of the burden of Telepathy. I like the youth of the character although it seems at odds with level of word choice and foresight. Still it makes me curious about where you are going with this. (I would assume a suicide attempt that is foiled and then…)
5) The Dragon and the Savage Beast
This was by far my favorite of the group even when it was a little rough. The rewrite has made it even better. Love the title; really, really love the title. I would absolutely love to see this become a full story. I’ll be more than willing to crit if you like. Not sure that it really adheres to the prompt though. While it is a situation where most characters would be afraid, it doesn’t seem like she ever is. But that’s also part of what I like about it; I love her spark. This is exactly the type of story that I scour bookstores hoping to find. I really hope that you finish it.
6) The Cesspool to Salvation
This is quite interesting and draws you in, but the last sentence throws me a bit off. I like the imagery and the title, but if that tunnel leads to the lunar surface…?!? There isn’t any more air on the lunar surface than there is inside a cesspool. Anyway, I like the flavor of your writing very much, especially considering the unappealing setting. I also really, really like your MC’s name, exceptionally cool.
7) Deepest Law
Mine.
8) A Cut, A Snip, A Trim
This is really cute. The imagery is strong and the voice is just right. It would make a great opening for a short story, but I’m not sure that I’d be hooked enough to stick around for anything longer.
9) A Moment More
This was a bit rough for me. The first sentence is a great hook in its own right, but the second is mildly confusing. The descriptions of the tunnels could be clearer. I’m guessing that you are going with them being made by your creatures? If so then maybe you could lead off your tunnel description with that, and leave any mention of the forest above until you have established the picture in the reader’s head. I’m not sure you really need mention of a Sun Goddess, but okay. Just be aware that most cultures ascribed the sun as male, so be sure of your deviation if you choose to. (Also, beware the use of the word “droid” it was mentioned on another thread that Lucas has copyrighted it or something.) Nit: “mudlock’s” I think you wanted the plural “mudlocks” rather than a possessive. Still, the premise is interesting and I’m curious about what happens next. The android’s scream is the best thing you’ve got going here, and if the android was his friend wouldn’t he be grieving? If you decide to make this more than an intro, you should devote some more time to such a great (albeit deceased) character.
10) Worse than Dead
The sound and flavor of this is Western (to me), but what is a princess doing in a Western? Anyway, nice tone and rhythm. I like.
11) The Sibling
I liked this. I don’t read any fear on the part of the MC, after all what does a dragon have to fear? But I would definitely keep reading. Not sure what the title has to do with anything, but I don’t suppose it has to right up front. The “Collack calling” led me to think that they are a tribe, and a tribe that is capable of summoning a dragon… cool. The human sacrifice is potentially problematic. While such is a staple of dragon lore, if our MC eats people it might be tough to keep liking him, and letting them go would seem out of character, so… problematic. All in all though, it’s very interesting and memorable.
12) Descent
This was a little hard to grasp. The emotion comes through and that's good. Chala is sympathetic and admirable enough for me to read further for answers, but I would want them to come relatively quickly.
13) Alone
I would stay away from naming any military character “Charlie” unless you are after a specific sort of irony/humor. For this type of character I would recommend going with rank and last name (usually a last name that isn’t also a first name, but either way). Other than that, not bad. Not great, but enough of a hook to want to keep going.
14) My Journey Home--Day 1
Okay. I’m interested. I think maybe too much time is spent on… anticipated nostalgia? Anticipated hardship lends itself to fear, so okay, but why is she willing to face her fear? Why does she need to be “hard”? Nit: I think you meant “backpack” not “backback”, and you don’t need to say it twice. Is there some reason that she needs to leave so suddenly that she can’t get proper gear? (Camp pillows are relatively cheap, compact, and easy to find.) You don’t need the sentence “there is no shortage of reasons to be afraid”, it’s too passive. Go with “I am afraid. Of being alone, getting captured or lost, but I know…” Still, sounds like it’s leading somewhere good. Keep going. Journal/1st person writing is devilishly tricky, but really good if done well. (Okay, I just realized that you never actually established the gender of the MC, so my reading it as a “she” is probably just a reflection. That means that I’m identifying strongly enough to project, not a bad sign. )
15) The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage
I really like this. I can see it so clearly. Love the title. I’d rather see a more descriptive synonym in place of “walked” in the last paragraph, but that’s my only nit. Well done.
Voting:
1st Place - Entry #5 - I really, really want to read this story. 2nd Place - Entry #15 - Love the title! A fresh feel to a well loved topic. Nice take on the prompt. 3rd Place - Entry #11 - Dragon POV!
I feel like I should apologize because two of my top three, only loosely adhered to the prompt, but I loved them too much to not vote for them.
Best Title – The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage (with a close 2nd for The Dragon and the Savage Beast only because the title doesn’t reveal its greatness until you are reading the story)
Thanks guys, for all the time spent on generous feedback, and special thanks to skadder for arranging the contest!
You could cut the two ‘figuratively’ lines. I read it without them and it reads smoother to me. Lots of apprehension. It fits. It hooks enough for me.
Entry 2 Pilgrimage
Like the humorous undertones of the piece. It interests me enough to read on.
Entry: 3 The Bullet Train to Xanadu
It doesn’t seem like the right spot to start to me. Don’t know enough and it isn’t hooking me enough because of it
Entry #4 Someone for everyone
More creepy than scary. For this to work I think more needs built on the opening line. Make what the boy is about to do more ominous.
Entry #5 The Dragon and the Savage Beast
This MC doesn’t appeared scared at all. Liked the writing though and the opening. It is hooking me at the moment.
Entry #6 The Cesspool to Salvation
Hmmm, prisoner escaping prison. The cesspool is quite ominous, even if its been done before, but escaping to the moons surface is not. Wonder how he plans on surviving the vacuum?
Entry #7 Deepest Law
Now this could be a story building up courage for a cliff dive in sunny Mexico or something more. Wish I knew for sure it was more.
ENTRY 8 A Cut, A Snip, A Trim
Something weird is going on. I can imagine how a hair cut would be frightening for a young boy left alone. This is more. Too quick on the info to make it effectively sacry for me.
Entry Number: 9 A Moment More
A story of a man fighting for survival. Mudlock’s sound bad. Liked the screaming android bit.
Entry #10 Worse than Dead
What is the hungry crowd down there? Zombies? Beasts of some sort? A angry mob? Sounds scary enough.
Entry 12 Descent
Scary but there is a problem. I have no idea what is going on. Guess I would have to read on to find out what is happening.
Entry 13 Alone
The title fits with this opening. This serves for this contest but I suggest starting at an earlier point if you plan on pursuing this further.
Entry 14 My Journey Home--Day 1
Nice opening. I wish I knew where the MC is and how he or she is far from home.
Entry # 15 The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage
This works. With the prompt and as a hook.
Difficult choices. Maybe I’ll throw them all up in the air and the first three I pick up will be the winners. Here we go…
They all say The Sibling. Geez I can’t even cheat right.
Best Title Entry Number: 9 A Moment More
It worked really well with what I read. Nice tie in.
Good. I got a Poe feeling from this (could hear Vincent Price narrating it). The irony of the story was not lost upon me. Terrifying intro but it feels like I know what is coming up and not sure if I want to read it. Not left with any hook that keeps me questioning what will happen.
2) Pilgrimage
Could have been titled Logans Run which is good resonance with me. Forget his name seemed like a stretch of 'He who must not be named' and seemed forced to me. Good writing and nice potential for more.
3) The Bullet Train to Xanadu
I like the mix of a future with the mention of a history. Solid description and simile. Hooked for more.
4) Someone for everyone
Hmm, nothing against this story but at this point made me realize there have been a lot of 'the thing is-you see-here's the deal' type first persons. Not bad, just something I noted. On this story. Well written. Good story. Perked me up when on the age reveal. Cute ending but since we all know how this ends it made me feel just that--It was an ending not a hook.
5) The Dragon and the Savage Beast
The groin shots made me think it was a typical girl not one that could take on a dragon with a stalagmite. Not sure how it would be serrated but im hooked to see how she handles herself.
6) The Cesspool to Salvation
A bit confused with the tunnel. Pipe, cesspool, then tunnel. Is the tunnel part of the first two? Didnt really connect.
7) Deepest Law
Personal preference for 3rd person intro is to have character introduced right away. Felt myself wondering who is 'she' instead of getting into the story.
8) A Cut, A Snip, A Trim
Thought this would be a good title for the first story. Yipes. Solid description. Not sure the about going somewhere alone prompt. More a feeling of being abandoned.
9) A Moment More
Mine
10) Worse than Dead
Big Highlander fan so the Methos name immediately resonated with me. Nice internals. Thought the last two sentences could have been structured better. I like the sense of history here. I would read on.
11) The Sibling
Well written and love the non human perspective.
12) Descent
Good writing. Similar story to others here but I want to read on.
13) Alone
rest of his squad--rest of his platoon. For a short thirteen thought this was repetitive. A word change on one of them would have helped me. Claws make a good hook.
14) My Journey Home--Day 1
Not really getting a sense of going somewhere alone. No foreboding fear I am getting from the other stories. Just that it will be a hard hike. Not really captured here.
15) The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage Interestig play on going somewhere alone. I liked this light piece.
1st Place - 10 2nd Place - 3 3rd Place - 11
Best Title – The Meandering Memoirs of a Misunderstood Mage
[This message has been edited by Dark Warrior (edited February 18, 2011).]
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Congrats to the winners! And to everyone, too. The entries were all very high quality. And thanks Skadder for hosting this.
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Thanks, everyone. For those who didn't vote for mine, I agree that it moved too fast and lacked detail - I was actually surprised it won. I use these challenges more as experiments - trying to figure out what attracts readers. This one told me a lot. I plan on finishing it (slowing it and adding detail), and I hope to have more time to do so in the very near future (another position change within my company). If anyone wants to read it, just respond to my post in Fragments and Feedback - will try to post it sometime next week. There are also a few I would like to read, but I won't have time until at least a week from now.
I am curious - what does being British have to do with not liking dialogue in openings?
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Also, I would like to express my thanks to skadder for running this contest, and congratulations to the other winners - all the openings were very good.
My iPad is driving me crazy with double-posts!!
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited February 18, 2011).]
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That was fun. I'm impressed with everyone turning in their crits so fast!
It's interesting to see the diversity in what people look for. Some look at how close it follows the prompt; others look at writing quality; others the hookiness; others in personal taste of stories. Probably everyone looked with all of these factors in mind, but in different proportions.
I wonder if magazine/book editors look at stories with the same level of diversity.
Thanks Skadder. Its been a couple years since I've participated in one of these.
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Thanks skadder. This was great. Congratulations to philocinemas and everyone else. I hope to see these as finished stories soon!
Posts: 938 | Registered: May 2008
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