quote:I see some people saying my post isn't good because it has multiple sentences. I tried putting my sentences together but all the whiles, ands and buts just messed it up. I think the point here is to make it short enough to be pitched in a few seconds and it has to sound simple enough to be spoken out loud. So sue me.
Martin. I said I like yours. If you ever get the chance to make an elevator pitch, I don't think the rule about one sentence is going to matter one bit.
It's just that it was the rule for this challenge. Sorry.
posted
I moved stories in, out, and around the top list several times before settling on these loglines. Several loglines that fell below the top three presented interesting concepts but were too messy (with spelling errors, inappropriate punctuation, or confusing relationships). Others for potentially enjoyable stories were too vague on what makes the story unique.
Perhaps my choice for 3rd is unfair, but it really does look like fun.
1st: #27 2nd: #32 3rd: #28
Honorable Mention: #7 for standing on the line between tagline and logline.
posted
I've changed my pitch so now it's technically one sentence.
In my eveluating role, I was looking for originality in the content, simplicity in the structure and revealing enough info to create a picture. After all, this is what this contest is all about.
# 1: sounds like Battlefield Earth in a morbid way. A bit long-winded. # 2: interesting, I would read more. Simple enough. # 2b: weird. Just weird. The 'no name' thing is a bit of a turn off. Simply written. # 3: interesting though I can't say it's new. Would read more. # 4: interesting premise but sounding like a movie. # 5: sounds like you're struggling to make it a one sentence pitch. It's a bit flat. # 6: I imagine it as a Disney cartoon. But intrigued. # 7: / # 8: Merlin. Could be interesting though I've seen plenty of Merlin movies. # 9: Plant girl: insteresting though not much information. Others do not interest me. # 10: berskers are always interesting. At least I can't think of a movie that sounds familiar. It does sound as if you struggled to make it a one-sentence pitch (but didn't we all?) # 11: / # 12: doesn't convince me. Werewolf and dragon? Sounds like you're desperately trying to create a mix. # 13: I'm always intrigued by stuff like that. You would need to create very compelling storyline and characters or I would lose interest quickly. # 14: intriguing though I would like more information on what is actually happening. A bit long-winded. # 15: cracked me up. Also well written. # 16: knights are not my thing but I like the irony. # 17: vague. Funny but useless for arousing curiosity. # 18: too vague. Cancer domesticated? That's the only piece of information you give me. # 19: might be interesting. Well written. # 20: sounds like it has been done before. Well written. # 21: sounds like superman redone. # 22: doesn't stand out but then I'm not big on detective murder stories. # 23: not interested. Simply written, though. # 24: funny and weird yet too long for a single sentence. Too much chance of messing up the words, ergo losing your listener's interest. # 25: Jurrasic Park fan? And why just North America? # 26: dreams are ok, but squad that defeats monsters sounds cliche. Ghost Busters? # 27: plot doesn't interest me. Too many adjectives, it exhausts me. # 28: not a fan of Beatles. # 29: fairytale. Simply written. # 30: no plot, just setting. # 31: done before but insteresting. Simple enough. Favourite # 32: doesn't interest me. Long-winded. # 33: might be a good parody. The pitch itself is long-winded.
Best five:
1st place: 16. The simplest pitch I've seen with no conjunctions. Even the single comma is unnecessary. It reveals enough of the story and the setting. 2nd place: 3. Simply written though I can only imagine this as a short story. Interesting story. 3rd place: 31. The pitch is elegant (only one 'that'). Shows enough, creates an effect of mystery.
*4th place: 20. Simple (only one 'although'). Gives me the general picture, offers interesting development.
*5th place: 2. Simple, without any conjuctions. The only problem is that there are too many names to remember: rabbi, mystic, demon, golem. In the end it's a bit confusing.
posted
If you've got to summarize the essence of your story in one sentence, certain sacrifices must be made. Like plot and character...
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posted
What I was looking for was a unique character in an unusual setting and an intriguing plot. I really didn't care how someone worded it - I just wanted something I haven't seen or read before that didn't drift into Howard the Duck territory.
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posted
I had considered yours, axe, but I had difficulty with the setting - modern or midieval Britain - and couldn't figure out how his sister was still alive.
First place: #19 - it was easy to read, and catchy. the last part about the, fighting for his mind. Good stuff. Second place: #2b - ditto first place, but 2 such different characters finding love, good. Third place: #29 - I read this one when it first came out, and loved it, BUT, I think it has been edited since then(edited before the voting so no worries there, I just think RoxyL that the first version flowed better. Really liked it)
posted
First #6 - How can I deny the majesty of Bing Salvatore Second #16 - I see this plot hanging around here for awhile and always thought it intriguing Third #25 - Raptors in the wild west, what could go right?
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posted
axeminister was curious about what I thought of these "elevator" premises, I decided to place them on this thread instead of the Challenge thread. Of course this has no effect on who won since the contest is over, I am just putting his curiosity to sleep.
I didn't think any were bad, but some were definitely better than others. Some not mentioned by me sounded cliche-ish or not at all concise.
My favorite though was Dr. Bob's.
axeminister had a one and a half good ones. His first one had a good beginning but the second half was cliche-ish and made it not concise. His #22 was better.
I also liked Mededith's #12
And Tiegan's
All sounded "to the point" and didn't use over used phrases.
And I must say that pdblake's first one was concise and got to the point very quickly.
It was a fun challenge. Axeminister I will get you my first 50 pages sometime today. Thanks so much for having this challenge and the great prize. I can always use another pair of eyes.
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