quote: There she stood at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child. There was a sadness in her eyes, a weight in them that was enormous like the sea. A light wind came through the open color-glass window and into the ancient church, scattering leaves of paper from shelves and blowing the flickering of candles to and fro. The palest of moons peeked from the darkness in the sky behind the church, and with her back to it she faced the great ironwood doors as a slivery silhouette.
The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
Two points for a guess with critique. One point for a guess with rationale. Negative ten points for a guess with neither critique nor rationale
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
[ November 18, 2003, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
I really like the subject matter, and the images were very nice. Sometimes (as in the leaves of paper) the wording seemed a little forced and thus was a bit awkward. I am intrigued, as rivka said, by the contrast between youth and age, eternal life and living death. Definitely a female author. Probably she's fairly young.
My guess is Dragon.
Posted by esl (Member # 3143) on :
Cool! I like the old and young contrast in the first sentence. The "light wind" confused me for a moment because I wasn't sure whether you were talking about light or wind. That was probably just me. The "enormous like the sea" is nice. It might work better with a different word for sea, i.e. ocean.
very mysterious and ominous. Great job!
random guess: Leonide
edit: I also believe the author is female.
[ November 17, 2003, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: esl ]
Posted by Ophelia (Member # 653) on :
You know, as soon as I read that, I said "I bet I'm the first one guessed." Even though I don't think I've ever written anything like it.
It's pretty, very descriptive. I think it was someone young and female, although it could be someone who just wants to sound young and female.
I don't like that both of the first two sentences start with the word "there." Just remove it from the first one.
Hmm. I really have no idea, but I'll guess Ryuko. Just because.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to everybody.
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
Nice imagery....did you mean sliver or silvery?
and i assume the final sentence was supposed to be "coming" for her?
For some reason i saw "a light wind" as "a wind made of light" which sounded cool until i realized that you meant a breeze. *hits self in head* I'm far too literal for my own good.
ah, esl thought that too! don't feel nearly so silly now
Let's see...I liked it. It was really very intriguing and i always like eternal children. The Childlike Empress!
possibly Pixie? Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
So I'm predictable. Ah well.
quote: . . . and blowing the flickering of candles to and fro.
Hmm, the flames are flickering because they're being blown by the wind, yes. But is "flickering" a thing that can be blown?
Maybe ". . . and causing the candle flames to flicker to and fro"?
Is it porce?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I like it, but am not sure about
quote: blowing the flickering of candles to and fro
I think I'd prefer 'blowing the candle-flame to and fro' or something similar. No real reason why, except personal preference.
I guess porcelain girl. I don't know anyone that well to guess accurately, but the imagery in the story fits with my idea of the sort of person who would choose 'porcelain' as a SN.
Edit: too slow! Glad to see it's not just me on the candle thing though
[ November 17, 2003, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: imogen ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
And I swear I didn't see Rivka guess porcelain girl as well.
Quit reading my mind Rivka!
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Note the times on the last post... now this is getting freaky
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Um, while you're in there . . . can you figure out where I put the extra key? Thanks. Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
0n top of your fridge.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to everybody.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
*checks*
Nope. Ah well.
Now where did I put the extra-long q-tips?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
No idea, I'm afraid... I guess our link must have been severed.
My second guess is kwsni. Not much monty python in the piece, but she is young and female....
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Nah, I wasn't asking you. But thanks! Anyway, I found 'em.
*inserts one into left ear and scrubs vigorously*
Posted by Scythrop (Member # 5731) on :
I Like it a lot - great establishment of both character and atmosphere. If I was being picky (which I am ) I'd say that it could be paired down even more in terms of description; images such as
quote: old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child
and
quote: a weight in them that was enormous like the sea
Are so evocative that I feel their impact is slightly lessoned by some of the other adjectival description;
quote: A light wind came through the open color-glass window and into the ancient church
Like I say, that's just me being picky though. I really like the writing.
Having said that, I've no idea who to pick, however I suspect a male, and someone fairly young.
At an (almost) random guess, then... ScottR
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ok, I think probably female. Most likely young.
JaneX?
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
I like this passage, but I think the second "church" could be replaced by some other word. It sounded a bit repetitive.
I guess Ryuko
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
ryuko's already been guessed.
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
really? Dang.
Ummm...kat
Posted by Jaiden (Member # 2099) on :
I'm thinking female as well... I haven't many/any works by most of these people...
Let's go with Vana.
"There she stood at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child." -I really liked this line Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
Really liked the use of imagery. I'm thinking female wrote this, but don't really know which one so a random guess wuld be Jeni.
Would like to know who the Dead Knight is and why she is waiting patiently.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
I don't like "color-glass". How about colored or stained?
And how about kwsni?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Um. . .Scythrop? How 'young' do you think I am? I mean, compared to such mummies as Bob_Scopatz, or Claudia Therese I AM young. . . but I'll be 29 on Thursday. I'm no spring chicken.
I found the imagery and word choice to be too thick. I literally winced at 'old beyond reckoning.' And it feels like this is either a prologue or a specifically-written-for-the-Guess-the-Author-game tidbit, because there is no character here.
Sure, there's an old/young woman of unquestionable worth to the story-- but we don't know anything about her.
That said, the author has command of this scene-- and I'm interested to know where this story will lead.
I'm guessing, at random, Belladonna Orchid. I think this author is female, anyway. . .
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I think the author is a young female, or else a young man trying hard to write against type. Some of the writing was a bit leaden:
"...a weight in them that was enormous like the sea..." "...open color-glass window..." "...blowing the flickering of candles to and fro..." "...palest of moons peeked from the darkness..." "...as a slivery silhouette..."
Basically, it tries too hard to create an image. As such, it reads like one of those by-women-for-women fantasy historical novels, in which the guy the heroine falls for turns out to be some creature of the night.
I'd tighten it a bit, but it's a good image and worth running with.
I'm going to say Avadaru.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
My critique can be identified in the last line:
quote:The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
First, "The Dead Knight" as a name is mysterious, but not overly imaginative. "was come" is tense confusing. Was he coming or has he come. When I read it, I assumed, The Dead Knght had just arrived, but am not sure. "and she waited." Again, gold stars for mysterious but gramatically, not perfect.
This segment has the seeds of good storytelling, but they need to be polished a bit.
I am guessing DKW, only because I believe she would want to get her own writing out of the way quickly.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I wonder why there are loose papers lying around, waiting for the wind to pick up , in this church? Wouldn't bound books be more likely?
Tammy?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Now how rude would that be, to take advantage of my position and put my own writing first when so many wonderful authors are anxiously waiting to receive the helpful critique of our brilliant guessers?
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
I too got the impression that this may have been a piece written exlusively for this game, because it's working so hard to be mysterious and evocative. If I'm wrong about that, then this promises to be an interesting concept.
I find the phrase "perfect child" bothersome. First of all, on one level it's creepy--but that may just be my own hang-ups showing. But beyond that, it just doesn't really mean anything. What is a perfect child? Children aren't (usually) perfect . . . is this merely a way of saying this person is a child in every discernible way? That's the way it reads to me, but then "perfect" isn't the right word to use. Is this child literally "perfect" in some way? Physically flawless to the point of the bizarre? Omniscient? Then I need more explanation beyond the throw-away adjective.
I like the use of the simile, but I don't know that the adjective "enormous" quite fits the mood. Maybe "infinite" or "endless."
Do ancient churches have leaves of paper on the shelves? Is this like an abandoned church, a cathedral, or what?
quote:blowing the flickering of candles to and fro
Something about this turn of phrase doesn't do it for me. First of all, I think I get what the author is attempting to describe, but "blowing the flickering" sounds awkward to me. Also, the phrase "to and fro" brings whimsical connotations to my mind, and so it breaks the spell somewhat. You rock to and fro when you are singing Christmas carols, or standing on the deck of the Love Boat. I realize that "back and forth" or "side to side" may seem more banal, but then, sometimes the opposite of banal is cliché. "To and fro" seems out of place, but it seems like a "typical" phrase as well.
Is there some reason the author had to refer to the glass as "color-glass" and not "stained glass"? My only thought is that perhaps this is a different world where the phrase "stained glass" is unknown. But even this doesn't make sense to me . . . I would just use the phrase which readers are going to recognize. "Color-glass" seems awkward to me. Also, somehow (forgive me if this is weak), a hyphenated adjective breaks the fantasy atmosphere for me. It makes me think modern . . . I get the sense, and maybe the linguists here can tell me if I'm full of it or not, that hyphenated phrases have come into much more frequent use in the last century or so, and so they seem out of place in gothic fantasy (which is what I am assuming this to be).
Incidentally, most stained glass windows in churches cannot be opened--particularly in old churches. No reason this church can't be different, of course, but again, it made me think of modern window-fixtures. Maybe a bit more elaboration than simply saying they were opened to reinforce the timeless/archaic setting. For instance, instead of merely being open, they could be propped open with a stick. They're just as open as before, but now they are open in a specifically low-tech way.
Once again, there's nothing in this that specifically says it has to take place long ago, but even if this is some sort of Highlander-esque invasion of fantasy elements into the modern world, I would think only a pretty ancient church would be suitable for this event, neh?
I'm not sure how I feel about "slivery silhouette." I personally have a very pared-down style, and I don't use a lot of figurative language and alliteration and the like, but I know that some people think that's a wonderful thing to do. (Of course, I also tend to prefer reading the works of authors with a similar pared-down style, like Card and Asimov.) I'm trying to stand aside from my prejudices and judge whether this works or is forced on its own merits, but I'm not sure I can decide. (I think this is the same problem TomD is having with some of the descriptions.)
Dead Knight capitalized . . . hmm . . .
I assume "The Dead Knight was come . . ." was deliberate archaicism. I reckon it works, with the general caveat that when one throws in too many mood-setters, one runs the risk of slipping into cliché.
This night is already dark and cloudy. All we need is a few drops before it becomes stormy as well.
I think that this piece does an effective job of piquing interest in this character. We see that she is a person of importance, not because she is a "perfect child," but because the coming of this Dead Knight is being met with total equanimity. It's also quite vivid, to the point where I feel like buttoning my sweater as I read it . . . and I'm not even wearing one!
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
That was a no.
And no to rivka, too.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Darn simultaneous posts!
No to Dan. No to Rivka.
Not no to Icky, unless there was a guess in there somewhere that I missed.
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
Dang thread . . . hold still!
-o-
I'm not at all convinced that the author is female. I think that a lot of the things that are making people guess female are simply fantasy/gothic tropes. Could be female, could be male, don't know.
I do think the author is young.
I'm thinking somebody who likes animé, or comic books. This is all very visual.
How about asQmh?
Posted by Koryu (Member # 5922) on :
Hehe. I got guessed twice.
quote: The palest of moons peeked from the darkness in the sky behind the church, and with her back to it she faced the great ironwood doors as a slivery silhouette.
I somehow like the "palest of moons" phrase. It's impressive. But I think "slivery" is a typo, and if it's meant to be "silvery", I don't know that I understand quite what a silvery silhouette is. And are the doors open?
Again an argument about the Dead Knight. I think "was coming for her" would sound better, unless he is already there.
The author does seem young. But I don't know if it's strictly female...
My guess... Hmmm... Human, for some reason.
~Ryuko~
[ November 18, 2003, 11:47 AM: Message edited by: Koryu ]
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No and no.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote: The palest of moons peeked from the darkness in the sky behind the church, and with her back to it she faced the great ironwood doors . . .
Her back to what? The moon? The sky? The church?
I guess IndexCard.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Too much description for my taste. Most of it doesn't have enough impact on the characterization to really be needed, and it gets in the way. My mind's eye is trying to picture too many things at once. The wind coming in and the moon shining certainly add to the fullness of the scene, but you need to channel them better so they emphasize this woman. Because of who she is, this is how the wind and the moon interact with her, and this is why that interaction is important. Characterize her all the way through the paragraph. Make everything point out how special and interesting she is. Otherwise she comes off as a copy of a cliche female fantasy character, as has already been said.
However, I thought the style and sentence structures were handled well, very much like a good fantasy novel. And I did like the ideas for the woman.
On a totally unrelated note, I'll guess...mmm...ludosti.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
The word 'peeked' in the last couple lines weakens the mood.
imogen
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
I have to agree with Icarus: young is the key (and pretty impressive for a first draft). I also agree that much investment is being made for mood that doesn't advance the characterization. Good for a novel, not so good for a short story.
How about Sarcastic Muppet?
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
quote: There she stood at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child.
I like this sentence. It's a good opening sentence.
quote:There was a sadness in her eyes, a weight in them that was enormous like the sea.
As others have saidI think the wording here kind of hurts the meaning. I think I might combine the first two sentences into something like ". . . still a perfect child but for the sadness in her eyes, a weight as enormous as the sea."
quote:A light wind came through the open color-glass window and into the ancient church, scattering leaves of paper from shelves and blowing the flickering of candles to and fro.
Again, it's a little wordy and awkward. I would say something like "wind gusted through the open stained-glass window and into the ancient church, scattering leaves of paper from shelves and blowing the candle flames to and fro."
quote: The palest of moons peeked from the darkness in the sky behind the church, and with her back to it she faced the great ironwood doors as a slivery silhouette.
This sentence confuses me. She's inside the church, right? Wouldn't she only see the sky through the window? Why is the sky "behind" the church and not above it? Don't things usually peak from behind something, like clouds? Also, "slivery" isn't a word.
quote:The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
I'm assuming that the author is simply using the archaic "be + past participle" construction for intransitive verbs, whereas we now use "have" instead. I like it, but I think enough people are unfamiliar with it that they would misread it.
On the whole, I liked the imagery. I'm interested in reading more of this piece.
I'm going to make a stab in the dark and say saxon75.
[ November 18, 2003, 01:30 PM: Message edited by: Jon Boy ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
"There she stood at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning and still a perfect child. "
I'm going with a different storyline. I think she is a powerful enchantress that has to do battle with the Dead Knight to fulfill her destiny.
I think the flowery description was put in as a ploy and the fundamental message is a feminist one.
Therefore I guess Kayla
AJ
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Okay, Anna just brought an interpretation to the table. Historically, the first person to do that is often the author. So I guess Anna. Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Do you see my name on the list?
AJ
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
And since turn about is fair play I'm critiquing the critiquer
quote: Basically, it tries too hard to create an image. As such, it reads like one of those by-women-for-women fantasy historical novels, in which the guy the heroine falls for turns out to be some creature of the night.
This sounds exactly like something Tom Davidson is capable of writing particularly with the anime-ish tie-ins. So I think he is trying to throw people off the scent.
Guess II Tom Davidson
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
You're all wrong. And how did I leave Anna off the list!
*goes to fix list*
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
No. Something I wrote would probably sound like this:
quote: She waited at the stone altar, old beyond reckoning yet still a perfect child in seeming -- but for the deep, oceanic sadness of her eyes. She waited, the pale moon behind her throwing a fair silhouette against the great ironwood doors, as a light wind whistled through the open window and into the ancient church. It built; candles guttered, leapt, and died, and yellowed leaves of paper spun rustling across the stones.
The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
[ November 18, 2003, 02:18 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I have another guess, without critique (I'm lousy at critique for fiction though I'm pretty good at technical writing) but with rationale (I'm good at rationale). Maethoriell fits the young female profile and hasn't been guessed yet.
AJ
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Nope.
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I'm not sure whether the author is male or female. On this piece I think it could go either way. When I read color-glass window I assumed that the author couldn't remember the word stained-glass and that was somehow a stand-in until they could remember. I think the author is young, mainly because it seems as though he/she hasn't had much time to polish his/her writing skills. I'm going to randomly guess jeniwren.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by Tresopax (Member # 1063) on :
There's a sort of innocence to this passage. The phrase "perfect child" bugs me, although it could be the excellent depending on what sort of character the author is trying to convey. My issue is that it makes the child seem to be a passive character, almost like a doll in a dollhouse scene. It's certainly not the way the child would describe herself, if she is supposed to be the point of view character, which is what it sounds like in the latter half of the passage.
It sounds a bit like a parent who might be thinking of their daughter. I think this is what reminded me of Pooka's thread the other day, so I guess Pooka.
(Then again, though, this one is tricky. It seems like the sort of passage someone might contrive to fool us.)
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Regardless of the age, I think that it was dashed off quickly. It has the seeds of something greater, methinks. (By the way, I really enjoyed your "heavy edit" of the piece, Tom....)
Brinestone? I don't think I've had the pleasure of reading Brinestone's posts since I arrived here. So, what the heck I'll guess Brinestone.
Posted by Zalmoxis (Member # 2327) on :
FWIW, I agree with Jon Boy on the tense thing -- I like it. It makes the Dead Night's appearance seem more of an inevitable condition and less of an action -- a traveling across a space.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Hmm. Something about Tom's posts makes me think this might be Christy.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No.
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I think the whole perfect child and old beyond reckoning thing makes her seem timeless, like a fairy queen or sorcoress (why can't I spell today?). I liked the last sentence, and I think it fits well with the spooky, fantasy, ancient feel of the piece. As a completely random guess, I'll say beatnix19.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Based on eslaine's comments and his reaction to Tom's edit, I'm guessing eslaine.
Posted by Pericles (Member # 5943) on :
Did you write it...? You refer to this quote as something you would write...
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
If it is Christy, I can tell you already that I'm going to catch it when I get home.
[ November 18, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: TomDavidson ]
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
I still think somewhat young, someone who likes animé or comic books. I'm undecided on gender, but assuming this girl is the central character, someone who would use a female central character. I was thiking of guessing beatnix, but I had the impression from beatnix's other posts that the spelling and such isn't always as . . . er, standard as it is here. (I apologize if my impression is mistaken.)
So now I'm trying to think of people who have at least this much polish, and who have shown a penchant for the dark.
Hmm . . .
Morbo?
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
1) Is Eslaine on the list?
and
B) Who is Pericles guessing?
and
iii) Tom . . . huh?
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
eslaine, one of the great agonies of my life is the realization that I'm a much better editor than I am a writer. I lack sufficient imagination -- which would come as a surprise to my elementary school teachers, but probably no one else. *laugh*
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
By guessing, eslaine put himself on the list. Isn't that how the rules work?
Having said that, I imagine he's not the author. If he'd submitted something, he would have been on the list.
I didn't check the list.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
*groan*
You found two people in one round that should be on the list but aren't. And they're both early in the alphabet, which messes up my columns.
And everybody's guesses are wrong.
Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
Great . . . if I knew who Pericles was guessing, I could cross that person off of my list!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ic,
1) Nope, but so what?
B) Tom?
iii) I think he might have been responding to my guess.
I still think the author is most likely female. And I could see dkw deliberately starting off the second round with the author who finished off the last round. Just to throw us off.
Is it celia?
Posted by Pericles (Member # 5943) on :
TomDavidson
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Boy, need an outline, Tom?
This piece has the feel I've been in the mood for recently. Odd. I thought that I'd left the fantasy genre behind years ago....
What--I'm supposed to be on the list!?
In that case, I'll guess eslaine. Posted by Tresopax (Member # 1063) on :
As an aside commentary... although Tom's edit sounded more literary and professional, I actually prefered the original. The reason is that the edited version made me think about the writing/description itself more, and distracted me from the image the scene was making. It's sort of the same problem I had with parts of LotR.
Posted by Pericles (Member # 5943) on :
I know what you mean
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
eslaine: I have it on good authority that you didn't write this one.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Noes
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
Does anybody just happen to have a list of who's already been guessed?
Posted by Tresopax (Member # 1063) on :
Hmmm... this is tough. At this point whoever it has probably posted to try and throw us off.
How about Jaiden? Has she been guessed?
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
rivka's got an almost up-to-date list on page 1.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Oh, no no no, we're not allowed to do that.
Look on the first page of this thread, third post. Rivka's keeping a running list.
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I'm thinking the author is a youngish female, so... littlemissattitude?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I still think female. Teshi?
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
First off, I like the imagery, very dark fantasy true, but that's not a bad thing.
I agree with what people were saying about the flickering being blown, maybe the flame is blowing or the light is flickering...
quote: great ironwood doors
Iron or Wood? This seems like a contradiction.
"For instance, instead of merely being open, they could be propped open with a stick. They're just as open as before, but now they are open in a specifically low-tech way." - Megachirops
Either that or they could be broken... in a really old church the glass could be shattered by time and weather and that would maybe add to the sense of darkness, to have broken windown that is.
Sorry, that probably isn't very readable, I'm not feeling very comprehensible today. My guess Jaiden just 'cuz Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to everyone.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
quote: weight in them that was enormous like the sea
This similie bugs me because the sea is enormous, but doesn't really carry much wieght. It's not, to put it scientifically, very massive. It seems like the point of the similie changed as the sentance progressed: From the weight, to enormous, to something enormous, but not necessarily heavy.
quote: slivery silhouette.
Silvery, or I get a really cool image of slithery silhouettes.
quote: The Dead Knight was come for her, and she waited.
The use of was here is "historical writing" (somebody had a name for it, but I don't) but although "the Dead Knight was come for her" works, the "and she waited" confuses tenses. I can't think of a tense that would work. It might be better to put: "She waited. The Dead Knight was come for her."
Nice description!
Random Guess...Rivka
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
Something about the wording of the passage just doesn't sit well on this reader's ear. It has the stroke and swish of fantasy, but it's just a bit overwrought. It needs a bit of editing and trimming down.
I really don't have an idea, so I will guess Twinky .
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Hmm, running low on likely females. So I need to guess an UNlikely female, or . . . ?
Pat?
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Dragon, ironwood is a type of very hard wood.
Posted by Scythrop (Member # 5731) on :
quote: Um. . .Scythrop? How 'young' do you think I am? I mean, compared to such mummies as Bob_Scopatz, or Claudia Therese I AM young. . . but I'll be 29 on Thursday. I'm no spring chicken.
Sorry Scott - It was a pretty much random guess and looking for a male was about my only criterion; I'm still a newbie and am working out ages of different people as I go.
That said, you're still younger than me...
And as it's not you then...how about Filleted??
BTW: Happy Birthday for tomorrow.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
It sounds to me like the author is someone who hasn't written much, but has read a lot, likely a lot of fantasy. He is probably young and a little unsure of his writing style. I say he, but I'm not really sure of the author's sex; I could easily see a young author of either sex writing this.
It seems like there's a good story in there. There's a lot of backstory begging to come out. If my guess is correct and this is a new writer, a little practice is all that's required to become a more comfortable author, and then there should be no impediment to a great story. The ideas are obviously already there.
My guess: Julie.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to everyone.
Posted by saxon75 (Member # 4589) on :
Hmmm...
Gottmorder. Same reasons.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Same reasoning as before. Shlomo?
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I guess Tresopax. Just because.
Posted by Julie (Member # 5580) on :
I guess Amka because she hasn't been guessed yet.
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
Thanks Jon Makes more sense now.
What about Flyby?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
No to all.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Ok, maybe it IS a female author.
Jenny Gardener?
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
Well, I'm not much of a critiquer, but I will say that "blowing the flickering of candles to and fro." confused me a bit.
Going with the young and female bit, I'll guess Annie.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Ok... I guess Noemen because
No-one's picked him yet
and
I think maybe we're all wrong on the female author tack
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
nonono
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
In that case, my next guess is :Locke. Quite frankly, because he said he turned something in. Does that count for a reason or do I get negative ten?
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
You get positive five. Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
Yay!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
Just stop it rivka! Posted by Megachirops (Member # 4325) on :
You know, I thought of :Locke, but I rejected it because this wasn't absurdist enough.
*shrug*
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
I'm throwing out a second guess - Advice for Robots - because of the comment made on page 2. Just seems kind of suspicious.
Unless :Locke was a correct guess. Wasn't sure if that was the meaning behind the points discussion.
[ November 19, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: beatnix19 ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
to elaine. If I want to mutter bitterly, I will -- so there!
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Ding, Ding?
I guess it was Locke:
<laughs> I can't believe nobody guessed Locke: earlier (Iwouldn't have), after the comments on the previous thread. Wait, did you delete all that stuff or am I going mad? Or both?
Way to play us, dkw. Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Okay...I missed my chance to guess, I guess, but here's a critique for what it's worth:
"There she stood" is too weak a beginning. "She stood" would be better, I think.
Is the stone altar old beyond reckoning, or the woman/girl? A quibble. Sorry.
"the flickering of candles" bothered me. I guess I would've phrased it differently.
The mood is dark & foreboding. I could maybe wish for some different choices of adjectives. Like, instead of "a light wind" (which uses the word light in an otherwise "dark" passage) you might use something like "a faltering wind" OH I DON'T KNOW. Maybe play with it a bit and see if you can't find some other adjectives that line up better with the moood of the piece??
Bob
I guess whoever it was that wrote it.
Posted by :Locke (Member # 2255) on :
Wow.
I feel like I should say that it was just about this time in November when I began to stop even lurking, and was fully detatched from Hatrack. I had no idea that this thread existed. I was even more suprised to find that one of my pieces was up here, and even more surprised after that to find that people though I was a woman-- not that I'm offended, or anything. I'm sorry I didn't answer to this thread to confirm, but, like I said, I wasn't even aware that it was here.
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