My visiting nephew thinks I am the wittiest person in the world.
He asked me, "What's brown and Sticky."
I answered, "A Stick" and he laughed for 10 minutes.
So I asked him, "What do you call a fish with no eyes?--a Fsssshhhhh"
He laughed for 10 more minutes.
SO I asked him, "What did the blind fish say when he hit a wall? Dam!"
He laughed for 2 hours.
Now I need more to maintain my witty reputation. Help!
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Why does the ocean roar?--- You'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom.
If an elephant swallowed you, how would you get out?--- Run around and around inside his stomach until you get all pooped out.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
Why did the old man throw peanut butter out the window? He wanted to see a Butterfly
Why did the old man throw a clock out the window? He wanted to see time fly
There are two olives on a tree. One falls off. The first one asks is he is ok. The second answers "Olive."
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
How do you make an elephant float? A: 5000 gallons of root beer, 1000 gallons of ice cream, and one elephant.
Why was the elephant carrying a VW? A: Because his Cadillac was in the shop.
Posted by dantesparadigm (Member # 8756) on :
Two muffins were in the oven, and one muffin turns to the other and says "man its hot in here." and then the other one says "HOLY SH*T, a talking muffin!"
Posted by theCrowsWife (Member # 8302) on :
Knock, knock. Who's there? Cash. Cash who? I knew you were some kind of nut.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Andy Green.
Andy Green who?
Andy Green grass grows all around all around, andy green grass grows all around.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c-
MOOO!
What's green and pointy?
Grass.
What's green and pointy and has eighteen wheels?
Still grass- I was lying about the wheels.
Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :
Q: Why is it not a good idea to go into the jungle between two and four p.m.? A: Because that's when the elephants are jumping out of the trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short? A: They go into the jungle between two and four p.m.
Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? A: To stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? A: To stamp out burning ducks.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Just start buying Laffy Taffy. You will get all the kid-sized corny jokes you need...
FG
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
What is the gooey stuff between elephant's toes? Slow pygmies.
Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
I would like to state for the record: Ew.
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
I don't know how old he is, but..
Q. What's green and tries to take over the world? A. Snazis!
That's my second favourite joke, the stick joke taking first.
Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :
How do you catch a unique rabbit? You neek up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way! You neek up on it!
This was my crazy mother-in-laws first attempt at entertainment at the dinner table at Thanksgiving. The second was teach my 2-year-old that she didn't have to use a fork since it taste better with her fingers.
Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
quote:Originally posted by Sterling: Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c-
MOOO!
What's green and pointy?
Grass.
What's green and pointy and has eighteen wheels?
Still grass- I was lying about the wheels.
A great follow-up to the interrupting cow joke is this:
Knock-Knock. Who's there? Interrupting starfish! Interrupting star- *stick your hand over their face*
That one always cracked me up.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
I just did that one to my little brothers. They cracked up.
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Knock knock Who's there? Madam Madam who? Madam Fingers stuck in the door!
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I still must be a kid because I find such jokes to be hilarious.
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Hehe, I cracked up solely from imagining the "starfish" one! Posted by stacey (Member # 3661) on :
how do you catch a squirril? climb up a tree and act like a nut
what do you call a boomerang that won't come back? a stick
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
-cries- I love stick jokes...
Posted by Speed 2: Cruise Control (Member # 6765) on :
Q: Why did the scientist put a knocker on his door? A: He wanted to win the no-bell prize.
Q: Why do seagulls fly toward the ocean? A: Because if they flew toward the bay, they'd be bay-gulls.
Q: Did you hear about the new pirate movie? A: It's rated arrrr.
Q: What do you call an Irishman who sits on the porch all day? A: Paddy O'Furniture.
Posted by Human (Member # 2985) on :
Well, in the vein of some previous jokes, here's one for physics geeks.
Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting co-- MU!
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
Mr Funny, I commend you on the starfish joke. It gave me a much needed laugh.
Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
Human, I am too much of a geek. That made me laugh embarrassingly hard. I'm stealing and sharing it right now.
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
what do you call a cow with two legs?
lean beef.
what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
What's big and yellow and will kill you if it falls out of a tree on you?
A bulldozer.
Posted by MomoPhiy (Member # 8715) on :
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey.
Posted by dantesparadigm (Member # 8756) on :
How do you get a hundred dead babies into a bucket?
smash them into it.
How do you get them out?
doritos.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
A man and a woman were driving down a country road when a large rabbit dashed out in front of their car. Unable to swerve in time, the car hit the rabbit. The couple stopped and got out, and found the little animal was dead. The woman said, "Hold it, I can take care of this." She got a can from her purse and sprayed the rabbit, who immediately hopped up and dashed away. As he moved away, though, every few feet, he turned back and waved at the couple.
The man, baffled, grabbed the can. On it, he read, "Hair spray: Restores life to hair; adds permanent wave."
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog? A: A toothbrush.
Q: What present do you buy for a man with only one hand? A: A gift certificate to the second-hand store.
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
Want to hear a dirty joke? A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
How do you know when it's raining cats and dogs? If you step in a poodle.
What's the difference in an elephant and a carton of eggs? You don't know? I guess we won't be sending you to the store!
Posted by K.T. (Member # 8665) on :
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on your doorstep? A: Matt
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on the wall? A: Art
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs under your car? A: Jack
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water? A: Bob
Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in your mailbox? A: Bill
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
bump because I told the starfish joke to my boyfriend and he laughed for at least 20 minutes.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
What's big and red and eats rocks? A big red rock eater.
What's ripply and green and lives on the bottom of the sea? Moby Pickle
What's round and purple and conquered the world? Alexander the Grape
Posted by Beanny (Member # 7109) on :
quote:Originally posted by MomoPhiy: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? It was stapled to the first monkey.
Oh my God... *stops screaming with laughter*
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
What's Dracula's favorite movie? The Vampire Strikes Back.
Posted by jennabean (Member # 8590) on :
Where does the king keep his armies?
In his sleevies!!
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
How do you shoot a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a pink elephant? Hold his nose till he turns blue, than shoot him with the blue elephant gun.
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in a ditch?
Phil
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging above a window?
Curt 'n' Rod
Okay, I'm done with those kind.
Q: You know how when geese fly south for the winter, one side of the V is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is?
A: No.
Q: There are more geese on that side.
And the classic?
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs is the same.
(This one's sure to get lots of laughs out of a young person.)
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Why did the elephant wear green sneakers? He wanted to hide in the tall grass.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pineapple.
Pineapple who?
Pineapple. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pineapple.
Pineapple who?
Pineapple. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I ran out of pineapples?
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
My kids love that one and never tier of it. Posted by Son_of_a_Potato_Sack (Member # 8889) on :
quote: Two muffins were in the oven, and one muffin turns to the other and says "man its hot in here." and then the other one says "HOLY SH*T, a talking muffin!"
I always heard that:
Two talking muffins are sitting in an oven. One looks at the other and says, "You got a glass of water?"
The other looks back and says, "Whoa, a talking muffin!"
My favorites are:
Two bears are in a hot tub. One looks at the other and says, "Could you pass the soap?"
The other looks back and says, "What do you think I am, a pancake?"
or
Q: Why did Batman cross his legs?
A: 'Cuz he had to go pee!
or
Q: Why did Tigger have his head in the toilet?
A: 'Cuz he was looking for poo!
or
What is that one about the animals having an animal meeting? Something about giraffes being in a refrigerator or something.
Posted by Onanism Thread (Member # 8525) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dragon: what do you call a cow with two legs?
lean beef.
what do you call a cow with no legs?
ground beef.
Q: What do you call a cow engaged in the act of onanism?
A: Beef Stroganoff
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
quote:Originally posted by mr_porteiro_head: My kids love that one and never tier of it.
How many tiers? Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a grape? A: I don't know. Punchline: Well, I'm certainly never sending you out for a bunch of grapes, then!
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
I don't get the bear/pancake or the batman ones. Are they supposed to be like my duck joke?
Q: What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
A: Udder destruction.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter?
An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
quote:Originally posted by Brinestone: Q: What do you call a cow jumping over a barbed wire fence?
A: Udder destruction.
That's one I never heard before, and it made me laugh out loud. Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
I seem to recall that a nephew of mine thought this old standby was hilarious when he first heard it:
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.
Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Posted by BGgurl (Member # 8541) on :
Q: What do you call a brownie that wakes up on the wrong side of the bed? A: A frownie!
And some appalling Thanksgiving jokes, complements of my family.
Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted? A: Boy! I'm stuffed!
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey? A: They suspected it of fowl play.
Q: Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? A: To keep his wigwam.
Q: What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? A: turKEY!
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Why did the squirrel cross the road?
He was stapled to a chicken!
My son's favorite:
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because 7 8 9! (say it out loud)
My son's other favorite (even though he doesn't get it):
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish!
I think he likes that one because it cracks me up. Every. D@mn. Time. Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
I love that joke, jexx! I've heard a couple of different versions, too:
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
- two. One to paint the girraffe mauve, and the other to put the clocks in the bathtup
OR
-to get to the other side.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
My goodness, what have I started?
Stay away from the Chicken/Road jokes, or we'll have to bring up THAT THREAD.
Posted by dantesparadigm (Member # 8756) on :
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, one to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins
Posted by BGgurl (Member # 8541) on :
Q: How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb, and two to come to your door and ask if you've seen the light.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
![[Grumble]](graemlins/grumble.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)