Single again. Well, I wasn't actually not single, but it was going to be. She waits till after we are engaged and she's pregnant to tell me all that she just got done telling me. All I could say was that I would like to make this work, but there was no way I could change her mind. Oh, she's still going to bring the kid to term, she's just going to give it up for adoption. Don't worry, I'll be back on the playground in no tinme. I have this habit of dealing with pit falls like this. I just brain dump the fact that it ever happened. I've done it before, I'll do it again.
[ September 05, 2006, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Stan the man ]
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Tough stuff. I hope it works out.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
I'd do the ((((Stan)))) thing, but I don't know you that well, so let's say that [[[[Stan represents the masculine equivilant: I clap you on the shoulder, say "damn, that SUCKS!" and pay for your first six shots.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
Oy.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Oh, my gosh.
Do fathers not have some legal rights? Or are you okay with the giving your child up for adoption thing?
Wow.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
As far as the baby is concerned. I work 5 - 7 days a week right now. My hours fluctuate on no notice. This is just for the next 3 years. After that I will be going out to sea for a few weeks or months. I don't see how I can be there for the kid. I would want too, but I can't devote the time it would require.
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
Wow. I'm so sorry Stan. Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out in the end.
Posted by Krankykat (Member # 2410) on :
"she's just going to give it up for adoption.'
"I don't see how I can be there for the kid... I can't devote the time it would require."
Birth control would have been a viable alternative.
Selfishness leads to another child living their life wondering they were unwanted by the birth mom and dad.
Posted by Soara (Member # 6729) on :
quote:Originally posted by Krankykat: "she's just going to give it up for adoption.'
"I don't see how I can be there for the kid... I can't devote the time it would require."
Birth control would have been a viable alternative.
Selfishness leads to another child living their life wondering they were unwanted by the birth mom and dad.
And that would lead to another child living their life dead.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by Krankykat: "she's just going to give it up for adoption.'
"I don't see how I can be there for the kid... I can't devote the time it would require."
Birth control would have been a viable alternative.
Selfishness leads to another child living their life wondering they were unwanted by the birth mom and dad.
Ah, compassion in hours of adversity is such a beautiful thing to see! So much better than using someone's misfortune as a soap box.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
quote:Originally posted by Soara: And that would lead to another child living their life dead.
Huh?
Posted by Krankykat (Member # 2410) on :
eros:
I would suppose you are refering to the misfortune of the unwanted child?
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
The child was not unwanted at the time. We wanted it. Now that she is ending it, she doesn't. At least she's not aborting it. I'll check in some options and maybe take the kid, but I can't see how it'll work out.
Posted by TheHumanTarget (Member # 7129) on :
KrankyKat,
You have no concept of what he's going through right now, nor any knowledge of the events that have led to this point, yet you find it necessary to snipe at him about birth control, and lament the "unwanted" child's misfortune.
One day you'll find yourself in need of support and comfort and I hope that you're met with the same level of arrogance and condescension that you've shown here.
You disgust me.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
I'm going in to get the ring back today. I'm going to see if maybe it's just that she's scared or if it's the hormones talking. Either way I'm going to let her know that the door is still open for her to come back...for a little while. Too much in life to waste waiting for one person who may never come.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Good luck, Stan. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.
Posted by Krankykat (Member # 2410) on :
humanT:
I suppose if one comes to a public forum for "support and comfort" they may become a "human target."
Call me arrogant, condescending and disgusting, but I have little sympathy adults who procreate and then decide the child is an inconvenience. A major responsibility comes when making babies. As a middle school teacher of many years I have seen too many children with major problems do to the selfishness of their "parents." Children need "support and comfort" most of all.
Stan: I honestly hope you work this situation out. I hope you both reconcile, get married and have a happy and productive life with wonderful children. I may be considered arrogant, condescending and disgusting, but I am trying to point out the reality of the situation as I see it. I will keep you in my prayers.
Andrew
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Just about every adopted person I know feels incredibly wanted. Yes, they have some identity struggles, but they also have loving homes. (Obviously I can't speak for everyone--Krankykat, were you by any chance adopted and hence the strong feelings?) I don't really think that Stan's allowing the mother to put the child up for adoption is a selfish decision here. Would the child really have a better life without a mother and neglected by his/her father? I think it's the rare father who can be a good full-time single dad.
Posted by vonk (Member # 9027) on :
That really sucks Stan. I hope you and her can work it out. Maybe she's worried that you will leave her some day and she's trying to prevent that by leaving you before it gets too serious. Girls are crazy that way.
It's a good idea to let her know that she can still come back to you, to reassure her that you won't leave when things get difficult. But, like you said, not for too long. After a while, waiting becomes more painful than it's worth.
If it does ultimately come to adoption, I am positive that you can find a good family to raise your child. The options are a lot better now. I'm sure you already know, but just in case, open adoption is an excellent option. It provides a much better opportunity for the child to develop a happy life with a good understanding of where he/she came from. In many cases you can remain in contact with the child, and work closely with the adopted parents on raising the child.
Anyways, like I said, I'm sure you already know about all of that, but, regardless of what anyone says, adoption does not have to be an entirely negative experience, nor one that you should feel guilty about. It is a viable option that gives couples that can't have children the most beautiful gift in the world.
krankykat: ditto what HumanTarget said.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
I'm just not getting any clear reasons on why she is walking out. An then, today I get the ring back, and I don't even rank a goodbye. I asked if there was any way we could work this out and I got a very curt "no".
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:eros:
I would suppose you are refering to the misfortune of the unwanted child?
Your deliberate obtuseness only serves to highlight what a terrible excuse for a human being you are.
Stan, I wish I had something better to say than "I'm sorry."
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
As a suprise factor, I'm not feeling too bad on this. Yeah, I'll miss her in a couple of days, but really, it's the bitterness that's keeping me from being all mushy upset about it. Not ranking a goodbye, and she gets upset because I didn't call for 2 days when I was home (she had already decided to end us before then, but didn't tell me). Imagine how my Father's day went, and then to now. I'll give her time, but I don't expect anything. I'm repeating myself I know.
KK, it's ok. I would agree completely with you. However, she told me one night she wanted a baby, and poof, one is conceived. Now she doesn't want to keep it because it will hinder her going to college. BS, for some part, but she refuses to listen to me. She actually ignores me.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
KK-I don't care who's parent you are, you are being an ass.
Posted by Krankykat (Member # 2410) on :
Thanks Stan.
If I seemed to be using you for a whipping boy, I apologize. My remarks were intended to look at your situation in the bigger picture. If I was in your situation I would be devastated. I hope the best for you.
Andrew
Posted by jebus202 (Member # 2524) on :
What a ho.
Posted by airmanfour (Member # 6111) on :
quote:Originally posted by jebus202: What a ho.
Agreed.
Stan - I'm glad you're taking this as well as you seem to be. I'm sure you'll do what you think is best for all concerned. I have faith in that.
Posted by Celaeno (Member # 8562) on :
Stan, I'm so sorry to hear about this. I wish you the best of luck.
And I prefer being bitter to being mushy upset because it's more easily controllable. I hope it works out for you.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
KK....right or wrong, I went too far there as well. I should have not gone off on you, even though I strongly disagreed with you bringing those points up at this time.
I am sorry.
I won't delete my previous point though, because I feel that would be dishonest of me. If you would , and for that I am sorryprefer I remove it, I will, of course, but barring that it will stay.
I have had some personal experiences with people "trying" to help by saying insensitive things to me at exactly the wrong time, so that is part of why I overreated. It made me angry far out of proportion, I guess.
I expect better of me, even if nobody else does.
Kwea
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Stan, that sucks. I hope you get come through this well. Bad stuff going on. I was going to suggest couples counseling, but it doesn't sound like she has much interest. I hope you have a good support network around you.
Other people: Come on. This is a person having a hard time of things. Start another thread if you want to debate.
Where's your perspective? Real person's feelings vs. abstract debate. Pick a side.
Posted by Krankykat (Member # 2410) on :
Don't worry Kwea. You said just about the nicest thing of anybody about me in this thread.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
I have to drop off a cd of hers that is still in my truck today. I'm going to try again. I went out last night and for all my "I'll be right back on my feet", everyone knew something wasn't right.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
Well, if there is anything positive in this at all, it might be that at least the break-up is happening before more factors are brought into the picture.
I mean, when I got pregnant, I got married even though I had grave reservations about doing so, and it was rocky all the way through. But we had two MORE kids (three total) before everything totally broke down and the marriage collapsed.
While I can't imagine life without my three wonderful kids now -- I know there were times past that I wondered if it would have been smarter to have called the whole thing off before the marriage, and been the single parent of ONE child, than to try to force it to work and ended up being the single parent of three.
My thoughts are with both you, and her, Stan.
FG
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
I dropped some more of her stuff off tonight. We are back to speaking. Well, better put would be she is back to speaking with me. We decided that we would try to give it another chance. See how things work out. I still think her pregnancy has a lot to do with how she's acting, but after our talk tonight she agreed that I deserve an honest chance at a shot of making things work out between us.
I couldn't believe it today. I was in Mass. on my way to Connecticut (moving into new place, that we picked out) and I had the radio tuned into an 80's station. I was almost completely in tears after two of the songs they played. I pulled out of it quick, but I was trying to avoid that whole thing.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Oh.
Thank you all for your support.
edited for spelling...I thupid
[ June 24, 2006, 11:21 PM: Message edited by: Stan the man ]
Posted by airmanfour (Member # 6111) on :
Awesome dude! I'm glad you two are going to try to makes things work.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Good luck, Stan. I know you probably don't want to push your luck at this point, but do try to get her to tell you what was going on, and why she wanted to break up. That kind of behavior is not something you want to just ignore.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
She's on a probationary period right now because she doesn't always tell the truth over the phone. Oh, I let her know how I felt about that. She knows the sacrifices I have made so far for her and she has apologized about how it all has turned up with that. She still needs to grow up a bit and learn that she too has to make a sacrifice here and there in life.
I hope it works out, yes. However, if it doesn't there is a nice girl in RI that would like to meet me. I'm afraid that I have to turn down her request for the time being. When I asked my exfiance for an honest chance at us, I expect myself to give her that as well.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Stan...I would wait on that, even if it doesn't work out with your girlfriend now. I know that you want to "pretend it didn't happen" so to speak, but no one can be ready to move on so quickly....not completely.
Any new person you get involved with is going to have to deal wiht a lot of baggage, even if you don't realize it now. Let time pass, and heal a bit.
Any new girl you would get involved with deserves at least that much respect..as do you yourself.
Best of luck, and I agree with ELJay-find out, as best you can, WHY she went off like that.
Also, don't let her see that "probationary" comment.
Ever.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Oh, I was going to wait a while anyway.
As far as her reading any comments on this board...I have no fear. Besides the fact that she does not have a membership to this board. She won't bother because the lettering is too small for her to want to, and there are too many of them. She would close it as soon as she opened it.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
That wasn't really my point.
You DO know the font changes sizes with the mouse, right? The little wheel on the mouse, it you have one with that key.
In Explorer it does..in Firefox it is Control-wheel.
Posted by Jeni (Member # 1454) on :
quote: Now she doesn't want to keep it because it will hinder her going to college. BS, for some part, but she refuses to listen to me. She actually ignores me.
So it's acceptable for you to decide a child wouldn't fit in your life right now, but when she is looking out for her future, it's BS?
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Stan, I'm happy to hear that things look better. I would re-suggest the couples counseling. Having someone outside the relationship help you communicate better with one another can make a huge difference.
Good luck. I hope it works out for the best.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Jeni. Let me make things a bit clearer for you then. She wants to give baby up for adoption because it would get "in the way" of her getting her college stuff and a real job. She wasn't really going to leave me much choice. Mind you, all she really has to do is list "unkown" for the father. 'Course if she had given me an earlier shot at what we are doing now, this debate wouldn't really be here. She mixed that all in the original reasons she was leaving me. In which she was/is just scared. She doesn't believe she can have a job and go to college with the kid around. It's very possible to do so. One of the guys I used to work with, his wife does that.
MC, I would go for something like that. However, I am moving to CT tonight. She's staying in NY. I will be calling and driving back whenever I can. Which will end up being a weekend here and there.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Nevermind, she's not sure about it right now. we are going to wait and then see about trying again. I'm reading a no in this. I talked to her today, she says she contemplated letting me take care of the child. However, she doesn't want it growing up with a dad and mother split up like this. So she wants me to sign my rights over. I told her to give me time to think about it.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
For this to have any chance, you have to phrase it as a suggestion/request, not an ultimatum. But if you're sure you don't want to try to raise the child by yourself, you could try asking her to give couple's counseling an honest try, and say that if after a set amount of time it's still not working out you'll agree to sign your rights over. You can't make it a "the only way I'll sign my rights over is if you'll do this" thing, though, because I don't think the counseling would do any good if she feels like she's blackmailed into being there.
*note: my opinion only, and I don't have any education on the subject, if someone who does comes in and says it's a bad idea anyway, I'll happily defer to them.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
Wow, Stan, I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. I wish you the best.
Posted by vonk (Member # 9027) on :
Wow, that's tough. I don't know how I'd feel about signing away my rights to a child that I helped create. I know it's her body and all, but that doesn't make the child her possession. I dunno, I guess I just can't jive with the whole I-don't-want-to-raise-it-and-I-don't-want-you-to-either attitude. It seems like if the child is going to be born and one parent doesn't want to raise it, it is completely w/in the rights of the other parents to take control.
I dunno, not being in your shoes, I obviously don't know the exact situation, but still... I don't think I could do it.
As far as a trade of is concerned (you go to counseling with me and I'll sign my rights away), it seems like a dishonest person could use this to get what they wanted with no intent to make good use of counseling. I don't know the girl in question, so I'm not accusing anyone, just throwing out a possibility.
In conclusion: That sucks. :pat on the back:
[ June 26, 2006, 04:29 PM: Message edited by: vonk ]
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Yeah, that's why I said to only do it if he decided and was sure he didn't want to raise the child on his own, because it's not a sure thing.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
My friend Matt is willing to help me where he can. I swear, if he wasn't around these past few days, I'd have gone nuts.
Posted by vonk (Member # 9027) on :
If it were me, I'd be comatose at the bottom of an economy size bottle of Maker's Mark by now. You are obviously much stronger than I am.
Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
quote:I dunno, I guess I just can't jive with the whole I-don't-want-to-raise-it-and-I-don't-want-you-to-either attitude. It seems like if the child is going to be born and one parent doesn't want to raise it, it is completely w/in the rights of the other parents to take control.
I understand where you're coming from, and it certainly is within their rights. But I have had some experience with this. The mother and father were not staying together, and the mother very strongly wanted the child to have the best chance of growing up in a loving two-parent family. She didn't want to raise the child alone but she didn't want it raised by a single father either. It wasn't a matter of not wanting him to have his child, but of wanting the child to have the best possible future.
I know that's contrary to what a lot of people believe. Some believe that giving up a child for adoption is selfish, and that it's better for the child to stay with a single biological parent than to be given up to married adoptive parents. I'm not here to argue that opinion. I just want to point out that it's possible for the mother to honestly feel that this is best for the child, without having selfish or vindictive motives for asking the father to give up his rights.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Well, I talked to her parents today. I stopped to drop some used motor oil for the horse fence (keeps the horse from chewing on the fence). Her dad asked to talked to me as he had no clue what was going on. I really don't know either, but we sat and chatted. Her mom came home a little while later. Both love their daughter, but were very supportive of me as well. We're going to have some tests done before things get too far. Even though we know, we just want to be 100%. The rest is like a soap opera, and not worth going into right now. Needless to say it makes me quite a bit more bitter than before.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Hope things keep progressing Stan. Don't sign away your rights unless you feel that it's best for you and the child. I honestly don't see how that would be any benefit to the child.
Maybe I'm missing something, but if you two do decide to give the child up for adoption, you having visitation rights seems like it would be positive.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Best of luck either way, Stan.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Well, things are really bad right now. The train backed up on me this past saturday. Some old guy without a license hit my father on his motorcycle and drove off. There were enough witnesses that the cops were able to nab the little &!%#. My sister was with him. Both are doing fine. My sister had a broken elbow and a broken leg. My dad had a few broken ribs, ruptured spleen, a leg broken in 5 places, and various other injuries.
As far as my life: ex and I have not gotten back together yet, but I have my doubts on whether or not I would take her back anyway. I know I hold some blame in this whole thing, but she isn't accepting any. However, I think more of her each and every day. She called 2 sundays ago to tell me that her pregnancy is going really rough (they all aren't easy), and that she is going to talk to her doctor about an abortion. I don't agree with this, but what am I supposed to do? Tell her she has to do it anyway? I was going to take custody of the child myself, and my family was helping me out with it.
Other than that, things are great. I have no internet at my place yet. I am using a friend's now.
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
(((Stan)))
I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish that you and your ex could sit down and have an open, honest talk about the future. From what I'm seeing of her actions, it almost sounds like she's decided she's not ready to parent - first adoption then considering an abortion because the pregnancy isn't easy seems kind of "off", you know?
I hope you and she can work something out that's positive for all three of you.
Sorry about your dad and sister; hope they're on the mend soon.
space opera
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
I knew she was going to talk to her doctor. I called last Monday and she said she had already had it. I have been talking to quite a few people over there recently and I guess I brought out her true colors. She's a psychpath (sp?). I have nothing for her now. I could never take her back after all this anyway now. I put up with more than my fair share at work, I don't need it on the home front. Even her friends haven't called her in over a month. I don't normally want people to be miserable, but I believe I can make an exception in this case.
Dad and sis are doing fine. Surgeries are done. Sis is home and dad is expected home later this week. I'm going to have to have a sit down with dad. He won't be able to work for almost a year, and mom doesn't make a whole lot being a lunch lady and all. I forsee having to be there for more than just moral support.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
I'm so sorry, Stan.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Life happens. I actually owe a debt to my ex. Since she has left I have found a burst of confidence in myself that I didn't have before. I haven't rode the roller coaster of emotions for two weeks now. I've usually been confident of myself, but now I actually show it more these days. It's a noticeable difference. Anyway, I am at work and should get going now. I get my internet at the house this afternoon.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Stuff is easier said than done. She wants to try and repair our love. I don't know if I should. She lied to me, can I believe her again? I sent her an e-mail to give her an honest think to herself if she can either.
quote: You say you want to repair your love for me. I ask only one question, and this song asks it. You say I wasn't there for you, but I was there for you up to the point you left me. Then I was in such a roller coaster of emotions, I didn't know what I was doing. You stated that you only trust yourself, which means you never trusted me. I don't know how you can say you love someone if that is true. I had absolute trust in you (which means I never ever questioned). I had absolute faith and belief in you. You shattered that trust. You tore that faith. But somehow I still believe.
So I ask you to listen to this song and tell me if I should try again, or if am I asking too much. With god as my witness, I hope I am not asking too much.
I attached a song to this e-mail. It is Travis Tritt's "Can I Trust You With My Heart."
'Course this reminds me of another song: "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" by the Carpenters
Posted by Ophelia (Member # 653) on :
I think you should stay away from her. She doesn't seem like a good partner (understatement), and you don't need the complications she brings to your life. Seriously, run.
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