Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The prologue to my novel

This is topic The prologue to my novel in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Straws (Member # 1559) on :

It's a science fiction story, based off of my love of classic B movies. This prologue was originally a quick short story, so it can also be read as such.

“What’s happening? Where am I? I can’t see anything. I can’t hear anything. I can’t even feel anything. Was I in an accident? Yes, yes I think I was. Maybe this is a dream then. But if it’s a dream, how can I think so clearly? I guess I must have died. Strange, I always imagined more. Or did I? All I can do is think, but I can’t remember anything that happened to me before now. My memory’s clear, I can still remember the histories of Earth, our scientific achievements, our advanced mathematics, everything. But no memory of me. Is that what happens when you die? Your mind goes blank? I wonder what the point to living was. All I have is useless information. And that might fade some day too. Then I’ll be completely alone. Just my general feelings. I don’t think those will change, though. I hate this and that’ll probably never change. Even if I go insane it won’t matter. Not like I can do anything out of the ordinary. No point to insanity if you can’t even act it out. Not even against myself! I wish I at least had my memories to keep me comfort. Instead I’ve just got emptiness. Perfect silence. Perfect darkness. The perfect invalid. I wonder why people seek perfection at all now. It’s just a lot of pain. Well, not even that really. I wish I could feel pain. Just a tingle. Enough to tell me this is real and help me accept it. It’s like a bad dream. With no obvious end or beginning. Why couldn’t there just be an end?

Note from Kathleen:

Please keep postings of story text down to the first thirteen lines.

Thank you.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 07, 2003).]

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

The "voice" chosen is a little...annoying after only a few sentances. And it makes transitioning to dialogue, which you apparently do at the end of the passage, a bit problematic.

I like the concept a little, though it would make more sense if the rambling were tied more closely to the data available to the AI.

Posted by DeviantOperant (Member # 1548) on :

Yes, the voice is pretty tiring and altogether unwieldy.

I also think that you should explain the loss of memory more clearly (STM or LTM, just explain).

Also, the first few sentences could be all summed up in a few words, I think these openers (the most important part!) are weak and restated too much.

Please take this as constructive critisism, sorry if I sounded a bit harsh.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

Oh, he explains essentially what's going on at the end, where it turns out the POV is an AI that hasn't had a full personality core implemented and sensory equipment turned on prior to instantiation of the AI. Kathleen cut that part though--it used to be longer.

Posted by Straws (Member # 1559) on :

Heh, I guess I should have more thouroughly checked posting limitations beforehand. Yeah, I myself admit to not enjoying rereading the incessant babbling of the AI, but I unfortunately couldn't think up any alternatives that were realistic. This confirms my thesis. Looks like I've got some work to do.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

You could recast the voice as third person rather than first person, and have some abstract language rather than just stream of consciousness babble.

Posted by Straws (Member # 1559) on :

Hmm, that just might work. I'll give it a run through. Thanks for the input.