I have a new, short story (approx. 4,000 words). I suppose it could be considered a ghost story, or dark urban fantasy. I was hoping someone might want to take a look at it and critique. Here are the first thirteen lines (give or take):
I pat down the dirt pile with the back of my shovel, studying my hole in the dimming rays of the sun. Six down, six long, four across. Edges are nice and sharp, earthen walls are solid and almost smooth. I nod in satisfaction. Mrs. Rosenthal has a nice resting spot awaiting her arrival tomorrow at ten in the a.m.
As I pull the blue tarp over the pile of dug-up dirt to keep it from blowing around, I notice that Joe’s already coming through the iron gate. He gives me a polite nod as he walks toward the third stone in the seventeenth row. I give him a little wave back and hurry about fastening my tarp down. I don’t want to miss his performance.
Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :
Sounds good Hildy, from just the first lines. Unfortunately, I'm scrambling to get ready for Mexico or else I'd consider reading it. My only hesitation is that it's written in present tense, and I find that highly disconcerting.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
More disconcerting than the first person, or disconcerting in addition to the first person?
Who was it that was so avid for first person? I think it was...somebody or other. Published, I think, but definitely not a purist.
Posted by Hildy9595 (Member # 1489) on :
Oh, Rahl, can I go, too? I'm buried under two feet of snow here in NJ and Mexico would be quite a treat!
Actually, the present tense choice is an experiment, based partly on some of the discussions here. I wanted to see if I could do it and get others' opinions as to whether I did it well.
Hope you have fun in the sun!
Posted by Marianne (Member # 1546) on :
I would be happy to take a look.
mk86@radc.com
Posted by Cosmi (Member # 1252) on :
sounds interesting. i'll take a look too if you want.
lightbulb137@yahoo.com
TTFN & lol
Cosmi
Posted by DragynGide (Member # 1448) on :
I'll look at it.
dragyngide@yahoo.com
Posted by DragynGide (Member # 1448) on :
Ugh, I am a complete idiot. I accidentally deleted the file you sent. Could you please re-send?
