Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Opinions Needed on SF Story

This is topic Opinions Needed on SF Story in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by nellievrolyk (Member # 1616) on :

While the following excerpt from the beginning of the first chapter is in third person POV, most of the story is written in the first person POV. I'm trying to decide if the story would be better when told from some other POV than first person?

Access Memory: Jay: River Sphere

He ran through the access tunnel in his silver, metallic wolf form, chasing the night-black cheetah-like hounds, which like himself searched for the newly collected bio, which had been delivered to one of twenty intake points by one of the Collectors. He picked up speed, caught up with the rearmost of the hounds, and dispatched it with a quick tearing bite to the throat. He killed the second hound even as the body of the first fell apart in a shower of black dust...

Please send an e-mail to the address in my profile if you are interested in having a look at the first chapter.

Sorry, forgot to say how long it is. 5,000 words -give or take a few.

[This message has been edited by nellievrolyk (edited April 09, 2003).]

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Just want to point out something pretty basic. Your first sentence -- your VERY first sentence is a really huge run-on sentence (using comma spliced to force together too many independent clauses).

I really don't have time right now to give a full critique, but these errors (of the grammatical sort) are something you should try to fix as much as possible before you send it out for a critique -- for publication.

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Ooh, I wanted to also say that I thought the first little bit was intriquing, too

Sounds like the story, with a little polishing, could be a good one!

Posted by nellievrolyk (Member # 1616) on :

Thanks Rah122!

I did fix that first sentence by knocking off the last clause. Still not good but better than it was before. I was trying to give too much information at one time I think.

It is a first draft mind you.