“If you want to kill a king, you first need to deal with a pawn or two.” They were the only words Ilone could remember her father saying. They haunted her at night, chanting in her dreams rhythmically, his soft deep voice pounding through her head until she would awake. She tried to remember more—his face, his smell, but nothing was as real as the voice, and when Ilone heard that voice again—she would know that her father had returned.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
This actually strikes me as funny, which probably wasn't the intention.
It may be that the line is kind of funny, and everything else in the snippet is about things that *aren't* happening -- Ilone doesn't see dad, doesn't smell him, doesn't remember him.
What is the thing about Ilone that should make us want to read about her?
Posted by aking (Member # 3722) on :
This is the opening for a story a friend of mine is writing, so I'm not familar with the plot. However I know it is suppose to be a serious story.
Posted by dreadlord (Member # 2913) on :
I got bored, and that takes a lot. your friend might want to spruce it up a little.
Posted by oliverhouse (Member # 3432) on :
I didn't think it was funny, but I think wbriggs hits a good point -- this paragraph is about what's not happening.
That's especially important for the genre you claim this is supposed to be. Stuff happening is the definition of action, and suspense is the threat of things the could happen at any moment. Even if the writing were perfect, it wouldn't be good writing for that genre.
And consider the difference between character-driven and plot-driven stories. The current first page is all character, no plot, so the promise you're making to the reader is that plot will be subordinate to deep character development. I think you want the opposite.
[This message has been edited by oliverhouse (edited September 08, 2006).]
Posted by EricWiz (Member # 3801) on :
This doesn't really grab me. I don't feel for MC or her Father. Why is she haunted? Maybe this is not the best place to start the story? E
Posted by Elan (Member # 2442) on :
I'm curious as to why we are doing this for someone's friend, and not the writer him/herself? Seems to me if the friend truly WANTS to be a better writer by joining forums like this in person, not by proxy.
I prefer to abstain from critiques in situations like this.