It may be that the line is kind of funny, and everything else in the snippet is about things that *aren't* happening -- Ilone doesn't see dad, doesn't smell him, doesn't remember him.

That's especially important for the genre you claim this is supposed to be. Stuff happening is the definition of action, and suspense is the threat of things the could happen at any moment. Even if the writing were perfect, it wouldn't be good writing for that genre.

And consider the difference between character-driven and plot-driven stories. The current first page is all character, no plot, so the promise you're making to the reader is that plot will be subordinate to deep character development. I think you want the opposite.