Fyodor stood when music started. He turned and watched Veronika start to walk down the aisle towards him. She looked breathtaking. Her long auburn hair and deep red skin contrasted against the white of her dress. Her green eyes gleamed with excitement. As he watched her coming closer his eyes strayed to the chair reserved for his father. It was still empty. Where was he? His mother must have noticed what he was looking at and caught his eye. 'He will be here' she mouthed. Veronika came to a halt next to him and took hold of his hand. Fyodor tried to put his father out of his mind and concentrate on listening to the Priest. As he listened to the ceremony and said his bits, he couldn't stop himself from wondering where his father was. He should be
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 18, 2007).]
Posted by Verloren (Member # 3916) on :
It still seemed like a lot of info-dumping.
I really don't care about the color of her skin or eyes (if it is important, then I need to know why pretty soon).
The interesting thing is that his father isn't there. This part is hooking me. But, I want to know more about how Fyodor's feelings. I get that he is wondering, but I don't know if he feels concerned or mad or sad or whatever.
-V
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
I agree, I have heard similar comments reference my stories. Too much info, so much so, it starts to appear like a plot summary. I would say trim down some info and focus on the important bits.
Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :
The order of exposition is the same: fine details about appearance, and later, if at all, we get what the details mean.
>Fyodor stood when music started. He turned and watched Veronika start to walk down the aisle towards him. Who's Veronika? What aisle?
>She looked breathtaking. Her long auburn hair and deep red skin contrasted against the white of her dress. Her green eyes gleamed with excitement. Why is she excited?
There's just no reason *not* to tell us, in the first line, that Fyodor is marrying Veronika.
I would agree: the hook is "where's dad?"
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
thanks again. As is probably obvious this is my first time writing a full length story and am learning my way (i've only done short stories till now)and I have found all the comments so far really helpfull
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
It seems really thick, somehow...like having syrup poured on my brain every time I try to read it.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Dense is the word I'd pick. It's better than the first version but it really gets bogged down in details that probably don't matter. Does Veronika's physical description matter? Probably not.
Cut to the chase.
Ex: Fyodor stood as his bride to be, Veronika, walked down the isle.
The next two lines could be cut as far as I'm concerned. The issue/hook isn't that he's getting married it's that dear old Dad isn't there.
Posted by tchernabyelo (Member # 2651) on :
Agre with the comments above. The hook is that Fyodor's father isn't there, and that should be constantly pulling his attention away from what she looks like. Although you're trying to write from his POV, and you are telling us things he knows, you're not telling us the things he's thinking at the time, hence the dense/syrupy/info-dumpy prose.
Relax your writing, let it flow, don't force information into us that isn't relevant or appropriate.
Posted by tigertinite (Member # 4803) on :
I second the 'thick syrupy' bit. Focus on the father, or the tribe, or the bride, just not all at once. The story is interesting, I like the "where's dad" factor. A very interesting hook.
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
one of the things i'm not sure about; my story is set on a world where there are 5 species none of which are traditional humans, though all are humanoids and merely have diferences to humans. How soon into the story do i need to let the reader know that Fyodor for instance isn't human and descrbe what he is? it's to try and convey this that has led to me putting physical descriptions in my beginning so I'm wondering if I would be able to leave the reader assuming that the caharacters are all humans and living on earth until it gradually becomes obvious they aren't?
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
If it doesn't matter enough for you to mention it pretty much at the outset, it doesn't matter at all.
Mention it up front, or leave it as your private fancy.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Tell us what he is when it matters. At some point, I suspect the differences will matter or you wouldn't have them in the story.
In the Earthsea series, Ursula K. Le Guin didn't tell the reader that Ged was not Caucasian up front because it didn't matter and we are in his POV. We only learn that when someone else is POV who would notice is watching him. It only matters, really, when he goes to Atuan and everyone there is Caucasian.
Posted by Max Masterson (Member # 4799) on :
thank you, that last comment in particular really helped. as Fyodor starts out in a community where everyone is the same as him so like you pointed out it's only when he leaves that it becomes pertinent
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
No, if you don't mention it up front, you can't mention it ever. That will be seen (very justly) as an absolute betrayal by the readers.
The simplest thing to do is simply reverse it, make Fydor et al humans and later reveal that there are non-humans in the world outside the village. If you cannot do that for some reason, then there has to be some important difference between these people and humans that should be very clear right from the beginning of the story.
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
LeGuin does mention very clearly right from the outset that Ged and his folk have dark brown complexions and the Kargo-at have blond hair and very pale complexions in comparison. It's all right there in the first chapter. She doesn't make a big deal out of it, it's easy to assume that Ged has a Mediterranean rather than African complexion (and that's probably more realistic, if you ask me), but she doesn't spring it as a surpise reveal.