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I have a secret. His name in M’Vandior, Von for short. We’ve been together for years, but most of my friends still haven't met him. Whenever anyone asks what my lover is like, I smile.
I see the disconnect you're trying to set up, but these words didn't seem to accomplish it for me.
"She is letting the horror overcome her, and it may very well be her undoing."
"...and it may very well be her undoing." Do we really need to be told this? We can surely figure this out - if anything show us or imply it can be her undoing rather than telling us so directly.
So - maybe she's not screaming at all. The people who check out aren't screaming, IMHO. They stop screaming.
I changed the beginning, but I don't really like it. what would make it better? Disassociation and detachment are central to the plot. So that aspect won't change. Everything else is open. So far I have about 2700 words and counting.
I really don't want to give away the plot but I can say there is more of a passage of time than I've show so far. This has been going on for a while and the listener know's what's happening from first hand experience.
Believe it or not KayTi it's not horror, not really. This is a gory as it gets.
If its a bad thing, why does he/she do nothing about it? If he/she thinks it's a good thing, we should know that, and what "it" is.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 05, 2007).]
The jump from one section to another is a little too quick. Less than 100 words of a rape scene and then we're suddenly meeting someone? And we're discussing discrete lovers enamoured with each other? I think to clear up this first section of your story you need to decide which is more important and flesh it out. If the rape is important, expand on that scene a little more. If it's less important, shuffle it either farther down in the story or file it in the back story.
As a quick point of advice too, starting off with a rape scene isn't the best way to hook a reader, I wouldn't think. People don't mind being assaulted with horiffic images once they've got to know the characters a little more, but starting off with the rape of a character I don't know and don't care about is cheap manipulation - trying to make the reader care based on limited information rather than caring about a character and having them react to something awful happening to them.
Jayson Merryfield
What happens to the girl in the first paragraph is completely her choice. But you won't know that until you read another two paragraphs. The story is also NOT horror.
It may be this is the wrong placce to start, but I'm not sure I think so yet. Unlike 13 line readers, I know what happens next and why.
This is my fustration with the first thirteen lines. I'm honestly not sure the concept works for me. I'm trying to adopt this style mostly because I want to get published again at some point.
I struggle with the first 13 as well, pricillabgoo, and I know a lot of others here do as well - we've all submit things that have been ripped up by each other. That's why we're all amateurs. Crafting a solid 13 isn't necessarily a style choice - if you tell long slowly paced stories that take ages to develop and whole forests to print, then that's fine. The goal here is to craft a first 13 lines (which basically approximates your first page) that proves to your reader whomever that may be that you know what you are doing and you'll not be wasting their time. As yours currently stands, it's looking like a bit of a horror/thriller with the violent sex scene, and too rapidly jumps to an interior monologue. There is no hook, no reason for us to continue reading further. If you took the time to flesh out that first scene and let us know who this was happening to and that it was a willing act, well, we might want to know more about who this girl is, what the reason for the savage act is, etc.
You don't have to give me the whole cake up front. Don't even need to let me sniff the cake a little bit. I just need a note in my lunchbag that says "there might be a treat waiting for you when you get home from school".
Don't be discouraged. Your writing is solid and t seems that you have an interesting idea, now that I know what comes in the next couple paragraphs. Thinking critically about your 13 (and critiquing other peoples 13 as well) can help you sharpen up these 13, and will maybe help you write in a more concise and clear voice in the rest of your work. Take our critiques, meditate on them, and take a second shot at your 13. We'll still be here in a week or two or ten.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 07, 2007).]
Jayson, I actually agree with you about the transition. It was way too abrupt. That entire section of the story doesn't seem to fit the rest anymore and I've changed it. Thank you for taking the time to be so thoughtful with your response. It's much appreciated.
I think "I hear her screams..." would work better either with a name, making it personal, or as, "I hear the woman's/girl's scream."
It doesn't give us much of a setting. Where is this happening? There seems to be a POV character, but who is he/she? What are they like? Finally, I don't feel much of a hook or conflict to draw me in. I'm not sure of the genre, but it's hard to care for the story without a character to care about.
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I got off the bus in San Francisco, alone, tired and afraid. I was jittery from a long ride squashed between two overly familiar strangers. I hadn’t been able to sleep at all during my
This is my new opening. Without giving away too much of the story, I can definitely say the opening is necessary in order to set the tone for what happens and to give the reader a window into the protagonist's motivation. There are some heavy themes, and at times the tone IS a bit dark, but this is more dark fantasy than anything else.
I have a grammar nazi to help me with the technical aspects of the writing. Right now I'm looking for additional readers (thank you nitewriter!) to help me tighten things up and point out any gaps in the plot.
BTW, the color of the sheets and wallpaper are part of a motif than runs throughout the story. So, it will definitely stay. There is another working title: Between the Devil and the Deep Green Sea.
Thanks!
[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited June 23, 2007).]
I think this works better in many ways. The first paragraph doesn't focus on a character and has a distant feel. I think that's okay because you immediately jump to a character.
I'm not sure how well the second paragraph works. It's technically correct, but it doesn't grab me overall.
First person always has the connotation that the narrator is speaking to someone. I believe OSC mentioned this in [i]Characters and Viewpoint[/]. So I have to wonder, who is she telling this secret to?
This may not be my kind of fiction, but that she has a secret named M'Vandior doesn't grab me. I might keep reading a paragraph or two to see if I'm grabbed, but so far I'm not hooked.
The first vesion of this message is a sure sign I should top writing so late at night. M'Vandior is long gone (the name not the character) and the protagonist's point of view is very different than when I originally started.
At first, my protagonist was a girl who witnesses certain events and reports on them, acting as a filter. The story features three women (all related) who have each been abused in some way. The one who has become the protagonist is the one who chooses to control her own fate.
In the next few lines you find out where she's going, why she's run, and who she's run to. The story is about the life she makes in her new home and the events that helped shape the world she builds for herself.
Sorry for the initial confusion. Thanks for the feedback!
[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited June 25, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited June 24, 2007).]
debhoag,
It actual IS meant to imply the future. this part of the story is like someone having a routine (an ugly one in this case) and knowing each thing they will do before they do it. I appreciate the feebback though.
quote:
I can definitely say the opening is necessary in order to set the tone for what happens and to give the reader a window into the protagonist's motivation.
A lot of it, for me, depends on what you do with this later. It is a very disturbing scenes, and there are many things both explicit and viceral than now need to be reconciled.
I will give this a read, if you like. I am curious enough that I want to find out why (according to the explanation not in the first 13) she is actually there--being raped?--by choice.