posted
I hear her screams through the wall, discordant and out of time with the rhythmic thumping of the bed. It would go better for her if she closed her eyes and gave in to the sensation. But I know this girl, and she will not. Right this moment her blood is smearing the pretty sage-colored sheets, while she stares blankly at the delicate lilac wallpaper. She is letting the horror overcome her, and it may very well be her undoing.
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I have a secret. His name in M’Vandior, Von for short. We’ve been together for years, but most of my friends still haven't met him. Whenever anyone asks what my lover is like, I smile.
posted
I really don't do horror or gore, so forgive me if this is brief. There was a disconnect here - she's staring blankly at the delicate lilac wallpaper? No she's not. She's screaming, and there's thumping, and her blood is smearing. I don't know any *person* (maybe you're not writing about humans) who could scream and be thumped around on a bed and bleeding...all while blankly staring at something...
I see the disconnect you're trying to set up, but these words didn't seem to accomplish it for me.
posted
I did not have a problem with the seeming contradiction that she is staring blankly at the wallpaper. There are many accounts where people undergoing severe trauma such as rape, assault or being tortured in a POW camp simply "check out" of their ordeal. They resign themselves to it, think of something else, or even report feeling disconnected from their body. That being said, having her screaming and putting up a fight may give the story more impact. I'm intrigued with this opening, I want to know what is going to happen and why - and why she is letting the horror overcome her.
"She is letting the horror overcome her, and it may very well be her undoing."
"...and it may very well be her undoing." Do we really need to be told this? We can surely figure this out - if anything show us or imply it can be her undoing rather than telling us so directly.
posted
Well, my nit is still this - when someone is screaming, they aren't staring blankly. Their eyes are usually screwed up or open really wide. Their mouths are open. The act of forcing air across their vocal cords has them looking at least a little animated. Their cheekbones are often raised/eyes crunched with the muscles that are keeping the mouth open, because of course the scream has to come out or it's not an audible one. People don't scream with their mouth slightly open. Try it out - you take in a deep breath, and squish up your face. If you are really screaming at something bad, you'll keep taking in breath and screaming over, at some point you'll probably close your eyes to give more focus to the scream.
So - maybe she's not screaming at all. The people who check out aren't screaming, IMHO. They stop screaming.
posted
I hear her screams through the wall, discordant and out of time with the rhythmic thumping of the bed. It would go better for her if she closed her eyes and gave in to the sensation. But I know this girl, and she will not. Soon her blood will smear the pretty sage-colored sheets, and she'll be staring blankly at the delicate lilac wallpaper. She is letting the horror overcome her.
I changed the beginning, but I don't really like it. what would make it better? Disassociation and detachment are central to the plot. So that aspect won't change. Everything else is open. So far I have about 2700 words and counting.
I really don't want to give away the plot but I can say there is more of a passage of time than I've show so far. This has been going on for a while and the listener know's what's happening from first hand experience.
Believe it or not KayTi it's not horror, not really. This is a gory as it gets.
posted
Just a note that I agree with KayTi about the screaming/staring blankly bit. The re-write is better. I still would read on, though, because I'm so turned off by an apparent rape / torture with no one doing anything about it. I have no desire to spend more time with these characters. Just this readers opinion, though.
Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2007
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posted
I'll third the call for the removal of the lilac wallpaper - it's a useless setting fact that is at odds with what is going on in the scene. Plus, if you are hearing it from the next room, how do you know what she is staring at?
The jump from one section to another is a little too quick. Less than 100 words of a rape scene and then we're suddenly meeting someone? And we're discussing discrete lovers enamoured with each other? I think to clear up this first section of your story you need to decide which is more important and flesh it out. If the rape is important, expand on that scene a little more. If it's less important, shuffle it either farther down in the story or file it in the back story.
As a quick point of advice too, starting off with a rape scene isn't the best way to hook a reader, I wouldn't think. People don't mind being assaulted with horiffic images once they've got to know the characters a little more, but starting off with the rape of a character I don't know and don't care about is cheap manipulation - trying to make the reader care based on limited information rather than caring about a character and having them react to something awful happening to them.
posted
I can think of at least one bestseller that does begin with a horrifc crime, a rape/murder specifically. It's called [i]The Lovely Bones[/]. It's quite a beautiful book, if you can get through the first chapter.
What happens to the girl in the first paragraph is completely her choice. But you won't know that until you read another two paragraphs. The story is also NOT horror.
It may be this is the wrong placce to start, but I'm not sure I think so yet. Unlike 13 line readers, I know what happens next and why.
This is my fustration with the first thirteen lines. I'm honestly not sure the concept works for me. I'm trying to adopt this style mostly because I want to get published again at some point.
posted
There are exceptions to every rule, of course. The Lovely Bones has done well (not that I've read it), but following the exception to the rule isn't always the best way to go. If you could work in that she is complicit in the sexual acts taking place and move it up as far as you can, it would make more sense. What is the purpose behind hiding the fact that she isn't actually being raped, but is a willing participant? As it currently stands, a reader gets involved with this nameless girl and cares that she is being raped, only to learn two or three paragraphs later that this isn't what is actually going on, that she is actually going along with this act. Some readers will object to that misdirection which doesn't serve any particular point.
I struggle with the first 13 as well, pricillabgoo, and I know a lot of others here do as well - we've all submit things that have been ripped up by each other. That's why we're all amateurs. Crafting a solid 13 isn't necessarily a style choice - if you tell long slowly paced stories that take ages to develop and whole forests to print, then that's fine. The goal here is to craft a first 13 lines (which basically approximates your first page) that proves to your reader whomever that may be that you know what you are doing and you'll not be wasting their time. As yours currently stands, it's looking like a bit of a horror/thriller with the violent sex scene, and too rapidly jumps to an interior monologue. There is no hook, no reason for us to continue reading further. If you took the time to flesh out that first scene and let us know who this was happening to and that it was a willing act, well, we might want to know more about who this girl is, what the reason for the savage act is, etc.
You don't have to give me the whole cake up front. Don't even need to let me sniff the cake a little bit. I just need a note in my lunchbag that says "there might be a treat waiting for you when you get home from school".
Don't be discouraged. Your writing is solid and t seems that you have an interesting idea, now that I know what comes in the next couple paragraphs. Thinking critically about your 13 (and critiquing other peoples 13 as well) can help you sharpen up these 13, and will maybe help you write in a more concise and clear voice in the rest of your work. Take our critiques, meditate on them, and take a second shot at your 13. We'll still be here in a week or two or ten.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited June 07, 2007).]
posted
Hi Nitewriter. If you don't think I'm too cranky, I'd like to send you my story.
Jayson, I actually agree with you about the transition. It was way too abrupt. That entire section of the story doesn't seem to fit the rest anymore and I've changed it. Thank you for taking the time to be so thoughtful with your response. It's much appreciated.
posted
I liked the title. It's unconventional. It doesn't tell me much about the story, but that isn't a requirement in many cases, however it doesn't prepare the reader for the kind of story it seems to be.
I think "I hear her screams..." would work better either with a name, making it personal, or as, "I hear the woman's/girl's scream."
It doesn't give us much of a setting. Where is this happening? There seems to be a POV character, but who is he/she? What are they like? Finally, I don't feel much of a hook or conflict to draw me in. I'm not sure of the genre, but it's hard to care for the story without a character to care about.
posted
I hear her screams through the wall, discordant and out of time with the rhythmic thumping of the bed. It would go better for her if she closed her eyes and gave in to the sensation. But I know this girl, and she will not. Soon her blood will smear the pretty sage-colored sheets, and she'll be staring blankly at the delicate lilac wallpaper. She is letting the horror overcome her, and it may very well be her undoing.
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I got off the bus in San Francisco, alone, tired and afraid. I was jittery from a long ride squashed between two overly familiar strangers. I hadn’t been able to sleep at all during my
This is my new opening. Without giving away too much of the story, I can definitely say the opening is necessary in order to set the tone for what happens and to give the reader a window into the protagonist's motivation. There are some heavy themes, and at times the tone IS a bit dark, but this is more dark fantasy than anything else.
I have a grammar nazi to help me with the technical aspects of the writing. Right now I'm looking for additional readers (thank you nitewriter!) to help me tighten things up and point out any gaps in the plot.
BTW, the color of the sheets and wallpaper are part of a motif than runs throughout the story. So, it will definitely stay. There is another working title: Between the Devil and the Deep Green Sea. Thanks!
[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited June 23, 2007).]
I think this works better in many ways. The first paragraph doesn't focus on a character and has a distant feel. I think that's okay because you immediately jump to a character.
I'm not sure how well the second paragraph works. It's technically correct, but it doesn't grab me overall.
First person always has the connotation that the narrator is speaking to someone. I believe OSC mentioned this in [i]Characters and Viewpoint[/]. So I have to wonder, who is she telling this secret to?
This may not be my kind of fiction, but that she has a secret named M'Vandior doesn't grab me. I might keep reading a paragraph or two to see if I'm grabbed, but so far I'm not hooked.
The first vesion of this message is a sure sign I should top writing so late at night. M'Vandior is long gone (the name not the character) and the protagonist's point of view is very different than when I originally started.
At first, my protagonist was a girl who witnesses certain events and reports on them, acting as a filter. The story features three women (all related) who have each been abused in some way. The one who has become the protagonist is the one who chooses to control her own fate.
In the next few lines you find out where she's going, why she's run, and who she's run to. The story is about the life she makes in her new home and the events that helped shape the world she builds for herself.
Sorry for the initial confusion. Thanks for the feedback!
[This message has been edited by priscillabgoo (edited June 25, 2007).]
posted
priscillabgoo, I like the new opening much better. My main comment is that I think the title "Between the Devil and the Deep Green Sea" gives me a much better idea of what the story is about and why I should keep reading. That title is actually the main hook for me.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited June 24, 2007).]
posted
i just have one nit, a leftover from changing the tense -"when she lets the horror overcome her. . . " you are making it something that will happen in the future, by using "soon she will be staring . . . ", know I'm chiming in late, but I thought when I read the original that the change should just be a minor change to show transition "Even as I listened, her screams faded. I could picture her, letting the horror overtake her, until she is just staring. . . "
Posts: 1304 | Registered: May 2007
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posted
DebbieKW, Thank you for the feedback. The more I think about it the more I like the new title. It will ultimately depend on the finished product. Right now it's still rough. I find titles to be the hardest think to write (besides the first 13).
debhoag, It actual IS meant to imply the future. this part of the story is like someone having a routine (an ugly one in this case) and knowing each thing they will do before they do it. I appreciate the feebback though.
quote:I can definitely say the opening is necessary in order to set the tone for what happens and to give the reader a window into the protagonist's motivation.
A lot of it, for me, depends on what you do with this later. It is a very disturbing scenes, and there are many things both explicit and viceral than now need to be reconciled.
I will give this a read, if you like. I am curious enough that I want to find out why (according to the explanation not in the first 13) she is actually there--being raped?--by choice.
posted
Hi Mark, I'm going to be doing a second draft once I finish critiquing your story. I'd would be happy to send it to you then. Look for something around the 4th. Thank you! Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2007
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