He kissed his brother’s sable lips and stabbed him in the heart. All was dark and Ramses was Pharaoh. When he awoke, Ramses lay in his high, narrow bed. He stretched felinely as the light of Amen-Ra came creeping over the distant plains. Smells of bread and damp salt wafted hand-in-hand past his curtains, inviting the young man to get of his bedclothes which his man servant had left folded perfectly beside a gold wash basin. After dressing and rinsing his face and mouth with the purified water, he relieved the rigors of the night in an ornate receptacle. At the meeting of water and metal, the ringing roused a servant who furtively retrieved the fouled bucket like a cat might take a fallen morsel.
[This message has been edited by waterchaser (edited July 29, 2009).]
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
May I suggest a basic change in your opening?
quote:Ramses lay in his high, narrow bed. He stretched felinely as the light of Amen-Ra came creeping over the distant plains.
This should be your opening. What he did to his brother the night before should be mentioned next.
Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :
I would, but it was a dream. I'll have to revise that again. Thanks.
Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :
Oh, oh. Starting a story with a dream is a basic no-no. It's been done so much that it is considered to be cliche. In fact, more than a few editors have stated such an opening gets an immediate rejection. You may want to rethink that start.
Posted by waterchaser (Member # 8729) on :
You are right, if you are starting with something that is misleading, long, and decieves the reader. That is cliche.
This is one sentence. It's the same sentence the story ends with. But I'll consider it.
Posted by morgansmarcos (Member # 8716) on :
He kissed his brother’s sable lips and stabbed him in the heart. All was dark and Ramses was Pharaoh. I like this concept of starting and ending a story with the same sentence, but this is two sentences, have you thought of: 'He kissed his brother's sable lips and stabbed him in the heart and all was dark; Rameses was Pharaoh' This is a bit of a run-on, but it feels more like a dream and emphasizes the last bit When he awoke, Ramses lay in his high, narrow bed. He stretched felinely as the light of Amen-Ra came creeping over the distant plains. I would remove one adjective or change felinely to cat-like. Or perhaps came creeping to crept. Smells of bread and damp salt wafted hand-in-hand you don't really need 'hand-in-hand' to get the point across past his curtains, inviting the young man to get of his bedclothes which his man servant had left folded perfectly beside a gold wash basin. After dressing and rinsing his face and mouth with the purified water, he relieved the rigors of the night in an ornate receptacle. At the meeting of water and metal, the ringing roused a servant who furtively retrieved the fouled bucket like a cat might take a fallen morsel.
In my humble opinion, this opening seems too full of adjectives. I think you cut a few of them out it would give you more time to explain the significance of the first sentence. To me, that's the hook, that's what I want to find out. Why did Ramses stab his brother (and for that matter, why did he kiss him first)? I understand that you'll probably use the entire story to explain that, but if this is supposed to be a dream I can only guess that the dreamer doesn't have either the motivation, the organization or the drive to carry out such a murder. What, then, would cause him to have such a dream? Why spend the next few sentences detailing his morning routine? Does this have major significance in the rest of the story? Is it to show just how regal his living situation is?
If you are willing to send it, I'll read the first 10-15 pages.
~Morgan
[This message has been edited by morgansmarcos (edited August 11, 2009).]