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Once, when I was young, I was told my name meant courage. But, on the morning I was to brave the flames, I knew if such a noble substance ever resided within me, it had withered long ago and now languished in some dark, forgotten place with a deaf ear to my summons. Her sister, Fear, I knew well. It was she who lurked in the early morning shadows, whispering doubts as the scent of sandalwood and smoke drifted up from the river. There, on the bank of the Ganges, India's holiest of rivers, my husband Gopesh waited. Through a narrow window, a gentle current wafted the sound of beating drums, and with it, the low murmurings of onlookers eager to see if I would prove myself a virtuous wife.

You might drop a couple of commas after 'But' and 'There' and 'drums'. The sentences are all the same pattern with comma'd inserts. You could mix it up a little.
 

One thought: While I enjoy all the characterization of emotions, etc., I wonder if it is a little distracting to a non-writer who's trying to get their bearings in your world. You might be better off starting the story with the "There, on the bank of the Ganges, ..." sentence before slapping us with all the raw emotion before we get a sense of why we should care. Then you can sprinkle in all the pretty stuff after that.
 

Thanks again!
 

I thought that if you capitalize Fear that you should capitalize Courage.

I thought the sentence with the gentle wafting of the beating of drums didn't quite work for me. This was a stumbling block for me... the gentle wafting of drumbeats is, to me, discordant.

The opening is interesting and I would read on.

But – nits. (And do capitalize Fear) The first for me was -- It was she who lurked in the early morning shadows

It was the tiniest bit jarring the way you phrased this. I think one small alteration would made your idea much clearer to a reader.

It was she who lurked in the early morning shadows today

I agree with OWASM about the drums.

Could it possibly be -- a gentle current wafted the distant sound of beating drums and the voices of onlookers….

When You’re finished, I wouldn’t mind reading it.

 

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Do women's names in India mean courage?

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According to those Indian/Hindu baby name sites, they do.

quote:

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I thought that if you capitalize Fear that you should capitalize Courage.

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Thanks for bringing this up. I've been seriously wondering about this. My husband agrees with you that it should be capitalized. But, capitalizing it in that first sentence somehow doesn't seem right to me, though I can't explain why. To me, it would only look right capitalized if it were used in the second sentence: ...I knew if Courage ever resided within me, it had withered long ago...

Any grammarians around with insight on this? Help!

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It was she who lurked in the early morning shadows. It was the tiniest bit jarring the way you phrased this.

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Thanks, I'll see what I can do to tweak this.

And, I'll also rework that last sentence since it tripped you both. In hindsight, "gentle" isn't really the tone or mood I'm trying to convey here, so I'll get rid of it.

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to read and give feedback. Your insight was really helpful. You guys are awesome!

[This message has been edited by Word Weaver (edited August 17, 2009).]
 

First up:

I would read on wondering whether she would throw herself on the funeral pyre. However, she is narrating, which indicates she did not or that she is talking to us from the afterworld.

Second up:

I found the following to be a bit heavy on the pathos, a touch of purple prose:

quote:

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But, on the morning I was to brave the flames, I knew if such a noble substance ever resided within me, it had withered long ago and now languished in some dark, forgotten place with a deaf ear to my summons.

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I like your single strong words.
The words that attracted me were:

flames
fear
doubts
drift
sandalwood
scent
smoke
drums

Double-barrelled descriptions draw my attention away from a story and make me focus instead on the craftsmanship of the piece and prove a distraction.

Phrases like:

noble substance
dark, forgotten
early morning
narrow window
gentle current
beating drums
low murmurings

IMO: See if there is a single, more powerful word to replace them or choose the one idea that is most important to your intent. If you are going to err, err on the side of simplicity.

I hope this is useful.

[This message has been edited by Andrew_McGown (edited August 18, 2009).]
 

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If you are going to err, err on the side of simplicity.

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Sage advice.

Hmm... double-barrelled descriptions. I've never heard that term before, but what you say makes a lot of sense. I'll have to go back through this story and see if I can find any more of these that could possibly be replaced with a single, more powerful word.

Thanks for reading, Andrew. Your comments were really helpful.
 

I too found myself in analysis mode rather than entertained mode. I couldn't understand why, but "placing" us in the scene in the first line would better allow you to delve immediately into Courage and Fear. The way the fragment reads in the first post is very interesting, but it feels like emotion without reference.

Please post again when we can read the whole thing. I am interested in reading more .
 

As with everyone else, I am also intrigued and would read on.
 

First of all, great description and prose – grabs my interest.

I agree with a few of the earlier comments, too many commas make long sentences and chop up the first few lines for me. I had to reread first couple of lines to get the full gist of it all. This is a problem I always have with my own writing, using too many commas. Try to break down into shorter sentences, then the occasional longer sentence with many commas stands out and works better (at least that's what I've been told).

Also, I’m no pro at grammar but I also think Courage needs to be capitalized. When I read Fear capitalized, this caused me to do a double take and consider whose sister was Fear? I looked back, saw courage, and was disturbed that it was not capitalized as well.

After I finished reading and thought for a second, the concept of the Fear and Courage being sisters and made personal for the main character really grabbed me and made me want to read on, so this definitely works for me.