Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Winding Down- 3200 words

This is topic Winding Down- 3200 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by AJ Valliant (Member # 8767) on :

This is the intro to a Zombie story I wrote a while back. It's a bit meditative but there is lot of dark humor in it. I'm happy with the bulk the story, but the very end has some character issues I've having trouble smoothing out.
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When I young I wanted to die a hero. I’m not sure if it was the dying or the heroism that appealed to me. I suppose I just wanted a goal I was sure to partially accomplish. I told a teacher this once: she said that people who wanted to die couldn’t be heroes. I told her that people who wanted to live couldn’t stay them. I don’t know that either of us properly understood my point at the time; I’ve been dead for two hours and I still don’t entirely grasp it.

I should mention I died at the mall. It was not heroic; it was barely eventful. I just wound down and stopped. It was like my knot came untied and the world went slack.

[This message has been edited by AJ Valliant (edited August 28, 2009).]

Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :

Very nice, especially the I've been dead for 2 hours part. I'd maybe drop the semi colon for a , or an and personally, but it wasn't too major.

I'd maybe drop "I should mention" from the last bit, maybe.

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

I agree with ME about the colon, however I dig the rest so much as is. I think you should keep the I should mention. It adds to the voice of the piece.

I'll read. I love a good zombie story, and this one seems promising.
~Sheena

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

It isn't 13 lines--is there a reason you cut it a few lines short?

Posted by genevive42 (Member # 8714) on :

This is a great opening. Count me in if you're looking for readers.

Posted by AJ Valliant (Member # 8767) on :

Skadder:

"It isn't 13 lines--is there a reason you cut it a few lines short?"

I would had to had to cut out at a oddly jarring point in the paragraph otherwise. I almost went with just the fist section, but figured I should provide a little more context.

Posted by AJ Valliant (Member # 8767) on :

Genevive and Shimiqua

“This is a great opening. Count me in if you're looking for readers.”

“I'll read. I love a good zombie story, and this one seems promising.”

Excellent, thank you. Uh..I’m not sure how this works: do I just email it to you as a word doc, or is there some more arcane method the workshop prefers?

Posted by skadder (Member # 6757) on :

I like it, but it reads like the voice over you get at the begining of a movie when the camera pans over a body.

"That's me, yup. I died..."

I can't remember the movie, but that is what springs to mind. It has a retrospective, summary quality, that is similar to your other recent intro.

Posted by AJ Valliant (Member # 8767) on :

"It has a retrospective, summary quality, that is similar to your other recent intro."

It's not entirely intentional, but I do like to start with an implied statement of who the character was, before I begin the journey into who they will become. It's not something I force into every story, but both this one and Bristles are more internal character studies, so it felt appropriate.

Good observation.

[This message has been edited by AJ Valliant (edited August 28, 2009).]