I am looking for full reads, comments on thirteen to let me know if you are hooked or not. I will happily swap stories.
It should be less than 5,000 words when I finish the rough draft.
Thanks!
NEW TAKE:
6/7/12
Sometimes I imagined Kameron with one hundred lives. He sat in the driver’s seat with a can of Dr. Pepper, singing along to “The End of the World as We Know It” like he knew he’d live forever, like he knew he’d always been an immortal being from another planet. Of course he wasn’t from another planet.He wasn’t immortal either. If he was either of those things, he wouldn't have died today. It was all thanks to this stupid trip to get away from all the drama back home. But why did we, how did we, drive straight into Purgatory? Was Kameron supposed to die today in a world that wasn’t his own? Because of me? So I could feel responsible for his death forever? It was strange, really, that all of this—the driving, the singing, the drinking, the glancing over and smiling—I felt like all of this had already happened before.
*Let me know if this one is better than my last version. Ideas are finally starting to develop more with this new idea. I might have to rewrite it a couple times before it's ready to be looked at. Thanks!*
Sometimes I imagined Kameron with one hundred lives, sitting in the driver’s seat beside me with a can of cool Dr. Pepper in his hand singing along to “The End of the World as We Know It” without a care in the world, as if he would live forever, as if he knew he’d always been an immortal being from another planet. Of course, he wasn’t from another planet, but sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder where he came from. Pretty much, this relationship between him and I—“brotherly bonding” was how he put it—could have been compared to Clark Kent and Lex Luthor's relationship, with me being Lex Luthor wanting to know all the hidden and deep dark secrets of my best friend’s past. Honestly, I wanted to be Kam. I admired him, hated him, loved him. He had the coolest life. Girls came to his aid at the snap of a finger.
[ June 07, 2012, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: C@R3Y ]
Posted by Notwald (Member # 9831) on :
C@r3y,
As a reader, there are definitely some things I find intruiging: the idea of an inmortal, wondering what makes him so cool and attractive.
But, I felt like I had to work really hard to get at those things. For me, the sentences are just too long and meandering. You may be trying for a certain style or feeling, but it was hard for me to follow.
Hope that helps a bit at least...
Posted by Jake Enholm (Member # 9833) on :
I like it, it can be chopped on a bit. I'll swap with you.
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Thanks Notwald. I see what you are saying and I shall fix accordingly.
And Jake, I am almost finished with this story. I'll try sending it to you by Friday. If you want, you can send me yours now to get it out of the way. Posted by rcmann (Member # 9757) on :
As a reader, why do we care about either of these people? Not trying to be an a-hole. Seriously, who are they? What reason do we have to keep reading? For all we know this guy could be sitting in an old folk's home talking about his favorite beer buddy from high school.
Posted by Jake Enholm (Member # 9833) on :
OK, C@R3Y, story is on the way...
Posted by C@R3Y (Member # 9669) on :
Here's the NEW version.
Oh, and Jake, some new ideas are developing in my mind, which means I am at the stage where my story is constantly going through changes. I might have to take a rain check and send this to you later on.
I'll get to your story, though, and you can just check out mine when I send it to you.
Posted by Jake Enholm (Member # 9833) on :
Cool. Might want to chop: like he knew he’d live forever, like he knew he’d always been an immortal being from another planet
to:
like an immortal being from another planet who knew he would live forever.
![[Smile]](smile.gif)