Hatrack River
Home   |   About Orson Scott Card   |   News & Reviews   |   OSC Library   |   Forums   |   Contact   |   Links
Research Area   |   Writing Lessons   |   Writers Workshops   |   OSC at SVU   |   Calendar   |   Store
E-mail this page
Hatrack River Writers Workshop Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Fearful Symmetry

   
Author Topic: Fearful Symmetry
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I am looking for full reads, comments on thirteen to let me know if you are hooked or not. I will happily swap stories. [Smile]

It should be less than 5,000 words when I finish the rough draft.

Thanks!

NEW TAKE:

6/7/12

Sometimes I imagined Kameron with one hundred lives. He sat in the driver’s seat with a can of Dr. Pepper, singing along to “The End of the World as We Know It” like he knew he’d live forever, like he knew he’d always been an immortal being from another planet.
Of course he wasn’t from another planet.He wasn’t immortal either. If he was either of those things, he wouldn't have died today.
It was all thanks to this stupid trip to get away from all the drama back home. But why did we, how did we, drive straight into Purgatory? Was Kameron supposed to die today in a world that wasn’t his own? Because of me? So I could feel responsible for his death forever? It was strange, really, that all of this—the driving, the singing, the drinking, the glancing over and smiling—I felt like all of this had already happened before.

*Let me know if this one is better than my last version. Ideas are finally starting to develop more with this new idea. I might have to rewrite it a couple times before it's ready to be looked at. Thanks!*


_____________________________________________________________

Somewhat Old

Sometimes I imagined Kameron with one hundred lives, sitting in the driver’s seat beside me with a can of cool Dr. Pepper in his hand singing along to “The End of the World as We Know It” without a care in the world, as if he would live forever, as if he knew he’d always been an immortal being from another planet.
Of course, he wasn’t from another planet, but sometimes I couldn’t help but wonder where he came from. Pretty much, this relationship between him and I—“brotherly bonding” was how he put it—could have been compared to Clark Kent and Lex Luthor's relationship, with me being Lex Luthor wanting to know all the hidden and deep dark secrets of my best friend’s past.
Honestly, I wanted to be Kam. I admired him, hated him, loved him. He had the coolest life. Girls came to his aid at the snap of a finger.

[ June 07, 2012, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: C@R3Y ]

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Notwald
Member
Member # 9831

 - posted      Profile for Notwald   Email Notwald         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
C@r3y,

As a reader, there are definitely some things I find intruiging: the idea of an inmortal, wondering what makes him so cool and attractive.

But, I felt like I had to work really hard to get at those things. For me, the sentences are just too long and meandering. You may be trying for a certain style or feeling, but it was hard for me to follow.

Hope that helps a bit at least...

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jake Enholm
Member
Member # 9833

 - posted      Profile for Jake Enholm   Email Jake Enholm         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I like it, it can be chopped on a bit. I'll swap with you.
Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thanks Notwald. I see what you are saying and I shall fix accordingly. [Smile]

And Jake, I am almost finished with this story. I'll try sending it to you by Friday. If you want, you can send me yours now to get it out of the way. [Smile]

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rcmann
Member
Member # 9757

 - posted      Profile for rcmann   Email rcmann         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
As a reader, why do we care about either of these people? Not trying to be an a-hole. Seriously, who are they? What reason do we have to keep reading? For all we know this guy could be sitting in an old folk's home talking about his favorite beer buddy from high school.
Posts: 883 | Registered: Feb 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jake Enholm
Member
Member # 9833

 - posted      Profile for Jake Enholm   Email Jake Enholm         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
OK, C@R3Y, story is on the way...
Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
C@R3Y
Member
Member # 9669

 - posted      Profile for C@R3Y   Email C@R3Y         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Here's the NEW version.

Oh, and Jake, some new ideas are developing in my mind, which means I am at the stage where my story is constantly going through changes. I might have to take a rain check and send this to you later on.

I'll get to your story, though, and you can just check out mine when I send it to you.

Posts: 193 | Registered: Oct 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jake Enholm
Member
Member # 9833

 - posted      Profile for Jake Enholm   Email Jake Enholm         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Cool. Might want to chop: like he knew he’d live forever, like he knew he’d always been an immortal being from another planet

to:

like an immortal being from another planet who knew he would live forever.

Just a suggestion.

Posts: 14 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.


Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2